Porn again ..

[Sleepy889]

A couple of years ago, I found porn sites on DH phone to show favourites on safari.
We had a discussion about it, I said it felt disrespectful and I felt betrayed because I can't complete with that.
He said he'd not look again, ofc he did but I know he has an addictive personality so stood to reason it'd happen again
So today when I looked I saw free live girls as one of them and I draw the line at that. I don't exactly know what this entails perhaps someone can enlighten me though I can guess.
I've felt sick all morning about it because other than this we have a lovely life and great relationship.
I can hardly bring it up because he'll know I've been looking, the site in question is X hamster.

I'm not familiar with that site, but I can't imagine that any woman is going to do anything live for free. What's the point? A quick google and it just looks like a regular porn site to me.

What is your sex life like? If it's all okay, I wouldn't be too bothered, but if he's using porn instead of having sex with you, that's a huge problem.

Most men will look at porn. Most of the time it's pretty healthy but for some it can be addictive and ruin a good relationship.

As a guy, I have never used porn to compete with someone or even compare. Pleasuring yourself is fun and porn can be just that, a fantasy, something to get excited by. When I have looked at porn I have not loved my partner any less or felt they were inadequate. You do get a lot of pop up ads on these sites and free live girls is one that comes up a lot so does not mean he is looking.

It doesn't need to be anything with sex life either. In the past I have had a good sex life, but if my partner is not in the mood, then I see no reason to feel guilty if I do indulge.

Sounds like everything else is good - so bring that up in a calm way. What is it you really don't like, do you mind that he looks but would prefer not to know. Is it masking an issue between you?

It’s not just if the sex life is good it’s that her husband could well be picturing in his mind what he’s been looking at while having sex with his wife.

My ex husband was addicted to porn and I just couldn’t have sex with him due to this.

Thanks it's nice to have a male perspective.

Yep I do wonder every time he shuts his eyes what's he thinking of?
Imagine he's looking at it every minute I'm not with him. It's the top one ..

Only you can decide where you draw the line OP.

Personally I am a realist - men will look at porn anyway. You either know about it or you don't, but they pretty much all do it regardless of whether they are married, in a relationship etc.

It doesn't particularly bother me, I don't see it in the same way as having an affair or sleeping with someone else.

But if it bothers you, then you need to have a conversation with your husband and try to honestly understand one another's perspective on this.

Have you considered watching it together? Sharing things instead of one partner feeling left out, hurt, unwanted. Me and my wife watch porn together not all the time but once or twice a month maybe? Just a little extra spice to our relationship. Instead of feeling betrayed why not suggest it to him, you'll probably make his week! As said above no man compares porn to their partner it'd be like comparing an action film to your daily life. Ones fantasy the others reality. How many women watch things like 365 days, 50 shades, ready steamy novels.

Thing is, you told him your boundary and how it made you feel -he violated that boundary and kept doing something behind your back, knowing it would hurt you. That’s the part I would struggle with most.

Porn is highly addictive, and can lead to issues in your sex life.

Its perfectly ok to not be ok with porn, and he should respect that or be honest enough to admit that’s a struggle for him.

How is reading an erotic novel the same as getting turned on watching a real naked woman having sex? Some women consider it betrayal and gross.

And why should a woman have to accept the porn by watching it with him if she’s not ok with it? A man who needs porn to warm himself up when with his wife has issues

Erotic novels are not my thing, so not defending them either.

Funnily enough I mentioned to my husband today that there's women on MN who get upset about their husbands watching porn. We had a chuckle about it. Don't stress OP it's not a competition.

Depends what that boundary was - no porn full stop or look in your time but I want nothing to do with it.

Personally if he is saving that on his favourites he is an idiot! But he has been caught. You are right, porn can ruin relationships but like most things is fine in moderation.

If it is no porn full stop (i.e. its treated like an affair) then is could cause a huge clash, or just lead to more lying. I just don't see an easy workaround.

I swear, every single time a porn question is asked on MN a man/men comes along to “educate” the women on here how they should accept porn, join in or shut up and let a man do what he pleases. 🤦‍♀️

It's actually my wife that requests it! Usually girl/girl!

