Anybody else desperately trying not to contact a guy?

[FuckSakeGetAGrip]

I am, and it's honest to god wrecking me.

Please tell me someone else is struggling too.

I'll hold your hand if you'll hold mine...

@Frith2013 its so very hard when that voice belongs to your mum. As a child we seek approval from our primary caregivers instinctively from birth because it is absolutely necessary for survival. We need food and shelter and protection. We need to be able to learn how to fit into our family/ tribe to avoid ostracism and therefore isolation and danger. We therefore understandably get very stressed when we are constantly criticised by those literally responsible for our survival and self-esteem.
We learn false beliefs about ourselves, we carry hidden triggers warning us to look out for that danger that we will be found not quite good enough, less than, unworthy of belonging.
We need to counter this by listing our good qualities, our achievements, and dial those up to where they belong.
We need to see that our parents were flawed individuals too, with weaknesses as well as strengths. Their opinion matters because of the importance of their role in our lives, but that doesn’t mean that they were always right. Or that they carried out their role well or fairly.
I honestly think a really good cognitive behaviour therapist would help, Frith, if it’s gone on for years then it means hard work for you, too, but to get even a bit of freedom from it will be worth it.
When you hear those negative voices ask yourself if you would say that to somebody you loved or a very dear friend. Once you realise how you treat yourself compared to how compassionate and considerate you are towards others, you’ll see how unfair and hard you are being on yourself. Give yourself permission to be human. To fuck up once in a while like the rest of us do. To be imperfect like the rest of us are.
Find your own voice and let your mum have hers back. Realise that to make you feel this way she must have had struggles with her own imperfections and self-esteem too. Forgive her for that and realise that the lens she viewed you through meant she was forever trying to ‘perfect’ everything about you, ironically probably because she didn’t want you to feel bad about anything about yourself in the future like she did. To you it was love with conditions attached, a stream of never feeling good enough. For her, to her, it was in all likelihood seen as good parenting to help you avoid future suffering.
Make that list of your positive qualities. Your successes. All of them, great or small. Even the nutty ones like “I can whistle down my nose like a seagull.” Everything that is unique and beautiful about Frith. Everything nice you do/ did for people.
You’ll find it hard because you’re more used to spotting your faults and failures. Keep at it, add to it, read and re-read it. Be nice to yourself and treat yourself like a dear friend. Be your own cheerleader and hold your own hand. Challenge the negatives, and when you make a mistake or fail (we all do) learn from it, don’t personalise it and make amends. That’s all any of us can do, because we’re not perfect, either.

I just read a thing that said, you will never ever regret silence.

That's fucking true.

@namechangeforthis5 please stop not trying to think about it, I can guarantee you that’s all you’ll think about if you try to push it away.
The trick with OCD is counter-intuitive. You believe that not thinking about it is key. It has the reverse effect! Allow yourself to think about it (you can’t stop thoughts entering your head, anyway, nobody can) and allow yourself to think the thoughts, feel the anxiety, breathe deeply and allow the waves of thoughts and feelings to pass without resorting to texting. That’s what will help it go away. Say “To hell with struggling not to think this: I give up, come on then! Do your worst!” and then allow the thoughts to do their thing , knowing that they are just thoughts, only thoughts, but sit with it, breathe, let it pass. Sometimes you’ll text. Don’t beat yourself up, each attempt to just sit with it without texting is the right thing to do, even when you fail. You’re human, this is hard work and takes a long time to beat. Don’t give up, just try again next time. That’s the practice and that’s where the good stuff starts to happen. Not reacting with your compulsion despite the anxiety allows your brain to start seeing that the anxiety is only thoughts and feelings, and that actually nothing happens when you don’t text.
Your brain will start to reduce the importance level of the reassurance seeking and start to unpick the habit and reduce the anxiety itself once you practise what you already know logically to be true. Your amygdala doesn’t know that yet, even if the rest of your brain does, it needs to learn . Feeling but not reacting is how it learns that it’s ok to switch the alarm off, reassurance isn’t needed.
It’s honestly ok to think the bad stuff, struggling not to only increases panic and obsession. Let it happen. Know that it’s what you do with it when you allow it to happen that changes it.

Thank you @Thewookiemustgo honestly the support here is amazing

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/jun/12/a-moment-that-changed-me-58-and-single-since-1997-sex-and-the-city-meme-transformed-my-life

Cold turkey is absolutely the best thing. It's over a month for me and it's not even an active choice anymore. I have nothing I want to tell him because his opinion on what I'm doing doesn't matter to me. I haven’t been checking to see if he's contacted me because I don’t care about what he's been up to or how he is. He has absolutely no impact on my day whatsoever. I'm not bitter or sore and I don't wish him any harm. I never really knew him and now I don't care any more for him than I would any other stranger on the street.

