How did this nice thing become a negative?

[OneThreadOnly]

I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

Perhaps you might go back and read the OP’s further posts, @K8ate?

@godmum56 you might also find it useful to RTFT before commenting?

you are absolutely right but quel drip feed!

Sorry I have been out in the sunshine and just caught up with this.

he is still emailing from from work the jist of it -

Is he supposed to be ok with me changing my clothes and wearing more perfume and more makeup (I’m not) when this man has started.

I have started wearing spring clothes because it is spring. Nothing at all to do with the new colleague other than coincidental timing.

I am not wearing more make up or perfume. I’m simply not.

Round and round and round we go.

The ironic part? The new colleague is obnoxious, annoying and I really can’t stand him. Which my DP knows because we have spoke about him (before all the crazy started from my DP). He is however my senior so I am of course polite and friendly and he is good at his job so I respect that.

He is also much older than me, been married for many many years and not in the least attractive. (Sorry not trying to be bitchy here just giving context) my DP pointed out how reassured he was when he saw him too so he knows how he looks.

If I was planning an affair (I’m not) he wouldn’t be my idea of a tempting offer.
I’m not saying that to be nasty or derogatory but it does kind of show that his insecurities and accusations are even more ridiculous.

@OneThreadOnly - are you deliberately missing the point?

You do not need to argue or prove anything to this vile man you think you’re in a relationship with.

The fact that he questions and undermines you - with the sole aim of destroying your independence - is an overwhelmingly good reason to leave him and never look back.

Dump him. Concentrate on your job.

Please spend not one minute more on defending what you wear or who you talk to at work with this man.
It is not normal.
It is not acceptable.
It is making you doubt yourself (gaslighting).
You are not helping him by engaging in the conversation - you are actually giving him more fuel.
Please end this very damaging dynamic by finishing the relationship. He can not make you happy, I'm sorry.

You are way overthinking this.

He's not insecure 😂

He's just a controlling prick. Bin him off. Life's too short to live with this stress.

I know I am prolonging the inevitable, I know what I need to do, it’s just hard isn’t it.

I really really wish he could see into my brain and see that I am innocent of all the things he says but unfortunately that can’t happen and I know that.

There is nothing at all I can do to change how he sees me and it’s frustrating and sad.

You're still not getting it. He doesn't want to change. This behaviour works for him. Even if he could see into your brain he would still want to control you because this is how he wants to be in a relationship. He doesn't really think you're cheating or want to cheat!

Stop trying to justify yourself and prove your innocence. Just get rid of him. He sounds immature and needy.

Thing is, he doesn't really believe it - it's just a handy stick to beat you with and make you do what he wants, to keep you in a box of his making.

If it wasn't your imagined likelihood of cheating, it would be something else.

You can't convince him because he doesn't want to be convinced.

OK, yes - you are deliberately missing the point. (And, I’m afraid, beginning to lose this part of your audience.)

He is not suffering with insecurity.

He hates you and does not want you to lead an independent life.

He is poison and will destroy you.

It is not ‘hard’.

Just Leave Him. Block his messages. Don’t speak on the phone. Don’t meet him for any discussion. Stop wasting your life and ruining your career over him.

He's toxic and jealous, you can't ever have a healthy relationship with him

Do what you need to do

You sound like it is OK for your partner to complain re. you clothes , makeup and perfume etc.as if you are using them to attract your work colleague. You are at pains only to point out to partner you are not attracted to colleague. The point is you can wear whatever you like and you should be telling partner his controlling attitude is unacceptable. He sound very needy, desperate and insecure - why is that? You are not his mother. What are his work problems?

I know that you realise what you need to do. Please do it, and soon.

This man wont ever change, you will not be the first person he has manipulated, bullied and abused, but let him be your last person to treat you this way. Stop allowing this.

Oh op. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who called me a nasty bitch (the relationship would be over there and then in fact if anyone used those words to my face) and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who constantly thought the worst of me.

