Dating ex husband- teething troubles already

[Marsmalteser]

My ex husband (not divorced) and I began dating again around 8 weeks ago as we both felt we wanted to try again and had feelings for each other. We have been separated 2 years this summer.

It feels like the right thing to do, however already little irritations are creeping in. He stays over one night a week (supposedly unknown to the children) but I'm finding the mornings he's here more stressful than when he isn't. The children believe that he comes over early to walk the dog and make them breakfast (supposedly). I get them up, dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, do hair (they're girls), shower myself and get myself ready. I also make the packed lunches (do not like doing them the night before- who likes soggy wraps?!)

Last week, he made them breakfast 10 minutes before we need to leave the house which made everything late because he was doing other non- priority things.

This week, we woke before the children as agreed, I reminded him that I just needed him to walk the dog and do their breakfast. He agreed. I showered, thinking he had gone to walk the dog, I came out of the shower and went to wake the children only to find them in my room with him still lying in my bed on his phone.

He hurriedly got up and dressed, I glared at him because he had obviously broken our cover with the children.

He then told me he would make their breakfast so it wasn't late like last week. I reminded him about the conversation we'd had about walking the dog first thing so that he isn't doing his business on the lawn too often (we have a small patch of grass which the children play on) and he had agreed with this weeks ago as the children are always doing roly polys on the grass.

So he went to walk the dog and their breakfast was late again as I was busy drying my hair and getting myself ready for work and doing the children's hair and school lunches.

All because he didn't get up early enough.

I know how trivial all of this sounds but he was like this when we were together- wouldn't get up until the last minute whilst I was up earlier getting ready etc. He had 2 jobs this morning,I had many. I would be loathed to do everything as normal and pretend he wasn't here, but he was here. And now the children know he slept in my bed too.

Logistically there is no easy way for us to date so please no "suggestions" there are many nuances to this situation and I don't want to have to go into all of the whys it's difficult for us to to date weekly outside of the home in this thread. I can not stay with him for other reasons i can not go into.

We had discussed the roles we would each have in the mornings but he still found some loophole where he could maximise his time in bed regardless of the children finding out he'd stayed over. I feel like I'm micromanaging him already having spoken to him before he left this morning and him finding an excuse for everything.

Is this a red flag or a minor disagreement at this point?

There's a reason he's your ex, isn't he.

He. Won't. Change.

He's currently got all the comforts of family and married life back.

He's got you back where he wants you - in bed with him and doing all the wife work, and so sees zero reason to change, because you've taken him back.

And again - he Will. Not. Change.

Not even that. Been back 8 weeks and already stopped after 6 weeks. It really is soul destroying seeing the OP still trying to twist things around in the vain hope of "he's worth it". He's not.

We didn't have sex this week or last which I personally would prefer it if we did have sex.

I dont equate the OPs post with abuse. Do you even know what abuse looks like? Try getting to know people who have required shelters. It looks like many women would prefer a lapdog who jumps at every command. There does have to be compromise but not to the extent where walking the dog & a late breakfast would deserve this response. My opinion remains.

They don't even have sex.

So there is no change really is there? He comes round to sleep with you, then can't even get up so you can keep to your busy schedule.

If you split up once it's probably the case you should stay split up. Sorry.

yes and the children aspect to it is the most baffling

This must have been a shit show for them

Please leave. He is not worth it.

Red flags, disrespect, hills, vagina clamp shut, deserve better, gaslighting, LTB, etc.

and your ex being a deputy head Teacher by all accounts must be good with children.

Yet he can't get off the phone & out of bed to get them breakfast!

I know, there are so, so many women in abusive relationships who need to hear it. It's terrible that so many women are being treated so appallingly by men, isn't it, Bronwen?

I've been blessed with a brilliant DH. He's by no means perfect, who is. One of his weaknesses is he's never had the best sense of time. I've never had any issues with urging him to watch his time if he's distracted with things in his head he needs to do when there are family priorities. It's called accepting each others weaknesses & supporting them.

@betterangels @LittleGreenDragons @Marsmalteser

Heck...If he isn't even good at sex what the heck are you playing at?

He's just going to be irritating.

And no matter the nuance and scale of the problem, the cliched solutions are always the same. This guy failed to get out of bed to do some chores because he was on his phone. Annoying, but an abusive relationship? FFS.

''He is disconnected from his emotions- this is the main reason we split. I felt emotionally very lonely.''

@Marsmalteser
I was married to a man like this...I never felt as lonely as when lying in bed next to him.
I remember crying one Christmas as he was just shut in another room playing his guitar while the rest of the family were downstairs.

He was completely emotionally closed off.

He is on his third marriage now- and is just the same .

{I have spoken to his third wife about it}

That loneliness is awful.

My ex also didn't believe in counselling.

