Fiance didn’t buy my son a gift for his 18th birthday am I overreacting.

[St4ph]

So myself and my fiancé have been together 5 years, due to marry in Aug. I have a DD, DS and he has three children.

I ALWAYS spoil his children, (20, 16, 9) make sure there are balloons, favourite meals, nice thoughtful gifts for birthdays/Xmas etc.

Well today is my sons 18th birthday. NOT. EVEN. A. CARD. I included him in my card but usually our children exchange cards. He hasn’t even done that. He didn’t give my daughter anything for hers last year and thought it was an oversight but thinking back, perhaps he stopped bothering the Xmas before.

He is financially comfortable. So it’s not that. I just feel hurt that I spend my money and time making his children feel special for their birthday and for mine there is nothing. My son may or may not be bothered but I’m fuming. Makes me want to draw the line on buying his children gifts for Xmas and bdays. (I know it’s not their fault!) But why should I?

Do you think I’m being unreasonable. It’s a special birthday and even the neighbours have sent card and small token gifts. We are going for a meal tonight but he isn’t coming and is going to his training eve (fire service) which he could opt out of just for tonight, it doesn’t seem to occur to him.

Just needed to vent!

Yep I think that’s what I’ll have to do going forward. It’s never about the monetary value of gifts, it’s about making birthday memories for me. And he’s really opted out this time.

Yeh fine.

Yes he likes a fuss on his birthday, he spoils me for mine he ticks boxes for his own kids but feel he’s totally tapped out for my 2.

Generally disinterested IMO but he’d probably Say otherwise. I think I’m so sensitive of their feelings even if they aren’t bothered I feel it on their behalf 🤣

How are you in love with someone who doesn't have really strong positive feelings about your child, though?

My ex (their dad) wouldn’t have a clue over the 16 years we were together what was wrapped up until they opened them 🤣 that’s the way it was. With my partner her would always buy them something small to add to my bits “from his kids” but hasn’t arranged even a card from them this year. And it’s a special birthday IMO of course. X

He cares for them, is kind to them but has opted out on this one and that’s why it’s annoyed me. Because it’ll be noticed that he has shown zero interest in my son’s birthday. He’s a good man, I do love him. He’s always been thoughtful and nice but times like this I feel like I’ve been duped. x

I'd be bloody furious. I'd tell him I'd stop bothering to make his DC birthdays special. See how he feels about that.

He'd probably think that was entirely normal. He joins his name to OP's gifts for her DC and she does the sake for his. Perfectly reasonable.

But OP has clearly stayed she makes a fuss of his kids with gifts and balloons. He just can't be bothered to do the same for her son's 18th.

And there's no reason he needs to. OP is choosing to go OTT, doesn't mean he has to match it.

Men (lots, not all) are just not that interested in birthdays/ Christmas. My OH would turn up at his parents on Xmas day empty handed if left to his own devices. His mum does all the Xmas shopping/ birthday gifts in his family, even her own! They just see it as women's work I'm afraid!!

Use your words @St4ph . Discuss it with him. Ask him to do better. Don’t stew for another entire year.

Yabu to expect him to buy gifts when he stopped months ago. It’s interesting that you can’t remember when he stopped either.

On the other hand, yanbu to expect him to put effort in even if it’s just to pay you back for you spoiling his kids on their birthday. I could not marry someone who would pick an optional training session over a birthday meal. I think that you need a chat about his attitudes towards your kids because I see some potential red flags there.

Hang on - you're cross with him because he hasn't bought something for your ds on behalf of his children? Yabu, they should sort that themselves.

See to me this is where the logic ends.

Some posters have said OP and her partner have been in a relationship so long and clearly serious that obviously her dp assumes all cards and presents are off both of them, in the same way as (for most families) if parents are still together they don't give their kids individual presents from mum and dad separately. OK.

Then other posters have gone the other way and said of course the dp can't possibly be expected to miss training for just his girlfriend's son's birthday.