Everyone ok with porn should ask themselves how they know that what they're watching isn't one of the underaged, addicted or trafficked women that for eg PornTube has been shown to host.

Answer: you can't.

At the very, very best, a young woman - a real person, like you or your daughter - has had to rent out her most intimate and vulnerable self for money. She didn't truly consent, because she wouldn't have done it if she didn't need the money.

How would you feel if she asked to watch two men?

Ha. How fucking cool are you guys!

And condescending.

Wouldn't bother me. If that's what she was into porn wise then fair enough. Wouldn't do anything for me, girl/girl doesn't really push my buttons to be fair. I'm more of an amatuer mature wife fan, gilf if you would. Uk Women 50+ is more my thing. It's porn. It's on a screen. It's fantasy. Some of these post on here would be better suited to nunsnet than mumsnet. My husband sneaks off and masturbates please help or my husband looks at porn. As for the post above about trafficked women, I bet you own a phone that has illegally mined cobalt in it at the detriment of slaves in the Congo or you have items in your wardrobe stitched together by child labour. Unfortunately people there's evil in the world non of us are guilt free when you really get down to it. As for watching a bit of porn I can't see the harm

The main thing that stands out to me in your OP is when you say "I can't compete with that". That's your low self-esteem and is a specific problem to address separately from the porn issue (IMVHO). Unless he is choosing porn over you then you are not actually competing. Even if he were to stop using porn you would still have issues with your self-esteem that would manifest in other ways. You need to work on that.

I may be a rare man who does have issues with porn in principle. The rampant misogyny, the likelihood of female participants being exploited/coerced/trafficked etc, the widespread availability of explicit material to children and youths, that it perpetuates the objectification of women and that it paints a wholly unrealistic picture of what the majority of women consider enjoyable sex. Maybe talk to him above those aspects and see if you can persuade him to appreciate that it is very much not just harmless fun. You will still need to resolve the issue with your low self-esteem though.

Most men will look at porn. Most of the time it's pretty healthy

Porn isn't healthy actually. It skews the reality of sex, creates false expectations, causes intimacy issues within real relationships. Many people become addicted to it. And while some people might be fine with it within the context of their relationship, there are many who aren't.

It would be much wiser for the general population to stop saying how 'normal' porn is and to actually instead teach the dangers of it and why it should be avoided.

Maybe then we wouldnt have the 'most men do it' situation and all these screwed up relationships as a result.

Agreed.

Porn isn't "healthy" ! Surely no one thinks jerking off over people you don't know is better for your health than having real sex with someone you know!

Men who visit the sites are seeing titles that classify women into age, weight, race, desirability and worse. Where else in life is that enabled? Because it is a very slippery slope from "just having a look" to getting swept away and watching more and more extreme content. It is in these site's interests to keep men hooked. Even if you take the objectification out of it lots of studies now show men get performance anxiety and suffer erectile dysfunction because of watching porn.

It's an epidemic and no one is doing much about it but femicide is rising and teens in recent surveys not only don't understand consent but boys think women like to be choked as part of sex. Dehumanising women is having an effect on all areas of our lives, from crime to relationships. As OP shows.

OP all you can do is talk to him, see if he is willing to stop or get therapy and decide if you can trust him again. Sadly most men do now view women through a porn lens and leaving him won't guarantee you finding one who doesn't, although there is a growing awareness of the benefits of cutting it out. You need to think about all possibilities but live cam work is 1:1 where he is talking live to a girl and getting her to do whatever he likes for money. Money, presumably you and the kids could be using in the CoL crisis.

But he could be thinking of any woman he finds attractive, they don't have to be a pornstar.

It's not the porn as such but the free live girls, engagement with another woman I find so upsetting.
Like I'm not enough.

Why do men ALWAYS think women who don't like porn are "nuns" or jealous?

Is it that wrong to want to have sex with your partner than to be given the brush off because he jacked off over someone else or can't get it up anymore because of porn? Give your head a wobble.

Oh great. I'm so glad the men have arrived to tell the OP (and us silly women 😉) how we should feel about porn.