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Original poster

Baby’s Dad Doesn’t Think He’s Responsible Financially

177 replies

Anonymousmummmy · 01/05/2024 20:42

BD and I have been together about 3 years now and we have a 1.5yr old (planned). We’ve had quite a turbulent relationship - he can be incredibly selfish sometimes (tends to go through phases). Anyway, one subject we always struggle with is financials. He had debts, spends irresponsibly, and just doesn’t care much about money. I own the house, and everything is in my name (he moved in with me), I bought absolutely everything (like he ever would🙄).

He’s never really contributed anything towards food shops, bills, our son, or anything else for that matter. He recently started a new job which I was so pleased about and hoped he’d finally start paying towards his son. The nursery fees are about £1200 per month and it’s crushing me on top of the mortgage, food, loan, car, bills and everything else. I work full time and organise and pay for everything; absolutely everything is my responsibility - if baby is sick, I have to deal with it and organise things with work, not him (even though we both work he wouldn’t ever even consider picking baby up himself and looking after him), pick up and drop off from nursery every day is all on me (he’s never done it once), food shopping and buying clothes/nappies/toys on me, washing all his clothes and bedding etc is all me. The things he does help with Is cooking - he does maybe 40% which is helpful, and he’s recently started helping keep the kitchen clean, and he will get baby ready when I ask him to (after a few asks!).

I haven’t had a penny from him in a long time so because he started this new job I asked if he could start paying half the nursery fees (nothing else) and he wouldn’t answer me so I pushed for an answer and he snapped and said ‘why do I have to say yes’ and then ended up storming out of the house so he doesn’t have to talk about it. I just don’t get it… Why can’t he have a civil conversation about this and agree a plan going forward so it’s not all on me?! How is it fair that everything’s on my shoulders and he just gets to do whatever he pleases and only be responsible for himself?

I don’t know what to do or where to go from here🥲 Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening and I’m after solutions of how to resolve this situation together please🙏 x

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 04/05/2024 11:37

What on earth?!?! I’m beyond fuming reading this. Why the hell is breaking up not happening because this useless piece of shit sounds bloody pathetic. Please please reconsider. Break up with this awful cocklodger. Make him pay child maintenance. Teach your child that this is NOT an acceptable way for a man to behave so he doesn’t end up being a useless sponger like his dad.

Barbarella73 · 04/05/2024 11:44

Anonymousmummmy · 01/05/2024 20:42

BD and I have been together about 3 years now and we have a 1.5yr old (planned). We’ve had quite a turbulent relationship - he can be incredibly selfish sometimes (tends to go through phases). Anyway, one subject we always struggle with is financials. He had debts, spends irresponsibly, and just doesn’t care much about money. I own the house, and everything is in my name (he moved in with me), I bought absolutely everything (like he ever would🙄).

He’s never really contributed anything towards food shops, bills, our son, or anything else for that matter. He recently started a new job which I was so pleased about and hoped he’d finally start paying towards his son. The nursery fees are about £1200 per month and it’s crushing me on top of the mortgage, food, loan, car, bills and everything else. I work full time and organise and pay for everything; absolutely everything is my responsibility - if baby is sick, I have to deal with it and organise things with work, not him (even though we both work he wouldn’t ever even consider picking baby up himself and looking after him), pick up and drop off from nursery every day is all on me (he’s never done it once), food shopping and buying clothes/nappies/toys on me, washing all his clothes and bedding etc is all me. The things he does help with Is cooking - he does maybe 40% which is helpful, and he’s recently started helping keep the kitchen clean, and he will get baby ready when I ask him to (after a few asks!).

I haven’t had a penny from him in a long time so because he started this new job I asked if he could start paying half the nursery fees (nothing else) and he wouldn’t answer me so I pushed for an answer and he snapped and said ‘why do I have to say yes’ and then ended up storming out of the house so he doesn’t have to talk about it. I just don’t get it… Why can’t he have a civil conversation about this and agree a plan going forward so it’s not all on me?! How is it fair that everything’s on my shoulders and he just gets to do whatever he pleases and only be responsible for himself?

I don’t know what to do or where to go from here🥲 Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening and I’m after solutions of how to resolve this situation together please🙏 x

You can’t resolve this together if you’re the only one trying; he won’t even discuss this with you! So it’s up to you to resolve it by yourself - and that means either you keep being a mug or you ask him to leave.

IncompleteSenten · 04/05/2024 11:47

Well if you won't split up with him then you just have to accept you are paying for everything and fully supporting him and providing everything and doing everything.
I hope the sex is worth it.

You should sit down with a pen and calculator and work out how much you are paying him every month to be your boyfriend

Lucytheloose · 04/05/2024 13:16

IncompleteSenten · 04/05/2024 11:47

Well if you won't split up with him then you just have to accept you are paying for everything and fully supporting him and providing everything and doing everything.
I hope the sex is worth it.

You should sit down with a pen and calculator and work out how much you are paying him every month to be your boyfriend

Yes. Having this man around is a very expensive addiction. Seeing the actual figures might help you in the direction of trying to break the addiction.

LivelyHare · 04/05/2024 14:37

You will never resolve this together because he doesn’t want to.

Kick him out. If nothing else, you will save money that way.

