Realising that my nagging made him fall out of love with me but did I have much choice?

[Fedupofchicken]

I was a nag. No doubt about it.
I was also a stressed out mother with two allergy children, a career to maintain and zero family support, so I needed his support and input in running our home and in family life. He didn't freely give it. So I nagged and nagged and nagged.

Until he got fed up of me and treated me with apathy until he eventually left me.

At the weekend, I went out with 3 of my friends, all married, all with children around the same age. I asked them if they have been nags too. It turns out they haven't but I already knew that, because I could see that their relationship dynamics were so much different to mine.

However, one of the stark differences is that none of them worked when they had preschoolers at home with them. It made me reflect that perhaps they didn't need to nag because home was their arena, whilst going to work was their husbands. I never had that opportunity as I needed to work too so that we could pay the mortgage, so I needed him to contribute to domestic life also. He was reluctant, but being the feminist that I am, I refused to let him get away with it. So I nagged every day for him to contribute and for him to see me and my heavy contributions which were burning me out.

I know he had a role to play in all of this too. He could have done more, been more readily helpful, thought for himself more. But one of my friend's husbands is a little oblivious when it comes to all things domestic; she just made the home her focus and work became his. He however doesn't have any time consuming hobbies and the one hobby he does have involves the children also which I think has helped a lot as my ex always felt entitled to his hobbies when I needed more support at weekends. She told me that he picks up on her stresses and tends to pick up more of the load at times, but I also know that my ex has always done much more domestically than her husband has ever done. Mainly because I nagged.

My own dad was pretty useless but my mum never nagged him, she just accepted that things didn't get done, as a result we lived in a very run down, filthy home as both parents also worked full time.

I just feel like women can't win no matter what route we take. I'm sure that for the greater harmony of the home, it's better for women not to work and to take care of all things domestic when children are preschoolers but I think that makes us so vulnerable financially.

One of my friends never nags her husband but is constantly burning out as she's a teacher with young children and he is absolutely useless as a parent. She's always poorly, always stressed and has no support from her husband at all domestically. Yet he still takes her out for romantic meals and treats her to special gifts and declares his love for her regular via text and also on social media. So she accepts it.

I'm embarrassed by my nagging overall. But I don't think I could have coped being made a doormat, even with romantic dinners and gushy texts.

I don't know what the answer is for women in these situations. One of my friends relies heavily on her parents to pick up her husband's slack. They look after her child so that she can work full time AND do everything in the home at weekends. But it seems wrong to put so much responsibility on elderly parents just so some men can go to the pub or on cycling weekends.

My neighbour has a fantastic, hands on husband who supports her in every way, but from what I have observed they seem to be few and far between.

If I could go back in time, I'd have picked a better man, or perhaps I'd pick the same one and not nagged. But then I wonder what might have become of me if I hadn't have nagged. I just look at some of my friends in their marriages, not struggling as single parents and I wish things were different.

Nagging is a misogynistic term used toward a woman who is usually just asking for equal work around the house and kids.

If you had to ask him constantly to pull his weight then you're well rid, OP

I hate the word nagging it's so sexist

There is nothing wrong with asking your DH to pull his weight

'Nag' is a misogynist word and banned in my house.

'Asking for what I need' is a better description.

Your ex was an arsehole and putting up and shutting up might not even have worked anyway.

You weren't nagging.
You were asking repeatedly for him to step up and carry his share of the burden.
Nagging is a word solely used to put a woman in her place.
You never hear a man accused of it.
If you have a partner who listens and pulls his weight, you don't have to keep asking for the same things.
Reframe the narrative of this marriage. You weren't a "nag". He was actually a lazy git. That's what caused the problems.

I just look at some of my friends in their marriages, not struggling as single parents

Being a TRUE SINGLE PARENT is so much easier than having to nag a useless parent not pulling his weight....

