Really need an outside perspective please.

[AmberExpert]

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

I'm sorry but are you suggesting op should pay for a handy person to help this neighbour ?

And why should she be monitoring the ammount of phone calls and having to visit some stupid woman who doesn't respect boundaries.

That way lies madness.

How are you getting on, @AmberExpert ?

@BlastedPimples I’m up and down to be honest, I have some good days and not so good days. Which I know is to be expected. I’m starting to look at rented houses whilst I decide where I want to settle. There has been minimal contact, all instigated by exOH. I’ve deleted his number so I’m not tempted to get in touch. I’m driving myself crazy thinking what he’s doing and who with, but I know I’m being stupid and I need to try and move past these thoughts.

Thanks for checking in x

You’re not being stupid @AmberExpert its a natural part of the grieving process. You shared a life with this man so of course it’s going to feel strange. There’s a hole where he used to be but that will be filled with other things in time. But you’re right that you shouldn’t be giving into it except when needed for practical reasons because it’s only going to prolong the pain

its great you’re looking for rentals, that will be a big step towards your new normal once you’ve found one and settled in.

Thanks @Ginkypig I'm just taking it day by day and adjusting to my new normal. There are times when I have absolute clarity I've done the right thing and times when I think I should have just put up with it and been a bit more, I don't know, blasé about it all. But I wasn't, I couldn't be, and so here we are.

He was taking the piss. Still is. Why would you be blasé about someone doing that to you.

You have pride, standards. You walked away. All power to you.

I know @BlastedPimples I feel so weak and pathetic even thinking it, never mind writing it. I know he's taking the piss. They both are.

I said to the friend I'm staying with at a low point, I should have just put up with it. She made me say it again and said imagine she was saying it, what would I say to her....it really hit home.

I know I've just got to grit my teeth and push through. I know I've done the right thing in leaving. The news is filtering through and I'm getting messages from neighbours and people I'd started to make friends with. He's telling them I left because I wasn't happy there, obviously he's not going to tell them the truth. I'm turn between wanting to tell them, and wanting to keep my dignity and pride and not get into a battle of words.

Anyway, I'm rambling. That's what insomnia does to me.

Well, you don't have to tell anyone why you left in detail. You can keep your dignity and simply say you're not being happy back there isn't the truth.
But you don't need to go into detail and explain yourself to anybody. Keep your dignity.

The fact that he's lying to the neighbours and friends means he knows fine well he's behaved badly and doesn't want their judgment on his shitty behaviour.

He knows fine well his behaviour is not acceptable.

"His inappropriate relationship with X meant our relationship was over".

Short and to the point. I am so sorry, it must be so painful. But you will get over this. Staying would be worse.

Keep pushing through. You are doing the right thing and will look back and see your own strength.

The fact that he’s lying to neighbors and friends about why you left speaks volumes.

He knows. He knows he is wrong. I would feel a great deal of vindication in just learning that he won’t tell the truth about his behavior. If he thought it was ok, he wouldn’t be hiding it.

Tell people what you feel most comfortable with. The fact he's lying to people speaks volumes, he's either trying to paint himself in a better light, paint himself as the victim, he knows the truth will reflect badly on him or all of the above.

If you don't want to spill the entire details just tell people that he's been spending too much time with another woman, making her the priority which has made you uncomfortable and he's refusing to put you first.

@AmberExpert He's telling them I left because I wasn't happy there, obviously he's not going to tell them the truth. I'm turn between wanting to tell them, and wanting to keep my dignity and pride and not get into a battle of words. I would most certainly be setting the record straight and letting them know that the ow is fawning all over his ego!! you would not tolerate this behaviour! make it really uncomfortable or them and let them know that their behaviour is disgraceful!!

@AmberExpert

I'm glad your friend is giving you the in real life support you need, and that you're looking for potential new homes for yourself.

As others have said, your ex-OH is trying to muddy the waters about your departure. What you could consider saying to friends/ex-neighbours is something like

"I left because I could no longer tolerate his inappropriate behaviour". They'll soon fill in the blanks. I bet some of them have already worked out what he's doing.

Keep going OP - I know you're hurt now but you really are much better off not having this disrespectful person in your future. 🌹

I agree with what others are saying but I also know know you jointly own that house so try not to get into a situation where he starts to play silly buggers and not being amicable about the sale etc.

I don’t want you to end up in a situation where he punishes you for bruising his ego or considering you have made him look bad in front of his court (because he does think of himself as a king doesn’t he!)

although I also really agree with others! If it were me I’d probably go with @Newestname002 it covers a multitude of sins!

also while you’re looking at rentals I’d also get on to ea’s to get a valuation and get started with the process of either him offering enough to buy you out or getting it sold so you can get your share back.

fuck him and the shit he rides on!

