Porn again ..

[Sleepy889]

A couple of years ago, I found porn sites on DH phone to show favourites on safari.
We had a discussion about it, I said it felt disrespectful and I felt betrayed because I can't complete with that.
He said he'd not look again, ofc he did but I know he has an addictive personality so stood to reason it'd happen again
So today when I looked I saw free live girls as one of them and I draw the line at that. I don't exactly know what this entails perhaps someone can enlighten me though I can guess.
I've felt sick all morning about it because other than this we have a lovely life and great relationship.
I can hardly bring it up because he'll know I've been looking, the site in question is X hamster.

This is something I'm having a huge issue with at the moment too. We've been having some problems for the past few months and this caused a case of ED,and it's happened a couple of times since. He claims it's always in his head so now he's stopped even instigating. Thing is, he's looking at porn every other day. We've talked about it and he's told me point blank that he will not stop watching porn and if I decide to leave, good luck in finding someone who doesn't watch it because apparently every man does and it's completely fine 🙄 I tried to compromise by asking if he would watch less and try with me a bit more but this absolutely has not happened and I'm just gutted. Really feel crap about myself, that I'm not enough. It's shit.

@Sleepy889

X Hamster is a regular porn site. It's not webcams.

Pop ups are constant on there and they are Ads for "So and So is waiting for you at a camera" blah blah. No one is doing live cam for free. At least I have never seen.

Your imagination of him watching it "all the time" and comparing it to you is not how it works. People who view porn do not really spend hours on it - and do not see the people as some sort of real objects of attraction.
It's pretty much just a stimulating picture aiding in masturbation.

Has nothing to do with the real life partners and all to do with a quick physical release.

Policing another person's masturbation is unnecessary - unless they prefer that to sex in a couple.

Really - if your physical relationship is good - you do not need to be this involved in how he masturbates. And you certainly do not need to obsess about being compared to porn actresses.

After all - there are a lot more attractive women simply on a street, on a bus, in a shop. Do you obsess about your H seeing - and comparing you to younger, skinnier women in the world? Do you think he imagined someone he saw on a bus in light leggings when he wanks? Etc
If you can see that that would be silly - then it's the same thing about a woman in porn.

@Maestoso ... my thoughts exactly.

Wouldn't bother me.

I consider myself a pretty cynical and world weary person. But you seem to work on the principal all men are liars and all men use porn. That they cannot possibly be telling the truth that they don't use porn. I find that really sad. What a jaundiced view of men.
Of course nobody can say definitively they know everything about their partners but I would hope in a close, loving , and honest and open relationship most women would have some inkling if their partner was using porn.
I agree with you: OP shouldn't feel inadequate. She is not inadequate. In my opinion her partner is inadequate. And deceitful.

Wow op im so sorry you're getting some awful advice here. Although nice to see more are seeing through the absolute bullshit that porn is healthy.

I counsel porn/sex addicts so I know a lot about this topic. I also have read the latest research and studies on it. I have spoken to the leading experts in this field. It's not healthy at all. I'm gobsmacked by the earlier poster who works in addiction and doesn't understand this?

So everyone who wants to argue its healthy please look into the facts. Ofcourse everyone can make their own choices for them and their relationship but the cold hard facts is that porn isn't healthy. Just because you're not aware of the detrimental effects it has on you or others does not make it healthy.

It lights up the brain like cocaine. It changes the neural pathways in your brain. It's a super stimulus that nowhere in normal life would we experience. That's without even mentioning the ethics.

Check out
Your brain on porn website.
Omar minwhalla secret sexual basement
The porn paradox
Op for your support- reddit- love after porn

Pbse podcast
Helping couples heal
Paula Hall- books and UK therapist apsat trained
The naked truth uk apsats.

It sounds like a spam site in all honesty, you get spammy pop ups, there's a chaturbate one too.

I think everyone has a right to masturbate to anything that involves consenting adult humans. But I do consider engaging 1-1 with another person or paying someone for their content to be cheating.

You're not in competition with the women from porn any more than your H is in competition with the men from your romance novels/films. It's fiction.

This is a horrible situation for you.
Sounds as though your partner is addicted to porn and doesn't care. He doesn't care about its affect on you.
So disrespectful to you.
There are decent men out there who don't use porn. Don't let him tell you otherwise.
Anyway it sounds like you would be far better off on your own than you are with him.

@MightyGoldBear - may I ask if you work for The Naked Truth?

This - pop ups spring up all the time, often to meet and interact with girls

Great post - and while its different, it the same principle to buying a mag 30 years ago and stashing it under the mattress.

On the other hand, 😀 I'm happy not to be a married man.
(I'm a married woman).
Seems like ALL the pleasure slowly dries up for them.
Would advise anyone now not to even entertain living with someone else. 😁

In past relationship I have normally had a higher sex drive. I would never let it get in the way of my sex life but if I did want to masturbate I would to that. Its a way that many use (men and women) to get off - if you dont like it thats fine, but many do and it does no harm - until it becomes an obsession, just like many other vices. My ex-wife would sometimes say that she wasn't in the mood that night, so why not just go and crack one off in the lounge and let me get to sleep! It has never been an issue in any of my relationships.

