Partner tried to ruin my trip - part 2

[Random100]

Just creating a new thread as the old one has filled up quickly!

Placemarking on the new thread. You are doing amazing @Random100 keep on blocking and ignoring any attempt to contact you.

After being evicted i think he would have asked to stay at yours for a 'few weeks' until he found somewhere else and you'd have found it very hard to get rid of him then.
Maybe another reason why he's raging. He's lost his chance of free lodgings.

Definitely dodged a bullet OP.

Have you spoken to the police for advice and so they can have an alert on your address for when he comes round and tries anything?

@DestroyEverythingYouTouch it stuck in my craw too! Whiffs of judgement and also being clueless

I had an ex in that neck of the woods too. He was emotionally and financially abusive with a hint of violence.
Hoping in a way there's only one and not several.

Agree. I've worked in housing for decades, and we are well aware that the kind of men who scream and bang and overstay are also likely to cause damage. This will be no surprise to any professional landlord.

Also as a social landlord, I'd rather have to build the place back up from the ground that have you in danger. Always safety first, always.

Don't mind what his mates say. Fuck them. Tell them he is an abusive wanker...don't hide it!!! It's not as if they don't already know what he is like 😂

Please please please pay NO attention to anyone questioning why you were in this relationship!!. THEY are ignorant and have no knowledge of domestic abuse/coercive control and are talking absolute 💩💩💩!

I agree with you.

I may understand why a crazy man will smash everything in the house if he knows it's not him who would clean everything and buy again all the things. But what's the point of doing it if he lives alone?

The only logical explanation for me is that he for real couldn't control himself. That makes him very dangerous. Imagine if a child or woman will be in the same room while he's in this kind of rage and can't control himself!
No wonder so many of them are capable to kill their own kids and women!

OP well done for leaving him and especially not having kids with him!

You are totally right. Do NOT get involved! Him smashing up his own flat is between him & his landlord. It is not your problem. BTW-you are doing brilliantly, and leaving that abusive excuse for a man is the best decision you could have ever made. Sending support and strength to you x

Well done! Keep strong and no contact ever!

Really pleased you're back from your trip and safely with friends and away from this lunatic. Keep letting the police know if he threatens you or finds a way to get through the blocks on all his numbers/emails.

Well done on coming this far @Random100. You should be so proud of yourself. Try not to beat yourself up about not seeing the signs.

Reading this thread has just made me realise that my exH used to do this. I left because the relationship was dead (got together very young, me anyway, together 15+ years, realised I didn't actually like him anymore, never mind love!) But every time we were getting ready to go out, either with friends, concert, holiday etc, we would get into an argument. He used to say to me, why do you always do this? I can't even recall what ONE of the arguments were about. And i realise now, as in, right now, that it's because I wasn't actually the one creating a scene or an atmosphere. I'd wrack my brains trying to figure out how I'd caused all these arguments, I honestly thought I was going mad.
I've been with my current partner for a year now and the above hasn't happened once. Not even a hint of it happening.
It really is him OP, not you x

I agree with you, and I'm not sure why a lot of people don't get it and always blame the victim. I hope soon someone will start writing books for men "How not to be an abusive man and to treat your woman and children with respect!". Is great to teach women how to spot them but at the same time teaching men what's unacceptable behaviour. The core problem is men, not women. The focus needs to be with men, because they move to the next woman and do the same.

I was watching a documentary from the US a while ago. The person who was helping women escaping domestic abuse, told that at one point in her career she had to help more than ten women to escape the same man! That's unbelievable!

Brava @DestroyEverythingYouTouch absolutely!

Well done OP, you are being so strong in the face of a man baby. He's trying every trick in the book.

Make sure you follow up your police report.

On the off chance anyone is reading the OP thread and is in a similar situation, here is a link to a free pdf of Lundy Bancroft book "Why does he do that"

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

have a think about how you saying that comes across.

Empowering, I'd hope. Every toxic relationship has it's own individual intricacies and circumstance (it is, for example, far harder to leave a toxic relationship whereupon a home and/or finances are shared), thus I don't necessarily think it's always helpful to project/assign the emotion within our own psyche (resultant from our individual experiences and choices) to every situation. There are a lot of assumptions being made on this thread.

Yes, my mindset possibly makes my opinion different to other replies. I've expressed curiosity though, rather than judgement. In spite of that there are accusations of victim blaming, which is interesting. To be clear, the loser BF is entirely to blame for the demise of the relationship; I don't think anyone would argue otherwise.

Obviously there are circumstances whereupon one can wholly consider themself a victim. My personal preference though (just mine, mind) is to avoid labelling myself as such wherever it is possible (thus avoiding giving my power to toxic people, such as the loser the OP dated).

MN is a chat forum, lots of different thoughts and opinions (and vitally, experiences); I think it works best when we don't all assume our way is the right way.

The OP has kicked the loser to the kerb, and enjoyed her holiday. Personally in her position I'd be indulging in a victor's maxim (rather than a victim's). That's just my thoughts/opinion though 😊 I'm not trying to impose it on the OP; she can dismiss it entirely.

Yes, my mindset possibly makes my opinion different to other replies. I've expressed curiosity though, rather than judgement.

@SloaneStreetVandal

Bollocks you did.

Adding "with respect" to the end of a disrespectful sentence does not make it respectful.

Quite why you would think it does is beyond me (with respect). See how that works?

In addition to the Lundy book, I’ve seen The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker recommend.

Quite why you would think it does is beyond me

I don't think it does though 😕 'With respect' is just an idiom (a polite way of posing a sensitive question/subject).

Probably best if you just stick to the topic, eh 🙂

Thats not what the word idiom actually means, but thank you for clarifying that you knew full well you were being rude and judgmental towards the OP but just wanted to appear like you were being polite about it.

If you are trying to make it seem like you don’t absolutely love talking down to people, your last sentence isn’t doing you many favours.

Nothing about the post you made, came across as the least bit empowering.

And the reason people tap into their experiences, is because they’ve been through very similar things and know what to look for and can utilise their experience to help another woman going through it.

A lot of the so called ‘assumptions’ you say have been made on this thread, aren’t assumptions at all and are coming from a place of experince and an understanding of behaviour.

And many have been proved correct with every update the OP makes.

Even the most intelligent of women have been caught out by abusers. It’s not black and white at all.

Your post came across as judgmental, not empowering I’m afraid.

Yes @browneyes77 I absolutely agree it's never black and white, I made that point explicitly.

@SloaneStreetVandal I think you're over-intellectualising the whole situation, really. You find it 'perplexing'. It's easy to exercise curiosity when you're not feeling scared, gaslit, sick, anxious, isolated.

I don't see myself as a victim either. I see myself as someone who was not given the right tools to make good decisions and who took a long time to realise that they were actively making bad decisions. Therefore I see nothing perplexing here.

And yes, it's a forum, but how does your 'I just CANNOT see HOW you thought this was a good idea' response help the OP? And as a pp said, adding 'with respect' does not a respectful comment make