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Original poster

Fiance didn’t buy my son a gift for his 18th birthday am I overreacting.

173 replies

St4ph · 01/05/2024 08:47

So myself and my fiancé have been together 5 years, due to marry in Aug. I have a DD, DS and he has three children.

I ALWAYS spoil his children, (20, 16, 9) make sure there are balloons, favourite meals, nice thoughtful gifts for birthdays/Xmas etc.

Well today is my sons 18th birthday. NOT. EVEN. A. CARD. I included him in my card but usually our children exchange cards. He hasn’t even done that. He didn’t give my daughter anything for hers last year and thought it was an oversight but thinking back, perhaps he stopped bothering the Xmas before.

He is financially comfortable. So it’s not that. I just feel hurt that I spend my money and time making his children feel special for their birthday and for mine there is nothing. My son may or may not be bothered but I’m fuming. Makes me want to draw the line on buying his children gifts for Xmas and bdays. (I know it’s not their fault!) But why should I?

Do you think I’m being unreasonable. It’s a special birthday and even the neighbours have sent card and small token gifts. We are going for a meal tonight but he isn’t coming and is going to his training eve (fire service) which he could opt out of just for tonight, it doesn’t seem to occur to him.

Just needed to vent!

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 06/05/2024 06:09

I do think, given two of his kids were working and he had a training course (optional or not) - I would have picked a different day to have the dinner when all could make it.

ScreamingBeans · 06/05/2024 09:11

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 18:46

what is wrong with some people... my husband and i both have children to separate partners. all those femenists out there must be having such a field day and will be down on me like a tonne of bricks but i really dont care..

i am a firm believer in mens roles and womens roles in the relationship.. i take care of the birthdays, buying the card the present, the ballons or whatever it is, my husband gives me the money.

it doesnt mean he doesnt love his children, it doesnt mean he doesnt love my children.. its just how it is, christmas, birthdays, weddings, babies..

i have a conversation with hubby... its so and so's birthday, what are we doing? and we agree and then i carry out that action..

who did what prior too the big birthday?

I feel so sorry for all the men out there who have the thankless task of being married to some of the posters here on Mumsnet. men simply cannot be men.. we are no longer allowed mans roles and womens roles..

if this birthday was so important to you, why did you not have a conversation with your other half? make it clear you expected them to go all out!

yet here we are.. all men are pigs blah blah blah

Can you point me to the posts where people are saying that all men are pigs, I can't find them. TIA.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/05/2024 11:24

I've read all of your posts, OP. I wouldn't like this either. Do you really want to marry him? I think this 'thing', having been so crass is always going to needle you.

What will be the next thing that he gets to decide for you 'as a couple'?

It's obviously bothering you so I'm validating you, you're not wrong to feel the way you do. He doesn't sound as if he has any emotional smarts going on. I'm not sure that I'd want to have to keep pushing for every damn thing that I wanted; too much hard work and heartbreak.

Ohhoho · 06/05/2024 11:50

I’m afraid it’s really sexist. Many men believe all that is women’s stuff. Talk about it to them all. Wives are often seen as house secretaries but there are personal boundaries which can be hurtful if ignored. It’s laziness and thoughtlessness and people will get away with what they can. So dont let him. Call it out for what it is

Ilovecleaning · 06/05/2024 15:10

Sounds a bit tight tbh.

Thexwife · 06/05/2024 15:10

have you communicated this to him? I’m guessing he’s assumed you do the presents and cards now and he’s leaving you to it. The money you spend does it come from your personal account or a joint account. If you spend a lot from your personal account on his kids but you split the household bills equally and only you buy for your kids then that’s unfair. Probably it was up to you to bring it up though and have a discussion. Some ppl
enjoy the organisation of a birthday card/presents/party and others don’t. But you need to have a calm adult discussion. This seems like a communication problem. As others have said by now I’d have thought presents come off both of you as you are an established couple

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/05/2024 18:03

St4ph · 01/05/2024 14:03

Yes he likes a fuss on his birthday, he spoils me for mine he ticks boxes for his own kids but feel he’s totally tapped out for my 2.

Show quote history

So he likes a fuss on his birthday.
Ticks boxes for his own kids,
And does nothing for your kids.

That seems very very unequal to me. He clearly knows that birthdays are somethign to be celebrated but doesn't see the need to take any notice of your children.

Sort of seems like he's the most important person. You are important as His partner. He's kids get token and your kids are not important at all.

