Am I aggressive or just passionate?

[Wormworld7]

When is it okay to police somebody's personality?

This morning when discussing a totally irrelevant fact about babys vs animal intelligence, my interest piqued a little and I got a little passionate in conversation about how I felt about something within the conversation. This may or may not make any sense, but the topic is irrelevant, as it was so minor, to me was light hearted, not that deep, just a passing topic that touched on a subject of unjustness that bothers me.

I was eating porridge at the time and my partner stopped me in my tracks, just a few comments in, to say I was being aggressive, angry, shouting and waving my hands around aggressively. I wasn't. I genuinely wasn't. I have a strong voice. A strong sense of self and I carry my opinions as such, when I have them. I wasn't arguing against any point, simply just expressing my own view excitedly, and passionately, but also in a lowkey not too fussed kind of way, because I wasn't that bothered. It was just a fun conversation.

I was really hurt by being told I'm "too much" and I felt massively misunderstood. I didn't feel anger. I wasn't being aggressive. It was literally just a passing chit chat. He told me I don't know how to chill and have a nice peaceful morning. I was upset with being told I shouldn't be myself. I felt very much that this is what he was saying.

He said that I should respect how he felt, and he felt I was being aggressive. I said that's unfair, because I didn't intend to come across that way, and I meant no harm, but I felt attacked.

He said it being my "personality" is just an excuse and I should take accountability. What for?

I sobbed my heart out. I honestly feel like it should be considered a good quality of mine. I felt like he just doesn't like me and who i actually am.

We've spent all day now with him saying I've ruined his day, but I'm not sure what I actually did to ruin it?!

Can somebody really tell another person to tone it down when they're just being themselves, harmlessly? Can somebody really tell me I'm being aggressive, when I know that's not what i felt?

Bestyearever2024
"" Don't dim your light simply to make others feel comfortable ""
I don’t know about this- I used to know someone whose biggest pride was that she’d tell it like it is. And she always did. So she’d be honest with you, but to a mean extent and then say ‘I’m sorry if it sounds harsh, but I’d rather you know than have someone bitch about you behind your back.’ Or she’d say ‘I just thought it was better to say it to your face, And I don’t want to talk about you behind your back’ and one evening I said ‘I’d rather you go home and bitch about me’ and she was shocked and said ‘but you needed to know!’ And I said ‘nope, I honestly do not mind if you go home and talk about me, but you need to stop telling me these things’. Sometimes people do need to tone it down

Oh apologies then. I had assumed you were with your reference to your 'strong voice'.

I still think there is a bit of embarrassment on your behalf at thinking you were being amusing and instead finding out you were being irritating. It's understandable but I do think you need to assess how much of your reaction comes from that knock to your ego. You were really into whatever you were 'passionate' about and didn't read the signs that he really wasn't. He probably should have communicated that to you better or just left and let you get on with it.

Yes. You're right. But shining your light is about coming from a good place

Just SAYING 'I'm simply shining my light so I can say any old shit about anyone' is bollocks

The OP, imo, was shining passionately and with joy (that's how her opening post comes across)

She wasn't being a cow or a bitch

But did this need to be a debate?

You said it was supposed to be light-hearted. But it doesn't sound like that's how it came across

Save your passion for the important (to you) stuff

Light-hearted shouldn't be so exhausting

If this is happening with more than one person then does it not occur to you that maybe your perception of yourself is not, in fact, accurate?
You sound lacking in self awareness.
I believe myself to be many of the things you are - good at expressing myself, excellent grasp of the English language etc etc . But I’ve never been accused of being aggressive or needing to calm down.
I also do not consider quieter people to have ‘simple minds’ or be lazy.

It's impossible to say whether you came across as being too heated because none of us were there. Also, it is a matter of perception.

But sobbing your heart out does indicate a propensity for the dramatic.

Given the time of day, you may have been a little too high intensity for the likes of some people. An oops sorry and a shrug would have been my response, rather than bawling.

I'm not being labelled as aggressive but I notice the people who seem to try to shut me down are the ones who don't put any effort in. Almost like the issues I raise and would like to be resolved, they see it as extra work and would prefer to keep their head down for an easier life.
But I like working to efficiently. It's not a lot of people, it's not all the time. Just a couple of people (the same ones, over again).

I don’t really do chit chat, I discuss, debate, share my opinions, and am excited and interested to hear alternative views. I expect people to tell me where my argument is flawed and be robust.
This attitude sounds very tiresome.
It's fine to just have a relaxed chat not everything needs in-depth analysis.

