Porn again ..

[Sleepy889]

A couple of years ago, I found porn sites on DH phone to show favourites on safari.
We had a discussion about it, I said it felt disrespectful and I felt betrayed because I can't complete with that.
He said he'd not look again, ofc he did but I know he has an addictive personality so stood to reason it'd happen again
So today when I looked I saw free live girls as one of them and I draw the line at that. I don't exactly know what this entails perhaps someone can enlighten me though I can guess.
I've felt sick all morning about it because other than this we have a lovely life and great relationship.
I can hardly bring it up because he'll know I've been looking, the site in question is X hamster.

It’s literally spelled out in the op already. “I can’t compete with this”. There is no other way than reading comments like this as insecurity.
I understand why someone would have a problem with it if it impacted their sex life, but this aversion to porn/ masturbation is absolutely unhealthy and at times controlling.

but this aversion to porn/ masturbation is absolutely unhealthy and at times controlling.

I’ve not seen a single person make even the slightest hint that they have an aversion to masturbation. It’s got fuck all to do with being puritanical. It’s about having an aversion to the exploitation of women. It’s not about sex. I have no issue with even the wildest of (legal) kinks, knock yourselves out. But there’s absolutely nothing unhealthy about hating misogyny.

@Coshei Obviously you're not addressing any other objections to porn.

You say you find all the “insecure” women ‘hilarious’ who dislike porn in this thread. What does this say about you?

Newsflash - you don’t need porn to wank. No one is objecting to the act itself! Nice to try and tie it in though to make those who oppose porn look unreasonable and controlling.

You can keep on trying to defend porn, but the evidence is there that it causes way more damage than any good you could possibly try to claim it has.

Dear god, the porn threads really do bring all the boys to the yard don’t they? And all of them here to tell any women who aren’t fully enthusiastic about porn, that they’re wrong 🙄

OP I wouldn’t tolerate camgirls either, if I got naked with some guy from work on a zoom call, I don’t think my partner wouldn’t be impressed, and I really don’t see any difference when it’s just dressed up as porn/with a stranger.

You’ve made a lot of assumptions based on my post.

Firstly, one of the male posters has not been particularly respectful by referring to mumsnet as more like nunsnet. I found this comment to be pretty misogynistic. Just because porn isn’t to every woman's (or man's) taste, it doesn’t make them nuns. You can have perfectly healthy and adventurous sex life without porn being involved.

You’ve also assumed that I don’t watch porn - I do actually. But the thread is about the OP and her feelings regarding porn usage in her relationship.

People are entitled to not like porn and the industry that produces it, without being shot down or referred to as nuns.

It's not insecure to not want to compete with porn. It could be argued that women who accept porn are insecure because they think they need to put up with it.

Frankly, I don't have an issue with regular porn use. But I would not be happy with my partner looking at perfectly sculpted women and expecting me to look like that, or behave like a sex goddess. It does screw up your expectations - and allows you to swipe through women like a catalogue.

And even IF a woman is insecure, what kind of partner puts porn above her mental health? Any normal man would stop.

Masturbating is great. Masturbating whilst compulsively looking at internet porn on your phone / laptop is not healthy, it’s grubby and shameful. Getting pleasure from the sexual exploitation of vulnerable young women is grim. Internet porn has ruined healthy sexuality in our society.

This.

I'm against porn in my relationships for this reason.

Men watch porn from too much of an early age before they are developmentally ready for it (if ever) and it alters the brain so intensely. But unfortunately this has become a new 'normal' in society and partners are meant to be ok with it.

Not to mention it is a brutal industry based primarily on the exploitation of women, however women are starting to reclaim this using platforms like onlyfans/ however that still may be seen as controversial and damaging, especially as people have to usually buy into this content which from a relationship stand point could be seen as worse!

A person who feels uncomfortable about it is valid in doing so, porn can be incredibly damaging to not only the person watching it but also to the partner and often their self esteem, no matter how many people tell you not to worry.

I would say the insecure ones are those addicted to porn that feel threatened by women speaking up against it.

Also are the women who accept it because they feel they have to.

Definitely not an insecurity to have, and enforce your boundaries in a relationship though.