Some men cherry pick the best bits of modern life so it makes theirs easier. Its even more mysogynistic than adopting traditional his and he's roles. Of course a woman should be able to go out to work, but they have to do all the domestic duties and child are on top of that too, because that's 'women's work'? Nothing to do with them, they donated their sperm, then because they work, they can spend their weekends purely winding down with their 'me time' and hobbies.
Totally misses the point of what equality is. It makes my blood boil, and I bet yours did.
He has done you a favour by going. I bet he's still not doing 50/50 childcare, in which case, he should at least be paying you maintenance. Which you can put towards a cleaner and ironer, and farm out as many tasks as possible to paid help. In fact, with his attitude, I'd of made it a condition of the divorce finances that he pays for the help you need.
Hopefully, he's at least made it so he has to care for his DC's some weekends, so it's an improvement for you these times as you never got free time before. Perhaps it will hit home for him that he has to do it now - until he finds a willing victim to take over the household tasks for him. You stood your ground, well done and well rid.

Think of the positives, you're showing your children good character traits, you aren't dependent, you won't be walked over and treated like a maid. Your children will know what healthy boundaries are in future relationships through your example.

He didn't hold up his end of a healthy relationship without regular prompting (since some find nagging offensive) from you so it didn't work out. Yes other factors may have been at play in the dynamics like the fact you both had to work but from how you describe things, I think you'd have resented fulfilling one role entirely while he fulfilled the other. That might work for some but I'm like you, I want us to be seen as equal contributors to family in every respect.

This op. I hate the word nag. A word almost exclusively used to shut down woken who want accountability and fairness from partners. He was useless. You wanted better. He left. You are better off. What you are hankering after is the fantasy of him. You shouldn't have had to burn out or ask several times for support.
You are an amazing woman. Don't let anyone make you feel any less than that.

Sounds like he was lazy and unhelpful and wanted you to do more than your fair share! A manchild, like so many of them. Women only ‘nag’ because men can’t act on their own initiative to see what needs doing and do it. It wasn’t you, it was him.

Also when women nag they are literally NEVER asking a man to do more than his fair share? Why can’t men just do their fair share without being asked?! That is literally the ONLY reason women have to ‘nag’. Ugh makes me so mad (not with you, with me 😂)

Hi OP

Agree with pp you need to knock the use of “nagging” on the head.

I do agree with you that many women are prepared to live with weaponised incompetence because “Men! amiright hahahaha” and just live with the fact they have a partner who is more like an extra child. The ones married to high earners tend to (in my observation) use the money to make their lives easier and give up work entirely or get a play job for pin money.

It is rare to to see a partnership with both husband and wife in equally high pressure jobs. My exH and I had equivalent level jobs. I am 4 years younger than him and worked at a more junior level/more flexibly (still FT or close to) from having my son at 33 & daughter at 36 until stepping up to equivalent (lawyer) role at 39, nearly 40. I “nagged” the whole time. Why should I be busting my arse at work while carrying the whole load of the household? (ExH could cook/wash dishes but did absolutely nothing for kids or general household load). I like yours, he didn’t respond with apathy - he responded with explosive temper to try to scare me into silence. By the time I was 41 and 1 month I’d ended the marriage.

He was very happy for me to earn the same amount as him. Not once did he say “hey I’m not sure we have capacity for this, I really value all you do for us and maybe working 4 days a week gives you a bit of a breather, we don’t need the money”. Or “hey you’ve supported my career for 7 years while we have kids, it’s my turn to take a step back and support you”. He wanted the money and a tradwife. So glad he is now an ex.

My new partner is the opposite- so kind and considerate. But I do think they are rare.

So glad I clung to my career through gritted teeth in those baby years and chose to “nag” instead of throwing in the towel and resigning myself to life as a full time servant. My work has set me free from a life of misery.

There is nothing you did, nothing you could have done, to deserve having your life stolen by a man who takes your time, sleep, leisure, and joy so he can extract free labor.

Yes there is a lot of nagging going on.

