How did this nice thing become a negative?

[OneThreadOnly]

I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

the way I see it is - he tries to control me because he is insecure and thinks he can stop someone else from stealing me away.

You are right.

People are saying he's not insecure because that makes him sound vulnerable and the idea of an abusive person also being vulnerable doesn't make sense to most people. Plus it makes it easier for people to accept abuse because they can reason akd explain it away to themselves if they feel they 'understand' why it is happening and makes it more likely that someone will tolerate it - which is exactly what you are doing.

IME, most emotional abuse is rooted in insecurity for the exact reasons you say.

People feel anxious and insecure and can respond by either managing their own feelings so it doesn't impact in the other person or by trying prevent situations where their insecurities are not triggered. Unfortunately, that can usually only be achieved by controlling someone else's behavipur/movements and reducing the likelihood of someoen else 'stealing you away'

The bottom line is that, it doesn't make any difference to the fact it is controlling and doesn't lessen the impact on you.

Understanding that if you step into a lion enclosure will get you killed is what stops you from telling into a lion enclosure. Also understanding that it's not personal and the lion is operating on instinct doesn't lessen the impact of you being dead. Or make you more likely to step into the enclosure.

He needs to deal with his insecurity by managing it himself.

Ypu have no part to play in that.

He is abusive. The reason for it is irrelevant if he won't address it. The jmpact on you is the same.

Hes a jealous untrusting controlling twat op theres no "being there" or supprting him through
Come on!!

He sounds awful, and controlling. You have to support him in his work, but all he gets to do is criticise and undermine you? No way is that the behaviour of someone who loves and respects his partner.

You might have read the books and done the FP, but you need to actually put it into practice. This is so not about a meal you left for him, he's manipulating you. He's not trying to control you because he's insecure (he isn't), he's doing it because he's an abuser.

You need to work out why, despite all your previous experience, efforts and counselling, you are not seeing this awful man for what he is. Follow through with your threat and finish it.

That makes a lot of sense to me - thank you.

I guess by believing he is just insecure and I can reassure him into feeling better I am not doing myself any favours.

The fact is that his behaviour is NOT acceptable regardless of the reason and this needs to be the time that I don’t back down.

That means the end of the relationship and it’s so not what I want but I can’t have what I want, because what I want doesn’t actually exist, not with this man.

I am struggling with that part so much. Like I know it, I just don’t want it to be true.

I have shown him before a thread that I wrote about him. In some ways it did help, that specific horrible behaviour that was happening stopped.

I went against all of the advice given and stayed with him because we were at a point in our relationship that I didn’t feel I could leave. I knew I was making the wrong choice, but I stayed anyway.

He just thinks everyone on Mumsnet is “bitter old women who hate men”.

the way I see it is - he tries to control me because he is insecure

No, he controls you because he likes controlling you. Putting you down makes him feel good. He doesn't like you.

It isn’t a problem for him though, is it? It’s a problem for you, and the obvious solution (to him) is that you shut the fuck up, stop answering him back, and knuckle under when he tells you to do something. The fact that you have dared stand your ground this time is what makes you “a little bitch”, not the food.

He’s awful, and this will get worse. He is already sabotaging your job. Expect that to escalate until he gets you fired, leaving you more dependent on him. He’ll then step up to stopping you talking to male family members, men in shops, stopping you leaving the house.

So he likes a lot of control over what he eats, just like he likes a lot of control over his woman.

I have shown him before a thread that I wrote about him.

Gosh, he must have loved that. Even more time taken from your work and wasted on him instead.

He just thinks everyone on Mumsnet is “bitter old women who hate men”.

Of course he does 😂

Abusers don't like women calling them out. Makes them look like the small men they are.

I have shown him before a thread that I wrote about him. In some ways it did help, that specific horrible behaviour that was happening stopped.

Relationships shouldn't be this hard, OP. It shouldn't be a series of horrible behaviours you're trying to cope with.

I’d hate it!

I think it was a very nice thing to do - he should know you better by now and not jump to the wrong conclusion.