@AmberExpert If I were you and you're hearing these comments that your Ex is saying about why you left, you could turn it around and say "Oh, that's very interesting. It's not at all why I left but in fairness I wouldn't have expected anything different from a man who wants to spend all of his waking time fawning over another woman but hey ho, you live and learn." or something along those lines. Gets the message out that you're moving on, you haven't given any serious time or thought to him but you want to set the record straight in one go.

You'll get through this and emerge even stronger and less likely to take any crap from anyone!

Thanks all for your messages and solidarity, it really means a lot to me.
Despite my lack of sleep I’m feeling really strong today.

@LookItsMeAgain that’s a great reply, I’m going to keep that in my back pocket for when I need it, and I’m sure I will at some point!

We are still working out the financial side of thing, I own a part share in the house so I’m waiting to hear from him about that. I’m hopeful we can sort that out from a distance and I won’t have to go back. I’m sure even as I’m feeling strong today I’m not strong enough to face him and going back to the home we shared.

thanks again for your support x

How long were you in the house? Don't forget you are owed part share of equity too. You need to have a proper valuation done, and he needs to stump up your portion of current equity to buy you out too. You need a solicitor to handle the paperwork.

@Opentooffers just in the house a couple of years. He paid for most of it, I just gave him a small percentage. The deeds etc are in his name. I didn't have the funds available to go 50 - 50, but all the bills, food shopping etc were split equally. He always said if anything happened he'd give me my money back. I might be being foolish here, but I think he will. He's said he will. If he doesn't then I might have to seek legal advice.

I've found re-reading this thread and your replies and support so helpful, I wanted to come back on with an update.

So, I've had a couple of texts from him, where to send my post to and one with a query about the club we are in. I politely responded but haven't initiated any contact. In one of my replies I mentioned the money he said he would pay me, which he didn't respond to. I was just at the point of thinking I might need to get legal advice when he transferred the money. There was no phonecall or text. I text to say I'd received it, not heard anything back. My friend said this was his way of exerting his last bit of control over me, which I think is true.

It feels very final, and I have to say I feel really sad. I'm still on the roller coaster of emotions, very up and down. I'm trying to focus on my future and have been looking st houses and even thinking I might apply for jobs. I work remotely but think a new job, meeting new people will help with my recovery.

When I'm feeling ok I feel like I've never been as strong, and when I'm not I feel like I've never been as weak. Living with and leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is the hardest thing I've endured.

Thank you again for all your support. I don't think I'd be where I am without it.

OP, you are amazing.
Of course it is hard, sad, and disappointing.
But he was not a good man, and long term this would become more and more evident.
Give yourself a little time to grieve and then push yourself to not waste any more of your precious life and time on him.
I think shaking things up work wise could be a very good thing.
Keep posting, so many of us are in your corner and wishing you the very best.

I'm not surprised you feel sad.

He's not prepared to fight for your relationship. Refuses to see the problem.

It's really painful for you.

His continued disrespectful behaviour demonstrated that he didn't care about you and what you thought.

It's fortunate that you care very much about yourself and what you think. Otherwise you'd be allowing him to continue to treat you badly.

No doubt he's pissed off he can't continue to treat you badly, that you haven't stuck around, waiting for more misery to be doled out to you.

Courage. It will get better. You're a woman not to be messed with.

Iv been thinking about you.

im glad you came back and your finding it helpful!

so he’s given you the money for everything including the house? Is it the correct amount. did you get the house valued?

What I’m asking is do you feel you have had a fair amount rather than taking what he’s offered just to close the chapter.

it’s nothing to do with me obviously if you’re happy with it that’s what matters.

ye you’re describing completely normal but very confusing opposing emotions that come after going through what you went through.

Keep going the way you are you’re starting to see the light at the other side now

once you get your new job and somewhere to live that will fill a big part of the empty space he created.

Thank you, I don't feel very amazing at the moment, but I'm sure brighter days are on the horizon. I think having a new home and a new job are the fresh starts I need. I can be a bit inpatient though, so I'm practicing bring patient and not rushing headlong into the first thing that comes along!

Thank you, you've hit the nail on the head with how he's been and how it's made me feel. Sometimes when I'm feeling low I think was it really as bad as I think it was, have I made a mountain out of a mole hill, but I know deep down I couldn't have continued. It wasn't a healthy or safe relationship. He was very emotionally immature.

Thank you for your kind words.

Thank you, its nice to feel I've got people in my corner.

I'll be honest, he's given me what I put into the house, nothing more. I could have fought for more, but I just don't have the emotional strength or resiliance to put up a fight. I have a feeling he'll turn nasty and I just can't put myself through it. I've got all my belongings and some bits and pieces I bought so I'm happy with that. I'm just glad to draw a line under it all and get on with the rest of my life.

Thank you for thinking about me.