Am I aggressive or just passionate?

[Wormworld7]

When is it okay to police somebody's personality?

This morning when discussing a totally irrelevant fact about babys vs animal intelligence, my interest piqued a little and I got a little passionate in conversation about how I felt about something within the conversation. This may or may not make any sense, but the topic is irrelevant, as it was so minor, to me was light hearted, not that deep, just a passing topic that touched on a subject of unjustness that bothers me.

I was eating porridge at the time and my partner stopped me in my tracks, just a few comments in, to say I was being aggressive, angry, shouting and waving my hands around aggressively. I wasn't. I genuinely wasn't. I have a strong voice. A strong sense of self and I carry my opinions as such, when I have them. I wasn't arguing against any point, simply just expressing my own view excitedly, and passionately, but also in a lowkey not too fussed kind of way, because I wasn't that bothered. It was just a fun conversation.

I was really hurt by being told I'm "too much" and I felt massively misunderstood. I didn't feel anger. I wasn't being aggressive. It was literally just a passing chit chat. He told me I don't know how to chill and have a nice peaceful morning. I was upset with being told I shouldn't be myself. I felt very much that this is what he was saying.

He said that I should respect how he felt, and he felt I was being aggressive. I said that's unfair, because I didn't intend to come across that way, and I meant no harm, but I felt attacked.

He said it being my "personality" is just an excuse and I should take accountability. What for?

I sobbed my heart out. I honestly feel like it should be considered a good quality of mine. I felt like he just doesn't like me and who i actually am.

We've spent all day now with him saying I've ruined his day, but I'm not sure what I actually did to ruin it?!

Can somebody really tell another person to tone it down when they're just being themselves, harmlessly? Can somebody really tell me I'm being aggressive, when I know that's not what i felt?

If you don't know how to talk more calmly then I imagine you are going to get the occasional person saying they found you aggressive.

Again, we weren't there so I can't comment on the specifics of how you came across, but I'm definitely getting the impression that you may have been a bit over the top.

Over coffe? First thing on a Sunday morning? I think most people would find this unusual and a bit much.

Good point.

My ex would argue he wasn’t being aggressive until he was blue in this face because in his mind he’s much worse when he is, but doesn’t mean other people don’t find it intimidating

He felt you were being loud you disagree neither of you are wrong or right.

The best way to manage it if it happens again would be to be a bit quieter. Without debate.

If he still complains he means he wants you to stop talking.

I'd really like to know if or when it's okay to police people's personality and not accept them for who they are

OK according to what, though? If it can be ok, it must be able to be not ok, and for that to be the case, there would have to be 'a rule'. What rules are you expecting us to tell you? There are none. You might think it's ok to police people, he might not. I might think you were aggressive, the woman next door might not.

There's nothing to tell us what we 'can' or 'can't' do; we just have to operate according to what we like/feel comfortable with (or not). There's no right or wrong.

I wasn't not calm. I'm actually a very calm person in conversation. It's not that it isn't calm. I'm being completely misunderstood here, as i was this morning. It wasn't first thing in the morning. Wed been up a while and were just chilling and chatting. It was no more than that to me. I didn't raise my voice or get aggressive.

I think this bit is telling OP. “I don’t know how to simmer down, this is me”.

this sounds like an excuse never to moderate your behaviour. Yes, a partner/family/close friend should be able to “police behaviour” as you call it if it’s simply saying “on this occasion you’re being OTT”.

to me it sounds like you’re all “this is me, I refuse to change for anybody”. I also think the term “passionate” is an excuse to be in your face (whether that is animated, aggressive, over zealous in opinions).

there is a time and place for animated chit chat. I would not be happy if this was happening over breakfast. A dinner party with lots of wine flowing…yes this would be an appropriate time for animated conversation.

I hate the phrase on mumsnet “you sounds like hard work”, but you do sound very…forthright….which can be tiresome if it’s like this for EVERY conversation.

can I ask if you’re British?

It wasn't a debate. I was jist talking. I nay have waved my spoon a little as I'm.cwry theatrical when I talk about anything. He went off on one as thoigh I was in the house of commons. The reason for me being so offended is because it was so relaxed to me. I didn't even think about any of it. Why should I be told in my own home how to behave. I don't get it.

