I’m a British female going abroad with fiance and will marry him Islamically- anything I need to consider?

[Greyrabbit24]

My fiance and I are in our 20s. We are planning a visit abroad to his home country, which is Arab. We’ll be spending a day in his family’s home before travelling around the country on our own.

My fiance is not religious but his family is. We will be having a nikah, the Islamic wedding, it will be a small family thing where the imam comes to the home to give a short ceremony.

My fiance is not religious at all and this is more of a thing done to please his family.

We will be arriving late at their home so they’ve said it’s ok if we sleep together for this night as it’s one night before the nikah. I’m also aware that I’ll have to be very covered and my fiance suggested I cover my hair during the ceremony.

Just wondered if anyone had any experience with this? I’m expecting it to be a small easy thing- is there anything else worth considering? I want to be respectful to them but at the same time I don’t want to lose myself trying to please them. Thanks all!

How patronising! You don’t know her or her partner.

whilst from an Islamic point of view OP would be better off with a practicing brother, it doesn’t sound like she’s Muslim (sorry if you are) this is just her partners cultural inheritance.

Wow . Such Islamophobic and ugly posts on here , just because the op is marrying a Muslim man.

Op I would get my post removed to the Muslim board. You'll get nothing but thinly veiled racism and bigotry here masquerading as 'concern'.

Excuse my naivety, but can I ask why some of you are negatively reacting to his family letting us sleep together before the ceremony? My fiance hasn’t told them we’re living together yet, but maybe they have a suspicion we are anyway so will let us for that reason? Or do you think they’ll be angry at us even though they let us sleep together when we’re at their place? Genuinely considering getting a hotel now

Is there any way that you can verify this information? Possibly via his country's embassy website?

A nikah might not hold much value in a secular society of the west but in the Muslim world it is the core of a union between man and wife. It is a beautiful, spiritual and very emotional moment, a moment that is believed to bring much love and mercy between the hearts of the spouses being wed. The Quran states that spouses are like the garments of each other; to protect, comfort and beautify each other.

Enjoy your special day op. Sending love x

Please don’t ask on here, look at the state of these comments, you’ll get people saying it’s a trap for a bloody honour killing or something equally extreme.

you’re best off asking your partner why they are saying you can share a room when they aren’t comfortable with pre martial sex or living together prior to marriage. Maybe they’ll offer you a separate room in their home? I don’t know but he’s the best bet to ask

Are you sure you want to do this

@strawberrycheesecakey Posters are not unreasonable at all.

Posters' concerns are that the OP is travelling to a country she doesn't know, where she doesn't speak or understand the language, has no understanding of local laws and where she will be isolated from her family. She may be signing a contract that she cannot read. She may be entering into a legal contract without understanding the terms or their implications.

And that she is doing so at the request of a man who has told her to lie.

Take the word Islamic out, and my concerns would be exactly the same regardless of the country or religion.

The OP will be making herself profoundly vulnerable and the concerns of others are perfectly valid.

Exactly.
Op you need to triple check Exactly what you are getting into.

I also find it weird that your family aren't going to be with you at this service.
I know a few couples who have international relationships who have had a legal wedding in one country and a blessing in the other country. But all parents and siblings were at both.

You need to do your own independent research, not just accept what your fiance tells you. Use some common sense. If his family are religious, what makes you think a ceremony with no official standing will please them? And why do you think they'll give their blessings for you to sleep together in their home if you're not going to actually be married?

Agree with all of this. I would not enter into a marriage with a man who went to such lengths to lie to and to please his parents. Sounds very controlling.

Don't marry a man who is afraid to tell his family the truth about his relationship with you.

Fold your arms and tell him if he doesn't tell them you live together, then you will, and you will need to be present while he tells them if he opts to do so.

This situation has red flags all over it.

What spineless behaviour will happen if you have children?
What hoops will you be expected to jump through so he can make you acceptable to his family?

Fucking hell this descended basically just into Iran and weird stories fight.
The only real issue here was possible legality of the marriage and seemingly not being well aware of culture and if there were discussions about future together and how would it work really. Which OP should do. Absolutely!

But on here people with straight face shout "you must read book from 40 years ago in Iran" (which is not where OP is going considering she said her BF is Arab) and fall into mass histeria about all muslim men and sharia law (which is applied in different way in different places).

You know what. I think I will go on threads about weddings and tell them no woman should marry an Englishman. Because they beat their wifes. I have articles!
See how ridiculous it is.