I wouldn't be happy with that and I'd want to know from him if he recognises it and if so how he justifies it. Because its an indication of lack of consideration, to you and your children which might come out in other issues. You obviously want your children to be an important part of your life (Christmas and birthdays are an important way of demonstrating that and almost celebrating your connection to people) but you need to find out how he thinks about that and whether its just sheer thoughtlessness ( which is a problem characteristic in itself) or whether he doesn't think they merit it as they are adults (technically)

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/05/2024 18:13

Just read that your children live with you.
These are members of his household!
I can see why you are pissed off. I'd be really fed up too. They are still DC and still young enough to look forward to birthdays and having a bit of attention from those around them. Their soon to be stepfather shouldn't be displaying zero Fs given.

The problem is that this could potentially indicate

  1. Lazyness - can't be bothered as it's your job
  2. tightness - doesn't want to expend the cash and leaves it up to you
  3. complete indifference - they don't matter, even though he knows it matters to you.

I really feel that sometimes deliberately sitting back and not doing something is conveying a message both to you and your DC

But it could be that its not deliberate, that he is just forgetful, or just messed up this one time and a good conversation could sort it out. If you made it really clear how you feel about this and ask him why he did it and what he intends to do going forward, the situation might not be such a big deal.
Only when you've had that will you know how seriously to take this.

Libra24 · 06/05/2024 20:30

I think a lot of people are missing the point here. If OP is a present and gift type person, if OP makes effort to celebrate her partners kids, then it matters to OP.
So actually it shows a difference in values.
OP it's wild you haven't discussed expectations in the run up to the birthday. But if you had a reasonable expectation that he would make an effort and he hasn't then I think it's time for a chat.
I can't imagine a close friend, never mind a partner, not at least saying to me oh what is ds having for his 18th? Like you say, even neighbours tend to mark the occasion with a card if they are friendly with you. If he hasn't even asked what are we getting him, or offered to chip in, then I would say you don't share values and it needs to be aired out. He may have made assumptions or dropped the ball. He might be a stingy git. Either way, talk to him and see what the way forward is. I genuinely believe if he has made effort before and has stopped then he's probably just going to get worse in this kind of reciprocal situation and you'll end up feeling mugged off.
The fact he didn't even chat to you about what the gift giving situation was... I know people are saying he assumed a joint gift but why would he risk being left embarrassed on the day without checking? Plus if you still buy separate gifts for his kids he's no reason to assume that.
Feel like people are accepting men "don't do gifts" and just expecting you to lower your bar.
But I dont think you should, you should however, speak to him about it.

tuvamoodyson · 06/05/2024 20:48

PuddlesPityParty · 01/05/2024 19:39

Nah I don’t get this. You’re just being odd OP. Presents like that should be joint, and yes his kids should’ve been invited if you’re making such a big deal out of this. Follow your son’s lead perhaps and grow up.

2 are working and 1 isn’t allowed to have extra days (mum’s say so) so they’re not available…

NoThanksymm · 07/05/2024 02:31

Not unreasonable. If it’s important to you it should be important to him. Worth a conversation and an examination of the relationship. And a double check if you wanna (or should) get married

HelenTherese · 07/05/2024 08:49

What does he do for his own children? Some people just aren’t birthday people. Which is fine.

SheilaFentiman · 07/05/2024 09:01

HelenTherese · 07/05/2024 08:49

What does he do for his own children? Some people just aren’t birthday people. Which is fine.

OP answered this 6 days ago

Yes he likes a fuss on his birthday, he spoils me for mine he ticks boxes for his own kids but feel he’s totally tapped out for my 2.

WalkingaroundJardine · 07/05/2024 09:31

You aren’t being unreasonable. It was your son’s 18th and you’ve been together years. Importantly, YOU are a birthday person and it would have been a nice thing to do for your sake.

Goodtogossip · 07/05/2024 14:24

Just ask him to tip up his half the cost of your Sons present & see what his reaction is. If he asks why he has to contribute explain that you're entering a partnership when you marry so things will be different & while you're happy to buy presents, arrange meals etc for yours & his kids you feel it only fare he puts his hand in his pocket & help with costs.

ChicDreamer · 11/05/2024 23:38

64zooooooolane · 01/05/2024 17:11

What kind of a pointless question is 'do his kids even want you to do anything'. It's a nice thing op does and most children like to be spoilt on their bdays. Is she meant to say to the kids " kids do you want me to spoil you on your bday or shall i do absolutely nothing for you like your dad does for my kids".
And I don't care if her son is upset or not as his mother she's upset on his behalf.