“Deludamol · Today 17:48
Wormworld7 · Today 17:45

But i don't know how to simmer down. This is me. I didn't feel I was being aggressive lile he accused me of

If you don't know how to talk more calmly then I imagine you are going to get the occasional person saying they found you aggressive.

Again, we weren't there so I can't comment on the specifics of how you came across, but I'm definitely getting the impression that you may have been a bit over the top.”

This with bells on! @Wormworld7 - you have rebuffed everyone who has suggested that perhaps your energy was a bit overwhelming. You now say you don’t know how to present more calmly because this is just you. And this is you getting passionate over something you apparently don’t even really care about.

But that doesn’t sit right with me. I can get very energised and carried away and sometimes I am - rightly, actually - told that it is too much right now (often it’s early morning when this happens). I then rein myself in. I don’t spend ages sobbing about it.

You’re an adult. Of course, you can rein yourself in a bit if you have to. I don’t regard it as a massive imposition or me being crushed when I’m asked to do so. People in a relationship need to be able to tell each other when they are finding the other a bit much. It’s not policing someone’s personality unless it’s habitual in which case it’s a compatibility issue.

Yes I'm British, what's that got to do with anything?

I very much am open to change and growth on myself. This isn't a lack of foresight from me. I'm more than willing to look at myself where needed. But there are parts to me that need not to change why should I change and uproot my entire personality to suit somebody else? I wasn't doing anything upsetting.

It wasn't over breakfast, and obviously in this home we don't observe social norms in that respect, hence its not out of the ordinary for me to be this way at any time of the day.

Being calm and theatrically waving a spoon around seems to be rather a contradiction.

If you're not prepared to take anyone's opinions on board, then don't bother starting a thread on MN about it. Just tell yourself you had the right of it and get on with your life.

Not a wise move to have a baby during a rough patch. It's more likely to drive a wedge and show up problems than bring you together. He doesn't see you as an equal if can't take having a healthy debate, seems he picked a way to stop you in your tracks.
The sobbing we'll put down to hormones on this occasion, but in future, a better reaction would be to point out "you are being unnecessarily rude" and flounce off, says enough back. Overall though it sounds like maybe you both lack a bit of self-awareness, or he could be ND and misenterprets things. Do you perhaps misread each other's signals a lot, jump to negative conclusions?

I asked if you were British because I wondered if it was a cultural difference. Europeans and Americans can often be very passionate.

anyhoo - you contradict yourself. First you say you’re happy to grow and in the very next sentence “why should I change my personality”.

you have confirmed in your response to me that you are using your personality as an excuse. Your other half has explained. As others have on the thread and you’re refusing to listen.

is your DH the only one who has every told you that your OTT?

I'm not sure about this. I don't think 'this is just my personality' is ever likely to be an acceptable standalone excuse. It's impossible to know if your DP was being reasonable to jump in the way he did because none of us were there to really judge the way you spoke in that moment.

But generally I would say it shouldn't be a no-go area of commenting on something critically just because it's part of unconscious behaviour/speech/etc on the part of someone else.

I've worked in close proximity to a couple of women who are really aggressive in the way they deal with others and it's alienated many people along the way. In both instances they have proved extremely difficult to handle as they find it impossible to reflect on their own behaviour and the impact it has on others. It's caused real distress when it's pointed out to them what they are like and they just don't recognise it.

I'm not saying you're anywhere near as bad as the two women I worked with but it's worth considering that it's hard to see it from an outside perspective when it's unconscious.

If you’re pregnant and you’re feeling like maybe your partner doesn’t like the fundamental “you”, no wonder you’re upset. You’re investing your future in this person. However that doesn’t mean that you’re 100% right and he’s been horrible necessarily.

Sometimes my H can be passionate about something and - while I usually enjoy this side of him - occasionally it starts to sound like he’s angry, arguing with me or just sort of going on/lecturing me. When that’s happened I have sometimes said to him that I’m finding it a bit stressful, we’re on the same side and I feel like he sounds angry with me. Honestly I would never in a million years see that as “policing his personality” fgs, it’s much more that I know he’s not trying to stress me out or harangue me but he’s kind of got onto a subject and is unaware of how the tone is coming across. It’s only happened about 3 times in 7 years, and thank goodness he may not have been pleased (because like you he didn’t FEEL like he was being like that) but he took a moment and turned it down a notch.

