How did this nice thing become a negative?

[OneThreadOnly]

I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

Op you are behaving like his mother putting a wash on in his house making him food...STOP he is a grown man....STOP appeasing him.

Start putting yourself front and centre of your life every day, what does he add to your life each day,? really think about this every day you choose to stay.

Red flags
Possesiveness
Interfering with your work
Controlling how you look, who you see, who you speak to.
Being verbally abusive.

Yet you still try to pander to him..stop it please.

ONE of those would have me leaving my relationship.

People need to read the OP’s updates before posting.

You’re in an abusive relationship and he’s using his insecurities to justify being controlling and coercive. It’s only going to get worse and worse over time, as it slowly erodes any shred of self esteem you have left. Your history of abusive relationships makes you vulnerable to further abusive relationships, and your experience as a child makes you more likely to tolerate abuse in your relationship. If he was serious about change he’d accept responsibility, not blame you or your mood or cycle, and attend a perpetrator course. But you already know all this because you’ve done all the courses, read all the books etc, so all we can really do is hope you reach your limit sooner rather than later and escape before it gets worse.

OP
I am just scared that maybe the problem is my mood swings and I will lose him when it’s really my fault

Even if your mood swings are not ok then so what. The way he treats you is awful and looking for ways to be able to blame yourself for HIS behaviour isn't going to change the fact that it's a shitty unhealthy relationship. He isn't going to change and he doesn't even seem to like you. The two of you are not comparable.

He's really done a number on you but don't make it worse by doing a number on yourself.

OP, I wonder if you are so desperate for it to be something you are "doing wrong" because then it would be in your power to change it? Do you think that if you only solved the puzzle of a hidden way in which you "don't love him well enough" and "fix it" he will become secure, loving, relaxed, etc etc.

I think you know intellectually that he's an abusive arse. It's how he understands relationships with women. Including telling them he feels "insecure" every time she shows a sign of independent existence as a person in her own right. In his world that is not allowed, and he is working hard to frighten you out of ever thinking it.

You need to sit down and have a word with the deeply unhelpful corner of your subconscious which longs for all his many horrible characteristics actually being a "you problem" that you can fix. It will never, ever happen because it is 1000% a him problem.

That corner of your subconscious will have you trapped in hell with the king of the controlling bastards, unless you shout it down and tell it how dangerously foolish it's being, every time you hear a peep of "maybe it is my hormones..."

Good post. I was wondering the same.

Imagine - someone with an important new job, that they should be throwing all their time and effort into to show they deserved the promotion and have masses to offer, taking regular time out to check and monitor their own body and grooming habits in order to gather non-implicating evidence for a jealous boyfriend.

If I were your boss, and knew of this, I would be really quite angry.

You seem to be constantly pacifying him and offering up proof to his questioning - it's a lot for just 1 week. How often do you see him as you clearly don't live together?
Just stop with answering him, his questions do not require a defence in response. It must be so tiresome, have you not worked out yet that no amount of answering or proof will ever be enough? Yet here you are, years down the line by the sounds of it, still answering, still giving proof.
Isn't it about time you changed tactics? Not that anything will work, but given the definition of insanity is doing the same thing but expecting a different response maybe a change is due.
For example:
"You are wearing lipstick"
-" Yes, it's my right to, wherever and whenever I want"
" You have a new top on"

• "and your point is? I can chose to wear what I like"

" you are wearing different perfume"

• "do you like it? It's an oldie, but a goody, I like to smell nice"

Keep your answers short, the closer to a simple yes or no the better, no long explanations that lead to production of proof, that's just pandering to his insecurity rather than shining a light on their stupidity.

@OneThreadOnly - I have seen a lot in this thread about the things you do for this man, to make his life easier, to make him feel loved and cared for, to placate his insecurities - but I have seen absolutely nothing that he does, to make you happy, secure, loved etc - just a litany of things he does to control you and make you feel bad.

It is clear that you are a loving and caring person, and you deserve so much better than this man - and the longer you spend trying to cram yourself into the tiny mould he has for you, the more damage you will do yourself, and the less time you will have to find a truly decent man.

Nothing winds my OH up more than me trying to do something nice for him. It's obviously me trying to make a point. But I've learned that it's his anger issue not mine.

Arghhhh, OP stop tying yourself in knots. You're taking his dinner round despite the fact that he's trying to control everything you wear - and he won't even 'acknowledge it', let alone change it. Who cares if you ask every lunar cycle, it wouldn't matter if you said it on the 3rd Friday of every month...the problem is...HE is being coercively controlling and its not OK!

