Baby’s Dad Doesn’t Think He’s Responsible Financially

[Anonymousmummmy]

BD and I have been together about 3 years now and we have a 1.5yr old (planned). We’ve had quite a turbulent relationship - he can be incredibly selfish sometimes (tends to go through phases). Anyway, one subject we always struggle with is financials. He had debts, spends irresponsibly, and just doesn’t care much about money. I own the house, and everything is in my name (he moved in with me), I bought absolutely everything (like he ever would🙄).

He’s never really contributed anything towards food shops, bills, our son, or anything else for that matter. He recently started a new job which I was so pleased about and hoped he’d finally start paying towards his son. The nursery fees are about £1200 per month and it’s crushing me on top of the mortgage, food, loan, car, bills and everything else. I work full time and organise and pay for everything; absolutely everything is my responsibility - if baby is sick, I have to deal with it and organise things with work, not him (even though we both work he wouldn’t ever even consider picking baby up himself and looking after him), pick up and drop off from nursery every day is all on me (he’s never done it once), food shopping and buying clothes/nappies/toys on me, washing all his clothes and bedding etc is all me. The things he does help with Is cooking - he does maybe 40% which is helpful, and he’s recently started helping keep the kitchen clean, and he will get baby ready when I ask him to (after a few asks!).

I haven’t had a penny from him in a long time so because he started this new job I asked if he could start paying half the nursery fees (nothing else) and he wouldn’t answer me so I pushed for an answer and he snapped and said ‘why do I have to say yes’ and then ended up storming out of the house so he doesn’t have to talk about it. I just don’t get it… Why can’t he have a civil conversation about this and agree a plan going forward so it’s not all on me?! How is it fair that everything’s on my shoulders and he just gets to do whatever he pleases and only be responsible for himself?

I don’t know what to do or where to go from here🥲 Please don’t suggest breaking up or anything; that’s not happening and I’m after solutions of how to resolve this situation together please🙏 x

A person who can behave this way is never going to change. Your choices are put up and shut up or make yourself crazy trying to get him to change or kick his free loading arse out. He doesn't want to change so he won't. It's that simple. The only way you're doing to end up happy long term is to get rid, but it seems you're not currently miserable or resentful enough yet to take that option. It will get worse, the longer this goes on the more you will resent him, the more burnt out you'll get, the more you'll seeth quitely as he goes on freeloading. I expect you'll eventually get to a place where you're done and then you'll wish you'd done it now and not wasted more of your life on this jerk.

“why doesn’t he get it?” Sorry, my first thought was “why don’t you get it?”

You can't sort it out between you, because he doesn't give a fuck about you or your kid.

Why would he? He knows he can get away with doing whatever he wants, knowing you won't do anything about it.

HTH

If you’re not going to break up with him and claim the money your child is entitled to through CMS here’s your your solution:

Suck it up, buttercup.

You’re deluded if you think he’s going to change. He has a sweet deal - a free maid, cook, cleaner, nanny, no financial responsibilities, free sex, no rent or bills. Why would he want anything to change? I’d move in with you if you were providing everything on tap for nothing. You have serious self esteem issues if you’d rather be treated like than than get rid of such a low quality man. He has you played for a sucker.

You chose to try to get pregnant with his baby within a few months of meeting him? Why???

What made you want a baby with this man???

Kick him out. He adds nothing.

We’ve had quite a turbulent relationship - he can be incredibly selfish sometimes (tends to go through phases). Anyway, one subject we always struggle with is financials. He had debts, spends irresponsibly, and just doesn’t care much about money.

So, you say you actively planned a baby with a man with whom you have a turbulent relationship, who is shit with money, and who has never contributed. Now you want advice as the historically freeloading cocklodger won’t contribute? Yet this wasn’t factored in when you actively planned for the baby? And you don’t want him to leave. How do you think anyone can help you with this as it’s all at odds.

You're in a difficult position with your freeloading partner. If you prefer to have him there draining your resources, please at least protect your assets, for the sake of your child.

These sort of threads just make me want to weep! Why do so many women set the bar so low?

"Don't suggest breaking up, it's not gonna happen."

No point offering other suggestions.

This is your life until you die.

Have fun.

Break up and pursue for child maintenance?

Why wouldn't you break up with him? He's bringing nothing to the party

If you don’t want to split up then your only option is to accept that some people are inherently selfish people who only think of themselves and can’t prioritise others, even children, and lower your standards so you have no expectations of him. You can’t expect a person like him to change, especially when you set no boundaries or put in no consequences when he behaves like an absolute bellend, so you have to do the changing. I can’t imagine that will be a positive experience for you though and I can’t imagine it will set your child a good example of what a healthy relationship or a good parent is.