I would just view mainstream stuff, nothing extreme. A lot of porn would have men and women in there and I dont fantasise about him or her. It's just good to watch at that moment! If it's a mainstream site then the people in it want to be there so I do not feel like its exploitation or anything bad.

So if content is 'dodgy', or he is tapping up girls, or it affects their sex life it is bad.

Healthy lol.

There is a 'no fap" movement, because so many young men think, themselves, that's it's unhealthy in a large number of ways.

I saw one write in a forum I frequent that he can't even climax from sex with a real woman .... Because his brain is trained to climax to women with their - visible - legs wide apart; and he cant see enough of their legs/doesn't get the same visual - because he's between their legs when having sex (!)

Then there's guys on the same forum who say they consider extremely rough sex, including sticking their fingers and hands inside the woman's mouth and pulling their mouth open/to the side - to be normal sex, even in the earliest sexual encounters. That's a porn thing.

Lots of things women are now being subjected to during sex (like the expectation of anal, which has gone from rare to par for the course in mainstream porn) are porn things. And most porn things are not comfortable or enjoyable for women.

(If you're a BDSM masochist maybe).

it’s not only the men who watches porn tho as many many women watch it too, it’s just that they don’t admit to it

People who are pro-porn are extremely annoying

Firstly, of course watching porn affects how you see your partner. It's not just a masturbatory aid, you tailor exactly who you want to see what size boobs, hair colour, skin colour, bum, hairy or shaved. It is impossible not to compare a perfectly chosen specimen to your partner. Ffs.

It can be a problem long before the point of obsession. I look at stuff every now and then as a woman. It's SO much better without porn. The feeling, the arousal. Porn is shit, it gives you more - but gives you less. It desensitises you.

I think someone else said: how the fuck can other people have sex on a screen be healthy? So true. Masturbation is healthy. Online porn is not. Nobody aspires to watch more porn if it's so healthy.

There is absolutely nothing 'healthy' about porn. It is 'not harmful' at best.

@Dadjoke007 "If it's a mainstream site then the people in it want to be there so I do not feel like its exploitation or anything bad."

You keep thinking that if it makes you feel better.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/filia-podcasts/id1461524178?i=1000575752991
I was reading an old mumsnet thread last week - actually about how anal sex was becoming mainstream because of its depiction in porn.
Some one posted this link to a podcast about pornography.

Very much worth listening to.

No I dont work for them. However I really recommend the naked truth project to anyone who is seeking help for porn/sex addiction. They incorporate betrayal trauma and the necessary integrity abuse recovery that addicts so desperately need. I've been involved in this field since 2012 when it was niche to say the least. It's still not recognised by the NHS today. Hopefully the tide will be turning soon as its unfortunately an unseen pandemic by most of society especially in the UK. America has much more of a recognised movement. Fight the new drug etc

Triggered much?

Maybe if all these guys think it's so healthy and ok they will of course be 100% upfront about their use of it and level of use of it with their partner at any point and actually allow their partners to decide if it's something they are 100% ok with -

A shift is happening. I feel like a lot of women just can't be arsed with men anymore and having to tolerate all the things they do that make us feel less than.

Some fantastic responses about why porn isn't in fact healthy at all. I am old enough to remember a time before the internet, when porn wasn't easily accessible. Trust me, sex was different. I feel sorry for women who have grown up in this internet generation and know no different.

You work in addiction and you can say 100% that it was just a 3 minute wank?

Have you spoken to the thousands of porn-addicted Sex Addicts Anonymous members who have lost their partners, homes, jobs and children due to porn addiction?

OP I would avoid focusing too much on the comparison with other women when talking to your partner about this. He will focus on that and see it as you having a self esteem issue which will feel quite patronising and is side stepping the issue which is that he has a problem with porn. This is evident by his promise to stop, his failure to do so, and his covering it up / lying to you about that. It’s incredibly addictive, harmful to health as well as to your relationship, and he is hooked. He is the one with the problem, not you.

Anyway OP you have the chance to leave or try therapy. I know plenty of women who have left, as I said earlier, and funnily enough their confidence levels are sky high.

The real losers are men in this situation. They can't get off without visual stimuli, their brain changes making them less able to imagine (what a shit place that must be), they then can't have a proper relationship because the woman doesn't change every time they have sex/wants to talk and have human interactions/ doesn't look or act like they do in porn and then the poor things can't get it up. Young men in their 20s having to use viagra! Of course, that's if they even make it out of the house away from their precious porn device. If they do they run the risk of hurting or killing a new or old partner because choking is in fashion...the frisson of possible arrest for assault, fun! Then if they do find someone willing to put up with it they run the risk of the woman realising after a few years they've had enough and leaving. All they end up with is the porn and a sense it's all women's fault. That's the rising anger we can all sense.

I'm sure wanking is worth that life though, as so many men on here keep trying to convince us.