Baby’s Dad Doesn’t Think He’s Responsible Financially

[Anonymousmummmy]

BD and I have been together about 3 years now and we have a 1.5yr old (planned). We’ve had quite a turbulent relationship - he can be incredibly selfish sometimes (tends to go through phases). Anyway, one subject we always struggle with is financials. He had debts, spends irresponsibly, and just doesn’t care much about money. I own the house, and everything is in my name (he moved in with me), I bought absolutely everything (like he ever would🙄).

He’s never really contributed anything towards food shops, bills, our son, or anything else for that matter. He recently started a new job which I was so pleased about and hoped he’d finally start paying towards his son. The nursery fees are about £1200 per month and it’s crushing me on top of the mortgage, food, loan, car, bills and everything else. I work full time and organise and pay for everything; absolutely everything is my responsibility - if baby is sick, I have to deal with it and organise things with work, not him (even though we both work he wouldn’t ever even consider picking baby up himself and looking after him), pick up and drop off from nursery every day is all on me (he’s never done it once), food shopping and buying clothes/nappies/toys on me, washing all his clothes and bedding etc is all me. The things he does help with Is cooking - he does maybe 40% which is helpful, and he’s recently started helping keep the kitchen clean, and he will get baby ready when I ask him to (after a few asks!).

I haven’t had a penny from him in a long time so because he started this new job I asked if he could start paying half the nursery fees (nothing else) and he wouldn’t answer me so I pushed for an answer and he snapped and said ‘why do I have to say yes’ and then ended up storming out of the house so he doesn’t have to talk about it. I just don’t get it… Why can’t he have a civil conversation about this and agree a plan going forward so it’s not all on me?! How is it fair that everything’s on my shoulders and he just gets to do whatever he pleases and only be responsible for himself?

I don’t know what to do or where to go from here🥲 Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening and I’m after solutions of how to resolve this situation together please🙏 x

You need to kick him out, claim for child maintenance and get a lodger who actually pays rent in your spare room if you have o e

You can kick him out without 'breaking up' just make it clear his options are to pay towards your household or to pay towards another one elsewhere

He won't change. Why would he? You're paying for everything and doing the vast majority of the stuff around the house.

If you're in a relationship with someone surely you want to feel loved and valued- I can't believe he makes you feel that if he happily lets you struggle financially.

By staying in this relationship you're teaching your child that this is how it should be, women working their arse off and the men doing whatever the fuck they want.

Even if your don't value yourself enough to kick him out for your own self worth you should kick him for the sake of your child.

If you stay with him then in a decade, your son will talk to you like trash too. Because he'll think you're a second class citizen just like his father does.

I did exactly this too. I am better off with the child
On my own then having him and his stuff and his moods in my space.

Wtf? I read this with complete amazement.

He's a cocklodger.

Why are you putting up with his shit?

Throw him out, go through CMS for child support.

Then you might find counselling beneficial so you can set some boundaries for future relationships.

If you won’t 🥾 him out, you’ll never know how much happier you will be
in 6 months. And the great man you’ve missed out on.

He's a misogynistic prick.

He doesn't love or respect you.

Nor your child.

You are being used.

You're move.

WOW. A father, and he doesn't want to care for him or for you. Get rid. He's made it very clear what he thinks.

I suspect OP will not be back. She does not want to hear the truth. She wants someone to offer a magic solution to make her partner a better man.
She's going to stay with him, despite his behaviour, and that, I'm afraid is on her not him.

I mean if you take the money from him out.

if you kicked him out bills would go down , food , utilities , single person council tax .

you may be eligible for Uc to help pay for childcare .

i hear you say you don’t want to split but why is my question . You do deserve more .

Yes, this! A "turbulent relationship" and she gets pregnant a year and a half in. Utter madness! The writing was always on the wall wasn't it.

The OP is being extremely foolish, and will probably be back in a couple of years with more kids in tow and making the same complaints. It's depressing really that women put up with so much shit and men expect them to!

A sperm donor would have been cheaper, @Anonymousmummmy .

He is taking resources from you and your child and contributing nothing.

All the money that he doesn't pay and that you spend on funding him - this is money you could be spending on your child or saving for their future.

Why does he deserve it rather than your child?

