Am I aggressive or just passionate?

[Wormworld7]

When is it okay to police somebody's personality?

This morning when discussing a totally irrelevant fact about babys vs animal intelligence, my interest piqued a little and I got a little passionate in conversation about how I felt about something within the conversation. This may or may not make any sense, but the topic is irrelevant, as it was so minor, to me was light hearted, not that deep, just a passing topic that touched on a subject of unjustness that bothers me.

I was eating porridge at the time and my partner stopped me in my tracks, just a few comments in, to say I was being aggressive, angry, shouting and waving my hands around aggressively. I wasn't. I genuinely wasn't. I have a strong voice. A strong sense of self and I carry my opinions as such, when I have them. I wasn't arguing against any point, simply just expressing my own view excitedly, and passionately, but also in a lowkey not too fussed kind of way, because I wasn't that bothered. It was just a fun conversation.

I was really hurt by being told I'm "too much" and I felt massively misunderstood. I didn't feel anger. I wasn't being aggressive. It was literally just a passing chit chat. He told me I don't know how to chill and have a nice peaceful morning. I was upset with being told I shouldn't be myself. I felt very much that this is what he was saying.

He said that I should respect how he felt, and he felt I was being aggressive. I said that's unfair, because I didn't intend to come across that way, and I meant no harm, but I felt attacked.

He said it being my "personality" is just an excuse and I should take accountability. What for?

I sobbed my heart out. I honestly feel like it should be considered a good quality of mine. I felt like he just doesn't like me and who i actually am.

We've spent all day now with him saying I've ruined his day, but I'm not sure what I actually did to ruin it?!

Can somebody really tell another person to tone it down when they're just being themselves, harmlessly? Can somebody really tell me I'm being aggressive, when I know that's not what i felt?

You were expressing yourself excitedly and passionately. That's what you said in your OP.

To me, that is the opposite of calm. Which is what you also said you were at the time.

He hasn't told you to change. He hasn't said he doesn't like how you are.

He said you were coming across aggressively. You were waving your porridge spoon.

I'm sure you're a lovely person and good to be around. Passion and excitement can be contagious and bring life to everyone involved.

But on this occasion, he wasn't enjoying it. He told you that and you reacted with a passion.

You're pregnant and trying to resolve your relationship issues. He could have been more thoughtful in how he worded what he said.

But I'm still firmly of the opinion that you over reacted and he did too.

Are you prepared to attempt to see you may have come across in the way he described?

Sometime people just aren’t “up for it” all the time OP. There are a few topics that switch my buttons but sometimes and with some people it isn’t the time or potentially place to have that discussion.
My DH is the same but sometimes we’re not both up for it and tbh it usually ends in an argument. We’ve learnt over the years to say to each other “not now” without being offended. It’s totally acceptable for one person to say they don’t want to have a debate about something. Perhaps find a way to better communicate that to each other.
I have a friend who is always on her soapbox about something and lighthearted conversations on girl’s night suddenly become a political debate. It’s tiring… The rest of the girls and I just ignore it and move on to another topic.

You keep saying you weren't aggressive but hi him you clearly were.

You can both be right from your own prospective. You seem a bit full on for breakfast time to me but he's picked you so maybe he doesn't usually mind it.

Maybe he just found you annoying today? Some days I find my DH annoying. Sometimes he finds me annoying. It's life isn't it?

He shut me down before it even began. It had barely started. It all happened so quickly. The post remains the same no matter how much we got into the conversation. He hadn't even replied. I'd made about 2 remarks off the back of what he sad said. Imo it was just a conversation like any other.

OP, how long have you been with your partner? Does he normally enjoy your spirited discussions? Has he experienced them a lot before this one or is there a reason that on this one occasion he found your passionate discussion "too much" ? Was it because it was about babies wild you are pregnant?
Like others I do think people who say they are passionate and enthusiastic can come across as aggressive, only willing to see their side of an argument. Maybe your partner just disagreed but couldn't be bothered to have a lengthy conversation about it.

