Fiance didn’t buy my son a gift for his 18th birthday am I overreacting.

[St4ph]

So myself and my fiancé have been together 5 years, due to marry in Aug. I have a DD, DS and he has three children.

I ALWAYS spoil his children, (20, 16, 9) make sure there are balloons, favourite meals, nice thoughtful gifts for birthdays/Xmas etc.

Well today is my sons 18th birthday. NOT. EVEN. A. CARD. I included him in my card but usually our children exchange cards. He hasn’t even done that. He didn’t give my daughter anything for hers last year and thought it was an oversight but thinking back, perhaps he stopped bothering the Xmas before.

He is financially comfortable. So it’s not that. I just feel hurt that I spend my money and time making his children feel special for their birthday and for mine there is nothing. My son may or may not be bothered but I’m fuming. Makes me want to draw the line on buying his children gifts for Xmas and bdays. (I know it’s not their fault!) But why should I?

Do you think I’m being unreasonable. It’s a special birthday and even the neighbours have sent card and small token gifts. We are going for a meal tonight but he isn’t coming and is going to his training eve (fire service) which he could opt out of just for tonight, it doesn’t seem to occur to him.

Just needed to vent!

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My ex never bought a single thing for his own children. Or his nephew. I still buy his nephew something or give money in a card even though we are split up because I know he wont bother. Most men are just useless at that kind of thing unfortunately. Surely the gifts you give can be from you both though. You're soon to be married so is that not the norm?

LOL at all these women obediently taking on the extra wifework of cards and presents and celebrations and telling another woman she's unreasonable because it hasn't occurred to her to do it.

Why? Because he can't be arsed?

He thinks these things are your job since you took it all on and do it all for his dc

Tell him now disappointed you are, given you spend so much effort and money on his children because you are a family. Ask him directly to sort something belatedly and you expect this effort. You don't want to not continue to do the what you do for the kids and it's about fairness. Recognize presents may not be his thing, but you'd appreciate making an exception for the kids.

How stupid. Why would you do that?

If he is your fiance, isn’t gift giving joint by this point? That doesn’t mean you should be expected to take the lead and be in charge of gift giving all the time for his and your kids though. Have a discussion going forward. ‘Happy to pay for all gifts jointly and have them be from both of us, but from now on you choose and buy for your kids and I’ll choose and buy for mine’

This. Professional development trumps a birthday party, no matter whose party it is.

I wouldn't stop buying gifts for his children but I would not be putting his name on anything. If he didn't contribute then his name shouldn't go on the cards/tags. He will feel shit when everyone sees that your the one that puts in the effort.

It depends on how he usually is. If he is only like this with cards and gifts but if there for your family when you need him then I do think you're over reacting because he should be included in your card and cards and gifts aren't important to some people but if he seems like he doesn't care about your family etc and shows his distance then you need to talk to him how you feel and then I feel you're acting as you should.
Either way probably talk to him when you're calm and explain how it hurts you. But sometimes we have to just accept that everyone is different and we're raised differently. Alot of men aren't good at being attentive with stuff like that (but it doesn't mean they don't care, my dad leaves cards and presents to my mum and my husband does so with me. My grandad doesnt always give me gifts but i know he cares because he will call occasionally to check up on me and he may not act like it or even say he loves me but i know he does). But I think it's a good idea to just talk to him when you're calm.

@Starzinsky

If you are together I am not sure why you need separate cards. My husband has no idea what the kids are getting for there birthdays. 😂

I think this is quite unusual now isn't it? Most dads I know of teens or younger kids would be involved in choosing presents and getting excited about the kids receiving them. I think it's quite old fashioned for it to be something they don't know about til the child opens them.

I'm amazed at the number of alcoholic cheating ex wives out there. Do you have proof of this?

Does he assume it is a joint gift from the both of you?
My hubby doesn't buy my 11 year old a separate gift (his step daughter). He did before we moved in together. Now it's just a collective thing as a family.
I'm the default gift buyer in our house. Hubby doesn't even know what we've got our son for his bday next week ha.

In lots of ways this is entitled male behaviour. Most of the men I know wouldn't dream of buying a card or present for anyone unless they have a strong family tradition of gift giving.or they totally rely on the women in their lives. My family are incredibly casual about cards and presents you could get a card weeks before or weeks afterwards,although children are the exception. My husbands family had a card & gift for every occasion and would be incredibly offended if you forgot. What is he like with his own children? I would have at least expected him to give you some money and ask you to get something. He does seem a bit uninterested.

Once me and DH were serious, we always brought joint gifts / cards for our respective children. If he's your fiance I'd have thought you'd be doing joint gifts by now.

Obvisouly you aren't, but this could be a sign of different expectations rather than a sign he doesn't care. Talk to him about it. Agree a fair plan for future birthdays.

It's a family event. He could if he wanted to.....

But you are putting pressure on him to miss training, and disadvantaging him at work - that is really infair

In our family, we schedule birthday meals around everyone's availability; we don't expect them to miss other committments.

Yup, same here.
It wouldn't cross my mind to expect someone to miss work, for a meal out. How odd.

Why is that funny? It's awful.

Looks like he's decided that you're his social secretary. In other words, he's fallen back on gender stereotypes and is taking advantage of you - he's the man, it's not his job. Time for a serious talk about his attitude.

Whether he was married or cohabiting or not misses the point that men, having created DC's, does not mean that they are good parents. You can find out that how they are with your own DC's, is quite different to how you'd imagine a man with parental experience to behave. Sometimes it's the very fact that they were rubbish as support once DC's came along that got them booted out of the relationship.
Have you met his ex, or do you just have his word on it that she was a cheating alcoholic? It would seem odd if that were the case that she would not let her DC have any extra time with their DF for celebrations, as that would give her free extra time to do what he accuses her of. That doesn't fit the narrative.

My husband is as surprised as my adult children with what they receive for birthdays and Christmas from us 🤣🤣🤣

This is awful. Advice of the kind 'you need to talk' is useless. If you have to say something, there is really nothing to say. If you have to explain one has to be decent and reciprocating, there is nothing to explain. It hurts like fire. Don't get me wrong - sometimes with your own flesh and blood, it hurts like fire, but this must be especially hard for blended families.

Its he really willing to be mean to your son in his birthday because his children weren't invited??? Wow