Hands up, bitter old woman here. Let's look at the facts about this pitiful version of a man: he calls you a bitch, he questions your perfectly reasonable working relationships, what you wear, and gaslights you into thinking that his behaviour could be your fault. So yes, I do hate men.....like him. It would be interesting to know why he hates women though. Because he absolutely does.

OP, do you think he is actually insecure about your promotion, not your colleague, and thinks you are getting above yourself/outshining him? Do you earn more than him, or much closer to him, now than you did before?

He really does seem like he is trying to get you sacked.

I can’t see if you’ve mentioned, but how long have you been together? Doesn’t sound like it’s actually all that long if you don’t yet live together?

You don’t live together why are you so enmeshed with this man?

why can’t you do the I’m done goodbye, will he get aggressive, violent even.

why are you still clinging on are you frightened to be alone?

wouldnt life be better alone than with this man?

This is your livelihood you're talking about. You don't screw that up for an insecure man. I mean he worries about work team calls with men? This is who he is and he is not going to change. He simply doesn't trust you and nothing you say will change that. He probably doesn't trust any woman. I mean I am on constant team calls with people, men and women. I often work late with some men if I'm in the office. I have travelled with men on work trips. My husband trusts me. He has never raised any quibble about these things. I'm not a bitter man hater. I love my husband and sons. I am on the mature side though. LTB though and put the lipstick on.

@OneThreadOnly

I hope you're not planning on showing his this thread OP and that you've changed your user name from last time. If you are, you're just handing him the tools to more effectively manipulate you.

For your own sake (keeping your job/not destroying your career or mental health, etc) take a deep breath, bite the bullet and sever him from your life. The way he is now is as good as it gets- surely you ANYONE is worth more than this. 🌹

It came to a head on Friday because it is now affecting my ability to do my job. I have just been promoted and am trying to pass professional exams and he is making it impossible to actually do my job.

It is an issue that would be a unanimous LTB which is why I didn’t post it because I just wanted opinions on the food thing.

This relationship is harming you. End it.

Jesus H Christ never advise a woman to show her abusive partner a mumsnet thread about them! What are you thinking!

The issue is his insecurities. It’s on going and I have tried to make him understand how much it affects me but he refuses to acknowledge it is a problem.

Doesn’t the fact that he is not even trying to see your POV/trying to get help tell you everything?

Why would he change and compromise when he can just mould you into someone who does whatever he wants.

FWIW I’m not old and I don’t hate men (I work in an establishment solely for males and have many male friends) but I cannot stand this man because he’s a dick.

Why is this better than being single?
Are you afraid to be alone?

It makes me so sad that you are so quick to think that your kind act was wrong / passive aggressive, that you are to be blamed.
This comment sums it up
I think you need to stop thinking of this as 'he's a little bit insecure and if I can prove my love to him then he will stop being insecure' and start thinking of it as 'he is jealous and controlling, and nothing I do will ever be right/enough for him'.
Sending massive hugs and strength.

Exactly!! 👏👏

I don’t work twenty four hours a day seven days a week. I find it bizarre that you think I do.

When we argued on Friday I left his home during my lunch and went home. We didn’t speak again until Friday evening.

@OneThreadOnly

Insecure/not insecure doesn't matter. It's the behaviour that matters, not the reason for it. Your only concern is that the behaviour must stop. The reason for it and what he does about it is his to figure out, not yours.

IMHO when you have a dealbreaker issue and you give what amounts to an ultimatum (fix it or else) and you say "Not dealing with you until you get this fixed" then you have to follow through 100%. That means basically going 'no contact' until they get their shit figured out. To bring food, do wash, talk and 'support' to 'show you love them' is the same as saying that you don't really mean your ultimatum.

But that's all by the by. A man like him will never change and its pretty obvious that he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, just that you 'don't like it'. His need for control is so deeply embedded that no amount of reading books or even therapy will truly 'cure' him. It can only make the behaviour 'go underground'. But it will resurface, you can be sure of that. So the question isn't whether or not it's 'gone', but whether or not you want to deal with its resurfacing intermittently (or continuously) for the rest of your life.