No because I wasn't aggressive lol. He does this a lot. He tells me I'm shouting, when he's the one shouting. Why should I admit to being something I wasn't. I was there. It was so casual from me. I wasn't that bothered. It was just a topic that I have a set of responses to. Almost automated. In order to change, I'd have to have been aggressive. I can't change from that, when j wasn't being aggressive

I wasn't being aggressive. Just being myself

I know a few people like you, OP. They claim they're passionate and 'care' about things. They wave their arms around when they get 'passionate' and often they end up practically screaming in peoples faces. They've been told several times by people that they need to calm down/stop yelling...and they say 'It's just me' (or some variation of). But to other people it comes across as aggressive.

The issue is it's not about you, it's about the impact of your actions on others.

BUT every time someone has said anything on this thread that doesn't agree with you, you've bit back 'I'm calm' 'I didn't yell' 'police my behaviour.' You've turned it into him being undermined and threatened by you. You can't consider that, perhaps, he genuinely was just uncomfortable? You seem so unwilling to accept that and, tbh OP, if you're not careful you're going to end up like the people I know - losing friendships left/right/centre because as people grow up they're not willing to put up with people yelling at them over inconsequential things.

Maybe its as simple as Sunday morning breakfast not being the right time to have a conversation about something that isnt a passionate topic for him.

Sometimes people just want peace and quiet, not deep conversations.

You do sound quite full on. YABU for sobbing over something so trivial as is he for saying you ruined his day.

If your posts here are indicative, then yes, OP, you were aggressive and he did not appreciate that.

He isn’t policing your personality to want you to calm the fuck down during a chat over coffee.

I am often loud and passionate, my adult son is much more so. We can both inadvertently come across as aggressive when we think we’re just really engaged. It’s on us to moderate ourselves a bit and to take note of others when we’re getting carried away. It’s only courtesy to the rest of the family.

Well, that wording is extremely leading but yes, if someone is coming across as aggressive, abrasive or just too full on (even if it is temporarily when you just need a bit of peace first thing) it is ok to nicely and in good humour ask them to hold it down. If they are being aggressive as in starting an argument or fight in a pub it is fine to be a bit more robust. If this is a habitual thing or not asked nicely then I think questions need to be asked about compatibility.

That's asking them to adapt their behaviour occasionally, not their whole personality. If that's not a good fit, the relationship isn't viable.

If I may say so, nobody here was at breakfast with you so it's impossible to know what went on but you seem quite contradictory in your posts as has been pointed out. You were definitely calm etc but 'passionate' and waving a spoon around, and have posed two very different questions. Are you sure you have a good idea of how you are coming across in person?

I'm not without sympathy. My dad constantly told me to shut up, stop showing off, shop being stupid etc even when I was doing no such things and it was soul destroying. My self esteem is damaged even as an adult.

If you're sure these aren't fair comments from an otherwise good partner, I would be reconsidering the relationship. However I would absolutely be reflecting on your demeanour first and what you've written here and whether you perhaps got a bit carried away.

When you live together it's about compromise and perhaps your partner doesn't want the full force of your opinions at all times. That's ok. He also can't expect you to dampen down your exuberance constantly. It's give and take.

How you’re feeling now is exactly what he intends. You’re hurt and confused. You’ve been harmed and he has you in a double bind. If you get angry about it (you are and are rightly pissed off) he’s now built a ‘my wife is car-azy’ narrative to hide behind. Op you have a cruel husband. Relationships with cruel people shortens our lives and takes most of the joy out of life.

Who was cruel when you were growing up? Who trained you not to see psychological abuse for what it is?

I am of the loud and passionate variety when I get going. So is my family. Most of the time, we like this and join in, but sometimes people are tired, irritable or just not in the mood and so all the hand-waving or slightly overloud voice is a bit too much for whoever it is. In a perfect world, he would have calmly said 'I'm feeling a bit delicate right now, can we chat later?' but of course, he said something that then triggered you into reacting- in a passionate loud way!

I would say, OP, that I wish some things were different in my own situation, as just reacting to everything has been tiring over the years. One is that I wish I'd learned to take a tiny bit of criticism better, of course it's ideal if the person says it in a nice way, but with people like us we tend to take it all very personally. I also wish I'd learned how to de-escalate better rather than ramp it all up- if there's two of you like this, it will be a noisy and at times stressful household and your child will learn to 'be passionate' too just to be heard.

Just some thoughts, it seems this is about miscommunication to me and it isn't worth wasting a day of tears over it, but I've been in exactly this relationship and I understand how it is. Good luck with it all.

