Baby’s Dad Doesn’t Think He’s Responsible Financially

[Anonymousmummmy]

BD and I have been together about 3 years now and we have a 1.5yr old (planned). We’ve had quite a turbulent relationship - he can be incredibly selfish sometimes (tends to go through phases). Anyway, one subject we always struggle with is financials. He had debts, spends irresponsibly, and just doesn’t care much about money. I own the house, and everything is in my name (he moved in with me), I bought absolutely everything (like he ever would🙄).

He’s never really contributed anything towards food shops, bills, our son, or anything else for that matter. He recently started a new job which I was so pleased about and hoped he’d finally start paying towards his son. The nursery fees are about £1200 per month and it’s crushing me on top of the mortgage, food, loan, car, bills and everything else. I work full time and organise and pay for everything; absolutely everything is my responsibility - if baby is sick, I have to deal with it and organise things with work, not him (even though we both work he wouldn’t ever even consider picking baby up himself and looking after him), pick up and drop off from nursery every day is all on me (he’s never done it once), food shopping and buying clothes/nappies/toys on me, washing all his clothes and bedding etc is all me. The things he does help with Is cooking - he does maybe 40% which is helpful, and he’s recently started helping keep the kitchen clean, and he will get baby ready when I ask him to (after a few asks!).

I haven’t had a penny from him in a long time so because he started this new job I asked if he could start paying half the nursery fees (nothing else) and he wouldn’t answer me so I pushed for an answer and he snapped and said ‘why do I have to say yes’ and then ended up storming out of the house so he doesn’t have to talk about it. I just don’t get it… Why can’t he have a civil conversation about this and agree a plan going forward so it’s not all on me?! How is it fair that everything’s on my shoulders and he just gets to do whatever he pleases and only be responsible for himself?

I don’t know what to do or where to go from here🥲 Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening and I’m after solutions of how to resolve this situation together please🙏 x

He is a cock lodger.
What exactly is he adding in a positive way to yours and your baby's life?

He sees DS as your job, responsibility & hobby.

Kick him out. He's a cock lodger, then persuade a claim with CMS or whatever it's called.

You can’t resolve this together. Is there a particular reason why breaking up isn’t going to happen?

What good things does he bring to the table?

At least if you kicked him out you’d be able to claim maintenance. He’s living with you for free, doesn’t have to contribute towards bills or his actual child?? But he does 40% of the cooking. Your bar should be higher, op. You’re worth more than this.

Sorry to hear this situation, some of it does resonate with me.

Have you tried both of you listing out your current financial commitments to highlight the differences and then suggest he contributes a monthly amount regularly to the house/family rather than saying it's specifically for childcare.

I mean he lives there, uses water and electricity etc so contributing is only fair.

There are no solutions that you want to hear. He isn’t going to change, why would he? He is a cocklodger who doesn’t care if you pay for everything.

You can’t change someone else’s behaviour. If you’ve spoken to him and he isn’t willing to change then you have 2 options, 1) split up and claim child maintenance and single person discount for council tax, but you’ve discounted it or 2) accept that this is your future.

ok. Don't break up with him. Let him live with you and be a cocklodger and you be miserable whilst you break your back doing everything.

or throw him out, get a council tax reduction, reduce your bills as you won't be feeding him and paying for as much on utilities and claim child maintenance which means at least you'll get something.

If you are doing that, list what you do around the house as well.

If he doesn’t see the need to change after looking at the huge disparity then he he won’t change ever.

Why do you value your own self this poorly that breaking up with him is apparently not an option for you?. It is ok to change your mind.

Why are you with this man?

He appears to contribute 0 and acts like a stroppy teenager when you ask for help.

Why do you allow someone to treat you like this?

40% of the cooking and no doubt more than 50% of the eating.

Kick him out. Claim CMS and pay for your own counselling to determine WHY you think this is acceptable. Also read ‘Women who love too much’.

Lazy, greedy, stroppy man who cannot communicate.

To be clear, he gives you no money at all? For anything?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Did you see similar behaviour when you were growing up?.

You don't ask him for his share of finances, you tell him.if he refuses to contribute you should throw him out and then claim CSA. If you don't do this you are raising your child to think that this kind of one sided relationship, selfishness and cocklodging is normal. Have some self-respect.

Ffs stop being such a doormat.

You have 2 children, not 1, sorry.

Ask him to leave. You're in a much better position than most women saddled with dead beat Dad's, as you're not relying on him financially. You're carrying him with money that could be better spent on yourself and DS, setting a shit example for your DS and you could be claiming CMS once you separate.

You're an independent women, you can do much better.

Kindly op, is this the role model you want for your child? Your child will grow up thinking this is the standard way to treat people / be treated in a relationship. If your own self esteem is so low that you can't see that you deserve more then please think about your child x

Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything

Then you're fucked. Sorry. He does nothing, contributes nothing and doesn't care. He's happy to accept charity and you're letting him.

Unless you think we have a magic wand to entirely change his personality, there's no changing a frog into a Prince.

You kick his freeloading arse out and then put a backdated claim in for chold support through CMS.

This is so far away from what a proper relationship should look like, it's a dot in the distance! What on earth do you get out of this? This man is not your equal or your companion, and you are not a team facing the world together with your DC. It should like that. Leave now.

I wouldn't live with someone who didn't contribute. My partner earns more so he pays a bit more of the bills than me but everything else is 50/50.

There aren't any solutions...or at least, none that you can implement.
His mindset is that of a spoiled, selfish, callous man.
There's nothing you can do about that.