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Original poster

Porn again ..

174 replies

Sleepy889 · 30/04/2024 13:40

A couple of years ago, I found porn sites on DH phone to show favourites on safari.
We had a discussion about it, I said it felt disrespectful and I felt betrayed because I can't complete with that.
He said he'd not look again, ofc he did but I know he has an addictive personality so stood to reason it'd happen again
So today when I looked I saw free live girls as one of them and I draw the line at that. I don't exactly know what this entails perhaps someone can enlighten me though I can guess.
I've felt sick all morning about it because other than this we have a lovely life and great relationship.
I can hardly bring it up because he'll know I've been looking, the site in question is X hamster.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 30/04/2024 16:27

The idea its all a big laugh and healthy ! For many women it really isn't - it's an absolute turn off against your partner. I appreciate plenty of women like it themselves too- but plenty don't- have these people who think it's all 'boys will be boys' ever actually looked at sites like X hamster- it's non stop pop ups of hooker sites , live webcams and categorising people (mainly women though) into thousands of body parts/acts/- really hard core stuff too -

If blokes had been watching videos of this kind of stuff multiple times a week a great many of us would all have decided they were sleazy perverts- as it's now all a bit secretive and on phones suddenly itsall 'healthy' and 'ok' -

Keep telling yourself that guys when women leave you because they are fed up of it or you no longer appeal or cant get it up and keep it up without visual stimulus.

CurlewKate · 30/04/2024 16:28

@Dadjoke007 "Most men will look at porn. Most of the time it's pretty healthy"

Can you explain why it's healthy? Do you have any concerns about the women you are looking at?

KitKatChunki · 30/04/2024 16:30

Sleepy889 · 30/04/2024 16:09

It's not the porn as such but the free live girls, engagement with another woman I find so upsetting.
Like I'm not enough.

He's paying for a sex worker.
Most women would be out of the door.

KitKatChunki · 30/04/2024 16:33

Just to clarify - the live cam girls are certainly not free!

He is spending out to make a woman do whatever he wants and not on his family.

Original poster
Sleepy889 · 30/04/2024 16:34

Whatever he's looking at it'd have to be free, he has no cards he can use without me knowing....
Makes me feel sick

OP posts:
KitKatChunki · 30/04/2024 16:37

It's something only you can decide. It makes most women feel sick, even if they go along with it at the start of a relationship or at times within. It's not something most women can easily get over when it's secretive and regular and replacing sex and no one would blame you for leaving. Many women do.
Good luck.

WinterDeWinter · 30/04/2024 16:40

So my iphone makes your trafficked women ok?
I don't think morality works like that love.
It's called a fallacy of relevance.

I might suggest that you, a man, are equally unsuited to mumsnet as I, a nun.

lonelysad · 30/04/2024 16:41

I agree with many posters above. It's assumed consent at its absolute best. It made me feel sick that my XH jerked off to it when I thought he actually had morals. I could also never shake the feeling that he was imagining fucking a teenager when he was with me. It just ended up being too much.

KitKatChunki · 30/04/2024 16:42

WinterDeWinter · 30/04/2024 16:40

So my iphone makes your trafficked women ok?
I don't think morality works like that love.
It's called a fallacy of relevance.

I might suggest that you, a man, are equally unsuited to mumsnet as I, a nun.

It's because women are a commodity to some men, sadly. He has to compare it this way to make it less humanising.

crochetcatcrazy · 30/04/2024 16:45

So only you know what you are ok with and I am not going to jump into the debate of is porn ok in relationships etc.

Just be mindful that these websites will bombard and redirect to all sorts of pop ups to try and get you to engage/pay/sign up etc. This doesnt mean he HAS investigated it. It means he is definitely looking at porn but it does not mean he is definitely one on one with these women. In you post you say the bit that bothers you is the one on one part - you need to talk to him to find out if he is or if its a pop up. If he is then he has crossed a boundary and this has to be communicated.

wetwetdays · 30/04/2024 16:46

I understand that you are upset OP but I can pretty much 100% say that he's probably doing it for a 3 mins kick and then he'll forget about it. I work in this field of addiction and SO many people (men and women) look at porn. I never hear any of them saying that when they close their eyes, they are only imagining the porn star and not their wives/husbands. However, at the end of the day, none of us can ever know what is floating around in someone else's brain.