Don't negotiate or get pulled into arguments with him about it. This is your stance, it's not changing...that's what a boundary is. It's not there to be argu2d over whether you've a right to it. We all have the bloody right to say what's not OK for us and stick to that.

100% agree with this comment.

OP has written a lot about the disagreement that led to this argument in later posts so it's probably worth updating yourself before agreeing with a post that was written 5 hours ago.

Men who aren't your GP and ascribe your behaviour to "that time of the month" are universally twats.

OP you sound so close to leaving - I know what it's like to logically know something but not to have the follow through, here's hoping you find the strength soon, he's a dangerous man

Hi OP,
You didn't want to post the issue because you would hear LTB. I'm afraid I am proving you right. Your boyfriend is this controlling and you don't even live together - and he is jealous about you working with a colleague.

What would he be like if you did live together? Or you wanted a week on holiday with a female friend? Or to meet a male friend for a coffee?

You have seen how jealous this man is and I don't believe it is something that he can/will change. You are not a pair of teenagers and he doesn't even accept that there is a problem. You know this problem will only escalate the more enmeshed you both get. Get out now.

He's an arsehole. Let him cook his own dinners from now on.

@ItsSerious

Have you suggested couples therapy? I've never tried it but wonder if that might help to reach a point where he might realise he needs to do some solo work as well. I assume he won't be enthusiastic...

Having co-counselling with someone so manipulative, aggressive and abusive is really not a good idea. If he was to agree to go, he'd use what OP honestly said in those sessions to twist the situation back in his favour and leave her feeling even more destabilised (DARVO).

OP do you feel you are getting anything really positive from your therapist? Are they experienced in dealing with people who are in abusive, manipulative relationships. I think you said you've been seeing her for a year and that you've had a past dealing with several situations where you have been abused? Maybe it's time to change therapists. 🌹

I think your relationship is over. If you want peace and sanity anyway.

Otherwise keep repeating bad behaviour together and keep getting upset and hurt by this idiot man

It’s not your period. If it was your period WHY aren’t his insecurities higher when it’s your period? Do they follow your cycle and ebb and flow? When you’re fertile and with him he should be chilling out.

No. his behaviour is like this 24/7.

even if your hormones are to blame - I actually think they are probably are making you much more rational and giving you strength to address the massive problem rather than you losing tolerance to his shit personally.

and it could be in this 4 week cycle by pure coincidence

you bring it up, he throws an mantrum, you close down, appease him for as long as you can bear, get tired and annoyed you’re having to prove yourself again and again you try to deal with it and it just happens to align with you hormonally.

the difference now, to me an outsider, is his insecurities are getting to the point where he is now cycling around all the phrases men have used in an effort to get women to quit their jobs and do something he approves of, often lower paid and working solely with women and basically trapping you leaving you dependant on him. deep down, subconsciously, I think you know this you’ve just not accepted this is possibility with him yet.
that he’ll only be ‘happy’ if you’re alone and lonely except for him where he can then blame you for being poor and him having to earn all the money.

OP, how on earth did you get this far into a relationship with someone who does this?

I've been in a relationship with DP for 17 years. The number of times I've questioned how much she's talking to another man is once, and that was because she initiated the conversation about it.

The number of times I have questioned her clothing, or perfume, or makeup is precisely zero.

That is what you should be looking for in a healthy relationship, not the absolute horror show you're living through at the moment. Stop laying out boundaries, or ultimatums, and just dump the nasty little bastard already.

A man like this does not deserve a relationship with you, or in fact any other woman!

@OneThreadOnly I really think that you need to really think about why you didnt want to say what the one issue was, because you knew everyone would tell you to leave, because you know you should.

nothing is going to change him.

You cant just be ‘willing’ to walk away. You need to walk away.

Op Your post at 11.11 with partner's long list of complaints reveals you must be living in Afghanistan, Iran or some strictly male dominated country/society as he has the mental attitude of some men is found there - or has he migrated from a strict muslin country and still adheres to those traditions? If so - he should be completely supporting you with all your needs.

Yes - I thought of the word 'Purdah' when I read that chilling list.

It would seem like a dig by saying you’re not prepared to spend anymore time with him and ‘here’s your meal for you to enjoy alone, you pathetic saddo’

this. It sounds like whatever it is, for you its a dealbreaker and that's fine because we all have our dealbreakers...but I don't think you actually mean that you are partners (or at least how I would define partners) and its a thing that can be resolved because you have said that he has to acknowledge it as an issue and promise to do something about it or he will not see you again....that's not partner talk, its dealbreaker talk. and yes I think going into his home after saying that....well I'd think it was weird too...a bit creepy even. Only you know truly what you meant by it. but yeah, weird bordering on manipulative.