Am I aggressive or just passionate?

[Wormworld7]

When is it okay to police somebody's personality?

This morning when discussing a totally irrelevant fact about babys vs animal intelligence, my interest piqued a little and I got a little passionate in conversation about how I felt about something within the conversation. This may or may not make any sense, but the topic is irrelevant, as it was so minor, to me was light hearted, not that deep, just a passing topic that touched on a subject of unjustness that bothers me.

I was eating porridge at the time and my partner stopped me in my tracks, just a few comments in, to say I was being aggressive, angry, shouting and waving my hands around aggressively. I wasn't. I genuinely wasn't. I have a strong voice. A strong sense of self and I carry my opinions as such, when I have them. I wasn't arguing against any point, simply just expressing my own view excitedly, and passionately, but also in a lowkey not too fussed kind of way, because I wasn't that bothered. It was just a fun conversation.

I was really hurt by being told I'm "too much" and I felt massively misunderstood. I didn't feel anger. I wasn't being aggressive. It was literally just a passing chit chat. He told me I don't know how to chill and have a nice peaceful morning. I was upset with being told I shouldn't be myself. I felt very much that this is what he was saying.

He said that I should respect how he felt, and he felt I was being aggressive. I said that's unfair, because I didn't intend to come across that way, and I meant no harm, but I felt attacked.

He said it being my "personality" is just an excuse and I should take accountability. What for?

I sobbed my heart out. I honestly feel like it should be considered a good quality of mine. I felt like he just doesn't like me and who i actually am.

We've spent all day now with him saying I've ruined his day, but I'm not sure what I actually did to ruin it?!

Can somebody really tell another person to tone it down when they're just being themselves, harmlessly? Can somebody really tell me I'm being aggressive, when I know that's not what i felt?

Honestly? I think you've both over reacted.

You were being passionate. He suggested you calm down. You've been sobbing ever since and thinks he wants to change you/doesn't like you. He says you've ruined his day.

You've both overreacted massively.

He experienced you as aggressive

Maybe a bit of self-reflection?

If it is something that you're not especially bothered about, is there any need to be passionate about it?

Save that for things that matter to you? Then maybe he won't switch off and/or get defensive when there's no need?

See, to me, these two sentences :I wasn't arguing against any point, simply just expressing my own view excitedly, and passionately, but also in a lowkey not too fussed kind of way, because I wasn't that bothered. It was just a fun conversation. are a bit contradictory

In my experience, a lot of this sort of difference has to do how we have been brought up. Some people grow up in houses where passionate arguments are the norm, other people grow up in much quieter households where there is very little disagreement. Both think their norm is "normal" - neither is wrong.

He suggested I calm down, but i wasn't uncalm. He told me that I was doing all this exaggerated stuff that I wasn't doing. That did start to trigger me to then be actually upset. Being told youre doing something that youre not is frustrating. I don't think I've over reacted to being told I need to minimise myself and be less than, because it somehow made him uncomfortable. He ended up shouting at me and being aggressive in the disagreement, so ironic really.

I find people being loud / arm-waving / going on a point quite anxiety-inducing, if I'm not in the right mood for it - ie every morning for the first couple of hours / when I've had a stressful day and need to chill.

Sometimes my OH wants to debate something, or chat about something he's passionate about, when I just want to sit quietly and think.

It may be that neither of you are wrong, just not particularly compatible.

I get that it sounds contradictory. I know myself how I intended to come across and express myself. I can dicuss things in a very chilled way. As in, that type of discussion to me is casual. It wasn't heated or angry. I wasn't being aggressive. Just being myself

Some men don't like it when women are forthright or assertive. They take it as a threat to their male dominance.

I could have written this post. I don’t really do chit chat, I discuss, debate, share my opinions, and am excited and interested to hear alternative views. I expect people to tell me where my argument is flawed and be robust. But some people just can’t cope with that. It’s their way or it’s wrong.

Be yourself, OP, don’t let anyone steal your passion. Find friends and partners who are emotionally secure enough to deal with you.

I get that. But this is who I am and who he's chosen to be with. It sounds from this post as thoigh he is nothing like me, yet he also gets very fiery and equally passionate when he is in the mood for it. I pointed that out to him and he said well others tell him to tone it down, so that makes it okay.

He could have quite easily not engaged it and it would have trailed off I another conversation. I'd only made about 2 comments

"" Don't dim your light simply to make others feel comfortable ""

He's like this himself though. He has all.of these traits when he's in that mood. I don't underwhy it can be acceptable when he decides.

It’s all a matter of perception isn’t it. None of us can know which one of you is being unreasonable here. Potentially both of you a bit. He could have been kinder, you could have been less defensive.
You’re not going to tell us that you come across as aggressive and ‘too much’. But that is how he saw it.
Being ‘strong voiced’ and expressing things ‘Excitedly’ could come across as quite in your face and overbearing. Did you let him speak or give his opinion?
Sobbing your heart out for the rest of the day does suggest a personality prone to drama.
How long have you been together. I’m surprised this is the first time this has been an issue.
How you felt and how you came across seem to be two different things.

