Fiance didn’t buy my son a gift for his 18th birthday am I overreacting.

[St4ph]

So myself and my fiancé have been together 5 years, due to marry in Aug. I have a DD, DS and he has three children.

I ALWAYS spoil his children, (20, 16, 9) make sure there are balloons, favourite meals, nice thoughtful gifts for birthdays/Xmas etc.

Well today is my sons 18th birthday. NOT. EVEN. A. CARD. I included him in my card but usually our children exchange cards. He hasn’t even done that. He didn’t give my daughter anything for hers last year and thought it was an oversight but thinking back, perhaps he stopped bothering the Xmas before.

He is financially comfortable. So it’s not that. I just feel hurt that I spend my money and time making his children feel special for their birthday and for mine there is nothing. My son may or may not be bothered but I’m fuming. Makes me want to draw the line on buying his children gifts for Xmas and bdays. (I know it’s not their fault!) But why should I?

Do you think I’m being unreasonable. It’s a special birthday and even the neighbours have sent card and small token gifts. We are going for a meal tonight but he isn’t coming and is going to his training eve (fire service) which he could opt out of just for tonight, it doesn’t seem to occur to him.

Just needed to vent!

I didn’t. He did.

Why? Unless he refused to sign the card from OP. When does that stop? Is he meant to buy a separate card even after they're married? It's daft.

Why are you not doing these things as a couple? Serrated cards and gifts seems weird.

His older. Hundred can do their own cards and gifts, the 9 year old could be included with your card and gifts as a FAMILY. It seems odd that it is all so separate. Surely as a couple you can help the 9 year old pick a gift and card? Then when it is his children's birthdays, the same. As a couple you work as a family unit with younger children, surely?

What kind of a pointless question is 'do his kids even want you to do anything'. It's a nice thing op does and most children like to be spoilt on their bdays. Is she meant to say to the kids " kids do you want me to spoil you on your bday or shall i do absolutely nothing for you like your dad does for my kids".
And I don't care if her son is upset or not as his mother she's upset on his behalf.

The first time I or my DC's didn't get a gift for xmas or birthday, would be the last time I'd reciprocate. If he stopped 18 months ago, why didn't you?
Regarding the meal, did you not have a conversation about it beforehand and ask him if he could change the training? If not, then you have a communication issue. If he said no, did you ask why not?

He doesn't sound much of a family man tbh, just because a divorced man has DC's, doesn't mean they are good with them or understand their needs. In fact it can be quite the opposite, which is how they end up divorced.

I wouldn't have a serious relationship with someone who didn't love my daughter, let alone marry them. Has he shown an interest your son's birthday at all? Been interested in what he wanted, any plans, what you were getting him? I assume he didn't make any suggestions or offer to contribute.

Was it an expectation that you were to give gifts to his children?

This.

I can't understand the vote. The comments seem much more of an even split.

Most people give cards and presents from them as a couple. That really is normal.
Your ds isn't upset, so it is ridiculous for 'fuming' over this.

He’s not divorced. He didn’t marry. His ex was an alcoholic and was cheating. We always go for meals for birthdays..

why are you carrying him op @St4ph

Nah I don’t get this. You’re just being odd OP. Presents like that should be joint, and yes his kids should’ve been invited if you’re making such a big deal out of this. Follow your son’s lead perhaps and grow up.

My DH and I buy gifts together.. or at least discuss it. I would never expect him to randomly present a gift to our kids that I knew nothing about. The gifts are all from both of us.
I think you should have spoken to him about your expectations because I don't think you can assume that everybody buys individual gifts for kids when in a relationship.. quite a lot of people will just get one gift as joint from both members of the couple rather than a separate gift each.
He may well just have assumed you were doing the gift as you got him to put his name on the card... he may not know you expected him to do something separate.
I think you just need to communicate.

I get it OP, it’s a change in behaviour. If he always used to make an effort then I’d be upset that this stopped - especially for a special birthday like an 18th.

I grew up with stepparents and they always did separate gifts. There was no random point where suddenly all gifts were joint. It’s not unusual to keep gifts separate if that works for you.

It’s not a new thing, he’s always been out to pick something special just from him to add to the things I buy. But not bothered this time.. or at Christmas. It’s been over five years. It’s just wound me up really.

So he should have contributed to the car me and his bought him, as it’s joint? I wouldn’t expect or want that! It’s just the case of not making an effort! It’s a change of behaviour not expectation.. I don’t consider this being immature! I consider your comment as rude though.. 😴

He's let himself down by being very thoughtless and ignorant imo.

It wasn’t rude, it was my opinion 🫶

Hmmm. By the time we were 3 years together, presents and cards were from both of us and we chose together. It was pot luck who wrote the card or gift tag. But we had a conversation and even now(15 years in) we still discuss presents and often go buy them together.
I think he's just let present and card organisation become your job. If you raise it as an issue, I think he's going to wonder what the matter is. My ex did this, and had the cheek to say that as I had 'a little job' it should be part of my role to organise when I asked him where the gift for his parents etc was to take to whatever do it was we were going to.
A conversation is needed about expectations and who does what, and if it's looking like you've got different views you can hopefully get them sorted before the wedding, or think again!

It depends, I buy for mine, him for his, makes it easier.

Maybe he’s stopped buying on behalf of his kids because two of them at 20 & 16, are fully capable of doing it themselves now. It’s one thing to buy gifts “from the kids” when they’re young but at some point that has to stop.

By the time I'm engaged to someone I would be expecting gifts to be joint gifts. Seems a bit strange to me to be gifting separately but appreciate people do things differently, maybe his expectations were the same as mine?

Didn't mean to quote OP in my post, edited to try to remove quote but doesn't seem to be an option

My DH is never involved in buying cards or presents for our children or grandchildren. Once we married, I took over buying cards and presents for his parents too.

After 5 years together, I guess he thinks you don't need to do "separate presents" anymore.

I have no idea why he would be expected to buy a card on behalf of his children, none of whom appear to be toddlers.

In our family, we schedule birthday meals around everyone's availability; we don't expect them to miss other committments.

I think you have overly expectations.

I couldn't be with someone who had these values, too different from mine.