Am I aggressive or just passionate?

[Wormworld7]

When is it okay to police somebody's personality?

This morning when discussing a totally irrelevant fact about babys vs animal intelligence, my interest piqued a little and I got a little passionate in conversation about how I felt about something within the conversation. This may or may not make any sense, but the topic is irrelevant, as it was so minor, to me was light hearted, not that deep, just a passing topic that touched on a subject of unjustness that bothers me.

I was eating porridge at the time and my partner stopped me in my tracks, just a few comments in, to say I was being aggressive, angry, shouting and waving my hands around aggressively. I wasn't. I genuinely wasn't. I have a strong voice. A strong sense of self and I carry my opinions as such, when I have them. I wasn't arguing against any point, simply just expressing my own view excitedly, and passionately, but also in a lowkey not too fussed kind of way, because I wasn't that bothered. It was just a fun conversation.

I was really hurt by being told I'm "too much" and I felt massively misunderstood. I didn't feel anger. I wasn't being aggressive. It was literally just a passing chit chat. He told me I don't know how to chill and have a nice peaceful morning. I was upset with being told I shouldn't be myself. I felt very much that this is what he was saying.

He said that I should respect how he felt, and he felt I was being aggressive. I said that's unfair, because I didn't intend to come across that way, and I meant no harm, but I felt attacked.

He said it being my "personality" is just an excuse and I should take accountability. What for?

I sobbed my heart out. I honestly feel like it should be considered a good quality of mine. I felt like he just doesn't like me and who i actually am.

We've spent all day now with him saying I've ruined his day, but I'm not sure what I actually did to ruin it?!

Can somebody really tell another person to tone it down when they're just being themselves, harmlessly? Can somebody really tell me I'm being aggressive, when I know that's not what i felt?

I sense this too. I sense he has held onto countless complaints about me and rather than air things out it has turned into a dislike for me. I think it comes down to never communicating, as the moment an issue does arise it all comes flooding out, but only then.

He has to exaggerate my actions in order to get his point across.

Probably because simply stating "I don't like who you are" isn't an acceptable thing to say to somebody.

No it isn't. And a reasonable grown up would ask for what they needed. I'm quite capable of asking DH to slow down and keep still without insulting him. I'm afraid I think the posters who are suggesting this is gaslighting are probably correct.

Thanks. And I feel that it might be gas lighting. The thing about gas lighting is, it isn't always clear and makes you question yourself a lot!

The thing about gas lighting is, it isn't always clear and makes you question yourself a lot

No. The thing about questioning yourself is that if you find yourself doing it, you're being gaslit.

What you're doing is questioning the fact that you're questioning yourself. This doesn't happen with your best mates, does it? With beloved family members? With people you actually feel comfortable to be yourself with?

I would hate a passionate discussion at 7.30 am.

Intense people suffocate me.

Nooooooo - it doesn’t have to be this hard. I have no idea if he’s an arse or you’re poorly suited as a couple but this kind of insulting name calling is too much. Time to call it a day? Life is too short.

We really can't tell as we weren't there

I'm with you OP. I tend to get very passionate about things and express my views in a passionate way, with lots of gesticulating. My ex-h would always tell me to 'calm down' which was like a red rag to a bull with me. I would also be very upset by this as I'm a very non-aggressive person. I was brought up in a family where we were encouraged to express our views and we would have some brilliant, lively conversations. My ex-h came ftom a family where every spoken word is considered & delivered in a very 'flat' way, ie. no intonation and, to me, no passion of feeling. On a trip away together, when I was feeling very comfortable bring with him, we were driving in France and I was trying to map read, he took a wrong turn and I said something like, "Oh you silly fart, you've got us lost". He went very quiet & a bit kater said, "I guess we've had our first argument now"!! I was stunned, as to me it was a sign of how comfortable I finally felt with him that I was able to trase him! We basically just weren't compatible!!

Lmao it wasn't 7.30am and it wasn't passionate. HE said an interesting fact so he wasn't talking about the weather. And he shot it down before it got going. HR initiated the conversation and it wasn't that deep.

