Dating Thread 248 - Spring is on it's way and so are outdoor dates

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
7. Know your wortH.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@cassiatwenty I did that for about 18m, took a break and focused on my female friendships because I was fed up of being disappointed by men/online dating. For me it was cathartic and I was hugely happier in myself.

I totally agree with the whole focusing on ourselves and female friendships and putting our own mental health first. I am with you @cassiatwenty I want someone who can enrich my life.

Just before I ended up chatting with Mr Email I was planning on taking a break. I'm struggling with the interactions with him in a way purely because he seems so lovely which means it's really hard not to get invested. But I'm keeping it well in mind that it's all bs until it happens. But I am worried we won't click in real life.

I'm also not sure from a practical sense things align. Not sure how important that is. And the very fact that I've just typed that makes me think it probably is quite important.

Sounds disappointing re Mr Sailor @Chocolatefreak but you seem very good at letting them go which is the way to be! It's back to wanting someone who offers enrichment not just a warm body 😆

Sorry re Mr Mag @LittleFloatingGhost but good that at least he let you know and no ghosting.

@cassiatwenty im so glad you have found those podcasts useful. I’ve been relistening and need to read the getting back out there book again. Totally know what she meant about just putting up with shit for the sake of a warm body. Think that’s why I brushed any potential concerns about the cheating under the carpet because I fancied him! My mum even said to me that she thought he was nothing special and didn’t really see what I was so fussed about! I was clouded

So, mr wifi asked if I was free to chat last night after a few days of good messaging. I said yes and he was very chatty, showed emotion to something I told him about my job (which the last one did not at all!), seems to have a good relationship with his family and ex so fingers crossed. I’m not 100% sure whether I’ll fancy him is my worry but I have to get away from this macho type who always turn out to be narcissists. date is tomorrow night.

Saturday night, have another with the other guy who is a bit harder work on text but still interested. So we shall see…

Need some advice I think. I’m getting quite bored on the texting back and forth while waiting on the next date. Date isn’t until next Saturday , and he texts everyday. But there’s only so much I can say without it sounding like I’m just repeating myself every day. I work, have the kids, dinner and bed…

How on earth do we continue this? 🤣😭

I'm in this situation @onlinedatingscrewup, I think it's now been over a week and not meeting until next week but because we exchanged emails to begin with and he is very reciprocal in his communication style it's been easy. Feel like the emails at the beginning meant we exchanged a depth of information that wouldn't have happened via messaging.

Although downside is that I'm emotionally invested in a way that I wouldn't have been if we'd just had a few bland messages and met up quickly. That is definitely my preference. Could you mention it to him maybe. Is he asking you questions?

@cassiatwenty @Mckittens I think we all want someone who can enrich our lives don't we?! Before dating come my son, my job, my interests and my friends and family. OLD is risky and it can be disappointing - since October last year, I've had 25+ dates and out of those, I've had four that developed into slightly more, but weren't sustainable. I find it hard to find someone who lives close enough, has some shared interests, and with those two minimum criteria satisfied, that I actually fancy!! I find it annoying each time I meet someone and find that they have been dishonest about their age or posted unrepresentative photos.

BUT, it is giving me opportunities that I wouldn't have otherwise. I work in a female-dominated profession and even though I do a couple of male-dominated sports, it's still difficult to meet single men. So I continue 😅good luck to us all!

Oh feeling the pain @onlinedatingscrewup my life is so boring - have you had a good day? Yep, I’ve sat look ing at a laptop all day, run around after my kids, cooked dinner and nothing else to say!! I had an impromptu call with the one for tomorrow but not heard from him since so hoping he doesn’t mess around as I need to fake tan tonight if I’m out tomorrow.

i have a question - I’m not very good at keeping options open and feel guilty. If you have planned dates with one or two, are you still keeping options open and messaging on the dating apps? I’m a bit rubbish at that and feel bad even though they probably are!!

@Bestlife18 YES! Please keep your options opened.

I've not followed this and gotten burnt one too many times now. So I'm keeping all my options open until the guy asks me to either be exclusive /his GF .

It's hard not to become overly invested because you end up sharing a lot about yourself. But continue talking to others.

I've accepted a couple more dates and although I'm feeling one particular guy specifically, what's not to say he's not going to hurt/ghost/ block me ?

Everyone seems lovely and perfect and then it comes out of no where so my BD radar is up constantly

@Bestlife18 I'm trying to keep my options open. But I'm feeling really guilty which is ridiculous because the whole idea of a dating site is that you chat to and meet multiple people.

As well as Mr Email, I'm chatting with two others, one of whom I actually really quite like the sound of, will call him Mr TV. But it's just via the app & only a few messages but might suggest moving to WhatsApp. We had actually exchanged a couple of messages a few months back and then he went alway on a ski ing holiday and sent a couple of photos and I wrote him off as not my type. But he popped back up again and the chat so far has been good.

So yes I would say definitely try and keep options open and meet them all if possible. But I'm no good at taking my own advice!

@onlinedatingscrewup you are absolutely right, I’m actually listening now to a mean lady talking podcast about not over sharing on dates with people! you are absolutely right, these people can and will just disappear without giving us a second glance.

In just feel bad looking on the app and then knowing I’m on the app! Tbh, apart from the two I’ve moved to hopefully a real date and what’s app to chat, the rest of the likes and messages are bloody awful!!

