Fiance didn’t buy my son a gift for his 18th birthday am I overreacting.

[St4ph]

So myself and my fiancé have been together 5 years, due to marry in Aug. I have a DD, DS and he has three children.

I ALWAYS spoil his children, (20, 16, 9) make sure there are balloons, favourite meals, nice thoughtful gifts for birthdays/Xmas etc.

Well today is my sons 18th birthday. NOT. EVEN. A. CARD. I included him in my card but usually our children exchange cards. He hasn’t even done that. He didn’t give my daughter anything for hers last year and thought it was an oversight but thinking back, perhaps he stopped bothering the Xmas before.

He is financially comfortable. So it’s not that. I just feel hurt that I spend my money and time making his children feel special for their birthday and for mine there is nothing. My son may or may not be bothered but I’m fuming. Makes me want to draw the line on buying his children gifts for Xmas and bdays. (I know it’s not their fault!) But why should I?

Do you think I’m being unreasonable. It’s a special birthday and even the neighbours have sent card and small token gifts. We are going for a meal tonight but he isn’t coming and is going to his training eve (fire service) which he could opt out of just for tonight, it doesn’t seem to occur to him.

Just needed to vent!

what is wrong with some people... my husband and i both have children to separate partners. all those femenists out there must be having such a field day and will be down on me like a tonne of bricks but i really dont care..

i am a firm believer in mens roles and womens roles in the relationship.. i take care of the birthdays, buying the card the present, the ballons or whatever it is, my husband gives me the money.

it doesnt mean he doesnt love his children, it doesnt mean he doesnt love my children.. its just how it is, christmas, birthdays, weddings, babies..

i have a conversation with hubby... its so and so's birthday, what are we doing? and we agree and then i carry out that action..

who did what prior too the big birthday?

I feel so sorry for all the men out there who have the thankless task of being married to some of the posters here on Mumsnet. men simply cannot be men.. we are no longer allowed mans roles and womens roles..

if this birthday was so important to you, why did you not have a conversation with your other half? make it clear you expected them to go all out!

yet here we are.. all men are pigs blah blah blah

He basically said that he’s not bothered because I haven’t invited his kids out for the meal which is just an excuse I guess (two are working and the others mum doesn’t allow “extra days”. Almost like a punishment in my eyes.

I think this is key. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation. You're either a family or you're not. You didn't include his children in the "family" celebrations, which means you don't see his family as your family, so he is reacting to that by not taking part in your family celebrations.

some people just don’t do gifts
lots of men don’t

it’s very much a female thing to buy gifts for everything

but going a bit further my mum spends £150 o birthdays for my kids and £300
at xmas

my unlaws spend
£20/30

some people are brought up to celebrate/spend money some celebrate less and spend less

you’ve just got to decided where you are

Op I would be concerned about this and would take it as a red flag. However old your children are you come as a package and your fiance should be trying hard to build a special bond with them. I think to not do anything for your son's special birthday is a very poor.show tbh and I would be thinking about his future behaviour towards my children. Disappointing.

Totally selfish and inconsiderate and this gives you an inkling of what he thinks of the situation. He could not even go for the meal tonight. Is he tight with money and is that why he has opted out of the meal in case he has to put his hand in his pocket. Find it sad really that he did not get your son something or your daughter for her birthday. Would turn me right off him. I would sit down and talk to him and ask him why. Is it money or just selfish.

My husband does it with his/our own children. They’re lazy and leave it all to us. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them, he just sees it as my job.

My partner of 20 years never gives cards or presents - even to his own side! BUT he's there for them all year, doing DIY stuff, ferrying the grandchildren around, babysitting etc. It really does depend if he's completely disengaged from doing stuff for them all year and I think he could make himself available for part of the evening!

People have massively different feelings about things like this. I didn't get anything for my stepchild's 18th, which was during my engagement, and have never got him anything - his Dad sorts it out and I just sign the card. If the roles were reversed I would feel the same. We always each sort out gifts and cards for just "our" side of the family.

But I know people who feel differently and that's fine, but expectations do need explicitly laying out.

Men are different to us. They don't put the same importance on things

Tell him ! Personally it would leave me resentful and resentment frowns if not dealt with . Tell him

At the end of the day she said he's changed so clearly once upon a time he was... so

This 👆 My husband and me have been married 9-years this Autumn, but together 16-years. He loves my daughters and they love him. That said, he has never bought them a card or a present. Once we were in a committed relationship, cards and presents were/are from both of us!

You didn’t buy your children birthday presents by 18??? I’m 53 and until she sadly passed away last year my Mum STILL always bought me birthday presents!

Agree with this - the 20 and 16 year old should be buying their own things for their stepbrother, and he for them.

The bar for men is set so low by so many of the posters on this thread. It’s depressing.

They’re every bit as capable of buying thoughtful gifts for the people they love as women are.

OP, if he used to buy them presents (when he was trying to impress you/them) and isn’t now, then you need to discuss this change with him.

I’d only want to marry someone that I knew would continue being kind, caring and considerate of my children.

He is a great man... but when it comes to thoughtfulness towards my children it’s minimal

To me, the latter half of the sentence contradicts the first half OP - he doesn't sound like a great man to me at all. My mother spent most of our lives with a man who didn't give a toss about us (her kids), and it was unbelievably hurtful, it really destroyed my relationship with her.

I have been In relationships where they have brought my child something and I haven't brought anything for their child or vise versa.It's really not a big deal,only becomes one if the child feels a certain way.It sounds like he used to buy them gifts before but stopped ,maybe it's because they are older and he probably thought it wouldn't bother them ,sounds like it doesn't and you are the only one getting bothered about it.If you are giving his kids presents,you shouldn't expect him to do the same to yours ,like I mentioned unless it is bothering them then it's a big deal.

Buy your children presents with his money and have him sign the card. He’ll appreciate you bailing him out. I know, not how it’s supposed to be but it’s a way around the problem.

This is a very bad sign. He sounds like a bit of a selfish toe rag to be honest. Do you really want to marry someone who cares that little? I don’t think I would.

My PIL haven't sent birthday or Christmas cards for years .

Not even an 18th or a 21st ( not a card , not a phone call let alone a present )

Thankfully my DC are meh or if they are bothered they don't show .

My Dad used to send their presents and cards ( usually a cheque) a month ahead . Such a difference .

I have not asked PIL , if the DC aren;t bothered then neither am I .

He is not bothered. He is not interested. It is your job to do. 🚩🚩🚩

Red Flag

What did your son gift to your fiancé for your fiancés most recent birthday?

I don't understand why there was no discussion given it's a significant birthday. Did you discuss it with him? If not, then you are already making it a separate issue for him and a separate issue for you. You expect him to step up to the mark when in reality it should be both of you doing it together.

I'm a second wife. I inherited three stepchildren. Even before we were married, their father and I behaved as a family and did birthdays for the kids as a joint effort.
Seems like you've made no effort to include him in the celebrations.

Did you not invite his kids to the dinner?