Oh wow, I think my partner is almost the opposite to your Exh in a way. He's got us lost before or forgot to take the turn on a motorway and hes blamed me for talking. I'm a pretty relaxed person. Id gladly get lost and make no issue of it, just find our way again. Having lively conversations doesn't make me intense. I'd actually describe him as quite intense and aggressive. I actually come from a family that don't really make space for a lively debate, they actually suck the joy out of it, as it very much gets personal and opinions aren't really allowed. It was certain family members opinions only. And I think they were quite misogynistic too. So now as an adult I'm not afraid to take up space and express myself, and why should I be?!

Carry on being you op, I'm exactly the same and spent years beating myself up over my personality.

I'm passionate about things I believe in, I'm certainly not aggressive and would always get so paranoid that I was. Some people can't cope with people expressing themselves, particularly when it's a woman.

He could have made things better by saying it differently and in return you might not have felt so defensive about it. The thing is with feelings there's no objective truth. You can know you didn't feel aggressive but that doesn't really change someone feeling it as aggression. I've had this before where I get on a personal pulpit, it's more an exercise in working my thoughts out for me, but my more quiet partner can find this too much sometimes. Its not aggression on my part, but that doesn't change how he experiences it.

Mind, you've said hes similar so...im not sure its the same situation?. If this isn't genuinely about it feeling aggressive to him, and it's about controlling you, then...different matter altogether. I think only you can decide that

Yeah, it's making me really wonder about control. As the post obviously reads and you'd expect him to be some mousy quiet guy, when that's far from reality. He's actually quite opinionated and gets ranty himself. I allow him to vent when he needs to. I join in with him. It seems to be on his terms, when he wants it. Hes actually quite selfish and struggles to see any ither perspective outside of his own

he has a history of stonewalling, name calling and generally not being able to properly communicate

And now he has a problem with interpreting you as aggressive, which he communicates to you aggressively.

Which of your parents is he like? You've learned to bow to this crap behaviour somewhere; you've been conditioned to believe that simply walking away from it isn't 'a thing', because you couldn't.

But you can, now.

I havnt read the drip feed.

Relationships are about give and take. They are not about 'me me me and my needs'.

It would be good if you were both considerate of each other.

For example if someone in my home was asleep and the kids were making a racket the other would encourage them to tone it down out of consideration for the one who is asleep. They wouldnt be doing it to curb anyones way of expressing themselves.

It just helps to mindful.

You seem to oppose anyone whos views take your DH into consideration. Maybe you need to self-reflect.

He doesn't like a particular behaviour of yours, is all. Behaviour is not personality, it's merely a form of expression. You could be just as passionate, sure of yourself and opinionated, and speak quietly with still arms if you chose, and that's what he's asking you to do, because he finds it all a bit much. He's not asking you to change personality and stop feeling the passion or having the opinions.
Whether you want to be told what volume, tone and hand gestures to use is entirely up to you, and I guess depends on how much you want to please him versus pleasing yourself. Excitable loyd behaviour can be tiring and stressful if you're a quieter peace loving person though, so if someone asked me to tone it down, I would try.

This is one of this scenarios where I'd like to hear from the other person too.

You say you weren't waving your arms but he said you did. Which is it?
So you were eating porridge and he Sid you were being aggressive. Why?

He said that you're ruining his day. You say 'no.'
Which is it?

Why is he saying that you need accountability?

No one , here , can make an honest judgement, other than you both sound incompatible.

Ah why post? Lots of people are suggesting why he could have said what he did without it being a criticism of you and you're dismissing it with "but I wasn't" and each post dials down your behaviour a little bit. Irrespective of who's right (and I'm leaning towards him the more you post) if you're not taking anything on board and think he's completely in the wrong then you need to re-evaluate the relationship.

That is true I am sure.
I would also add that there is another thing. I am a man, I have a big deep voice. Because of that, I try to add a lot of "please", "I think" and "maybe" or else it will be aggressive and frightening.
My wife has a much smaller voice and so it is generally not necessary and she will just say "you are wrong how could you think that?". That is pretty much necessary to make up for the imbalance in our voices.
Sometimes, this can lead to me feeling insulted, as I add caveats and polite words in a way she does not. It can be a genuinely hard balance to get right.

…just as we’re about to leave the boring meeting, there’s Hungry with her hand up wanting to ask a question, have something robustly debated and clarified…