Regarding the porn sites, they all have a plethora of pop up ads which encourage people to click on them for live shows. Even if someone was just wanting to watch a more vanilla style of porn, they will be inundated with pop ups that they have to swipe off their screens before they can view the film.
I know its easy for me to say, but I really wouldn't worry. I'm sure he loves you and the life you have.

Romeandcoke · 30/04/2024 16:50

The thing I wouldn't be able to get over is that he is getting off on women that are most likely being exploited. I know my DH has watched porn in the past but I have educated him about how exploitative it is and so he has stopped watching it following discussions.

The fact that people believe there is no harm is watching porn is depressing. The argument about people being exploited in other industries is not comparable. I try my best to purchase products from ethical companies but I am not perfect. The difference is I am not being turned on by their exploitation which you are when you are watching porn which makes it disgusting.

Original poster
Sleepy889 · 30/04/2024 16:50

wetwetdays · 30/04/2024 16:46

I understand that you are upset OP but I can pretty much 100% say that he's probably doing it for a 3 mins kick and then he'll forget about it. I work in this field of addiction and SO many people (men and women) look at porn. I never hear any of them saying that when they close their eyes, they are only imagining the porn star and not their wives/husbands. However, at the end of the day, none of us can ever know what is floating around in someone else's brain.

Regarding the porn sites, they all have a plethora of pop up ads which encourage people to click on them for live shows. Even if someone was just wanting to watch a more vanilla style of porn, they will be inundated with pop ups that they have to swipe off their screens before they can view the film.
I know its easy for me to say, but I really wouldn't worry. I'm sure he loves you and the life you have.

Thank you, this is really helpful.
Last time we talked he said he only 'looked' and actually on his laptop it was just for 3/5 minutes which I found a bit confusing so your post makes sense.

OP posts:
Steamboats · 30/04/2024 16:53

These threads on porn are so predictable.
Some OP starts a thread because she has discovered her partners porn use which she is upset and unhappy about because she often had no idea porn was part of their relationship. In this case OP had already had had a conversation with him telling him it made her feel disrespected, but he went ahead and disrespected her anyway. He was just more secretive about it.
Then we get the usual procession of posters with the ALL men watch porn/ most men watch porn/ porn is normal speil.
Well for a lot of women porn is not normal and not healthy and they do not want it in their relationship.
Op's partner has already been dishonest with her and continued watching but telling her he'd stopped. And now he has moved on to live cam girls I.e a form of sex worker.
OP has to decide whether this is acceptable in her relationship. She cannot tell her partner to stop this behaviour. But she has to decide if she can stay in a relationship with a partner who does.
Personally I would not stay in a relationship with a porn user.

Blueeyedmale · 30/04/2024 16:55

Mom2K · 30/04/2024 15:48

Most men will look at porn. Most of the time it's pretty healthy

Porn isn't healthy actually. It skews the reality of sex, creates false expectations, causes intimacy issues within real relationships. Many people become addicted to it. And while some people might be fine with it within the context of their relationship, there are many who aren't.

It would be much wiser for the general population to stop saying how 'normal' porn is and to actually instead teach the dangers of it and why it should be avoided.

Maybe then we wouldnt have the 'most men do it' situation and all these screwed up relationships as a result.

I have to agree with you,maybe many years ago it was healthy in moderation,but today's porn plays an impact in the way men and boys see women and girls,it can also be quite addictive.as someone who watched it from a very young age,it definitely distorts you view of what a real relationship should be

wetwetdays · 30/04/2024 16:56

@Sleepy889 The more you make this an issue, the more he will hide it. Bear in mind that people use porn for all sorts of reasons such as stress, boredom, loneliness or simply having a sex drive that differs to their partners. This does not mean he loves you any less or is attracted to some middle aged car mechanic called Doris!
:)

KitKatChunki · 30/04/2024 16:58

I am also struggling to understand why someone who works in porn addiction can be apparently so blase about porn. Every professional I know has seen the damage and relational breakups that come from porn addiction and none of them would be saying "it's only a few mins hun, suck it up".

