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Original poster

Fiance didn’t buy my son a gift for his 18th birthday am I overreacting.

173 replies

St4ph · 01/05/2024 08:47

So myself and my fiancé have been together 5 years, due to marry in Aug. I have a DD, DS and he has three children.

I ALWAYS spoil his children, (20, 16, 9) make sure there are balloons, favourite meals, nice thoughtful gifts for birthdays/Xmas etc.

Well today is my sons 18th birthday. NOT. EVEN. A. CARD. I included him in my card but usually our children exchange cards. He hasn’t even done that. He didn’t give my daughter anything for hers last year and thought it was an oversight but thinking back, perhaps he stopped bothering the Xmas before.

He is financially comfortable. So it’s not that. I just feel hurt that I spend my money and time making his children feel special for their birthday and for mine there is nothing. My son may or may not be bothered but I’m fuming. Makes me want to draw the line on buying his children gifts for Xmas and bdays. (I know it’s not their fault!) But why should I?

Do you think I’m being unreasonable. It’s a special birthday and even the neighbours have sent card and small token gifts. We are going for a meal tonight but he isn’t coming and is going to his training eve (fire service) which he could opt out of just for tonight, it doesn’t seem to occur to him.

Just needed to vent!

OP posts:
Maybethisyearornext · 01/05/2024 09:50

Moredrama · 01/05/2024 09:43

OP said he was able to opt out.
It would be different if he didn’t have a choice or was going to miss something crucial, then yes it’s either they change the date of the celebrations or accept he can’t make it. But I’d still question if he would have attended if it was his own DC 18th birthday

Show quote history

If it was his DCs own birthday, he would probably have not arranged it to clash with training.

And even if he could theoretically opt out, it would likely seriously disadvantage him

Maybethisyearornext · 01/05/2024 09:52

It strikes me that he is doing some sort of training which the op has no respect for or consideration for at all.

Do you work op? Do you have to do training? Cant you see what sort of situation you would put yourself in NOT attending for a meal for a partners child? When that meal could have been arranged at a time you were not training?

Jegersur · 01/05/2024 09:54

I think you are being over the top. You’re a couple. Any card or presents come from you both. There’s no need to do something individual. Your presents / balloons for his DC seem over the top as well. Of course he can’t miss his training day.

saltysquid · 01/05/2024 09:55

Does he do anything for your birthday OP? Does he do anything special in terms of buying thoughtful gifts/organising celebrations for his own children? Does he expect a fuss for his?
If no to the above, it could be that he just doesn’t bother with birthdays.
However, if it is just your children he can’t be bothered to do anything for, then it would be reasonable for you to be upset in my opinion.

Moredrama · 01/05/2024 09:55

Maybethisyearornext · 01/05/2024 09:50

If it was his DCs own birthday, he would probably have not arranged it to clash with training.

And even if he could theoretically opt out, it would likely seriously disadvantage him

Show quote history

Personally, I would have arranged the celebrations for a different night if it was important for my partner to be there.

But in OP’s case, it seems that if it was his own DC, he would likely have attended.

Pineapplewaves · 01/05/2024 09:59

I stopped buying DSD gifts when I moved in with DP. I sign all her cards and her cards and presents are a joint gift from both of us. Maybe this is how your DF sees it?

As you have been together five years, live together and are about to get married I would do the same - stop buying gifts for his DC and he presents his gifts from all of you.

makeanddo · 01/05/2024 10:00

The thing that stood out for me is how you do all this stuff for his children's birthdays / what does he do? Why are you doing it? Have you decided to take on this wifework?if so then that's on you - he should be driving and doing that stuff.

So he's one of these guys that likes all the fuss when it's about him but doesn't want to think about others - what's he like on your birthday?

As others have said, he doesn't really care about your children, you aren't a family unit.

Whataspangle · 01/05/2024 10:32

Op seems to sense that this is a change in his behaviour - she thinks he stopped bothering the Xmas before. I think this a worry. Has something in particular sparked this change?
I'm not a big birthday celebrator but the 18th is a significant birthday and if her fiancé could easily have got out of his training commitment and attend the celebration, as OP suggests, it seems strange he hasn't bothered.
OP doesn't say to what extent her fiancé acknowledged the birthday - wished her DS Happy birthday, talked about his celebration etc. If he has done all that there may be an element of him assuming she was doing the gifting and carding for both of them, as happens in a lot of relationships. However if he hasn't really acknowledged the birthday at all it is a different thing.
As always it seems if OP is upset about this it seems she should be discussing it with him and finding out if this is a symptom of a bigger problem.

MILTOBE · 01/05/2024 10:35

I'm not sure why women marry men who aren't kind to their child and generous with their time and money. Why plan to spend your life with someone like that?

Moredrama · 01/05/2024 10:44

@MILTOBE I agree. However, in my case, and it seems the OP’s case, their behaviour is not obvious initially. When they suddenly drop off you think it was an oversight, discuss it with them and assume it will be done right in future, sometimes this works but something it doesn’t.

In my case DH is kind towards but not generous to my DC. He and I had discussed things, he knew how I felt and we had agreed how we would do things going forward in our marriage, but he said one thing and did another.

MILTOBE · 01/05/2024 10:49

That must be very tough for you and your son, @Moredrama. How old is your son?