Can't imagine what you would all say when I went for over a month with fresh non practicing DH to his ME country as a young under 25 woman.

I got married because I wanted to though, not because my parents wanted me to, and I didn’t have to lie to them about my lifestyle. That’s the difference.

OP has a chpice. She is not chained in a basement then dragged to wedding so presumably and with planned wedding later she wants to get married.
Many people lie to their families about their lifestyle. I know good catholic girl who did. Second her non UK parents visited, her house has been sanitised and her clothes changed. My DH still does not mention him drinking and stuff to his family and is careful not to have anything like that on SM. Is he a murderer in disguise? They also didn't know about me for a while, nor did my family know about him until we worked out how it will work.

Do I agree with that Nikkah? In this case, no. Do I think it deserved to descend into stereotype of scary arab (well mainly persian it seems) men abusers/kidnappers/behind times who will 100% beat/kidnap/whatever OP rants? Also no.

You clearly don't understand how significant virginity and so called purity are in that part of the world.

That's why you are getting married! Unmarried women do not sleep with men over there without serious harm happening to them.

Your reputation would forever be ruined if you casually sleep with your fiance, especially on the night before the wedding! I'm not sure whether your fiance is stupid or thoughtless or what. He won't be the one who is blamed. It will be you.

That's not true. At least not always.

A Nikah undertaken in the UK is not a legal marriage. A Nikkah undertaken in a Muslim country can be legal in the UK and can be registered in the UK as a marriage.

What matters in the immediate future is what status does it give you in your fiance's country. That can vary a lot, Turkey wants to join the EU and actually bans hijab in public buildings (wigs are rather fashionable) at the other end Saudi Arabia, well you basically become the property of your husband.

Excuse my naivety, but can I ask why some of you are negatively reacting to his family letting us sleep together before the ceremony? My fiance hasn’t told them we’re living together yet, but maybe they have a suspicion we are anyway so will let us for that reason?

It's more likely, and I say this out of concern not malice, that it will give his family either control over you or mean there is no dowry paid to you.

In Saudi Arabia you could be stoned to death, so the family can use that threat to control you, "we know what you did, if you don't do X. Y or Z then we will report you". Most other countries are less strict but the consequences of sharing a room (you don't have to have sex, just be in a position you could) can be dire.

Also your MIL to be may want to check the sheets in the morning.

Please, please do your research.

Are you planning on having on children? Is he a British citizen? Have you met his family before?

Have you thought of the many other things that he doesn’t agree with but will go along with just to please his family? It sounds like he’s currently living a life very different to the one he was brought up, which doesn’t necessarily means his values have changed but more his circumstances have. Which is the ‘real’ him?

I have seen far too many woman marry the non religious, non cultural conforming type only to find he suddenly finds his ‘calling’ once he marries. Remember that he is a man and when it comes to toeing the cultural line, the woman will be expected to be far more ‘flexible’.

I don’t know this man but I would seriously question any man who doesn’t have the backbone to live his truth. Lying for an easy life can become habit forming and you won’t be as forgiving, when the lies are aimed at you. Lying to his parents isn’t altruism.

I agree. I wouldn’t recommend anyone go ahead with any kind of religious ceremony to please someone else’s family. If it does become something she wants to proceed with later, when she fully understands it, that might be different.

Wow, that was a grand-canyon leap into coercion. I bet if @Greyrabbit24 was marrying into any other culture except that of her fiancee, you would not have posted that.

Op I don't understand why you're actually doing this.

You have to assume this will be a legally recognised wedding. Just the same as a Christian wedding is recognised in the UK.
Why would you not want your family there, with you?

Have you had any input into the arrangements for it?

I think you are being incredibly nieve to do this. It's easy for people to say don't sign anything. But actually there in the moment with however many people watching you how do you say no I'm not signing?

Op I've just gone looking for your other threads.
Don't do this. Go and see your Dad.

To be fair this has been pointed out to the OP multiple times now, but she doesn’t seem to want to do this. The last posts have me questioning if this is a genuine OP. I agree with you on this being the worst place to ask for advice on this particular matter.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-19440656

when I lived there over 98% of foreign women said that they experienced sexual harassment

even women I know who lived in Dubai for decades came to Alex and were encircled and harassed when out for a morning run.

the attitude to women in ALL these countries is appalling. It’s cultural.

lived experience.