Baby’s Dad Doesn’t Think He’s Responsible Financially

[Anonymousmummmy]

BD and I have been together about 3 years now and we have a 1.5yr old (planned). We’ve had quite a turbulent relationship - he can be incredibly selfish sometimes (tends to go through phases). Anyway, one subject we always struggle with is financials. He had debts, spends irresponsibly, and just doesn’t care much about money. I own the house, and everything is in my name (he moved in with me), I bought absolutely everything (like he ever would🙄).

He’s never really contributed anything towards food shops, bills, our son, or anything else for that matter. He recently started a new job which I was so pleased about and hoped he’d finally start paying towards his son. The nursery fees are about £1200 per month and it’s crushing me on top of the mortgage, food, loan, car, bills and everything else. I work full time and organise and pay for everything; absolutely everything is my responsibility - if baby is sick, I have to deal with it and organise things with work, not him (even though we both work he wouldn’t ever even consider picking baby up himself and looking after him), pick up and drop off from nursery every day is all on me (he’s never done it once), food shopping and buying clothes/nappies/toys on me, washing all his clothes and bedding etc is all me. The things he does help with Is cooking - he does maybe 40% which is helpful, and he’s recently started helping keep the kitchen clean, and he will get baby ready when I ask him to (after a few asks!).

I haven’t had a penny from him in a long time so because he started this new job I asked if he could start paying half the nursery fees (nothing else) and he wouldn’t answer me so I pushed for an answer and he snapped and said ‘why do I have to say yes’ and then ended up storming out of the house so he doesn’t have to talk about it. I just don’t get it… Why can’t he have a civil conversation about this and agree a plan going forward so it’s not all on me?! How is it fair that everything’s on my shoulders and he just gets to do whatever he pleases and only be responsible for himself?

I don’t know what to do or where to go from here🥲 Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening and I’m after solutions of how to resolve this situation together please🙏 x

It isn't possible to help people who won't help themselves.
OP why are you with your boyfriend? What is he actually bringing to your life?
If you are determined to let him stay in your house, using your utilities, eating your food you are just going to have to keep raising the issue of him paying his way.
He is currently taking money away from your child because you are spending money looking after him that you should be spending on your child.

Who on earth could advise you about dealing with a moron like him?

You won't get rid of him, he's not going to change, he has a strop and walks out when you raise the subject, it's beyond advice, so time for the thread to close really.

Are you trauma bonded or something?

Tbh OP, I can't really comment without knowing why you want to be with this bloke. He's blatantly taking the piss. A classic cocklodger.

Why?

You planned to have a baby with an absolute moron and sadly you are paying the price.

The best thing you can do is break up with him, throw him out and have nothing to do with him.

But as you want to stay with him the only thing I can say is that if you think it's bad now it will only be far worse in the future and you only have yourself to blame!

So if you don’t think you should break up with him, Then how is this going to resolve itself? I don’t know what advice you’re really looking for

Together 3 years.. baby is 1.5 years... planned... so you planned a baby with someone you'd been with less than a year who was already showing signs of being crap?

You do deserve better, but I dont think that message will get through to you, so I'll say it in a way that might: your child deserves better than this tosser, and it's your job to protect them, and staying with this asshole is going to mean a lifetime of grief for you and them.

Make a pie chart, show how much you are paying and how much he is contributing now.

Then make a second one with the £600 and show him the tiny slice this will be of the overall amount.

Good luck.

So, he won’t contribute and you won’t make him (kick him out)
OP, you have a stalemate.
in reality these are your options

1. He pays an agreed amount towards the household bills/childcare
2. You kick him out and claim child support
3. You carry on as you are and grow to despise him as time goes on

it looks like he won’t agree to 1
you won’t agree to 2
looks like it’s number 3

Crack on then, and don’t be surprised if he tries to claim a portion of your assets if and when you split up

As my mum used to say, ‘there’s one born every day’

Why did you plan to have a baby with this person?
Why are your standards of parenthood so low?

This man is a bad man. He doesn't support his son or his partner financially or in any other form.
You should ask yourself why you accept this treatment, OP - you deserve so much more than this, and it's not true that a bad man is better than no man.
And as other posters have said, if you let him stay much longer you may find that he has a claim on your property - get rid of him, now!

You sound ridiculous, sorry!
You pay for and do everything like he is your minor child.
He must have a diamond encrusted golden member for you to keep putting up with this shit.

Then make a third one and batter his melt in with it.

Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening and I’m after solutions of how to resolve this situation together please
you need to stop complaining. Stop expecting him to care about you or your child. Stop expecting him to pay for anything or to act like an adult. Stop expecting him to contribute to family life. that is your only option.

if someone doesnt care how they act and wont change their behaviour, and you dont want to do anything about it either, nothing is going to change. So all you can possibly do is, well everything. But keep it to yourself. Nobody likes a martyr.

Then eat it so there is no murder weapon…

If you’re not prepared to kick him out your life will remain the same year on year. Eventually he may even try to claim a % of your property, your pension, who knows.

He is a terrible role model for your son as he grows.
He might well, after a lot of asking, telling, begging, reasoning, pay 50% of his son’s nursery fees as he realises how cushy his life is.

What is the fucking point of him?

Oh

my

god

bin him

He'll be abusive in general too, considering how op has tolerated this shit, doesn't 'want' to leave and 'planned' a baby with him less than a year into knowing him.

He's seen her coming a mile off love bombed her and now he's rinsing her for all he can whist systematically making her feel like she has no right to have a problem with it all.

It's abuse op.

Plus, stop calling him your baby daddy for God sake you’re not 14

This exactly. Why would he change - he has zero incentive to do so. Couples therapy might be a consideration but ultimately by ruling out ever leaving, you’ve essentially resigned yourself to whatever treatment he decides.

Does he have a 3 speed dick or something? I can't see the point of him, otherwise.

You made the decision to have a child with an idiot like him within a year of meeting so I’m afraid you’ll have to live with the consequences of that ridiculously naive decision and accept you’ve probably made the biggest mistake of your life.

The answer is to leave him and create a better life for your son. If you don’t want to do that you’ll likely damage both yourself and your son in the long run.

Based on what you’ve posted on here there is minimal chance the situation will ever improve. Your son deserves better.

So you're kind of saying he's only with you because you pay for everything.
OP I suggest you get some self esteem.

Essentially there are no consequences for him treating you like shit.

I mean, to be fair, there shouldn't have to be fear of consequences for him to treat you with basic human kindness.

But, if you'll never leave him and he knows that then, why would he suddenly decide to treat you better?

All love should be conditional op.
This isn't Disney. And hell, even Anna ditched the Prince guy that turned out to only be after her kingdom. Well, technically she didn't...and he tried to murder her. But there's a lesson in that too!

What does he pay for? As the baby was planned, did you discuss how you’d pay for him/her before the birth? Why does he think he doesn’t have to pay for or deal with his own child?