I’m a British female going abroad with fiance and will marry him Islamically- anything I need to consider?

[Greyrabbit24]

My fiance and I are in our 20s. We are planning a visit abroad to his home country, which is Arab. We’ll be spending a day in his family’s home before travelling around the country on our own.

My fiance is not religious but his family is. We will be having a nikah, the Islamic wedding, it will be a small family thing where the imam comes to the home to give a short ceremony.

My fiance is not religious at all and this is more of a thing done to please his family.

We will be arriving late at their home so they’ve said it’s ok if we sleep together for this night as it’s one night before the nikah. I’m also aware that I’ll have to be very covered and my fiance suggested I cover my hair during the ceremony.

Just wondered if anyone had any experience with this? I’m expecting it to be a small easy thing- is there anything else worth considering? I want to be respectful to them but at the same time I don’t want to lose myself trying to please them. Thanks all!

The part I didn't write directly referred to Muslims but I don't repeat racism.

Certainly. But assuming all Arab countries are the same is ignorant and slightly racist. The country I married in has excellent rights for women in comparison with other Arab countries and many other countries in the rest of the world including some European countries.

Or hate speech

Has he British citizenship?

OP hasn't stated the country. If she is going to a country where she will have no right of free movement without her husband's permission, then yes, it is still relevant.

If your fiancé isn’t religious then why is he expecting you to go through with an Islamic marriage.

I know you say it is to please his parents. But if he really doesn’t believe then why go through with a ceremony that is meaningless to both of you

Personally know a couple of women who insisted their partners weren’t religious only for them to turn into zealots on marriage.

Have you discussed having children and them being brought up in your religion or with no religion as he isn’t religious.

I think you need to really think about all possibilities and outcomes and what you are signing up for by going through with an Islamic marriage

Don’t be a fucking idiot, is all I can say.

Its not racist to say we reject sharia philosophy

No it just means that you yourself have no understanding of cultural differences and you make yourself sound ridiculously ignorant.

Can you be slightly racist?

Tell your so called not religious fiancé that you are NOT prepared to be part of a sham Islamic ceremony and if he doesn’t like it or is willing to defend your decision against his family then the relationship is over!

what the actual hell is wrong with women! Is it desperation??? Have some self respect.

You need to check whether it counts as a full marriage or not, in the U.K. it does not if performed in the U.K., you need a civil marriage as well but this is not the same in all countries. Please check if you will be legally married in the U.K. and if not know the consequences.

I can't believe MN deleted my reply.
How is paying lipstick to a religion respectful? Pretending to believe it and pretending to be living like a Muslim just to please family? Is this not hypocrisy?

Does anyone know how I can challenge the deletion?

This.

Also, just a thought but, if he isn't a practicing Muslim then it's actually an insult to his family to prostrate infront of their deity and pretend to believe in them?

Plus

What else is he going to ask you to do or fake for his family? Rather than just being a proper grown up and making his own life choices.

And make no mistake, practicing or not, he will use his religion as a stick to beat you with if he ever falls out of love with you (or, turns out to be abusive). So always consider the implications that could come with that.

If you have kids with him and fall out for example, you'd spend your life terrified that his family could take the children. It happens a lot on here and I feel so sorry for these poor women.

You don't say where in your 20s you are...but tbh
...it's still too young to take such a mad risk.

OP, there is no reason to go through with this - it's pure hypocrisy. Is that really what you want from a marriage.

If he wants a genuine islamic marriage it should happen in the UK where your family can attend as well, and where you can understand the proceedings.

This has trick written all over it. It gains you nothing.

You may lose your freedom, any future children, he may abandon you once he has a certificate that gives him a right to a British visa. No man is worth that risk. Run as fast as you can.

Is it cultural to lie to your parents about living with your fiance? I wasn't aware of that.

What could possibly go wrong??

You want to marry a man child who is so weak he can't even tell his parents about his life? You think he isn't "religious", but I promise you, men like your partner will be every bit as religious as mummy and daddy say he has to be.

You are walking into a trap and are making a massive, massive mistake.

Ooh funnily enough I just posted how it was lip service too. Soo well see if mine gets deleted. And if not, we'll know it was something else.

It is lip service though
I mean as a Christian I wouldn't dream of asking my kids to get married in a church with a minister for me if they don't believe in god. I'd support them in whatever wedding they wished for and hope that if they ever came to faith, they'd get a blessing then.

I wouldn't want my kids lying to god. Or for them to start their married life based on lip service.

Whatever religion you come from, your God is your God and you're supposed to protect him. Not encourage people to make a mockery of him so you can save face with your pals.

What happens if the Nikkah is valid in this country? I think if it wasn't valid, that may be a blessing in disguise, but as it will be, that is far more of an issue I think. You could end up legally tied to him and his family. Bad enough in this country, but possibly a disaster in some other countries.
I suspect its a terrible idea and asking for trouble, but also that the OP is going to do it anyway. She just keeps starting threads in the hope someone will tell her some happily ever after story, then leaves when they are not forthcoming.

There's no need to catastrophise about a non-legal blessing if that is the extent of it.

Do not sign anything in a language you do not read, even if your dp translates for you. That's just good advice for life and not directed at your dp!

Having children with a man from any foreign country poses risks, some countries can be more of a worry than others.

Non-religious people often rediscover their faith later in life. Having children or losing a loved one often trigger this. You should consider whether taking part in this ceremony is you signalling that you are on board with Islam being your family religion.

It is easy for relatively non-religious people to vastly underestimate the power of religion.

But that all falls under the heading: people change. You may not like who they change into. You may want to/need to divorce at some point in the future. You should live your life accordingly.

I hope you and your dp are very happy for long years together.

Yes it is.

With some Asian culture (I can’t speak for all!) , it is not the norm to be dating. You only introduce partners to family when you are getting married. It’s not necessarily viewed amongst us as ‘lying’ we kind of develop a second identity in a way:

it’s hard to explain and I’ve spent a 20 years trying to learn how to articulate it myself, but if you are interested I think I’ve sent some articles to friends that I could dig out and share if interested..

i told a relative from my home country that people here DON’T lie to their parents about dating and she was amazed by that..

it’s just part of the challenge of growing up differently to the societal norms of western culture! Again I can’t answer for everyone, but a lot of us do accept this and are ok and comfortable with it.

Things will of course keep changing.

OP, you need to make sure you understand what your legal rights are in the country you are going to, once you have had the nikah (you may not be able to come back to the UK without his permission for example, or your property might become his). And you need to make sure you are comfortable with the fact that the marriage will likely be legally recognised in the UK and what that means for your property, his immigration status etc.

Personally I'd be a bit worried if your boyfriend has presented this as having no legal force when actually it does.

I also don't buy that a religious family are OK with you sleeping together the night before. Why can't you have a nikah in the UK?

And sorry I should add, that even when serious enough to be living with a fiancé it’s still the norm in my culture to lie about it. several of my BME British friends have lied, but I’m sure when it comes to their kids in this country it will be different when they are older.