Dating Thread 248 - Spring is on it's way and so are outdoor dates

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
7. Know your wortH.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Bestlife18 re the school dad - I’m a teacher and an ex (married) parent was on there (and ‘liked’ me - wtf!) plus a current parent (not married). Sadly I’ve seen two friends (both married) on there. I ended up letting one of them know I’d seen his profile and he hasn’t spoken to me since!!

@Bestlife18 what an arsehole. Well rid.

That's all just taken me a while to catch up on, you guys have been chatty!

So sorry @Bestlife18 what an absolute bastard, I too would think it is highly likely there will be a hideous backstory re his ex leaving him. So whilst it's awful what's happened at least you know now rather than wasting any more time on him. But it doesn't take away from how shit it is. I hope you've got something nice planned for today, you need to be kind to yourself.

@LittleFloatingGhost good news re MrMsg long May the good communication continue!

My serial messager continues to be lovely via messages. He had initially suggested messaging off the app but via email which I thought was maybe a bit odd at the time and wondered if it was a red flag, looking for them everywhere! But I figured maybe it was just because he was a bit older or that he had dodgy experiences with on line dating, his profile specified no ONS or FWB.

Anyway I went with the email thing and it seems to have worked really well, definitely exchanged a good bit of information (no obvious red flags) that wouldn't have happened via text and feel like I've got a sense of him. It's kind of felt like having an old fashioned pen pal exchanging a letter each day!

He is away for the weekend, and he told me that, wouldn't have his laptop so now we have gone to WhatsApp.

My only hesitation is that It does feel a bit like the situation with the one that I messaged for three weeks straight and then disappeared before we even met. I said I wouldn't do that again but I'm in virtually the same situation. Although it's not been as long & this one does seem more stable/ feels like he is genuinely looking for the same kind of thing as me.

Good luck to anyone who does have a date this weekend that I've missed.

Omg that’s just awful!! How stupid are these men! Yeah I checked with my friend guy is still married!!

To lighten the mood, saw this and thought how useful this would be for OLD 😂😂

😂😂

Hi @Mckittens i am probably not most objective right now but the email thing would concern me. I am instantly thinking it’s easier to hide an email than a msg coming through on a phone for example.

i dont know - see how it goes on what’s app maybe ??

yeah im out today, not really feeling like a girls afternoon out but hey Ho!!

@Bestlife18 so sorry to hear what you've just been through. Your instincts were correct. He just added insult to injury with his gaslighting. I hope you can bounce back.

@Mckittens I guess it's good to remember that it's all bs until it actually happens - however maybe he used email to avoid the over messaging that it's easy to do? Maybe he was trying to stop himself becoming over-invested?

I had a weird experience with a guy who looked and sounded great. We were in the middle of setting up a date when he decided he couldn't wait for me to confirm the next day and blocked and deleted me. I get that he was probably frustrated at not being prioritised but I explained that I couldn't immediately confirm. 🤷🏼‍♀️ a bit sudden but I'll chalk it up to experience.
Chatting to another guy who lives quite near which is all I can manage at the moment. This is a man from Feeld- let's see if he is as transparent as we are led to expect from this site. Mr Sailor for one of his hobbies.

Thanks @Chocolatefreak yep was a tough one. I’m trying to learn a bit from this though and not get too overly invested by letting text messaging build up a false sense of security. Trying to think about how many times I actually saw him in person over the past few months. Need to learn from this one.

sounds like you dodged a bullet with one like my arsehole with the way he behaved because you didn’t dance to his tune

just checking your Mr Sailor from Feels isn't a guy who usually works on a boat for most of the year and then comes back just for short periods? If so, would advise avoiding! 😂

I also had a warning about a sailing guy! SE? Somewhere beginning with M?

@Bestlife18 don't be too hard on yourself in all of this 💐

@DippingAToeIn @RosieAway I don't live in the UK. And he definitely lives here and this is a hobby, not a job. But thanks for the warning!

