Realising that my nagging made him fall out of love with me but did I have much choice?

[Fedupofchicken]

I was a nag. No doubt about it.
I was also a stressed out mother with two allergy children, a career to maintain and zero family support, so I needed his support and input in running our home and in family life. He didn't freely give it. So I nagged and nagged and nagged.

Until he got fed up of me and treated me with apathy until he eventually left me.

At the weekend, I went out with 3 of my friends, all married, all with children around the same age. I asked them if they have been nags too. It turns out they haven't but I already knew that, because I could see that their relationship dynamics were so much different to mine.

However, one of the stark differences is that none of them worked when they had preschoolers at home with them. It made me reflect that perhaps they didn't need to nag because home was their arena, whilst going to work was their husbands. I never had that opportunity as I needed to work too so that we could pay the mortgage, so I needed him to contribute to domestic life also. He was reluctant, but being the feminist that I am, I refused to let him get away with it. So I nagged every day for him to contribute and for him to see me and my heavy contributions which were burning me out.

I know he had a role to play in all of this too. He could have done more, been more readily helpful, thought for himself more. But one of my friend's husbands is a little oblivious when it comes to all things domestic; she just made the home her focus and work became his. He however doesn't have any time consuming hobbies and the one hobby he does have involves the children also which I think has helped a lot as my ex always felt entitled to his hobbies when I needed more support at weekends. She told me that he picks up on her stresses and tends to pick up more of the load at times, but I also know that my ex has always done much more domestically than her husband has ever done. Mainly because I nagged.

My own dad was pretty useless but my mum never nagged him, she just accepted that things didn't get done, as a result we lived in a very run down, filthy home as both parents also worked full time.

I just feel like women can't win no matter what route we take. I'm sure that for the greater harmony of the home, it's better for women not to work and to take care of all things domestic when children are preschoolers but I think that makes us so vulnerable financially.

One of my friends never nags her husband but is constantly burning out as she's a teacher with young children and he is absolutely useless as a parent. She's always poorly, always stressed and has no support from her husband at all domestically. Yet he still takes her out for romantic meals and treats her to special gifts and declares his love for her regular via text and also on social media. So she accepts it.

I'm embarrassed by my nagging overall. But I don't think I could have coped being made a doormat, even with romantic dinners and gushy texts.

I don't know what the answer is for women in these situations. One of my friends relies heavily on her parents to pick up her husband's slack. They look after her child so that she can work full time AND do everything in the home at weekends. But it seems wrong to put so much responsibility on elderly parents just so some men can go to the pub or on cycling weekends.

My neighbour has a fantastic, hands on husband who supports her in every way, but from what I have observed they seem to be few and far between.

If I could go back in time, I'd have picked a better man, or perhaps I'd pick the same one and not nagged. But then I wonder what might have become of me if I hadn't have nagged. I just look at some of my friends in their marriages, not struggling as single parents and I wish things were different.

Nagging, wouldn’t have changed him, he was unrealistic and you were hopeful

Your not a mug, that’s why he left because he couldn’t get away with not pulling his weight.

By 'nagging' do you mean expecting another adult to pull their weight around the house and with childcare?

If so, you're using the wrong word. It's a reasonable expectation to have of your partner and your children's other parent

I'm seething on your behalf OP.

Just solidarity here I'm afraid. Men as a collective sex class are fucking dire.

Not all men. But most of them.

I’ve never read the word ‘nag’ quite so many times. You really ought to stop using it. It’s a misogynistic term. ‘Nagging’ isn’t it a thing. You were asking him to pull his weight and do his share of domestic labour. You shouldn’t have had to ask him at all, but his refusal to adult meant you were forced to.

This is not on you. He’s the one who should be embarrassed.

Yes. Don’t procreate with strategic incompetence. Housework, cooking etc takes zero skill.

I often think behind every nagging woman is a useless fuck of a partner.
I never ever nagged. I was compliant and lovely and now I'm older it's bit me in the arse big time. It's hard to expect things to change now we're at the age we are because I've enabled his behaviour for 40 years. If I'd nagged would we have stayed together? Who knows?

It's not you. Some of us picked shit men without realising it at the time
A real man and equal partner would have stepped up without needing to be told to do so.

I now feel strongly that the word nagging is weaponised to shut women up for requesting the most basic expectations.

If a woman is being called a nag, it's more likely there's an issue with the man pulling his weight. I just can't stand it. I've been single by choice for 10 years. I don't know how so many women cope with all this. I believe there are some great men but I don't believe there are many.

“Chirawehaha · Today 23:17
I’ve never read the word ‘nag’ quite so many times. You really ought to stop using it. It’s a misogynistic term. ‘Nagging’ isn’t it a thing. You were asking him to pull his weight and do his share of domestic labour. You shouldn’t have had to ask him at all, but his refusal to adult meant you were forced to.

