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Original poster

Fiance didn’t buy my son a gift for his 18th birthday am I overreacting.

173 replies

St4ph · 01/05/2024 08:47

So myself and my fiancé have been together 5 years, due to marry in Aug. I have a DD, DS and he has three children.

I ALWAYS spoil his children, (20, 16, 9) make sure there are balloons, favourite meals, nice thoughtful gifts for birthdays/Xmas etc.

Well today is my sons 18th birthday. NOT. EVEN. A. CARD. I included him in my card but usually our children exchange cards. He hasn’t even done that. He didn’t give my daughter anything for hers last year and thought it was an oversight but thinking back, perhaps he stopped bothering the Xmas before.

He is financially comfortable. So it’s not that. I just feel hurt that I spend my money and time making his children feel special for their birthday and for mine there is nothing. My son may or may not be bothered but I’m fuming. Makes me want to draw the line on buying his children gifts for Xmas and bdays. (I know it’s not their fault!) But why should I?

Do you think I’m being unreasonable. It’s a special birthday and even the neighbours have sent card and small token gifts. We are going for a meal tonight but he isn’t coming and is going to his training eve (fire service) which he could opt out of just for tonight, it doesn’t seem to occur to him.

Just needed to vent!

OP posts:
Swearwolf · 01/05/2024 08:50

Have you actually spoken about expectations? It might be that he assumes all gifts are from both of you. Not that that excuses putting zero thought or effort into them, but he might have no idea you aren't just taking on that task for the both of you.

BodenCardiganNot · 01/05/2024 08:52

It shows where your children are in his priorities. Down low.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/05/2024 08:55

That’s lazy and really tight. Certainly wouldn’t buy his dc anything next b day - and certainly wouldn’t acknowledge his either.

Northernparent68 · 01/05/2024 08:56

Unless your son is upset why are you fuming ? This is very much your projection-you may do a lot for his children birthday but do they want you to do this

SevenSeasOfRhye · 01/05/2024 08:58

How does he get on with your son generally?

Starzinsky · 01/05/2024 09:00

If you are together I am not sure why you need separate cards. My husband has no idea what the kids are getting for there birthdays. 😂

Stainglasses · 01/05/2024 09:00

Some people just don’t do presents. My DH doesn’t and I accept that. I’m not particularly into them either.

He is unlikely to change just because you want him to.

How interested is he in your children? I think that is what I would interrogate properly now before you marry him. It really matters! Even if the children are grown up.

Blushingm · 01/05/2024 09:02

Unless he's a presents and cards type person then I wouldn't be too annoyed......

HeddaGarbled · 01/05/2024 09:03

I’d have thought by the time you’d been together for 5 years, you’d regard yourselves as a couple for gift-giving purposes. I definitely think you should leave the presents for his children to him.

Spacerader · 01/05/2024 09:04

Do you live together? Because when me and my husband moved in togther separate cards and gifts from us stopped. I bought for my children, he got his and they were off both of us.

Maybe he assumes this?

Maybe you need to have a conversation about expectations going forward. Especially when married it seems silly to still be buying separate gifts.

PurpleCacao · 01/05/2024 09:07

Couples give joint presents. He hasn’t done anything wrong.

The problem is that you go overboard with his children. You should just sign the card he gets, and his gifts are from you too.

HoppingPavlova · 01/05/2024 09:15

Meh. We didn’t even get our own kids anything for birthdays by that age so wouldn’t be getting anyone else something. Cakes had also gone as when everyone was old enough we swapped to a ‘organise your own cake and get exactly what you want’ system. That was fine when younger, they would happily organise their cake (order online putting it on our credit card) and we’d pick it up but once they were old enough to drive and pick it up themselves no one bothered, seemingly too much hassle and they would rather go without🤣.

ExpectoPatronums · 01/05/2024 09:17

If you're an engaged couple I would expect that you do joint gifts from the both of you? It seems odd to expect to buy separate ones, sounds like you need a chat about how you're doing things moving forward.

Moredrama · 01/05/2024 09:21

OP, speaking from experience, this could
lead to bigger problems.
My DH and I used to buy each others DC gifts before we got married. He started to drop off and so I stopped buying for his DC and we just did as joint gifts.
However, on the run up to my DC turning 18, by which point we were married, I said I’d like to do something special and asked about a bit of help with this, to be told he couldn’t afford it. I worked overtime to get the extra money. I later found out he had bought his own DC lots of treats in that time, even though they had birthday & Christmas in between so had already gotten plenty.
As you say, my DC may not have noticed the change over the years or even be bothered, but it bothers me as their parent.