It wasn't you - you needs needs he couldn't comply with - to be a supportive equal partner in all things domestic and child related.
He had needs you couldn't comply with - to be a domestice slave and be like a SAHM whilst working whilst he bahaved like a single man.

I am glad for you that you are free of him. And so should you be.

For me, feeling like a nag really means ,"I don't feel heard and have to stop trying to discuss nicely and just state things more forcefully so he has to hear me." Then I feel annoyed that I have to feel like I'm a nag when it could have just been an easy quick casual discussion.

Good on you for standing up for yourself OP.

The only thing you need to regret is the fact that you didn't leave him for being a shit husband. At least he has to clean his own fucking house now.

There was a thread on here a good while back discussing why the majority of men bother having a family when they clearly despise family life. A lot of responses were basically the man just doesn't think about things as much as the woman, they go along with whatever she wants for a quiet life. Same with why so many of them have affairs. They just go along with the wedding, get married to "shut her up" then end up finding someone they really want a few years and two kids down the line.

The whole "hobby" thing makes my organs cringe. Fuck off. Once you're a parent "hobbies" are out the window as is 90% of your freedom. This appears to be something so many men utterly fail to realise until it's too late.

I can't stand women who nag, it's no wonder their husbands leave them and they give the rest of us a bad name. But you weren't "nagging". You were expecting him to be a co-parenting, functional adult.

Nagging is a bullshit word commonly used by indiscriminate bigots to suppress women into doing their bidding, because they, as owners of the penis, are superior.

F*#k that.

You have been placed in an unfortunate position by a man child who seemed to think that him going to work a job has given him a clear pass to do very very little in the home, and participate in his time consuming hobbies while you work, raise and family and run a house.

Again... F*#k that.

You have had a lucky escape. I hope that your next partner is someone who values you as a person. Don't settle for less than equal contribution.

Also, never, ever uses the word nag again. You are not a nag. But you do have the basic expectations of adults behaving like adults, without requiring constant instruction...

I get the impression you think your marriage would be ok if you stayed at home and just did everything at home.

No sahp is happy doing all childcare and all housework with no support with a partner who also checks out at weekends and treats them badly. Like you said, your husband felt entitled to time away with hobbies when you need support at weekends. He still would have done that.

Your husband was the type of man that is happy to be in a marriage where both are contributing financially, but doesn’t want to be equal in all things. They are happy to not be the sole earner, but don’t want to share domestic chores. He didn’t want to equal partners.

If you had have stayed at home, he still would have been a shit. And your situation now would be tricker without work.

What’s that old saying? ‘Women get married expecting men to change and men get married expecting women not to change’.

I agree with you OP. The younger generation of women watch and learn and are more wary of giving up their freedoms for domestic servitude on top of paid work. I don’t know why men haven’t stepped it up at home in the same way women have stepped it up in the workplace.

I was a nag. I am free now and bringing up my wonderful DC of both sexes to respect women and expect equality at home. Or stay single.

I came on here to rage at the word "nag" but you have all beaten me to it. OP you are free from this man-child and I hope you get some rest/peace in the future.

He sounds like he was utterly useless; learned incompetence at the hands of his father, no doubt. You were right not to perpetuate it.

I hate the word nagging for all the reasons already mentioned upthread!

I have observed that some women (not saying OP was one, just talking generally) go into a relationship and start doing most domestic duties. This isn’t too bad when there are only two of you but once you add children into the mix the burden becomes huge and the drudgery goes up. A friend actually used to tidy up her boyfriend’s flat while they were dating! I could never understand why she did it.

I'm going to advise my DDs to find a man who shares the chores early in the relationship. My husband was always quick to cook and clean and was actually much better at domestic jobs when we first met and now we have two DC he is still the same.

You married a selfish, entitled lazy man. You should have fallen out of love with him well before he left you.

I don’t nag, I ask my DH and DC to do reasonable things that need doing, if they don’t do them, I remind them and then remind them again.
If they did the jobs in the first place, then they wouldn’t need to be reminded.