How did this nice thing become a negative?

[OneThreadOnly]

I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

To answer a couple of questions asked - Yes I earn more than he does and when I complete my exams that could double.

We have been together three and a half years. We don’t live together because I will never give up my security to live with and be dependant on a man. He says he won’t live with me because of my mood swings.

For what it’s worth in the early days I did have a lot of mood swings my therapist really helped me with window of tolerance etc and funnily enough the only time I ever feel the need to shout or cry is when he has accused me yet again and I want to leave and he won’t let me. Yes that causes me to blow up and he says that all our problems stem because I can’t just have a conversation about something.

the truth is we have had endless conversations about this so yes when it comes up yet again I do sometimes fly of the handle and want to leave and get away from him.

Time to remind myself that this isn’t normal and I don’t need to put up with it.

Seems like you were sending very mixed signals.

He also doesn't seem like a nice person at all.

the truth is we have had endless conversations about this

How long are you going to keep having conversations/arguments about the same thing?

Surely there has to be an end point.

This relationship can never work if you don’t agree on this huge thing and if nothing has changed in 3 years, why do you think it will change in the next 3 or 10 years.

You are wasting your life on a relationship that doesn’t work.

its time to end this once and for all.

he's the catalyst to your moods and emotions as you get defensive when he brings up his so called insecurities which are abusive behaviours.

I don't think it was passive aggressive as such, but I do think it muddied the waters. If you need space from your partner and feel you have got to the point of offering an ultimatum, then you need to properly commit to that. Dropping food round is sending mixed signals and creating drama, even if uninentionally.

He just thinks everyone on Mumsnet is “bitter old women who hate men”.

All male abusers of women do, funnily enough 🙄

What was the original issue? If it's something he is categorically not going to change then there is no point being in contact with him and making him meals etc because the relationship is effectively over.

I don’t care if you ran over his cat, calling you a ‘nasty bitch’ is surely relationship ending.

Making him a meal mid conflict is weird. I would have left him to it, permanently.

So this paragraph is EXACTLY what pages of posters are telling me!

@TheOriginalFrench

FFS, @OneThreadOnly- the man wants you out of your job.

Essentially he hates you.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. Exactly this.

I can’t get past you saying that you don’t wear lipstick. This made me so sad.

It really isn’t you, OP. It really is him. And he’s a total shit.

When I got out of an abusive relationship years ago, I promised myself I would never tolerate being called a 'bitch' ever again and no man would ever shout at me again. I dated plenty of men whose red flags I either didn't see at first or saw and ignored because I was smitten, but sticking to that promise made me walk away from any relationship that had the potential to descend into control and abuse again.
Lots of women ask themselves 'is it me?' when they find themselves in yet another damaging relationship and the honest answer is that yes, it is. If you walk away the second a man swears at you you don't end up 3 years down the line having to show the labels on your clothes to prove they are old and therefore acceptable. Another way to look at is: if you walk away 3 years in when you have to justify what makeup you have on and get called a 'bitch' for doing something caring, you won't end up 10 years in a shell of your former self. Do it for future you, and don't waste your love and kindness on a man who doesn't deserve it xxx

Thank you for this honesty. I appreciate it so much.

I am about halfway through the book now(I read fast) and it is so strange to see all the parts I underlined in my previous relationship, the one that ended in a restraining order.

Some of them apply in this relationship too but a lot less, so it seems to be that I am slowly downgrading abusers.

the husband who battered me became the controlling intimidating stalker who has now become the jealous and controlling man.

Hard to believe I am actually an intelligent woman with a decent job and good prospects when these are the behaviours I choose to accept.

It’s a very eye opening day for me.

OP, you don't need to understand why this relationship is doomed, you don't need him to understand either. He doesn't need an explanation and you don't need to discuss it or analyse it for hours and hours and hours. You don't owe him anything. Do whatever makes it easiest and quickest to leave him but remember that it's absolutely pointless arguing with him or trying to get him to understand.

All that is relevant is that the relationship is bad and it's bad for you.

I think the problem is the mixed messages. On the one hand, you told him unless he sorts out the problem, he won't see you. Then you're on the phone giving him advice and helping with work problems and leaving meals at his house! It's confusing and he probably does feel it's passive aggressive. If you're really going to stand your ground about the original issue, stay away and let him come to you when he's decided what he's going to do.

OP I am so glad this thread and Lundy Bancroft are helping you. And delighted you are taking back your power 💪💪

And it's a shame people ppst after just reading the OP but that's Mumsnet - hopefully you are past the stage of responding to people about the bloody dinner!

This. End your relationship with him, then reread the books.

@OneThreadOnly

I earn more than he does and when I complete my exams that could double.

I am actually an intelligent woman with a decent job and good prospects when these are the behaviours I choose to accept.

This ^^ is why he hates you. How dare you be kind, thoughtful, intelligent, independent, well thought of, earning more than him with the real potential for more? Of course he needs to grind you down, destabilise you and make you continually doubt yourself. Who do you think you are? 🌹

To answer a couple of questions asked - Yes I earn more than he does and when I complete my exams that could double

And there it is. That’s why he’s sabotaging your job. He can’t stand you outdoing him, so he’s certainly not going to allow you to pass more exams and show him up even more.

OP I had a friend in a relationship with someone like your partner. She was jealous of everyone - his friends, work colleagues, accused him of looking at other women walking down the street (he wasn't) etc and it just got worse and worse. He stayed away from all his friends and did everything he could to placate her and try and make her feel secure. Eventually he married her hoping that the commitment would make her realise that he wasn't interested in anyone except her. It didn't work. The marriage lasted 6 months and he was I'm a terrible state by the time he ended it. Please don't make the mistake of thinking he will change - he will not. Stop limiting yourself in terms of clothes, make up and perfume to placate him. This will only get worse. You need to leave him.

This is sad to read OP. He's not going to change and yes he's controlling you. Please end it.

OP: Leave him before he harms your career. You deserve better than a man who treats you like a threat to be neutralised.