This is not on you. He’s the one who should be embarrassed.”

This. Please stop saying you nagged him. You asked him to pull his weight. He failed to do so at first asking so you had to ask him again. You really need to reframe this. He left because he was a lazy, piss-poor partner who wanted no demands made of him. Your friends who are running themselves ragged around lazy partners haven’t won in life; they’re not doing the right thing. They’re simply teaching their children that mothers do it all, while fathers please themselves. That’s a poor lesson to teach your DCs.

You complained about his lazy behaviour and asked him to contribute more. There's nothing wrong with that. It only became a nag as presumably he didn't care or improve when he listened to your complaint. It's his behaviour that's caused this, not yours. Let him go and don't punish yourself for having standards.

A man is not a project you can form to your needs, what I mean is if he was not doing his bit prior to the kids he aint going to do anything after.

Men will pretty much show you who they are in the beginning, and it has nothing to do with feminism. A man that knows how to do the basic when it comes to running a house, administer bills and pay attention to his surroundings, clean the toilet when he has pissed all over it, is a man that has learnt those tools because he is interested in doing well there. and because he has respect for his partner.
If he was not helpful from the onset then the nagging will not have made any difference.
Some men just feel its not their job to do house cleaning, and its not your job to raise them. Period.

No amount of nagging is going to suddenly get a man to get up and help out. And us women are not extensions of their mums, not our job to tell them what to do, and not our project. Its just not sexy.

if your ex was uninterested in the DC, cleaning etc, he will be like that in his next relationship. He will not change and its easy to blame everything on your nagging when you were probably on your third and fourth shift 24-7 -365. You tried and now I would just happily move on as you now have less stress to deal with.

If you had to nag to get anything done he wasn't listening. That's a him problem. I hope he is working on it.

Nagging. It's what a certain kind of man calls being reminded to do something they should have done the first time. Deliberate and misogynistic.

You've done nothing wrong, OP. It's him, not you.

Behind every man who calls a woman a nag is someone who's a lazy arse who is trying to sail through life doing the bare minimum at home.

It's amazing how men have been expecting women to clean the house, do the laundry, raise the children and feed the family for generations without ever getting called nags.

Yet when a woman wants an ounce of support for any of those things then to some men, she is a nag.

It's just mysoginy, laziness and ineptitude masquerading as being the woman's fault because she "nags"

You're being very tough on yourself, sounds like you gave him plenty of opportunities to pull his weight and he chose to ignore you.
We all learn from our parents & familial home settings, you've taught your kids not to stand for crap - so well done you!
Hindsight is wonderful, but also not helpful. Try not to compare yourself with others (you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors). Try to look at the positives in your life and use this lesson to improve your future.
Yes, I had (too) high expectations of my STBXH (my dad helped around the house tons), ran the home and was caretaker for him & 2 DS. I chose unwisely - there are some good men out there I believe.

Instead of seeing this as advocating for yourself, being assertive, or making sure someone else is pulling their own weight, you've called it's nagging, and adopted misogynistic language. The type of accusation that shames women into staying quiet and obedient, lest she be seen as some kind of shrieking banshee, a nagging harridan.

I suggest you take a trip to the Women's Right forum.

This.

Also women shouldn't have to do reminding in the first place. There still seems to be men out there who expect women to be their secretary or personal Siri and remember everything for them, as if they're 5 years old, on top of everything the woman has to remember for herself.

No. Get yourself a bloody reminder app.

Or perhaps he should have pulled his weight without having to be asked. Again and again and again.

Sorry but I think you are a bit of a mug to be honest. I read that wondering why you werent the one falling out of love with HIM? How can you love someone who is so selfish they don't mind you run yourself into the ground doing everything?

Nagging, as you have seen, does not work. Better to just quiet quit, wbuch you missed off your options if you could go back in time. Stop facilitating their lives for them - look after yourself and your kids but zero mental load for the husband, zero cooking, laundry etc. just do as much for them as they do for you. It's the only way to survive.

I used to have to repeatedly ask my ex-partner to do things around the house and he would certainly complain that I was nagging at him, but not actually pull his weight.

Now I have a boyfriend (who doesn't even live with me and my kids) who has the miraculous ability to see what needs to be done around my house when he's here and just do it without even being asked.

Funnily enough, I spend about the same amount of time thanking him as I spent 'nagging' my ex.

Your problem wasn't your nagging, it's that your ex was a lazy fuck.

A man who calls a woman a "nag" for asking him to do his share is a lazy, useless bastard. The fault lies entirely with him, not you. He calls you a "nag" in the hope that you will stop asking him to do anything, and he can sit on his lazy arse and watch you run yourself ragged.

It's not you, it's him. You are well rid. At least you have one less to clean up after. Take care x

What, you know them all?! 😂

There's sadly a fuckton of them out there!