I get this, because I find this happening to me too. But we haven't had hugely different upbringing in that respect. He actually gets passionate and fiery too in debate when it suits him

OP. You could be me.

I was brought up in a large household where lively debate was encouraged. If you didn't express your opinions robustly, you weren't heard.

It's taken me years to realise that my idea of lively debate can be a little intimidating to the other person who wasn't brought up like that. My ever so interesting take on events might just feel like a lecture to the lucky recipient.

Maybe, just maybe, you could do with dialling back the passion.

Can somebody really tell me I'm being aggressive, when I know that's not what i felt?

This line stood out to me. You don't need to be be angry to act aggressively.

My DP sounds a lot like you, she's passionate, she's excitable, and she's quite loud and her arms move a lot when she's animated about something. (I love her for all these things by the way)

But when she's had a few drinks, she also comes across as aggressive. She can have got home from a night out and be telling me what a great night she's had, how fantastic it was and how good it was to see off all her friends. The words, and I presume the intention behind them are really positive, but the tone behind them is basically "I'm going to knock your fucking block off you fucking twat".

It's really weird, and really freaked me out the first couple of times it happened!

Obviously I'm not saying you've had a few beers before breakfast @Wormworld7 , but just showing that it is possible to come across as aggressive even when there's no intent behind it.

You say you have a strong voice and a strong sense of self. That you are passionate.

This isn't wrong.

It's a way of being, and a way of communicating.

You do need to accept that some people will think that it is too much though.

And personally I don't wake up until at least my third coffee so anyone being "passionate" about any topic of conversation at breakfast with me is going to mean I leave because so want peace and quiet in the morning,

I'm not wrong. Neither are you. But we're not compatible.

I couldn't be doing with loud and passionate conversations first thing in the morning over things that don't matter. Your 'strong voice' clearly triggered him for whatever reason. I'm not sure asking you to tone it down first thing on a Sunday morning is some kind of lethal blow like you think it is but if its some kind of deal breaker to you then it is what it is.

Tbh it sounds like you annoyed him wittering on about nothing, he said it to you and then you felt embarrassed for wittering on about nothing and the realisation that he wasn't enjoying your wittering like you thought, you felt defensive and it blew up from there.

So I didn't sob my heart out all day. But there is some history here. We are just a few weeks out of some major issues with him not being able to communicate effectively. Essentially we are in a rough patch. He is very reactive and thoigh he has been in the wrong massively lately, isn't taking that into account with how he's treating me still. So this is jist another thing in the mix. I'm also pregnant and very hormonal, obviously.

I know someone who is as you describe yourself. He gets passionate and this results in a raised voice, talking over other people, big gestures, going on too much about what are really very average topics.

Honestly I find it uncomfortable. I ask him to stop shouting and he continues at the same volume ‘I’m not shouting’ to which we all reply ‘yes you are’

He seems to have limited self awareness of how he comes across. It’s tiring and we avoid sitting near him.

I wasn't being loud. That's my point. It was that great a deal. It us just my conversational style when it comes to certain things. It's almost a bit tongue in cheek.

I have people saying this to me. Sometimes even at work and I feel totally confused because how they portray me to how I think I've expressed myself doesn't marry up.

I honestly don't understand it. I am similar to you though and quite expressive. I have a good vocabulary, competent in English language good and spelling and grammar, know when to accentuate words etc etc but when I talk, people seem to thing I've jumped off the deep end. I am passionate about doing "the right thing", going the extra mile at work.

I actually find it very irritating because sometimes people don't even let me finish a sentence! But to me, these people have "simple minds" and don't think about thinks properly, are lazy at work, stop at the first hurdle.

Ho hum, no one is perfect :D

I think it’s all about perception, what come across as aggressive to one person may not to the other.

However if you haven’t got effective communication to recognise and talk it through as a couple it’s something that can derail the relationship.

There’s also the aspect in relationships that you have to let things slide sometimes too.

That being said I’ve just come out of a relationship where I kept being accused of shouting in disagreements when it was always him that started shouting first but didn’t expect any shouting in response.

Think sometimes as humans we just shape the narrative to what suits us / makes us seem in the right.

It sounds like you’re both potentially unreasonable.

Your description is very contradictory. You say that you were passionate and excited which can come across as loud and aggressive - especially if it’s accompanied with big hand gestures etc

I sympathise with your h for wanting a more quiet breakfast but I can’t help but wonder if he just wanted you to listen rather than join in with the debate? If so, he should have made that more clear because how were you supposed to know that he wanted to announce his Very Important Man Opinion rather than actually discuss the topic. If he just wanted to give a lecture than that’s potentially very annoying for you.

I think this is just a compatibility thing. I couldn't be doing with having "passionate" conversations over breakfast, I just want to chill in the morning, not get into a debate. So I'd tell you to tone it down too, but this is why I'm not married to you! I'm married to someone who matches my vibe and energy completely.

I do think you've both overreacted massively though, both the initial confrontation and the aftermath of you sobbing all day and him sulking and saying you ruined his day. Sounds like an awful lot of emotional immaturity bundled into one relationship.