But now you're suggesting apparently both things can be true which isn't fair.
Either the dp is so close to the ds he is a joint parental figure to the extent he wouldn't even think not be included in a joint present -but in that case he absolutely wouldn't miss his 18th birthday either.
Or they are barely acquaintances only tangentially linked because of op -in which case its fine to not go to the meal but at the same time he'd expect some sort of separate card or acknowledgement.

He doesn't get to pick and choose the best of both worlds.

So yeah op I'd be pissed off and I also would stop buying his kids anything as of now!

You stopped buying your kids presents and made them buy their own cake before they were even 18?

That is "meh"!

I think I’m offended on behalf of my ds. DS appears unaware and unbothered. It’s a principle thing for me. Make a damn effort for my kids. They are my world and deserve to be celebrated! He loves his own birthday fuss! To the person that asked if I work or do training, yes I’m a full time RMN and running parallel I am completing a social work degree. I get priorities, training tonight on my ds 18th birthday is absolutely optional! We don’t share bank accounts etc. he simply cannot be bothered and is waiting for another birthday to pass to tick a box. My children live with us.

So then what are you going to say to him?

@1offnamechange You stopped buying your kids presents and made them buy their own cake before they were even 18

To be clear, when I say ‘buy their own cake’ they didn’t pay for it! They got to order luxe cakes that were not cheap, but yes, they went on the site, chose what they wanted, added to the basket and used our card. Better that way as everyone gets EXACTLY what they want instead of someone else choosing something for them. This was once they started high school not when they were 5yo ffs🤣.

Yes, also didn’t get them a present. They all got whatever they needed at the time, so a birthday gift was not required, it just would have been for the sake of it, not because anything was ‘needed’. For example kids computer/laptop/gaming thing or whatever breaks or becomes outdated and couldn’t run new software/games anymore, we didn’t wait until a birthday to get a replacement, we just got it at the time. So everyone always had anything/everything they needed😊.

Same for Xmas, once they reached older teens presents stopped. We get each other stuff during the year, we don’t need hallmark holidays to do so. If I’m out shopping and see something I know ‘x’ would like, I just get it and go home and give it to them. I don’t squirrel it away for Xmas as some big reveal. Same, kids get myself, DH and siblings things here and there if they ever see something they think that person would like. Latest gift, DH gave me a new pair of headphones as he noticed mine were old and scruffy. No point in stashing them away for months and bringing them out at my birthday or Xmas, we see this as odd!

see, this is why I never get involved in these complicated, reciprocal-to-your-children gift giving arrangements in the first place, because it creates a completely unsustainable expectation. You are best off saying "I'm not a birthday person" from the start.

This is why I feel like I will never venture into another relationship after my recent divorce. I have three kids and they are and have always been my everything. I know for sure that this would be a problem for most men as it was for their own father and I cannot have it. I hear you say he is loving and caring but to be honest, this is not loving and caring, its exactly the opposite. I would say that YANBU at all. I am totally on your side, this is how I feel and think and would expect the same from my partner. It is obvious, by so many posts here, that a lot of people do not care so much about birthdays and would not be bothered by this, but you ARE. That is what is important. Now think of the many years to come where you will have to go through this again and again and so many other things that he would have stop doing once you are married, like a lot of people men often do...

Not even a card is nasty.

I’ve already said it. I’ve explained it’s hurt my feelings, DS is oblivious. He needs to make more effort or we are wasting our time preparing for this wedding. My kids should be treated as equals to his or there will always be a division that I am buffering! He is a birthday person, I don’t personally care to celebrate mine but I sure as hell love making others feel special on their days! He basically said that he’s not bothered because I haven’t invited his kids out for the meal which is just an excuse I guess (two are working and the others mum doesn’t allow “extra days”. Almost like a punishment in my eyes. 👋🏻

thanks, he would have known this would absolutely bother me, he just couldn’t be bothered. He will likely say “oh, I know I’m useless at everything” For a man that is so kind to me and to others he seems to tap out when it comes to my kids and somewhat his own (Partly due in to their mother making life awkward!) He knows how much my kids happiness means. IMO he should be helping make them happy and showing them that they are loved. Maybe I’m just being pathetic but it’s pissed me off today! (I’m also emotional having an adult child! 🤣)