Our son {now an adult} also finds the emotional disconnect hard to deal with with his Dad.

Do you fear that a huge number of women are walking out of healthy, happy relationships with fabulous men because MN posters told them to?

Do you think that is happening at anywhere near the level that men are abusing women?

Bronwen?

With what's at stake now if he can't pull it out of the bag than he never ever will, and those irritations you're feeling mean that it does not feel like the right thing to do, surely?

He hurriedly got up and dressed, I glared at him because he had obviously broken our cover with the children.

This was not accidental, he did it on purpose in order to force your arm and put more pressure on you to get back together because now the kids know. Don't be fooled. End it now before it gets out of hand and you drag the kids through the shit again.

He did well there for a while.
He almost go this feet back under the table, back to a nice, cosy nest - plus - he was getting his h*le too.

Glad to see you've given him his marching orders.
He's only using you and he's a selfish prick.

I'm blessed with a brilliant DH, too. And yes, no one's perfect. But that doesn't mean we don't expect each other to do what's needful to keep the family going and not rely on the other to make up for our shortcomings. It's one thing to, oh, pick up socks off the floor. That impacts no one but me so if I choose to pick up socks and put in the basket, so be it. But wasting time and making everyone rush about to avoid being late impacts everyone in the house. That's not a 'weakness', that's disrespecting the other family members.

I expect my DH to keep up his end of the marriage 'bargain', as he does me. And we love and respect each other enough to try to 'correct' our little faults and foibles and not expect the other to cater to them or 'parent' us to avoid them.

I'm his wife, not his mother. He's my husband, not my dad.

OP's H is not keeping up his end of the bargain. And I'm sure this is just one instance of years of not keeping up his end. She shouldn't have to parent him, nor keep reminding him of what needs doing. If he doesn't respect her enough and value their marriage enough to keep up his end of the bargain, despite his 'weaknesses' she is right to say "I'm done".

Sadly if we don't go suddenly we will all rely on our partners to parent us in one way or the other. That's not being a mother or father figure. Its done out of love & caring enough to understand there are many aspects in life people often need help with before getting to that stage. Time keeping is only one of them. I'm guilty of misplacing things & often blame DH for moving stuff when he hasn't. He understands this is one of my weaknesses & he never fails to help me find things despite the fact I know it irritates him greatly. That's not being a father figure. Its being an understanding & caring husband.

@Marsmalteser

He refused to see my point of view and said "I don't see why you can't just put up with having a wakeful night once a week. I don't want to stay there."

That tells you a great deal about who and what he is, doesn't it? It's good you're not planning on wasting any more time and effort with him, except what energy you need to ensure a permanent legal separation/divorce, so that he impacts your life as little as possible. 🌹

Have you gone through an ADHD checklist for any other characteristics he has that make alignment or agreement or planning difficult?

👍

For Fucks Sake.

Every pathetic selfish man doesn't have ADHD. He is a Deputy Head, which means that he is perfectly capable of planning and meeting deadlines and being on time with tasks. It's the majority of his job.

He is choosing not to at home. If he has progressed this far in a career in education he should be aware of signs of ADHD. Suggesting the OP should scan him for possible signs of this is insulting and ridiculous.

He's just not interested in prioritising his wife,

Save me. ADHD? Another Dick Head Dad? He holds down a job perfectly well, his executive functioning seems to work when he's out of the house. He knew that they had an agreement that they were keeping that he was coming round once a week to get his leg over they were trying to save the relationship from the children, and yet he blew that by lying around in bed on his phone.

Far too comfortable, and absolutely taking the piss for someone who you'd think, if they had any respect for OP whatsoever that she would deserve a bit more respect under the circumstances.

This has nothing to do with ADHD, whatsoever.

There is a world of difference in our partner caring for us in our old age and a fully 'cognizant' partner who doesn't see the need to help the family stay on track by working on their 'lazy habit' and expects everyone around them to 'do it for them'. Being forgetful is unfortunately the result of the aging process, but not keeping track of time or staying on schedule if age isn't involved is pure disrespect, saying that one's own time is more valuable than another's time. As an aside, it's amazing to me the number of people who manage to be 'on time' to work, appointments, hobbies yet can't manage to get out the door on time when it's family activities that are involved. But I digress.

Assuming that your DH's 'inattention' to time isn't related to age or a neuro deficit, if he wanted to do better at keeping track of his time, he could. He chooses not to and you choose to do it for him. Fine. That's you and I call that being 'parental'. But that's not OP, it's not everybody and it's not 'wrong' nor indicative of being 'uncaring' if someone chooses not to do it.

DH and I have been married over 35 years. We do our best not to let our little 'imperfections' impact each other or the family. And yes, age has started to take its toll on us and of course allowances are made for that. But what we can do, we still do to the best of our ability.