KitKatChunki · 30/04/2024 16:59

wetwetdays · 30/04/2024 16:56

@Sleepy889 The more you make this an issue, the more he will hide it. Bear in mind that people use porn for all sorts of reasons such as stress, boredom, loneliness or simply having a sex drive that differs to their partners. This does not mean he loves you any less or is attracted to some middle aged car mechanic called Doris!
:)

Dance around him OP, pretend and hide it, lie. Don't make the man feel bad or shamed!
All good relationships are based on this.
Bullshit.

Snowflakes1122 · 30/04/2024 17:01

wetwetdays · 30/04/2024 16:56

@Sleepy889 The more you make this an issue, the more he will hide it. Bear in mind that people use porn for all sorts of reasons such as stress, boredom, loneliness or simply having a sex drive that differs to their partners. This does not mean he loves you any less or is attracted to some middle aged car mechanic called Doris!
:)

Yes, just shut up and let the poor man wank over exploited, potentially vulnerable or teen/ young women. If you just keep quiet the poor guy won’t have to hide it. It’s your fault OP. Women’s needs come last. 🙄

Or he could just respect women and his wife’s boundaries.

She isn’t making it an issue. It is an issue.

Steamboats · 30/04/2024 17:01

wetwetdays · 30/04/2024 16:56

@Sleepy889 The more you make this an issue, the more he will hide it. Bear in mind that people use porn for all sorts of reasons such as stress, boredom, loneliness or simply having a sex drive that differs to their partners. This does not mean he loves you any less or is attracted to some middle aged car mechanic called Doris!
:)

So OP just has to put up with his behaviour?
Not much of a relationship anyway where her partner has not even been honest with her. He has already shown his use of porn is more important to him than her feelings in the matter.

KiwiOtter · 30/04/2024 17:08

It is good to see some women with high standards.

Sad to see those amongst us that feel women should keep quiet and quietly suffer from having to ‘allow’ their boundaries to be walked over because of men’s entitlement and misogyny.

And then those that mock or belittle women for not wanting porn in their relationships too, quite often other women - just bizarre.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/04/2024 17:14

Lots of men suffer with erectile dysfunction due to porn, and increasingly this is striking younger men many of whom have never known a healthy sex life or have ever experienced natural arousal with a partner. PP who talk about using porn to “spice up” their Sex life may be glossing over an uncomfortable truth that they struggle to be aroused by their partner. The book ‘your brain on porn’ is a great resource for explaining the science around porn addiction.

Even if someone is not experiencing these issues yet I fail to see how it can be considered “healthy” to stare at a screen masturbating to women who have been coerced into filmed prostitution. These claims are delusional.

wetwetdays · 30/04/2024 17:16

@Steamboats I think a lot of people are absolutely convinced that their other halves don't watch/ or have never watched porn, but can you really know? I guess I'm more blasé because I see this every day and the majority keep it a secret only for it then to blow up when they get caught. The people who talk it through with their partners and understand the reason behind why they are doing, can really make a go of their relationships.
Could you say that you know what your partner is doing 24/7? Do you follow him to the loo each time or sit in his office during a lunch break? Do you look through is phone every day or have a tracker on him whilst he's on a business trip? I'm guessing the answer is no, therefore people are being naive when they think that their partner could never do such a thing.
I want the OP to know that she shouldn't feel inadequate and instead, feel that she can talk things through.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/04/2024 17:16

@wetwetdays people are alcoholics , drug users and gamblers for all kinds of reasons such as boredom, loneliness, stress are we saying to women who come on here with partners with 'those ' issues - it's no big deal love, they all do it, just let them trample all over your boundaries and suck it up?? Or is it the case that we should all be ok with it because in most instances it's 'free' !

Snowflakes1122 · 30/04/2024 17:18

Wow. Lots of people have a problem with people disliking porn, don’t they?