@Mckittens i know, I feel the same!! I’ve always jumped in too soon and hung my hat on one person after one date. I’ve never given it a couple of weeks to see more than one person! So I have to do this differently.

i am not convinced tbh about either of these 1) good banter but not sure I’ll fancy him and 2) he’s a bit quieter but that might not be a bad thing! I’m 5 years older than him too so might be too young for me. I’ve only ever gone young once!

@Bestlife18 I'm not sure about going younger either. I have chatted to some younger ones but not sure about the reality of being the older woman. But there certainly has been a few offers!

I've got two new potentials now as well, not sure I can juggle 4 chats at once but might give it a try 😆

@Mckittens and @Bestlife18 ive dated a few that are younger briefly. One I definitely would not have known he was younger, quite ambitious, similar aged children etc.
Currently had a few dates with younger guy and it’s been the best so far from my year of dating but we may be at different points in life. But it won’t be an issue anytime soon by the sound of things…

I found that older men can be attractive and look distinguished but can also be jaded and have a lot of baggage (saying stuff like "my bitch ex-wife"). Especially if theirs generation where it's okay for a man to be the boss and women was to serve him.

With guys in their early 30's and mid to late 20's I have found that they are much more hopeful, open-minded and innocent when it comes to relarionships. Sure they can be a bit more immature, too.

I think as much as SM can be toxic, I have found a lot of "younger" people to be aware of sexisim, talking about green and red flags.

Not all older men are set in their ways but I did find this "chop chop, make me a sandwich" attitude more prevalent there whereas younger men were less like that.

An update from me following all of your good advice! After 4 days NC, I sent a message yesterday just saying I hoped he was ok, and (stupidly) I asked for clarification on what was going on with us. He sent quite a stern reply saying I hadn't respected his wishes of time & space, everyone deals with issues differently etc. So I've now deleted our 6 months of chat, all our pics, and his number. So I now have no way of contacting him again, and if what he says is true, then it's up to him to get in touch. Although tbh after yesterdays reaction to me, I wouldn't be bothered either way. Deleting him has definitely helped already

Omg I know, I keep forgetting what I have said to which one and details about them! I’m bound to slip up 😂

exciting - let’s see whether these guys are any good!

@katmunchkin well done, it’s bloody hard as I know all too well from last week but it’s the only way to go.

I have wasted hours of my life over the years ruminating and social media checking on boyfriends and it isn’t worth it. Easier said than done I know. You’ve made massive steps forward though

Yeah this one guy has a kid older than mine and seems to be in same life space so that’s good. I’m also thinking the same as @cassiatwenty - these bloody guys I am finding in their 50s have years of narcissistic bs and baggage and they have all been a nightmare so I have to switch it up.
Definitely has to be worth a shot and for me, I have got to move away from the type I always fancy which are macho, alpha male types as they all turn out to be bonkers!

Yes the Jay shetty podcast mentioned not always going for your type and trying to have at least 3 dates with each person. A few I’ve come across one was definitely enough though! 😂 I’ve changed my type but still like a bit of macho with personality. Yes the less baggage younger ones seem a better option! Fingers crossed!

Thanks @Bestlife18 - I've loved every second of the last 6 months, and loved the idea of the potential future that we discussed. But I don't love the present - how he's currently making me feel. So the plaster was ripped off!

It’s such a cruel thing that they do - this future faking is awful. We all do it to a degree but the degree in which they deliberate use it to manipulate and create a false sense of security is so destructive. Wishing you the best of luck. @Tillievanilly thats interesting, I will see if I can find those podcasts. I have never done 3 dates without making some sort of commitment to someone so here’s to making that a thing to change!

My positive feeling about Mr Modern has taken a considerable hit. People tend to relax quickly around me because, in my friend's word, "she will not judge". I do judge, dude, it's only our 7th date. In my head he has been knocked off from "bf potential" to "ehm... we have just met". Does he even realise I was unhappy? Was my message clear? I hope he's astute enough 🤦‍♀️

@katmunchkin well done for leaving him, definitely the right decision from the sound of it 😉 I agree with you about the memory part. While I don't want to look back to the guys I dated (isn't that why we broke up?), I still treasure the memories. At least we will have a story to tell!

@katmunchkin he sounds so like my ex. Maybe there is a 'script' of sorts for these men. He absolutely destroyed me as a person. Its taken months and months for me to even feel good about myself again. I see now he was a manipulator but then I did not and this lasted years. It is so hard.

@Tillievanilly I agree one date with most of the ones I have met has been more than enough 😆 I did try with the knitter in terms of going on another one but with hindsight I only did that because I found him physically attractive, I cut the first date short and said I needed to get home because I wasn't feeling it but then when he suggested meeting again I thought why not, he is hot after all. But it was never destined to be and I should just have gone with my gut instinct and saved time.

@katmunchkin totally sounds like you have done the right thing deleting him. No matter what is going on for him, it's no way to treat someone you've been close to for 6 months. And if he has done it now even if he were to come back he would do it again. Horrible for you though.

Last day or so I've not been so sure about Mr Email. I think it's just that we've been chatting for too long now. I'm getting irritated by it. I think he is quite invested now as well which is making me feel bad in advance. Again totally don't think I'm cut out for the world of old.