And even IF a woman is insecure, what kind of partner puts porn above her mental health? Any normal man would stop.

Own fault when someone decides to check their partner’s phone and then finds something they don’t approve of.

There is nothing worth commenting on

Never the man’s fault, eh?

@Coshei "There is nothing worth commenting on"

Oh, OK. You're a misogynist arse then. And I am not making any assumptions about your sex.

@CurlewKate I don't know if you have noticed but the pro porn posters always blame women's 'insecurities'. They never ever acknowledge any other concerns regarding porn. They just fling words like prude, frigid and compare us to nuns.
Just a little story but I check my daughters phone very regularly. She was added, by another girl, to a group on whats app, where the boys were discussing what they would like to do with a girl. It was terrifying and I'm not going into details but I will never get over what I read. My dd hadn't seen this by the way luckily, as we take her phone off her early evening to wind down and do homework. She is 12.
I am against how easily accessible extreme porn, well any porn is. It is ruining lives and I will stand by that opinion. Those 'boys' writing those messages have no chance of a healthy relationship AT ALL. Just lives of misery and bitterness and that leads to abuse of real life women who are unfortunate enough to cross paths with them. We think it's getting better for young women out there? No it isn't.
Anyhow, sorry for the derail but I can't abide all the it's harmless posters. Maybe for the increasing minority but for the majority, porn usage is a sickness. Its time we opened our eyes to that.

Also the idea we are all insecure if we don't like it. Simply not the case- plenty of us just aren't happy with our partners busily going through these sites like a catalogue multiple times a week in secret - in my case he was very much into women's rights and made comments about sleazy blokes sharing stuff around etc- so basically a good old fashioned hypocrite. Certainly gave me the ick - maybe 50% of women wouldn't give a shit but I reckon 50% would and that's what blokes risk if they are secretive and hypocritical - it killed our sex life as I no longer felt quite the same too- so a viscious circle

I didn't say they all did, not sure what you're lol'ing at.

I said we don't say people shouldn't use cleaners as there have been trafficked modern day slaves, we recognise that is the exception not the norm. You said yes we'll your cleaner is not trafficked so I'm merely pointing out men and women can and do access adult content that is not rape and coercion.

Porn of course is an issue with teens. That s when parents need to parent and check what their kids are accessing online.

Adults should be allowed to view adult content as long as it doesn't impact their relationships. Many do.

@Janiie "Adults should be allowed to view adult content as long as it doesn't impact their relationships. Many do."

Regardless of the impact it might have on the performers of said adult content? You can't seriously mean that?

'I counsel porn/sex addicts so I know a lot about this topic'

You counsel porn and 'sex addicts', why? I'm often puzzled by the term sex addict, isn't it just a name for a serial cheat?

It's like everything in life all things should be in moderation and not adversely affect your life or relationships. Common sense really. However whether the person is overeating, drinking to excess, viewing adult content or serial cheating the issue, imo, is not the subject matter but the person's lack of self control. They always blame 'addiction' and not their lack of boundaries.

This is an old article but very interesting and it explains why porn addiction causes physical brain changes and is not just a simple lack of control.

https://amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/sep/26/brain-scans-porn-addicts-sexual-tastes

Something very odd with the clearly male posters who seem to be able to completely ignore all of the evidence of it changing the brain of boys and men.

I mean, I know they don't care about the abuse of women in porn, but surely the fact they think their pleasure is more important than another human means they care about themselves, and presumably their brain? Those of their sons?

Baffling.

Men 100 - 50 years ago were also beating and raping their wifes, I wouldn't use that as an example

@commonsense12 "Men 100 - 50 years ago were also beating and raping their wifes, I wouldn't use that as an example"

Sorry-don't understand your message.

The free live girls site is a pop up that appears sometimes when you look at a porn site, it doesn’t mean he’s searching for real women to chat to. As for the porn, most men watch it and a lot of women do too, could you maybe ask him to watch porn together and see where the mood takes you?
can you get your head around him watching porn?
a lot of men if they are being honest would admit to just clothes brushing past their penis arousing them, once this happens concentration can become an issue and they feel the need to sort things out, porn is a good visual to speed up this scenario for them