Baby’s Dad Doesn’t Think He’s Responsible Financially

[Anonymousmummmy]

BD and I have been together about 3 years now and we have a 1.5yr old (planned). We’ve had quite a turbulent relationship - he can be incredibly selfish sometimes (tends to go through phases). Anyway, one subject we always struggle with is financials. He had debts, spends irresponsibly, and just doesn’t care much about money. I own the house, and everything is in my name (he moved in with me), I bought absolutely everything (like he ever would🙄).

He’s never really contributed anything towards food shops, bills, our son, or anything else for that matter. He recently started a new job which I was so pleased about and hoped he’d finally start paying towards his son. The nursery fees are about £1200 per month and it’s crushing me on top of the mortgage, food, loan, car, bills and everything else. I work full time and organise and pay for everything; absolutely everything is my responsibility - if baby is sick, I have to deal with it and organise things with work, not him (even though we both work he wouldn’t ever even consider picking baby up himself and looking after him), pick up and drop off from nursery every day is all on me (he’s never done it once), food shopping and buying clothes/nappies/toys on me, washing all his clothes and bedding etc is all me. The things he does help with Is cooking - he does maybe 40% which is helpful, and he’s recently started helping keep the kitchen clean, and he will get baby ready when I ask him to (after a few asks!).

I haven’t had a penny from him in a long time so because he started this new job I asked if he could start paying half the nursery fees (nothing else) and he wouldn’t answer me so I pushed for an answer and he snapped and said ‘why do I have to say yes’ and then ended up storming out of the house so he doesn’t have to talk about it. I just don’t get it… Why can’t he have a civil conversation about this and agree a plan going forward so it’s not all on me?! How is it fair that everything’s on my shoulders and he just gets to do whatever he pleases and only be responsible for himself?

I don’t know what to do or where to go from here🥲 Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening and I’m after solutions of how to resolve this situation together please🙏 x

Genuinely I'm struggling to see a solution when you have a man child who can't see his own responsibilities and won't have an adult conversation?

Outside of breaking up, if he won't sit down and talk sensibly about it I'd tell him for now he needs to move out as you need to save money somewhere so his share of the bills / food will help.

If it's between him needing to pay half a nursery bill (sorry - it's vile he isn't already doing this) and having to find somewhere else to live maybe he will think twice.

I couldn't get past the disrespect of a 'man' treating the woman he apparently loves like this though, sack of 💩

Don't make the mistake of assuming that you're financially safe because the house is in your name.

The longer he is supported by you, the more likely he is to have a claim against your property if you throw him out.

If you do decide to stay with this cocklodger, at the very least get a cohabitation agreement drawn up setting out your intentions.

If you take any advice from this thread OP, read what @PinotPony has just written. You need to legally protect your assets from this 'man'. If you can't be arsed doing this for yourself, do it for your child.
Aside from that, if you don't want to break up with him unfortunately you are just going to have to suck it up. He wont change. Make your peace with it and carry on as you are.
Protect you and your child legally though at the very least. You could end up responsible for this manchild.

I mean, yes. This.

Dear god OP, I don’t know what’s happened to you in your life to make you think this is all you’re worth, but it’s utterly tragic. To plan a baby so quickly with a man that is clearly an absolute loser was a mad thing to do, but now hoping he will suddenly change personality and treat you with respect is almost even madder!
He’s not going to change, he has no reason to and nothing you can say will make that happen. If you refuse to leave him, refuse to acknowledge the god awful example he is setting for your son, then I’d suggest the only way to be happy is to throw away the last of your self respect and accept that his money, time, energy is his, and yours is to be shared. Expect nothing from him at all, accept you will fund everything. There are no magic words that will make him engage, so you accept that this is the man you picked, and for some unknown reason, continue to pick, and therefore you accept him for all he is.

I really hope you realise one day that you AND your son deserve better.

LTB

Eww he literally sees you as his mummy and not a partner.

He doesn’t like you and wouldn’t be with you if he had to act like a partner.

Why would you be with someone who doesn’t like you.

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this?

He is a cock lodger who will leave you the second he finds someone better.

Get some self respect OP.
You have a child now who is watching and learning from you.
Please don’t let them grow up thinking this is a normal way to behave/treat someone.

Why are you with this loser? You are living like a single mum. Stop allowing him to live like a single man with no financial commitments.

You've enabled him. simple as.

OP doesn't look like she's coming back.

Is this real? He contributes absolutely nothing financially at all? His entire wage is for him to keep?

OP this is simple. Make a spreadsheet of all of the household expenditure. Show it to him. Show him how much you pay and how much he pays. Ask him how much he thinks he should be contributing. Tell him how much he needs to contribute.

If he refuses you have choices

1. accept he will never contribute
2. kick his cocklodging despicable arse out and pursue child maintenance

You can’t seriously be so desperate to be in a relationship to accept this going forward?

@Anonymousmummmy was single a few weeks ago.
AIBU to move jobs for less money? | Mumsnet

If you don't want to kick him out then stop buying and cooking him food and stop washing his clothes. Do everything for you and your baby and let him do his own, You are enabling his behaviour so stop doing this and maybe he will step up!

Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening

Going to be quite a short thread, then, isn't it?

Yes I totally noticed that too. I think he was attracted to Lauren’s naughty/cheeky side……… which was why the moment he had the most chemistry and fun with Lucinda was when they went on the bullshit detectors adventure and we saw a glimpse of a naughty Lucinda.

So he is technically a sperm donor, who occasionally cooks? That's not a partner, in any sense of the word and sorry, but it is put up or shut up if you are not going to dump him. Oh, and it will probably get worse too, so be prepared.

Oh my god. Why are you putting up with this?

All his money is for him to spend as he sees fit.

All your money pays for everything for you, him and the baby.

Kick him out. You’ll be better off in every way.

I don’t know what to do or where to go from here🥲 Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening and I’m after solutions of how to resolve this situation together please🙏 x

Jesus. I didn’t even read this bit. You, and your child, are doomed.

There is no solution. Because he is a lazy, selfish, useless excuse for a partner / father.

He is happy to watch you working harder than him. He's happy to see you picking up all the parenting. He's happy to take your money and live off you. He doesn't want to pay towards his child. He doesn't want to part with his money. He wants his money for himself. He doesn't respect you enough to have an adult conversation. He doesn't respect you enough to want to pull his weight. He doesn't love you or your child enough to want to contribute. He sees the house and parenting as being your jobs. Earning money is your job. Not sure what he thinks he contributes because it is very little.

Why on earth are you so set on staying with him????

I can only assume he's the best address you've ever had and he makes you orgasm seven times a night. Otherwise, why the hell are you with someone who has no interest in being a dad or a partner, who thinks that you're there to facilitate his life? Give it a few years there will be another kid or two and you'll be complaining how trapped you are

Dump the useless lump and claim child support

😯 not sure op is coming back either?

Kick him out, claim maintenance via CMS and get them to stop it out of his wages or you won’t see it.
use some of the money on a takeaway twice a week.
job done.

I think the best solution is you having therapy to discover why you would put up with this in a relationship.

Never marry him. He will own half your house and you might up having to pay him child support when you inevitably can't take any more of this.

The writing was on the wall well before you crazily 'planned' to have a baby. It would be understandable if you had planned that he would be your spem donor as that is his level of use.
I'm guessing your planned discussion went as far as sex without protection, or maybe he lied. He's onto a great thing with you, why would he ever leave his cash cow.
Nope, no help required, he won't change, so if you don't, you are stuck with him.