Mnk711 · 04/05/2024 20:21

Sorry bit as many other PPs have said there's no resolution to this together. Either you continue to struggle on carrying all the financial burden in this relationship or you ditch him along with all of the resentment and emotional exhaustion you've been carrying because of him. No one that truly loves you would leave you to struggle alone.

VeraForever · 04/05/2024 21:04

And you're madly in love with him because...?

Seriously, he doesn't love or respect you and his child.

Why are you even allowing him to live in your home?

IncompleteSenten · 04/05/2024 22:31

"And you're madly in love with him because...?

Seriously, he doesn't love or respect you and his child.

Why are you even allowing him to live in your home?"

🍆

PamPamPamPam · 04/05/2024 22:57

So you had a planned pregnancy with a selfish, irresponsible, thoughtless, stingy man that you had only known for approximately 9 months? And you want to know how you can magically change this man as you will not consider breaking up with him? I'd say your best bet is to remain unmarried so when you do eventually come to your senses you will be able to kick him out of your house.

fromhellsheartistabatthee · 06/05/2024 04:39

Well, he may think that, but the CSA will see it differently, once you find the resolve to kick him out and put in a claim.

Eejitmum101 · 06/05/2024 04:59

Wants advice, won’t take said advice.
I feel sorry for your child. Don’t have any more children with this man if you keep having these issues.

Ponderingwindow · 06/05/2024 05:41

From your description, he isn’t even covering his own expenses of being in your home. In addition he isn’t paying for his child.

you can continue to let him take money from you or you can grow some ovaries and stop this madness. He is taking money from your child.

Meadowfinch · 06/05/2024 06:01

You are being financially abused and are refusing to acknowledge the fact.

I'm guessing your df treated your dm equally selfishly, which is where you learned to accept such poor standards in a relationship.

Until you draw a line and kick him out/make a cms claim, nothing will change. I feel sorry for your child who will learn all the same bad things about relationships. 🙁

Ofcourseshecan · 06/05/2024 08:02

thesnailandthewhale · 01/05/2024 20:56

Kindly op, is this the role model you want for your child? Your child will grow up thinking this is the standard way to treat people / be treated in a relationship. If your own self esteem is so low that you can't see that you deserve more then please think about your child x

I agree. This man is a useless cocklodger who has been living off you for too long. He’s not going to magically change into a good partner or father. So do yourself and DC a favour and get rid of him.

It may come as a shock to him that yes, he does have a responsibility to provide for his child. So claim through CMS.

justgotosleepffs · 06/05/2024 08:06

The best way to deal with this would be to share the information with gis friends and family. His perspective i messed uo so he thinks he's his behaviour is normal. So play his game and bring it up all the time as if it is normal. e.g "sorry to decline your inviation but money is tight since DP isnt paying towards nursery fees"; "wow the gas bills keep going up don't they! Its so hard to msnage them b myself". Let him see what his friends snd family think about it

Pumpkinpie1 · 13/06/2024 09:26

OP there is no solution as long as you continue doing ostrich impersonations - putting your head in the sand and hope things will change.
You are the only solution in this farce of a relationship.
This man is ……
and you OP are enabling him.
Put your big girls pants on and face reality. This is not a proper heathy relationship and being alone with your beautiful children is much much healthier than living with a manipulative lazy financially abusive man.
I hope you see sense before your children are damaged by his behaviour

BobbyBiscuits · 13/06/2024 09:34

You're funding his entire existence and every penny of his wages is his to spend on himself. Of course he's not going to change. How could you be with someone who just sponges off you and contributes nothing? He sounds like a child.

MrsSunshine2b · 13/06/2024 12:57

You don't have a boyfriend, you have a parasite who is using you for free board, childcare and housekeeping. If you wish to continue being used in that way, I don't think anyone here can help you.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 13/06/2024 13:00

What do you get out of this relationship?

YourWildAmberSloth · 03/07/2024 23:52

Planning a baby with a man within months of starting a relationship, was your first mistake. Don't make a second mistake of stubbornly hanging on to this useless specimen. Things won't change, you and your son will be miserable - is that really the life that you planned for yourself?

Channellingsophistication · 04/07/2024 00:38

You can try talking to him to explain the financial situation if you want to but I suspect it wont make any difference.

Dont you feel used ? For the home you offer, things you pay for? Doesn’t it put you off that he doesnt respect you or want to support you and your child, or contribute to making life easier for you?

I dont see what you get out of this relationship apart from the odd cooked dinner with food you’ve paid for no doubt?

It’s a low bar you’ve set for yourself sadly. You’d be much better off without him.

Thursdaygirl · 04/07/2024 13:27

Plus, stop calling him your baby daddy for God sake you’re not 14

This! The term ‘baby daddy’ just makes me think of a very small/short father!

TemuSpecialBuy · 04/07/2024 13:33
  1. Keep shagging him and his presumably magical penis if that’s your jam.
  2. double up on contraception so you don’t have a second child with this loser.
  3. tell him he need to live elsewhere.
  4. file a claim with CMS

you will be hundreds on pounds better off per month as you won’t be subsidising him and he would have to contribute legally via cms

OtterMouse · 04/07/2024 13:46

This reply has been deleted

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Hoppinggreen · 04/07/2024 13:58

If you refuse to dump this Prince then you will just have to deal with it won't you

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