Why on earth did you plan a baby with this utter knobhead?

Sorry OP but you're an absolute fool to stay with this man. No-one can legitimately give you any advice other than to kick his lazy selfish arse out but as you've already said that's not happening, I'm not sure what you're looking for here? Do you want advice on how to turn a lazy selfish wanker into a decent human being? The truth is you can't 🤷‍♀️

You actually planned to have a kid with this utter wetwipe?

I don't know why you decided to start a thread when you knew you weren't going to accept the only possible answer anyone could give you.

But I'll say it anyway. Kick him out, he is a waste of oxygen. You and your child will be better off without him in every sense of the word.

What does he bring to the table? Good sex, conversation anything? Bob him off sweetie you’re worth so much more. Xx

Well, you have a job and a house, so I assume you can't be quite as stupid as you make out.

I can’t for the life of me see why breaking up isn’t on the cards- you wouldn’t have to pay for his bills and food and you could claim cms. You’d be quids in without this dead weight.

It's like he thinks you're his mum, responsible for doing everything for him. Bit of a turn off.

In the kindest way, why do you want to be with this man? He contributes nothing (apart from semen, it seems)

Look at it from his point of view

nice house - he doesn't pay for
kid - he doesn't pay for
food - he doesn't pay for
electric / gas/ council tax / broadband- he doesn't pay for
sex (I'm assuming) - he doesn't pay for

Why should he change ? What's in it for him ?

he's just got a nice job - he wants to keep all his money to spend on himself, why should he give you any ? You have no control, no hold over him. You will never be able to get him to change unless he wants to and we've just established it's not in his interests to change, as he's got it made. The man has no moral worth. There is no "together" as far as he is concerned. Please don't tell us he's "a great dad", and you have a wonderful life together, because I'm not buying it.

You can only change how you react to his behaviour, you cannot change his behaviour, only he can do that. And you're telling us your only hold over him (ie to kick him out) is not an option. Your family and friends must be tearing their hair out as they watch you disappear under the pressure, and yet refuse to take the obvious action to solve this situation.

My only suggestion, given you will not consider breaking up, is to undertake some serious counselling to get to the bottom of why you are allowing yourself to be treated this way. Then and only then will you be able to see the glaring obvious solution.

He has no respect or love for you or your child. Why on earth would you want to stay with him?

"Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening and I’m after solutions of how to resolve this situation together please"

Unfortunately, you cannot resolve this situation together, because he storms out when you attempt to ask him to pay even a small amount towards his own child.

Why is breaking up not happening?

It's ok to admit when a relationship doesn't work.

You planned a baby with him within months of meeting him and conceived when you'd only been together for around 9 months. You say your relationship has been turbulent, you may have been in the love bombing phase whilst you decided to try to conceive. This is why you should not have planned a baby with someone you've only just started seeing. I know what's done is done and baby is here, but this goes to show poor choices.

Like others have said, this manchild is a cocklodger. He has the life of Riley with you. He pays for nothing, and just cooks a bit. Does nothing else. Doesn't parent his child, doesn't do the housework, doesn't pay for the food he eats, doesn't pay for the electricity or water that he uses.

He is using you.

He has you right where he wants you, slogging your guts out, paying for everything, whilst he contributes and does nothing. When you dare to ask him for some contribution, he storms out, because he wants to keep you in line, and cannot cope with the thought that you won't stay in your lane.

This is not a good man. You'll see that MNHQ put a domestic abuse warning on your post, that's there for good reason.

This man uses his moods and his temper to control and manipulate you into continuing to slog your guts out, paying for everything while you do.

You did a good thing by keeping your house in your own name.

My advice, although you don't want to hear it, is to ask him to leave. Sure, stay together as you are against breaking up, but live apart. You should not let him continue to use you like this.

A good man would be embarrassed to not provide for his family. Some men are genuinely unable to contribute, through illness etc., and that's really hard for them to handle, but your man is just a lazy, selfish arse who doesn't give a shit about you or sadly, his own son.

Imagine begrudging paying half of your own child's childcare fees when you have no mortgage, no bills, no food to pay for? Shame on him. The man is a complete embarrassment.

He's a cocklodger, nothing more, nothing less. Get rid.