We can't meet this weekend because he's sailing and next week I have an event with late nights so wouldn't feasibly be able to meet until earliest Weds or Thurs for a quick drink. Then I'm away next weekend so if we can sustain the interest until we eventually meet it will be a miracle!

@Bestlife18 I hope you’re doing ok and have found some nice things to do for you this weekend. I had a similar experience and it hurts but it gets better. Lucky escape!

On a positive note I had the best first date this weekend and feel positive and smiley every time I think of him! Fingers crossed for good things for everyone x

Has anyone gone on a date with someone they haven’t exchanged numbers with and only spoken with on the app?

Meant to meet up this evening but he’s not asked for my number. I’m expecting him not to show and stand me up. We only started talking this week but I just find it odd.

I definitely prefer to get someone’s number, usually once we have arranged a date. @onlinedatingscrewup I hope he shows!

I've decided not to go. I only live a 10 minute walk away from where were meant to meet. And he's messaged on the app saying he's heading there now.

But I've got a gut feeling there's something up. I've had a terrible experience before.

Go with your gut for sure.
I remember someone who wouldn’t chat or voice note, changed the date of our drinks and then less than an hour before we were due to meet, deleted our chat on the app completely. Thank goodness I hadn’t left the house!

What happened? Did you hear from him?

I’d have probably gone as used to only give number out after we’d first met… but yes, gut instinct is there for a reason

I've met a few guys just using the app and not exchanging numbers..it's been fine for me. But I agree, go with the gut!

Yeah that's weird @onlinedatingscrewup

It just makes sense to exchange numbers in case there are some last minute change of plans or just to recognize each other

Thanks @Tillievanilly - I’ve just got back now from an afternoon and evening out with the school mums who have had it all tonight! I’ve gone back to the getting past your breakup book and podcasts tbh and need to get back to it all to get over it. Even though it was a short time, the mind fuckery and the future faking has messed with me.

So sorry that you have endured this too but - amazing news about your date! Sounds fantastic - we need some good news!

MrMsg and I have continued messaging, there was a little confusion at one point with all of the back and forth, so we had a chat - Something I wasn’t going to do, but
made sense in this situation. We spoke for nearly two hours!

Actually pleased we spoke as there were things I couldn’t have asked in a public settings, which I did last night. No pink flags anymore, but a couple of shared reservations - distance and my kids/co-parenting challenges. Both of which impact time availability, his kids are adults, so big difference.

@Bestlife18 I know totally agree the email thing did seem odd and much easier to conceal than messages so definitely a possible red flag. No one has suggested it before but i think in this case it may have been as @Chocolatefreak suggested he was just being wary himself, holding back until he had more of a sense of me maybe. We've now been using WhatsApp since Friday and good amount of messages at all times of day so I'm not worried about him not being single.

I do want to meet up with him soon though because I can feel myself getting invested and thank you @Chocolatefreak for reminding me it's all bs until it happens. I really need to keep that at the forefront of my mind.

@Tillievanilly that is such good news! How exciting. Had you been chatting to him long or was it a quick first meet up? Have you got plans to meet again?

@LittleFloatingGhost that is also a really positive update! Have you got plans to meet up? The guy I've been chatting with has grown up kids whereas mine are still very much at home and will be for some time and there is also a bit of distance thing to contend with but not too far just not the same town/city.

Hope you doing ok today @Bestlife18

Thanks @Mckittens yeah - I actually went back through all of the msgs today with him, took ages but I looked for the signs of the narcisssistic shift, red flags, etc and yes I found them. All the “I can’t believe I feel like this after such a short time” and “”it’s mad it feels like I’ve known you for ages”, future faking, yes I missed them. Very little genuine interest in anything I said. So I was brave and hit delete on it all.

not been sleeping well so hopefully it’ll all settle again. It’s nuts how badly this affects you. It is like a playbook though - I could literally see how he got pissed with me, then began the process of the discarding and replacing with new supply by signing himself back into match. Could see it all with the language changing subtly too. Next time - do what they say in my book - take it slowly, cultivate, observe. Watch very carefully cos I didn’t see it and I’ve lived with some master narcs!

Glad switching to what’s app has worked - phew!!!