Edited
Show quote history

This ^^

ChicDreamer · 11/05/2024 23:55

LLMn · 04/05/2024 18:34

This is awful. Advice of the kind 'you need to talk' is useless. If you have to say something, there is really nothing to say. If you have to explain one has to be decent and reciprocating, there is nothing to explain. It hurts like fire. Don't get me wrong - sometimes with your own flesh and blood, it hurts like fire, but this must be especially hard for blended families.

I have to agree with this 100%

notofthisWorld11 · 12/05/2024 00:10

St4ph · 01/05/2024 08:47

So myself and my fiancé have been together 5 years, due to marry in Aug. I have a DD, DS and he has three children.

I ALWAYS spoil his children, (20, 16, 9) make sure there are balloons, favourite meals, nice thoughtful gifts for birthdays/Xmas etc.

Well today is my sons 18th birthday. NOT. EVEN. A. CARD. I included him in my card but usually our children exchange cards. He hasn’t even done that. He didn’t give my daughter anything for hers last year and thought it was an oversight but thinking back, perhaps he stopped bothering the Xmas before.

He is financially comfortable. So it’s not that. I just feel hurt that I spend my money and time making his children feel special for their birthday and for mine there is nothing. My son may or may not be bothered but I’m fuming. Makes me want to draw the line on buying his children gifts for Xmas and bdays. (I know it’s not their fault!) But why should I?

Do you think I’m being unreasonable. It’s a special birthday and even the neighbours have sent card and small token gifts. We are going for a meal tonight but he isn’t coming and is going to his training eve (fire service) which he could opt out of just for tonight, it doesn’t seem to occur to him.

Just needed to vent!

It’s a tough one. It is your decision to “spoil his children” with presents, meals etc. If you didn’t, would they mind? You say your DS wouldn’t mind that your fiancee doesn’t get him anything, so all good right? Think the problem comes when someone does something and expects the same thing back. It’s a recipe for disappointment. People can have very different ideas about giving presents and presents themselves can be divisive. I would say you do you and let you OH do him in his own way. He’s not you.

notofthisWorld11 · 12/05/2024 00:14

Northernparent68 · 01/05/2024 08:56

Unless your son is upset why are you fuming ? This is very much your projection-you may do a lot for his children birthday but do they want you to do this

This. Think that the OP has a halo that needs adjusting a smidgen.

notofthisWorld11 · 12/05/2024 00:37

Rocknrollstar · 02/05/2024 17:34

My DH is never involved in buying cards or presents for our children or grandchildren. Once we married, I took over buying cards and presents for his parents too.

Why???

notofthisWorld11 · 12/05/2024 00:41

Mummyto2boyz · 04/05/2024 09:46

My ex never bought a single thing for his own children. Or his nephew. I still buy his nephew something or give money in a card even though we are split up because I know he wont bother. Most men are just useless at that kind of thing unfortunately. Surely the gifts you give can be from you both though. You're soon to be married so is that not the norm?

Oh dear, the “men are just useless” line again. Funny how useless they can be, the more they are told they are useless. Does the nephew of your separated partner want these presents?

LoyalMember · 15/07/2024 11:51

Your children's Birthdays are a good indicator of what he thinks of them which is, apparently, very little. I wouldn't be marrying a person like that.

Aimtodobetter · 05/11/2024 10:17

St4ph · 01/05/2024 15:58

I think I’m offended on behalf of my ds. DS appears unaware and unbothered. It’s a principle thing for me. Make a damn effort for my kids. They are my world and deserve to be celebrated! He loves his own birthday fuss! To the person that asked if I work or do training, yes I’m a full time RMN and running parallel I am completing a social work degree. I get priorities, training tonight on my ds 18th birthday is absolutely optional! We don’t share bank accounts etc. he simply cannot be bothered and is waiting for another birthday to pass to tick a box. My children live with us.

I completely get that as a mother you are super protective of your kids and want them to be treated in a special way. It sounds generally like this isn’t something your fiancé really understands - and so I would have a conversation with him to in a broader context understand how he sees his role in their lives, not just for their birthdays, and then decide if you can live with that as part of your relationship or not. However, don’t marry him thinking you can hold him to your expectations there - and don’t make it tit for tat with his kids - just try and openly talk about how he really feels it should work so you know the “deal” you are making when you marry him.

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