He is suspicious of you having an affair and thinks you had ulterior motives bringing him food. He always assumes the worst of you because that is how HIS mind works and he thinks yours works the same way when you couldn’t be more different people,

Op I really don’t know why you are investing so much time, energy and love in to this relationship with someone who doesn’t value you properly? I hope you can free yourself from it as you deserve so much better. 💐

Come on now OP, stop this. He is not insecure. He isn’t worried or concerned or anything like that. He is controlling. If your therapist hasn’t told you that he isn’t insecure and explained the difference to you then you need a new therapist because that one is dreadful.

I really feel for you as you’re clearly quite muddled up and confused by him. But if you want to stop getting burned, at some point you have to accept that fire is hot and stop sticking your hand into the flames. He is never going to change. He will continue to burn you if you stay with him.

Why are you constantly entering his home to prepare his lunch / put the washing on etc etc.

he is not a baby, he is not your son nor your father.

he is quite capable of doing all this for himself !

he is your boyfriend, not your partner - you don't live together.

and as for ' and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me. '

but you exchanged emails with him and still entered his home and left him a cooked meal - why !

and enough for the next day too ! why oh why !!!

a nice thing - really ?

you are not his mother.

I would hate to come home and find my boyfriend had let himself in, without me knowing he was coming round, and left me food

esp as it was the food we were supposed to be eating together

talk about rubbing his face in it !

I would be having my key back quickly, and you would only ever be in my home when invited.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon - another who couldn’t be bothered to read even the OP’s updates.

I know I’m not the Thread Police - but it disrupts and disfigures an evolving conversation if people are so eager to offer their valuable contribution that they don’t ensure they’ve understood the situation first.

OP he isn't insecure. He doesn't think you are about to have an affair. This isn't about the new man at work. You can't convince him you're right about the perfume or the clothes because it isn't about that. It is about trying to control you. And he has always been able to because you have placated him for an easy life. Even the food thing was about placating him in a way, and he knows that and is using it against you, as he is using "hormones" against you. Get out. He is a manipulative sad little man and you cannot fix him.

I feel a bit confused with those saying he’s not insecure.

the way I see it is - he tries to control me because he is insecure and thinks he can stop someone else from stealing me away.

but hearing it from many of you - he isn’t insecure, that is just a convenient thing to say to get me to go along with what he wants?

I suppose either way it doesn’t actually change anything because regardless the reason, I can’t put up with it. It just seems like two very different motivations/circumstances.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon he is usually over the moon when I do things like that because he shifts mean he could get home at 8pm and be back in again at 6.30am so it’s a big help.

He doesn’t eat takeaway or anything like that. Only macro counted food including meals he takes to work with him so it’s usually welcomed.

I have taken onboard how it could have been seen as passive aggressive, it didn’t even occur to me that it could be seen that way but now that it has been pointed out I get it.

An insecure relationship is characterized by one or both partners experiencing feelings of doubt, anxiety, or uncertainty about themselves or the relationship. A controlling relationship, on the other hand, is characterized by one partner exerting power and control over the other.

This is the difference between insecure and controlling I tried to explain in my own words but couldn't so this is from a DV charity

@OneThreadOnly if you'd like him to 'see inside your brain' then would you be ok with showing him this thread? It would sure prove your innocence once and for all and it would also show the effect his behaviour is having on you... do you think that's a good idea?

He doesn’t eat takeaway or anything like that. Only macro counted food including meals he takes to work with him so it’s usually welcomed.

@OneThreadOnly not a single person on this thread gives a fig about this man’s dietary preferences. Not one. And nor should you. You’re not his mother or his carer. You don’t live with him and none of this:

we are partners, a team and making life easier for each other

is true. You are in the middle of professional exams and have just been promoted. Why don’t you take that seriously? Why is it secondary to the demands of this evil, bullying, jealous oaf who is intent on dragging you down until you have absolutely nothing left of your own self?