So if you won't kick him out this will continue because you will be supporting 3 of you forever. Your DC will go without because there is only you funding everything.

If your DP lived alone he'd have to pay rent, utilities and groceries so how does he get away with not paying now? There is nothing less attractive than this lack of pride.

I'd rather be on my own forever.

You don’t have a partner, you have 2 children.

Threads like these are just awful (edit - I mean heartbreaking). Idk if you’ll be back op but you deserve so much better. If you can’t break up for you, do it for your child.

I’m confused, @Anonymousmummmy.

In late March you wrote that your baby’s father is not in the picture in any way, including physically. You said you have contacted CMS 3 times since the birth, but they cannot find him despite your providing his address and other necessary information. You have substantial outgoings but can just stay afloat, which means you have no funds to spend on non-essentials such as clothes, shopping or going out.

You reported being on your knees with exhaustion from your huge responsibilities, including traveling 4 hours each way on the 1 day a week you work in the office. On that day you drop off your toddler 1.5 hours away at your mother’s, but she is urging you to make other arrangements as she no longer wants to keep him. You desperately need a few hours break during the weekends to decompress, but no one is available to help.

However
In this thread you are saying that your son’s father is indeed in the picture, and has been your Partner for 3 years. He lives with you and you have assumed responsibility for supporting him. He clearly views you as his personal cash cow, as he contributes zero to you and his child, but for some cooking.

You have chosen to allow this travesty. He couldn’t care less about the great stress you are under, and balks/flounces at any suggestion that he step up to parent or contribute financially to his son’s well-being. Pushing back in anger must be his method of controlling you.

My heart goes out to your little boy for having such a pathetic loser and role model for a dad … a man who devalues him every day and never puts him first. @Anonymousmummmy, it’s a tragedy that you are accepting his scraps and are tolerating his financial and emotional abuse.

Assert your agency and kick him off the gravy train.

I came on to echo the previous posters, but I understand that if you are still reading replies, you don’t want to hear it.

You do need to try to have an adult conversation with him. As pp suggested, go through the finances. Even if he , weirdly, does not think you son is his responsibility, he surely understands that he has to pay his way?

If you genuinely have every intention of keeping yourself and DS in this situation, my only advice is to get sterilised. Because a boy growing up in this environment will sadly likely grow up to be like his Dad, but a girl growing up in this environment is likely to continue the cycle of abuse in adult life, meeting someone like your partner or worse. Noone should be brought into the world for that purpose.

For the sake of your DC, do the freedom programme.

Why would he pay anything when he has such a sweet deal? He has zero financial obligation and zero responsibility.

The real question is why you want to stay with such a ‘winner’? If he was contributing to anything, cooking, cleaning, drop offs, etc. then there would be a place to start, to discuss split of domestic and financial responsibilities but he does nothing and contributes nothing.

He is using you and you are letting him.

You saying to us "please don't suggest breaking up with him" is the equivalent of him snapping "why do I have to say yes?" to you and storming out so that you can't discuss things like grown adults. He snapped and left because there is NO justifiable reason why he shouldn't contribute, and in the same vein there is nothing we can say that will make him become a good partner who wants to look after his child and contribute fairly to the household. His is fundamentally selfish and disrespectful of you and his son and nothing we can say will change that. Your choices are to maintain the status quo or to dump him to improve your financial situation.

There are no solutions op. If you are not willing to raise the bar, and do better for your child. You are just raising the next cocklodger generation..

This is so weird. Why would you want to stay with him? Honestly I think your husband is the lowest of the low. He should want to provide for his family not be annoyed at you as you asked. I would 100 percent leave.

What lowlife. If you want to stay with him then you've got much more of this to come.
Kick him out and let him see how much more money he'd have to spend in rent and bills.

There's nothing you can you.
He doesn't care.
He's sponging off you and your baby.
He's not even parenting his own child.
You're approaching but out keeping afloat, but,
you wont kick him out.

Just carry on as you are then.

I'd suggest not marrying him though as your assets will become shared assets.

What is he spending his money on?

I would suggest making a list of all your expenses, deduct these from your salary to show what you are left with each month. Share this with him and ask if it looks fair to him.

Then check what benefits and CM you’d be entitled to and how much money you’d save without him in your house.