@Thewookiemustgo thank you for this. I was in a really low place this morning and found this so helpful to read.

I'm struggling and have no one to talk to. I know I should never have got into the mess I am in but I have and I need to somehow find a way to deal with it.

I have been having an affair for over eighteen months. We stopped in January but I stupidly let myself talk to him again. I can see he is a classic love bomber.

We met up last week but since then he has ghosted me. I know the pattern and I need to break it before I fuck up everything else in my life.

@SweetheartDeal you're welcome.
I hope you manage to get out of this, the vast majority of affair relationships end in tears, it’s a mountain of pain for all involved. Look at all the positives in your life and be proud of them and work on them. Set new goals if you want to. Prioritise yourself, he certainly isn’t and may well have been using you for an escape or an ego boost, as soon as he’s in danger of losing anything/ getting discovered he will vanish, then reappear on a whim unless he decides to stop it altogether.
Affairs rarely end neatly, or immediately after a discovery, it’s usually a mess, but most end and I think a lot of women get left with their heads spinning at how a full-on love bomber who promised the earth can just go cold and ghost them.
You’re worth more than this and it sounds like you’ve learned from it, so for your own sake, put yourself first now and only pursue things that are good for you.
You know that this will screw up your life if you let it, that’s a really good place to start from. Forgive yourself and block him and move on. I can pretty much 100% guarantee you that it’s the best way to go. Stay strong and good luck!

thank you @Thewookiemustgo

I'm starting a new job on Monday and am going to throw myself into this so I will have no time to dwell on anything else.

Luckily I met him through a sport we are both into so its not work related and I have left all the Facebook groups etc so there can be no accidental contact that sucks me back in.

@IDontFeelItAnymore your quote about silence is spot on, thank you.

@SweetheartDeal the reason it didn’t get that far with me was because I had an inner alarm that told me I’d regret it but I could’ve. Main thing is you’ve come to your senses for want of a better word and now you know what tou have to do. Please stay strong

Thank you everyone who talked sense into me yesterday

He's text me and I'm actually irritated that he did. I haven’t answered, and I'm not going to because I know he's just bored and I genuinely can't be arsed. I think that means I've come out the other side.

That's a milestone for sure @LizaMinnellisFurCoat

👏👏👏👏

I have been feeling really good lately, pretty much past it, then was out at client meetings today, very busy, and out of nowhere comes that kick to the guts feeling that I now can't shake.

I do think it's to do with hormones; my period is probably due in a few days. And I won't act on how I feel, I actually really cringe at the thought of seeing him now. But still.

Rejection is so hard; it really makes me stop and question my self worth, when in reality there were a lot of factors including our partners.

Well done @LizaMinnellisFurCoat. Mine hasn’t texted and I’m so pleased! I feel amazing. @IDontFeelItAnymore keeo working through it. You’re doing great. Wish we could all meet in real life for a support group lol 😝

With WINE!

Lol @IDontFeelItAnymore just make sure you turn your phone off ha ha. No you’ll be fine

So true, affairs just break people regardless of what happened or what the relationship was like. 🤨

Don’t want to talk out of turn but I really do have a lovely husband and I’m realising reading this that I have to cherish him. Honestly not even thinking about the other guy anymore. I hope he doesn’t message me.

Look how far we've come mate ❤️

I am so bloody glad I started this thread. It's changed everything.

I know! We’ve come so so far and I’m really proud of you. And everyone really. Thank you so much @IDontFeelItAnymore. You must have been a bit nervous starting it because ppl can be judgemental but I was struggling alone with this shit for nearly 5 years! So glad I found you all x

Morning all. Had a bit of an epiphany this morning. I remember the first time my TO upset me and I said I was happy before all this started you know. Why did you have to start it. Realised that right now I feel really happy. It might not last and it might not be all to do with him but I think it helps! So grateful to this thread. Hope everyone good 😊

That's great @namechangeforthis5

I'm sad today. I just miss my mate.

Aw sorry @IDontFeelItAnymore 😞

Do u want to talk about it?

Oh thanks @namechangeforthis5

I think it's just how my PMT comes out now. I suppose it'll pass.

I mean, I could text him now and he's like...70% likely to reply. But why would I bother.