Partner tried to ruin my trip - part 2

[Random100]

Just creating a new thread as the old one has filled up quickly!

Wait a minute (I don't know if it's already been said) but has he smashed and completely destroyed HIS LANDLORD'S kitchen and property?! I hope you send the poor person the videos or photos you have which show he's destroyed his property and is dangerous and insane!

I'm glad the rose tinted specs are definitely off. Be kind to yourself OP and take the time to heal and learn.

Sounds like you have effectively got rid of him

Checking in and hoping you're doing ok! You've done amazingly well and should be really proud of yourself for staying so strong throughout something so scary. Hoping for the best for you

That’s not the OP’s job. Don’t you think it would put her at more risk if her XP’s landlord requested an inspection because “he had heard” there had been some damage?

(Also, why would she have the contact details of the landlord?)

Well done @Random100.

you should feel very proud of yourself. You listened to your gut and reached out.

I think the freedom programme will help you as would maybe some counselling.

OP, to top up your security when out and about, it might be worth downloading the Hollie Guard App to your phone.

Well done on protecting yourself @Random100. Looking at the Freedom Programme sounds like a good starting point. Being single for a while (or just unattached if you fancy a bit of fun!) as well will help you prioritise yourself and find out what it is you want from a relationship.

Yes he smashed a cupboard off the wall and then smashed his own cutlery/plates and whatnot out of anger.

I haven’t been in touch with the landlord because firstly I don’t know who he is and secondly I don’t want to open up any more reason for him to go crazy at me.

I do know he is at loggerheads with the landlord because he’s been evicted as the LL wants to sell the property.

Wow, I'm so sorry you've been through all of this. Well done to you for getting away. I hope you managed to have some enjoyment of your holiday at least. What a pathetic POS! Your holiday friend sounds amazing though, and your mutual friend. I'm glad work have been supportive too

Sorry I can’t reply to you all but I have read every one of your comments and couldn’t agree more with you all.

Don’t worry, nobody expects you to reply to every comment.

We’re just here to give you support. As long as you feel you’re getting something out of this thread and it’s helping you, then just read through and just take in the bits you need 💐

Oops! The stupid moron will be living on takeaways now. Not funny I know but he is all kinds of dangerous and stupid.

The OP has just escaped an abusive relationship with a dangerous and unstable man. Why on earth should she be responsible for informing the landlord about damage to his property? It's literally nothing to do with her.

Huge well done for recognising his abusive behaviour and being open and honest with your friends and work. You’ve done nothing wrong whatsoever and it’s not your behaviour to cover up or hide. I really hope you find the freedom programme helpful, there are so many genuinely lovely men out there, one who will treat you so differently

I’ve been reading why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft and it’s a really good read. It’s making me think of the behaviours which should have been red flags to me when I first met him.

I just want to thank anyone who also mentioned checking belongings for air tags, that’s something I didn’t think of and wouldn’t put it past him for doing. When I get them back I’ll be doing a thorough search!

Agreed.

His flat rental and relationship with his landlord are his problems alone.

The damage happened whilst the OP was abroad.
She couldn't have stopped it and she is not responsible for his unhinged behaviour, as the ex has argued.

She doesn't know how to contact his landlord either, and is quite right to think that getting involved in this might involve her if further, potentially dangerous contact with the Ex.

The landlord will have insurance and a security deposit which can go towards repairs.

The OP has enough to worry about escaping from this man.

Just wanted to congratulate you OP on seeing what needed to be done, and doing it, and sticking to it. I know how hard that can be.

Try not to fret about this apparently repeating pattern. I was the same. I guess they can see it in the whites of our eyes, that we're kind people who can easily be manipulated.

But there's nothing wrong with us, except an unwillingness to recognise wankers when we see them. This gets easier with time, though. Better luck in future!

@SloaneStreetVandal she's already said she's doing the freedom program. She's already said she's been in 2 abusive relationships and knows this can't repeat.

Look up shark cage theory. Some of us, for many reasons (early abuse, trauma, poor parenting) never developed one and as a result have made poor choices. I didn't really make the connection as to the repeated abusive relationships I was getting myself into until my late 20s. I could kick myself now but at the time I genuinely didn't think I deserved any better / thought that was just what 'love' was like.

The fact that you can't possibly think why she stayed probably means that you did develop a shark cage. In which case, well done, but perhaps have a think about how you saying that comes across.

I really hate comments like this. It's just victim blaming. And I don't see the point in coming on a thread like this to boast about how you think you're above being abused.

Anyone can be manipulated.

I remember after a not dissimilar experience (albeit the relationship was a little longer by about 9 years...) I also ordered that book.

When it came through the post, someone on here that day said "why focus on him? Focus on you!" They recommended The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. I can honestly hands down say that book was one of the most insightful and helpful things I've ever read.

Just a thought.

D

I suggest doing your search of your belongings in a neutral environment, if possible, or at least not at your home, simply so that you can discard anything that's not yours and feel confident that you are only taking home things that are actually yours. Without wishing to exaggerate, you may wish to be outdoors when you open the bags, just in case anything unpleasant has been packed with your belongings.

Delurking just to say how proud you should be of the determination you've shown so far. Stay strong.

By the way, it might be worth checking all your belongings for air tags, not just the stuff currently at the mutual friend's place.

I’ve been reading why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft and it’s a really good read. It’s making me think of the behaviours which should have been red flags to me when I first met him.

I didn't have that book back when I needed it, but a similar experience to you, I hit a lurching realisation that I was somehow the common denominator in all my relationship woes - luckily most of my ex's were just common-garden-variety selfish arseholes but a couple of them were also very controlling and the last one, violent.

I signed up for counselling and luckily my counsellor was very tuned in to the root of why I gravitated towards those men. Just as I gravitated towards selfish men of all flavours, they in turn gravitated to people pleasers like me. Not unlike my parents. I realised that much of our relationship teaching are learned at the knee.

Towards the end of my counselling, I was set up on a date with a colleague's flatmate and almost immediately I saw red flags and subtle tells that I would have previously ignored or brushed off. The old me would probably have drifted into a relationship with him but the new me didn't get past the first drink...and I didn't even make up a fake excuse to leave, I was assertive, and firm, telling him that I didn't see us going anywhere, and best cut our losses now. Man he was really pissed off, which only reinforced my red-flag bingo full house really! After that, I knew I'd be ok and I was right - and so will you.