Baby’s Dad Doesn’t Think He’s Responsible Financially

[Anonymousmummmy]

BD and I have been together about 3 years now and we have a 1.5yr old (planned). We’ve had quite a turbulent relationship - he can be incredibly selfish sometimes (tends to go through phases). Anyway, one subject we always struggle with is financials. He had debts, spends irresponsibly, and just doesn’t care much about money. I own the house, and everything is in my name (he moved in with me), I bought absolutely everything (like he ever would🙄).

He’s never really contributed anything towards food shops, bills, our son, or anything else for that matter. He recently started a new job which I was so pleased about and hoped he’d finally start paying towards his son. The nursery fees are about £1200 per month and it’s crushing me on top of the mortgage, food, loan, car, bills and everything else. I work full time and organise and pay for everything; absolutely everything is my responsibility - if baby is sick, I have to deal with it and organise things with work, not him (even though we both work he wouldn’t ever even consider picking baby up himself and looking after him), pick up and drop off from nursery every day is all on me (he’s never done it once), food shopping and buying clothes/nappies/toys on me, washing all his clothes and bedding etc is all me. The things he does help with Is cooking - he does maybe 40% which is helpful, and he’s recently started helping keep the kitchen clean, and he will get baby ready when I ask him to (after a few asks!).

I haven’t had a penny from him in a long time so because he started this new job I asked if he could start paying half the nursery fees (nothing else) and he wouldn’t answer me so I pushed for an answer and he snapped and said ‘why do I have to say yes’ and then ended up storming out of the house so he doesn’t have to talk about it. I just don’t get it… Why can’t he have a civil conversation about this and agree a plan going forward so it’s not all on me?! How is it fair that everything’s on my shoulders and he just gets to do whatever he pleases and only be responsible for himself?

I don’t know what to do or where to go from here🥲 Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening and I’m after solutions of how to resolve this situation together please🙏 x

You can't put a backdated claim in. The entitlement to receiving maintenance starts only from the date you make your first claim, they won't backdate it.

Not that it matters, OP wants to be a martyr anyway.

Let's not take swipes at the OP.

Kick him out now. Apply for CMS tomorrow

You are worth more than this useless waste of space. Kick out the cocklodger, and start claiming child support.

Very hard not to when the obvious answer is to kick him out and she doesn't want to.

Even though he's a leech who is literally taking food out of his child's mouth.

So what answer is @Anonymousmummmy actually looking for as no-one has the magic wand she needs.

Seems like an ideal choice to have planned a baby with...

I really don't see what people can advise if binning the loser isn't an option.

You either:
Demand he pays his way and be prepared to kick him out if he won't.
Put up with being used.
Kick him out anyway because he's a selfish prick who doesn't care about you or his child.

He's disgusting but at the moment you're allowing this in your home. If you want him in your life then live separately and claim CMS.

Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening and I’m after solutions of how to resolve this situation together please

Problem is, he's got zero motivation or incentive to resolve this with you - because he has everything the way he wants it.

He's happy to watch you struggle and take all the responsibility and frankly, he doesn't give a shit.

If he was a decent man, he wouldn't dream of living like this.

Why won't you even consider breaking up with him? Is there some underlying threat that you're afraid of what he might do or something?

Why don't you want to break up with him?

He sounds like a right charmer!

You've had a baby with a cocklodger

Well if you won't break up with him, then I guess he's fucked you over, and is going to continue to do it.

Op you dont have to reply to this but be honest with yourself what solution do you think we can really come up with, a magic wand or making you realise you will get the behaviour you accept so of you don't leave nothing will change

There is nothing else

You can't resolve the situation. He's a selfish, manbaby. And you've enabled him. There's no way he's going to start paying his way now. You either kick him out or resign yourself to a life of paying for and doing everything for him. Jesus, how does he not give you the ick? You're like his mother not his partner!

What on earth?

So when it became obvious he wouldn't contribute to the household bills...you...had a kid with him?!?

How much longer are you going to be a doormat?

Will you raise your child to think this is normal?
That women exist to be used? That men have no obligations to their children?

In 20 years, is this the sort of relationship you want for them?

If not, you know what to do.

I know you don't want to hear it op but grow backbone already and turf the shiftless loser out.

Where's your self love?
Hell, basic self respect even.

Don't waste your life with a man who is using you.

I've read the whole thing. Are you feeling ok? Because your post makes you sound absolutely crackers.

Your poor child, a dad who doesn't give a shit and a mum who is that weak, she puts up with it.

Your child will grow up surrounded by this fucked up dynamic and think it's normal.

Would you expect to live somewhere free?

Breathtaking arrogance & he's stormed off so you'll back down

The good news is, if you get him out ASAP, your kid will adjust quickly to the new normal.

Why is breaking up not an option?

Seriously?

There is no solution anyone can possibly offer to you that will make him a better person.

Think of your child. Do you really want this man as his role model father for your child?

Think of yourself. He does not love you or respect you. You are his meal ticket. That's it and he thinks being your child's father gives him more rights (not less) to behave selfishly because you'll hang on in there come what may.

Kick him out and you'll be better off financially and emotionally.

He's negative equity. A thief of your money and self esteem. An emotional and financial vampire who is bleeding the life out of you.

Stay with him and he will suck you dry and when you are husk of the person you are now he'll leave you for another woman with whom he will start the whole process again. Guaranteed.

You can't fix people like this. You can't make him care about you or your child.

He is and always will be the most important person in his life, the second and third most important- frankly you and your child are not even on his list at all.

I'm dumbfounded why women stay with men like this. Do you enjoy being used?

He must have the world's biggest penis

Well if you're set on staying with this cocklodger, there's nothing really to help you. You can't resolve a situation if one person isn't interested in doing so.

Do you even like him? He sounds pretty unlikeable tbh. If you put him out you would actually have more money to take care of you and your baby because you wouldn’t be supporting an extra adult by yourself. You could probably get a cleaner in for a few hours a week to help you out with the drop in cost which would probably more than cover his minimal contribution to the home.

You can claim cms once he's out.
It's the only way you're seeing any money off him.

He’s a disgrace, a waste of space and nothing will change if nothing changes, it’s up to you to take action OP or continue in this misery

Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening

You're an absolute fool.

Must be golden too.

...it's the only gold she'll ever get from him.