Dating Thread 248 - Spring is on it's way and so are outdoor dates

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
7. Know your wortH.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Another thing I wanted to share in case people dont know already, there's another dating app for single parents called Even. I hadn't even heard of it, but thought I'd just let all know If you wanted to try.

Yeah I get this feeling. I think it's because the minimum contact reminds us that we want more so it emphasises that loneliness.
Some people are bad texters though and great in real person! I think you sometimes need to accept people for however they are or move on if it's not what you want.
It's very hard though 💜

I also wouldn't dream of video or phone calling. I just feel like I'd die of embarrassment and need a bottle of wine beforehand and then probably come across as a drunk 😅

@newdater32 never heard of it, will keep it in mind.

Matched with someone last night and we have been messaging since - he is a great communicator! I’m not going to suggest a call or FaceTime this time as I went through a spate of writing people off and also the first in person date became a little mundane. We are meeting next week, so I’m looking forward to it. Will call him MrMsg 😂

This is great!! We need some positive news!

my mum hit the nail on the head yesterday and it’s that tech has destroyed relationships basically. She is right! You met up and saw people in person, none of this angst over misreading intentions of text, no sitting waiting by a phone. I did get ghosted in real life when I was 19 by a guy I was seeing who just didn’t turn up to a date but was much simpler without all this bs and social media to sit and obsess over too

So I finally have a date booked for tomorrow afternoon, and another one booked for tomorrow evening. Not sure if it's the best idea , but both will be first dates, and I cannot do weekdays . so not expecting to stay a very long time.

I've also joined Feeld ... want to know how people's experience is going on that.
I think im a bit shy to actually meet but really want to.

Thank you for your comment @blacksocks33 that's very wise. Yeah that minimum contact definitely reminds us how we want more, how some people aren't great at texting but come off better in person, and how you just need to accept someone as they are or move on. 💜

That's why I laugh and joke when men go NO DRAMA !!!* because I seldom have drama with women or overthink people's intentions. I seldom go on MN and have moments of drama (well, since I stopped posting on AIBU this is even better 😅)

This is why having female friendships is hugely important. I never heard of women acting pushy and demanded a man for his pictures or something else.

Your mum is right @Bestlife18 ! Technology is supposed to make our lives simpler, but I feel like OLD added so many layers of difficulty with profile pics/social media (I don't recall the last time I met someone and became friends using US social media but hey ho it's social)

What I did learn is almost always to have important conversations face to face and never over text or phone.

Also relationships take time. The other person needs to miss you and you need to miss them and feel safe and comfortable -- but a lot of these apps rob you of that because you have to forge a connection as soon as possible with someone and a lot of this takes away the fun.

Dating is supposed to be this honeymoon period of relationships, now because of OLD the begging is the most stressful one.

Ladies massive update. Friend just called and sent me a pic from 3 days ago of my alleged bfs match profile which was active today !! So the bastard has been on it since turning weird.

I messaged him with a pic and ? Saying “is this a glitch or wtf?!” I got a torrent of abuse back saying wtf, I have asked you over and you have ignored me, how he isn’t putting up with any more of this shit and then a pic of him logging into match!!

What a total psychopath - how the hell did he hide this so well??!

I think for example exchanging snail mail is a great idea to meet different people and build a relationship or friendship in a wholesome way but that's no longer "cool".

Now there are apps like TikTok as "social" media but I genuinely wonder how many people actually forge friendships based on so little information and in that short span of time.

@Bestlife18 Oh my word 😧 That is so wrong and disrespectful. He's just creating chaos and drama himself right now. I can't believe him. You deserve better. So much better.

@Bestlife18 I swear to god you are dating my ex. I know we are not in the same country but that would be him. You are well rid. I am so sorry though it is so awful when they do shit like this.

@onlinedatingscrewup I've also quite recently joined Feeld and given up for the normal apps for a while. I didn't have any exciting matches for a while, it got bit boring. But I'd still like some fun (FB/ FWB) , Feeld is better but it's also got all sorts. Btw, I'm a regular poster here but changed my username.

@Bestlife18 I've just read all your updates, you're definitely too good for him and better off without him!

@Bestlife18 OMG WTF?!?!?!

So he's been caught out and had a go at YOU about to?! And then sent you a pic of him logging on to match?!
I don't have words!!!
I hope this vile behaviour is going to make it easier for you to move on from him!!!!!!!!!

@Bestlife18 aghh. So sorry. Wish I was shocked but very similar happened with an ex I met via OLD. Only mine denied it, even though he “liked” a friend of mine. And abused ME for it. What a psycho - your gut knew at least, it knows before we catch up. It also makes it very hard to trust anyone I met via OLD though. It’s like they’re addicted to the endless possibilities/validation. Urghhh. Big hugs

@RosieAway thats exactly what this tool did - he tried to deny it but it was a different profile pic than the one he had when he met me and it must be about 15 years old!

@blacksocks33 yep - absolutely shocking behaviour. Even my narcissistic ex h wasn’t as nasty.

@Day99 and @Psychoticbreak the scary thing is, I have now had 5 narcissists on the bounce. I have changed the way I write my profile and stuff and still finding the bastards.

i will share this with you - he’d blocked me and I realised he had some important stuff of mine, so I emailed him. I asked what caused such a dramatic change basically and called him out on thinking I was a fool with the whole being caught on match again. It’s absolutely the writings of a sociopath, I have no idea how he held this in for so long given the vitriol in this, also asked what caused the shift. For ref, I asked if he could take me to help with my car service. I also offered for my dad to do the return to pick it up because I sensed he had gone weird!!

It really is the words of a total psycho imo.

“This is priceless. Absolutely no problem what so ever.

Last Friday I was pissed off that you just assumed I'd do the pick up of your car as well in the afternoon without asking. You'd only asked me to do the drop off in the morning. But being the bloke that i am, that's what I did.
I wasn't going to say anything but as we're here and now you may as well know.

They weren't joke requests to come over this week at all. You just seemed to have excuses after I'd been running up and down to yours for months.

I'll sort your things including your bottle don't worry.

Please don't contact me again. You're not the person I thought you were.”

Always twisting things around, your words and actions etc. Sounds exactly like my ex. It is horrible. It messes with you so much and I have spent so long and still actually trying to understand how I let a man get into my head so much. You deserve better you really do.

@Bestlife18 lol. “You’re not the person I thought you were” is also word for word what I got. Is there some narc textbook? I read it as “I’M not the person you thought I was - and now that you’ve busted my cover, I’m out”

Really? Do you think they go to some sort of night class for it? This gets worse, I’ve just found one of the dads from my sons school on match!! He’s married!!! 😳

I feel the same - I thought after my exh I could spot them a mile off. It’s really worrying tbh now.

what scares me the most with this one is the shift so quickly. Literally overnight because I dared ask if he’d take me 10 miles down the road to a garage on his day off! After the cf sat in my house being pampered with expensive food and drink whilst he had a house full of shit. Absolute cf!!! I’m now getting mad

@Bestlife18 oh I'm so sorry that this has happened.
Take the time you need to breath. Just because he's a nasty person, doesn't mean you feeling hurt is wrong or bad. It also doesn't mean they are all like that or this so where your love story ends. You'll learn about yourself from this. You'll go into your next match with different boundaries. He's going to continue being an idiot but you're going to move onwards and upwards 💜

That is cruel and scary behaviour indeed @Bestlife18 Classic DARVO. Good thing your friend saw that I was a bit worried that you’d even invited him over the other night. He didn’t deserve any more chats before he had explained himself. Communication is everything and it was clear from his recent string of confusing texts and silences he was looking for a way out.

He has moved on to the gaslighting stage and just wants you to believe he isn’t the bad guy and that you caused the demise of your relationship by your actions ,despite the fact he was literally caught on Match.

Thanks @blacksocks33 - well at least I don’t need to waste anyone else’s time trying to analyse him.

its a good lesson though for anyone thinking they might be love bombed. I wasn’t sure and I brushed a couple of things under the carpet because I fell for a fairly good looking guy. Also, to trust our gut. I knew instinctively last week when he started being weird something was off. You just know

Re. Video calls I don’t like them either.
one guy asked for them and I said no, and then a few weeks later just a week before we were meant to meet - without any warning he video called me via WhatsApp.

He had voice called me a few times before that over that month, so when I saw the phone ring and his name pop up I didn’t realise it was a video call this time and I picked up.

I had no makeup on, was in my pyjamas and on day one of my period. When I realised I was on video I hung up and texted him to ask what was he playing at. He tried to pretend I’d not told him I didn’t do video calls. He knew but just tried to override my boundaries. It really annoyed me so I just cut him off and cancelled the upcoming date.

I know, she checked on Sunday for me and he wasn’t on it then. It was when he disappeared this week. I actually think he is incredibly thick as well - it’s even a different profile pic that he has on there to the one he had when he met me, one that has sunglasses on and looks all macho, must be 3 stone lighter lol.

Tbh, I was only calling his bluff as I knew he was messing about and wouldn’t have come over. The switch is frightening though.

What a nasty shock but I bet’s you’re glad you did your detective work. These men trying to play games with women are painfully stupid, first thing they do when looking for a new woman is get on a dating site where anyone can see them.

Were you guys “officially” in a relationship?

(Not that it makes it acceptable what he did if you weren’t)

Yeah he sounds very unpredictable and cold “please don’t contact me again” 😳 don’t be surprised if you find out some really bad stuff from his exes friend.