OP is there any chance you could be a bit deaf?

I felt he was dimming my shine.

🙄

And he felt that you were being too much for him for first thing on a Sunday morning.

As you've said, nobody has the right to tell you to change your personality and if you are unwilling and indeed unable to alter your demeanour sometimes to suit your partner's preference for more relaxed conversations then you are fundamentally incompatible.

You seem sure that your partner was wrong about your level of aggression so if he's unwilling to back down and you aren't interested in compromising yourself, then you don't have many options other than leaving. It's that going to be possible at this stage of your pregnancy?

@Wormworld7 I meant if it happens again be a bit quieter without responding to his request. If you are being consciously quieter and he still complains he's using this as a way to shut you up. If when you lower your voice he continues the conversation then maybe you are being a bit loud.

Hmm. Man tells his pregnant partner she is 'too much' when she gets a bit enthusiastic about a topic. Is he shutting you down, squashing you a bit to get you to behave like a 'proper woman' (quiet, not too feisty or demanding) before the baby arrives? Just a thought.

He didn't ask me nicely, or kindly. And I get that it comes across as quite contradictory. But I'm trying to paint the picture of my personality. I speak with my hands. I could be speaking about anything. He had said I was pointing aggressively, so that's the first exaggeration. He called it using "gun fingers". I argued how could that be so, when I had a spoon in my hand. It's jist how I speak. I'm a fiddler lol. So I'll often clasp my hands together, even when others can't see me. It's not meant to add any affect outwardly. It's just how I speak. I wasn't waving around strongly. Just literally being myself in mannerisms.

But there are nicer ways to say that. He could have said it woth kindness. He made himself the enemy and made out I'd done something wrong.

Ah but you've assumed I got loud in response. I didn't. He told me I was being aggressive. I calmly and politely said that I wasn't. He then, quote aggressively started demonstrating a very over exaggerated impersonation, that I knew wasn't true because he was doing all this ott pointing, when I'd had a spoon in my hand. In a way, I think he treated me as though my actions were how they can sometimes be ott. When they weren't. I was calm and non confronting. He was quite nasty about it. I refused to accept that I'd be aggressive when I hadn't. I felt massively unseen and misunderstood. I'm quite good at being able to reflect on myself after the fact. And here I know i hadn't been.agressive.

I actually do suspect that his desire for me to be smaller is actually a reflection of his inner child always being told to calm.down and be smaller. He didn't tell me like 2 adults would tell eachother something, he spoke to me like he was berating a young child. Which isn't healthy to anyone, especially not a young child. But why am I being treated this way in ny own home as an adult

@Wormworld7

You seem quite sure: you were being passionate, he felt it was aggressive and tried to quiet you down in an impolite way, and you think you're allowed to be you.

Anybody says any different on the thread, and you just keep saying the same thing, and defend it.

I'm with you; I think you should be you, and stay away from people who make you feel uncomfortable being you. But what's your question? It's hard to see why you've posted when you seem so sure you're right. Some people think that you should change the way you speak, some don't: do you think you're going to come to a conclusion?

I don't think it's trivial though. I don't think it's fair to tell.somebody they were doing things that they were not. It felt like gas lighting. I'm all for being called out when I'm doing things for the sake of conflict or in relationship terms. I don't think I should be being told off for being me in my.own house. Why does his right to "peace" trump my right to express myself freely? And his reaction brought far from peace for himself, as he got himself more wound up than I displayed just trying to demonstrate how he believed j was being. The irony sort of told me I wasn't wrong

He has told me he doesn't like how I am. He did within the context of the argument
He told me I should change how I am and that he doesn't like me and he doesn't kniw why he's with me. There is so much more to this that spiralled out of control after the initial thing. It's so much more complex than simply just being about this issue. But I just wanted to get some perspective on what people thoight of telling people they should be a certain way to appease another person's comfort.

It's hard to see why you've posted when you seem so sure you're right.

Yes, I'm kind of bemused by the whole thing.

Why does his right to "peace" trump my right to express myself freely?
It doesn't always. But he's every bit as entitled to a bit of peace sometimes, as you are to sometimes get passionate about something.

It doesn't sound like you're compatible really.