Many people who are passionate in debates don’t always understand how they come across.

You seem to be dismissing people’s ideas that don’t agree with you or they say you might have been come across slightly aggressive

if you think you were fine then why are you asking people? None of us were there to see this so we have no idea how you came across, we just have your word for it.

as you said, you going for a rough patch so could be just one of those instances where everything the other person says annoys you or you find reason to be upset and angry each other, have you resolved your rough patch?

And @Smartiepants79 I've raised it with my husband, friends etc who don't see how I talk as an issue or anything.
I do think it is just how people have been raised.
I come across fairly confident but deep down, I'm an introvert.

Generally speaking, yes you are responsible for your impact as well as your intent.

However, it sounds like there’s a hell of a lot more to this than this particular incident, and I think your answer really lies in the context.

I'm not embarrassed at all. I was 2 sentences in. It wasn't that deep. It's a topic that i enjoy yes, and the topic had nothing to do with my partners reaction. I hadn't gotten a chance to speak barely at all. I hadn't gotten to the point of being all fired up. I literally said about 2 generic things that are sort of standing jokes among people that know me. It was a light hearted conversation and I was curious about the fact he had said. I wasn't debating it, just a bit of a minor tangent. I'm not Embarressed lol I couldn't care less about how I look in that way.

What are you asking here? What do you want from this thread?

You were the kid who put your hand up and reminded the teacher they'd set homework, weren't you?

Im not asking of I was aggressive. I'm asking is it acceptable to police people's personalities in this way? I believe we should accept people for who they are when ut comes to u harmful personality traits. I'm more offended that these are what I'd consider desirable traits. It's almost lile he feels threatened by a strong minded woman, that's how it comes across to me. He has no idea what an aggressive woman looks like. Because that was not it!

Exactly this. It was a joyous chit chat with someone I love. I've never had any friends or family knock me down for being me in this way. I don't expect someone who claims to love me to find this part of me so undesirable!

Very true. My ex used to say “you’re always shouting at me and I don’t deserve it” <sadface> which I found utterly baffling, because I never shouted at him once. It’s not something I do. It took me a long time to realise he meant he hated it when I disagreed with him, ever, or when I was quietly firm about anything. He also called me “rude and aggressive” when I politely but firmly said no to a persistent street hawker in an Asian country where they pester tourists a lot.
OTOH @Wormworld7 none of us know you, and it’s possible you get louder than you think when you’re “passionate”.

I was 2 sentences in. It wasn't a debate. I don't know to give an example that everyone might understand, it's lile seeing rishi sunak on the tele and rolling your eyes to your partner and saying "what's this twerp got to say now". Like we're on the same team. It wasn't an argument or a debate. It was a few sentences

Yes, it's acceptable to let others know when they're coming across as a bit too hectic for the circumstances.

I'd prefer someone to tell me to simmer down so I know for next time to moderate it.

No. Neither would I

And I say this kindly - I've stayed in relationships where my joyful/passionate light has been dismissed, criticised, dimmed

And I always regretted it

I can understand why you sobbed

Its bloody heartbreaking

I'd really like to know if or when it's okay to police people's personality and not accept them for who they are? I would never tell somebody to tone it down for expressing themselves. If they were annoying to me, I'd avoid them, not have children with them!

The title of your thread is literally am I being aggressive or passionate?

You think passionate, he thinks aggressive as I said no one was there we cannot decide how you came across.

but just because you find a desirable trait does not mean it is a desirable trait.

i value strong minded people, but if they come across aggressive in their arguments/debates that is a huge turn off, and maybe in that moment your husband didnt like that side of your personality as you’re not liking his side of speaking about it.

obviously, if this becomes a regular occurrence where he tries to shut you down every time you’re talking about something or voicing your opinion then it could be an issue and then it’s a husband issue

But i don't know how to simmer down. This is me. I didn't feel I was being aggressive lile he accused me of

if a man posted this? and listed all his traits and personality to excuse aggression would it be ok?

Police people's personalities so they feel like they can't be themselves no I don't find acceptable.

To say calm it down etc yes it is acceptable. My DH banters a lot but he can cross the line, I have on more then one occasion told him too far.

It does sound like you have both over reacted though. However him saying it's completely ruined his day etc is ridiculous but also a bit emotionally controlling behaviour. So that you stay a quiet, meek etc. It sounds like there is a bigger conversation to be had.