It's as though their mask slips, isn't it? They can behave in a certain way for a period of time, but their true self always emerges.

PickledPurplePickle · 01/05/2024 11:11

I think it's weird that you would send separate cards and presents

You are getting married, you are a couple, why would things like this be done separately?

Moredrama · 01/05/2024 12:03

@MILTOBE It is tough. Mine is also 18. I covered up a lot so that it wasn’t obvious. But it’s likely they still felt the affects of it when there was an atmosphere because of disagreements over unfair behaviour.

I also had to take a step back and leave SC to my DH, which isn’t the sort of step parent I wanted to be. But it made me feel so guilty doing things for SC whilst my DH wasn’t putting in the same effort for my DC.

It’s caused a lot of resentment.

That’s why I strongly recommend that OP gives this some thought before proceeding to marriage, as it’s definitely harder to deal with once married.

Chatonette · 01/05/2024 12:56

As a stepchild myself, I would find it odd if I received separate cards and gifts from my parent and stepparent—all of my cards and gifts from them are joint.

Original poster
St4ph · 01/05/2024 13:34

Maybethisyearornext · 01/05/2024 09:25

I dont think you can just opt out of a training evening because your girlfriend's son has a meal planned

He can, he only needs to attend once per week.

OP posts:
Original poster
St4ph · 01/05/2024 13:36

Chatonette · 01/05/2024 12:56

As a stepchild myself, I would find it odd if I received separate cards and gifts from my parent and stepparent—all of my cards and gifts from them are joint.

the Card I gave includes his name. He would usually buy a card on behalf of his children to give to mine. It’s just the lack of interest and desire to make things special. X

OP posts:
Original poster
St4ph · 01/05/2024 13:39

MILTOBE · 01/05/2024 10:35

I'm not sure why women marry men who aren't kind to their child and generous with their time and money. Why plan to spend your life with someone like that?

He is a great man, generous with his time but when it comes to thoughtfulness towards my children it’s minimal, to a degree he very much ticks boxes for his own children’s birthdays to, but couldn’t tick the box my sons, to me he is amazing and yes he is kind to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
St4ph · 01/05/2024 13:42

Northernparent68 · 01/05/2024 08:56

Unless your son is upset why are you fuming ? This is very much your projection-you may do a lot for his children birthday but do they want you to do this

I’m upset because of my own expectations. Not my sons. He’s indifferent. Probably hasn’t noticed but worry incase he does. He used to buy extra little gifts for mine to put with the bits I bought. That’s stopped.

OP posts:
Original poster
St4ph · 01/05/2024 13:46

Moredrama · 01/05/2024 09:55

Personally, I would have arranged the celebrations for a different night if it was important for my partner to be there.

But in OP’s case, it seems that if it was his own DC, he would likely have attended.

Show quote history

its his birthday today, his 18th. DS/DD will be with their dad over the weekend. He would not be disadvantaged if he didn’t go. It’s drinking tea and ticking boxes 🤣 It’s just making the effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
St4ph · 01/05/2024 13:49

Maybethisyearornext · 01/05/2024 09:52

It strikes me that he is doing some sort of training which the op has no respect for or consideration for at all.

Do you work op? Do you have to do training? Cant you see what sort of situation you would put yourself in NOT attending for a meal for a partners child? When that meal could have been arranged at a time you were not training?

Yes I’m a mental health nurse. Also running parallel to my full time job I am attend uni to gain a social work degree. His training is weekly routines. It usually consists of drinking tea and talking. I’m not I considerate or disrespectful I encourage him in every way. But sometimes prioritising something that means a lot to the woman he wishes to marry is important.

OP posts:
Original poster
St4ph · 01/05/2024 13:50

SevenSeasOfRhye · 01/05/2024 08:58

How does he get on with your son generally?

Yes fine. Casual normal. Not super close but get on well.

OP posts:
Peonies12 · 01/05/2024 13:51

PurpleCacao · 01/05/2024 09:07

Couples give joint presents. He hasn’t done anything wrong.

The problem is that you go overboard with his children. You should just sign the card he gets, and his gifts are from you too.

This.

MimiSunshine · 01/05/2024 13:53

Sounds like he’s decided card buying and gift giving is ‘wife work’ and that is now your job.
how much effort does he actually put in for his own children’s birthdays because from the sound of the effort that you make for them, he can’t have much to do.

id be talking to him about this and point g out that you arent now the family admin.

Original poster
St4ph · 01/05/2024 13:53

I just think being a part of his birthday celebration and wanting to buy something thoughtful on behalf of HIS children to my son would have been nice. Of course he is in the card. But until this year he has bought a token gift to add to mine but hasn’t bothered with either one of my kids this year.

OP posts:
Original poster
St4ph · 01/05/2024 13:56

MimiSunshine · 01/05/2024 13:53

Sounds like he’s decided card buying and gift giving is ‘wife work’ and that is now your job.
how much effort does he actually put in for his own children’s birthdays because from the sound of the effort that you make for them, he can’t have much to do.

id be talking to him about this and point g out that you arent now the family admin.

I guess so, I think if he had said “ is there anything I could get for DS birthday” and I said there wasn’t it would be different, but he didn’t touch on the subject at all. But I just worry my son will feel a bit displaced. My worries I guess not my sons. We will definitely have a chat later about it.

OP posts: