Dating Thread 248 - Spring is on it's way and so are outdoor dates

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
7. Know your wortH.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Bestlife18 this sounds like a v good plan re secret weapon. I'd bet that it is highly likely that if his ex left him it was for good reason. I often wonder what the poor women my ex has been dating think when they learn that me and the kids left the family home, that we jointly owned. And which he still lives in, having totally screwed me over. Sorry rant over but suspect there may be a backstory that you haven't been told or given a version of.

@Lovemusic82 totally agree with @Bestlife18, if he is annoying you to that extent on date 3 then it can only get worse.

On a lighter note, how did it escape me that love island was back on, I mean it's not MAFs but still deserving of the frazzles coming back out 😆 pretty certain the one I'm chatting to is not into reality TV in any shape or form.

Think the one I was chatting to when MAFs was on was a professor and this one is some kind of accountant I think but we do seem to have other stuff in common so am feeling hopeful.

Although your situation @Bestlife18 is making me think what are we doing, it's fraught with difficulties and pain 🙁

I've been also on the receiving end of lies such as "I lost my phone/something was wrong with my sim card" and I fully believed it 🤣

Person who wrote a book "He's Just Not That Into You" wrote a couple of interesting stories how men, when they are really keen on you, find a way to be with you no matter the obstacles or how busy they are.

I agree @cassiatwenty - it does make sense but yeah that’s all you need to tell a woman to put away her fears.

I’ve listened to the whole audiobook this week and what he doesn’t say is anything about men who just disappear and their rubber band goes with them - he just assumes that every man is going to come back out of his cave when he is ready to

Definitely @Mckittens my ex bf who screwed me over told me all sorts about how he’d come home and his wife told him it was over. I found out after he did the same to me that he’d been shagging her best friend!! Kept it secret for 2 years.

This shit does make you wonder why we bother. I’ll be really interested to see if anything now comes back via the mutual contact.

@cassiatwenty I know - it felt like bs at the time but he isn’t that clever to realise that he was seen online! Funny that

Yes I have definitely fallen for some bullshit aswell!
I was dating a guy at the start of the year who was very enthusiastic. He then started being weird with texts. They would show as read but he'd never reply until like a day or so later when he'd send a random message! He claimed he'd only received the message at that stage and something must've been wrong with WhatsApp! So we starting texting on text and then he ghosted me when we were arranging another date!
How and why did I fall for this 🙈

Ffs. I had one prior to this who set a date up, then disappeared so it never happened. Then he text me out of the blue, I gave him a second chance and he did it again! But phoned me with some ridiculous excuse!

So - preparing to send my text at 8.15 just before I get a message - guess who from?! So it was a “hi, how are you, mad couple of days. Are you coming over tonight?” 🤯

I mentioned possibly being able to go over thurs night after the joking incident on tues and heard nothing since!! Man alive.

Oh god...... what did you reply?

@Bestlife18 whaaaaaat?! Have you replied?

@Bestlife18 Unfortunately it seems he’s well into the playing games stage. By sending that text he’s doubling down on his confusing erratic communication and checking you’re still accessible to him, as well as pretending he’s did nothing wrong.

I know it’s easier to say when you’re not the one in the relationship, but I’d think about letting this one go. If you do want to give him a chance, at least have a serious chat before you go over again.

Don’t chase him. Ask him to ring you then ask why he didn’t answer the call the other night and then went quiet for 2 days for a start. Don’t let him pretend as if nothings happened.

I agree with @Tamigotxh

I suppose now there is this sense of relief (which naturally feels good) but I do feel like he's minimising his behaviour with texting "mad couple of days"

Sorry but he seems like such a CF, he put you through this incredible state of stress and now he's dowplaying it. I would make up and let him crack on quietly if this is possible.

Relationships should be about collaboration not power moves and pushing each other's buttons

hRelationships should be about collaboration not power moves and pushing each other's buttons

This. Totally. Learned too late in my case, but as the wise PP said, you. An only see it even you are not in it 😕

So ladies I threw it back at him for now, knowing he is going away and also trying to not behave how he probably expected me to. I replied with something like yeah me too, I have the kids now but just come straight over here and stay here tonight!

he replied saying he was shattered, didn’t have any of his stuff, thought I was going over after I had been to a hair apt (I was meant to have one last night but it got cancelled so he must have absorbed part of my original msg). “Not to worry!”

my reply to that was well when you’re back from the exercise, let’s get back to better planning and prioritising spending quality time together. Didn’t get a reply to this one!

Seriously did he think I was sat there all day with my bag packed waiting to spring into action and jump! When I offered the thurs night alternative back at the start of the week, he never even responded to it. So there’s two things for me here 1) he’s a playing tw*t and has hidden it well til now. 2) he is an absolute useless piece of crap who cannot handle stress or communicate which is why he’s an attractive guy at 50 single. I’m currently unsure. Either are not good enough and he has now marked his cards with me.

Ill send him a good luck msg this morning before he goes away but at least now maybe this 2 week reset will help me to loosen the ties and prepare to let go.

he’s an attractive guy at 50 single.

This! Sounds like the reason…😟

@VanillaSox yes and I’m hoping to get the insight from my friend about the ex wife as well so that will also be helpful. Don’t know why I didn’t ask sooner but it’s been hard going into a new relationship not taking all of the mistrust from the past with me!

@Bestlife18
I think he’s a playing tw#t unfortunately :(
He has deliberately not properly arranged to see you, and then contacted you at the last minute to keep you hanging, knowing you wouldn’t have been able to come that late in the day.
Going away for two weeks or not, I’d be asking him what has been going on the last few weeks if you’re in a relationship. But I think you’re right in pulling yourself away from him now, sorry.
50!!! What is wrong with people?
I’m so sorry for you. I’ve had similar recently, not to that extent and I wasn’t going to fall in love with him but the very minute my gut told me he was messing, I nipped it in the bud and left the ‘relationship’. It was really tough but I’m glad I did it, although think about him daily.

Yep I think you are right sadly. Just a massive headf*ck tbh. It’s made me so crazy this week with all the anxiety it’s caused. I’m sorely tempted to get myself back on match this weekend…

@Bestlife18 Get yourself back out there so you’re not ruminating on him. He’d have had a few seconds to update his friends/family no matter how “crazy” his week, so he’s messing you around. You did well to throw it back at him. From experience, extract yourself now to avoid serious heartache/head f@ckery

@Bestlife18 In your position I would match his behaviour. I wouldn’t wish him good luck either! I don’t buy the phone in the washing machine excuse tbh. I would be more honest. “It seems our communication has changed and I appreciate good communication. I’m not sure where we are heading and it’s confused me. Maybe you could let me know what you think. I need more notice to meet up as I can’t change plans at the last minute etc” He will likely run or you will get an honest answer. I had a guy I dated for a similar amount of time change his behaviour turned out he’d started dating others without telling me. He did still message etc but he was trying to keep me hanging just in case I expect!

@RosieAway and @Tillievanilly yep you are right - and to update, he just replied to my good morning msg with a “I’m a bit disappointed you didn’t come over again though”. Thank you - you have just given me absolute confirmation. I called back - won’t answer. That’s all this was all about.

This bad communication is typical. Got stuck chatting with someone who gives me just this bare minimum of chatting and interaction. I thought he would let me go but he is still responding.

But this just oddly makes me feel even more lonely and empty.

I don't know if I will guilty of I block him because I am fond of this idea of him but I don't see how this is sustainable.

@cassiatwenty its really hard, I totally feel you. I would say if it’s possible and you aren’t as far invested as I’ve been, try going now. It’s so bad for your mental health. They just give you enough to keep you hanging.

i just don’t understand with mine the massive switch. He’s been so consistent.

@Bestlife18 Thank you for that xx

It's true, it's a tad tricky. It's good to talk and support each other on here. I think we all learn as we go.

100% @cassiatwenty and married friends don’t get it!! They are immune from the nonsense!!

This! 100% they've jinxed me. First time we spoke on the phone, I thought it went well, then on the day we were meant to meet he blocked me !
Second guy , spoke on the phone , again great phone call, made plans to meet at the weekend, and told him explicitly I couldn't to evening he said that was fine he was free afternoon. then on the day he tries pushing it to late at night. I said no and he blocked me! 😂

I just want to say that if you do have a call, please keep it minimal! The entire point of a first coffee meet is to have a nice long chat. Dont allow anyone to waste your time! cut off at the first point of red flag raised.