What you need to ask yourself really is how you envisage your future together. If it’s all of you being a family unit and everyone treated as equals, then this relationship may not be right for you.
I’ve had no end of issues with my DH about the DC not being treated fairly. I don’t expect him to bankroll my DC but it’s not right to get married and be a family where some children get everything and others are overlooked so you’re trying to keep up to match it for yours. And it will continue into adulthood, for example contributing to cars, weddings, etc.

In my situation it spread in to other areas. So he couldn’t afford x,y,z (things that should be a priority, to do with the home for example) but always had money to treat his DC.

If you’re happy to keep things separate, your DC are your responsibility and his are his responsibility, then it could work. But if you want something more blended and for the DC to be treated the same, you could be in for a long, stressful and upsetting journey.

Maybethisyearornext · 01/05/2024 09:25

I dont think you can just opt out of a training evening because your girlfriend's son has a meal planned

Maybethisyearornext · 01/05/2024 09:26

are you sure his children want you to fuss about their birthdays, my step mum used to do this, and we really didn't want it, just used to go along with it with fixed grins to avoid offending her

Lurkingandlearning · 01/05/2024 09:26

perhaps he stopped bothering the Xmas before.

That’s the thing that stands out to me. Something changed almost 18 months ago for him to be showing less care/ interest in your children. He’d have to be pretty stupid to not know it would cause hurt feelings. Maybe your children aren’t bothered although they must have noticed, but you were bound to be at least concerned about this change.

Unless there’s been major conflict between him and your children, I suspect it comes from a change in his feelings for you. I don’t say that to be unkind, it just seems that distancing from your children inevitably means distancing from you.

DappledThings · 01/05/2024 09:26

It would be weird for him to get a separate card or present from himself and it's weird for you to get separate ones for his children from yourself.

Toastiecroissant · 01/05/2024 09:27

He didn’t get your daughter a gift for hers
and he opted to not join you on the bday meal
he keeps showing you his priorities. You can respond by moving him (or rather his children) down your list but I’m not sure how that helps anyone. Unless you’re happy for your families to be a little more separate
can you not talk to him? Or maybe you’re just not compatible.

in fairness I’d assume if my fiancé was sorting a gift that it was a combined gift from the two of us, since we’re partners. For example I don’t get MIL a card or gift because DH does it from both of us. I think given it sounds like you do a lot for his children he should’ve figured out this wasn’t the case though. Does he do much for his own children? Maybe he doesn’t care about birthdays?

Moredrama · 01/05/2024 09:27

Maybethisyearornext · 01/05/2024 09:25

I dont think you can just opt out of a training evening because your girlfriend's son has a meal planned

I think the point has been missed. If it was his DC 18th birthday would he not opt out of the training to attend the celebrations? They are soon to be married and are supposed to be a family

Meadowfinch · 01/05/2024 09:30

Did he know it was your son's birthday?

I had this with an ex. He flew into an absolute rage because I didn't buy his dd a 17th birthday present - which I would have done but no-one had mentioned it was her birthday. I had no idea.

I resented the implication that I was mean - I'm not, I'd always bought her xmas presents - and then he insisted I was lying, presumably to cover the fact that he hadn't told me, which caused even more of a rift. It all got completely out of hand. 🙄

So are you sure he knew what day it was?

Maybethisyearornext · 01/05/2024 09:32

Moredrama · 01/05/2024 09:27

I think the point has been missed. If it was his DC 18th birthday would he not opt out of the training to attend the celebrations? They are soon to be married and are supposed to be a family

Show quote history

you cant just opt out of training for a birthday meal! You arrange birthday meals around training

Moredrama · 01/05/2024 09:43

Maybethisyearornext · 01/05/2024 09:32

you cant just opt out of training for a birthday meal! You arrange birthday meals around training

Show quote history

OP said he was able to opt out.
It would be different if he didn’t have a choice or was going to miss something crucial, then yes it’s either they change the date of the celebrations or accept he can’t make it. But I’d still question if he would have attended if it was his own DC 18th birthday

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 01/05/2024 09:45

Hear him op. He is telling you your dc don't matter. Don't marry him. Your relationship with your dc won't survive it... Back away from spending on his dc m.. See if he even notices..

VanCleefArpels · 01/05/2024 09:49

My DH never involved with buying cards/ presents for his own kids! It’s a joint enterprise exercised by one party….You sound like you go a bit overboard on birthdays which is fine but it’s not how everyone deals with it especially for older kids. I wonder why you arranged the special dinner on a night your partner wasn’t available. I think an 18yo would understand not having the meal on their actual birthday in the circs.