People are entitled to feel how they feel about how you come across and just because you didn’t feel angry doesn’t mean you didn’t sound angry. Just like presumably your partner didn’t intend to sound like he was criticising your personality but you’re taking it that way.

Lol definitely not! 🤣🤣

Liking someone's general demeanour is important, and I don't think some people really realise that until they're older. Outside of the potential cultural context, there are some men who have vibrant, chirpy, pleasant, and charismatic female partners, who patronise them and put them down with minimising comments. The demeanour of their female partner may be what attracted those men to those women in the first place, but once they're in a relationship with them, all they want to do is minimise and put a wet blanket over that. The female partner can lose confidence, and start feeling feel small & silly. She ends up feeling sad and unappreciated for who she is.

A good example of this is in the film 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. I can understand why the female lead wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea, but when I watched it the 2nd time, I thought Jim Carrey's character was a bit of an unpleasant shit, saying sly, underhanded comments and then being surprised when she got upset or flew off the handle at them.

This could also be cultural. I've noticed that it's easy to tip English people into discomfort by displaying passion about something, particularly those from middle-class backgrounds. Going to university with privately educated English people was a bit of an eye-opened that way. The students would occasionally police each other's behaviour if one expressed some degree of earnest feeling about something by being dismissive, condescending and telling the other person some thing like 'Alright! Chill out!'.

It really doesn't even have to be that much. They're just not used to it, and I think they particularly think of it as inferior or unseemly way to behave when it comes to women. There other cultures like this as well of course.

Yes. I've never had anyone else told me before ans I have plenty of friends who I can talk with without issues we may playfully back and forth abou things together. Or not.

I think this particular thing I'm being asked to change, is not something I consider in need of change. That would be changing to keep somebody else more comfortable than me. Would you change political party because you OH told you to? This part of me is very much what makes me, me. I'd change undesirable traits that's fair.

Honestly most of the people I know who would describe themselves as passionate are actually viewed as aggressive by everyone else. I can't speak for you personally, but arm wavers, table bangers, voice raisers and interrupters are dangerously close to aggressive and we are responsible for how we are perceived.

This morning when discussing a totally irrelevant fact about babys vs animal intelligence, my interest piqued a little and I got a little passionate in conversation about how I felt about something within the conversation

How did you manage to do all that in what you now claim was only two sentences?

You're back pedaling like mad. The difference between what you said on your OP and what you're saying now is pretty significant. And you're not listening to anyone on this thread. So I'm thinking your DH might have a point.

@HonorGold

Yes, a partner/family/close friend should be able to “police behaviour” as you call it if it’s simply saying “on this occasion you’re being OTT

But surely you're just being OTT for their liking, and if you moderate your behaviour, it's because you consider them to know better than you about how your behaviour 'should' be? Why would OP deem him 'to know better'? She disagrees with him.

Maybe lots of people would find OP 'OTT'; and that's fine.

@Wormworld7

Your responsibility is to be who you are, not to be what others deem that you 'should' be. This can be painful, as you may have to reject some people in order to be yourself, but nobody who respects you will 'police' you. They might tell you that they're trying to have a peaceful morning, and you're being a bit much for their preference, but they won't make you feel you're 'doing something wrong'. They will take responsibility for their own feelings, rather than making their negative feelings 'your fault'. And if it carries on, they need to choose not to be around someone whose behaviour they don't enjoy, and you need to choose not to be around someone who continually feels disrupted by your behaviour.

You both sound immature. Not sure what to say really.

Of course I didn't jist sob immediately! I told him I felt he was being rude. I felt he was dimming my shine. I had barely managed to say anythung. It almost felt like he had decided he doesn't like this side to me, and so shot it down before j had a chance. I certainly wasn't goimg on or ranting. I was just a few sentences in, it could have been steered anyway. He could have stayed on track and not entertained my tangent. He could have said it so much more politely. But he was downright mean, when j didn't feel I'd been "that much"...obviously there are times I'm.aware I can be way too much. This wasn't that! It was jist casual and I didn't think there was any need for his nastiness. He made it personal and that upset me.

Immature how?

Really pointless comment if you don't elaborate.