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Original poster

Dating ex husband- teething troubles already

250 replies

Marsmalteser · 25/04/2024 08:31

My ex husband (not divorced) and I began dating again around 8 weeks ago as we both felt we wanted to try again and had feelings for each other. We have been separated 2 years this summer.

It feels like the right thing to do, however already little irritations are creeping in. He stays over one night a week (supposedly unknown to the children) but I'm finding the mornings he's here more stressful than when he isn't. The children believe that he comes over early to walk the dog and make them breakfast (supposedly). I get them up, dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, do hair (they're girls), shower myself and get myself ready. I also make the packed lunches (do not like doing them the night before- who likes soggy wraps?!)

Last week, he made them breakfast 10 minutes before we need to leave the house which made everything late because he was doing other non- priority things.

This week, we woke before the children as agreed, I reminded him that I just needed him to walk the dog and do their breakfast. He agreed. I showered, thinking he had gone to walk the dog, I came out of the shower and went to wake the children only to find them in my room with him still lying in my bed on his phone.

He hurriedly got up and dressed, I glared at him because he had obviously broken our cover with the children.

He then told me he would make their breakfast so it wasn't late like last week. I reminded him about the conversation we'd had about walking the dog first thing so that he isn't doing his business on the lawn too often (we have a small patch of grass which the children play on) and he had agreed with this weeks ago as the children are always doing roly polys on the grass.

So he went to walk the dog and their breakfast was late again as I was busy drying my hair and getting myself ready for work and doing the children's hair and school lunches.

All because he didn't get up early enough.

I know how trivial all of this sounds but he was like this when we were together- wouldn't get up until the last minute whilst I was up earlier getting ready etc. He had 2 jobs this morning,I had many. I would be loathed to do everything as normal and pretend he wasn't here, but he was here. And now the children know he slept in my bed too.

Logistically there is no easy way for us to date so please no "suggestions" there are many nuances to this situation and I don't want to have to go into all of the whys it's difficult for us to to date weekly outside of the home in this thread. I can not stay with him for other reasons i can not go into.

We had discussed the roles we would each have in the mornings but he still found some loophole where he could maximise his time in bed regardless of the children finding out he'd stayed over. I feel like I'm micromanaging him already having spoken to him before he left this morning and him finding an excuse for everything.

Is this a red flag or a minor disagreement at this point?

OP posts:
Original poster
Marsmalteser · 29/04/2024 08:20

He refuses to acknowledge the likely ASD @DrBlackbird . This has been an ongoing issue. A whole other thread. By profession, part of my job is to assess for autism ironically. However the distinction here is that he won't accept any help or guidance which I've learned is more of an arsehole thing than an ASD thing.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 29/04/2024 08:24

Why, just why?

marzipanlover81 · 29/04/2024 08:24

Marsmalteser · 29/04/2024 08:20

He refuses to acknowledge the likely ASD @DrBlackbird . This has been an ongoing issue. A whole other thread. By profession, part of my job is to assess for autism ironically. However the distinction here is that he won't accept any help or guidance which I've learned is more of an arsehole thing than an ASD thing.

i am fascinated that you thought it was a good idea to resume this relationship

Cerealkiller4U · 29/04/2024 08:30

Marsmalteser · 25/04/2024 08:31

My ex husband (not divorced) and I began dating again around 8 weeks ago as we both felt we wanted to try again and had feelings for each other. We have been separated 2 years this summer.

It feels like the right thing to do, however already little irritations are creeping in. He stays over one night a week (supposedly unknown to the children) but I'm finding the mornings he's here more stressful than when he isn't. The children believe that he comes over early to walk the dog and make them breakfast (supposedly). I get them up, dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, do hair (they're girls), shower myself and get myself ready. I also make the packed lunches (do not like doing them the night before- who likes soggy wraps?!)

Last week, he made them breakfast 10 minutes before we need to leave the house which made everything late because he was doing other non- priority things.

This week, we woke before the children as agreed, I reminded him that I just needed him to walk the dog and do their breakfast. He agreed. I showered, thinking he had gone to walk the dog, I came out of the shower and went to wake the children only to find them in my room with him still lying in my bed on his phone.

He hurriedly got up and dressed, I glared at him because he had obviously broken our cover with the children.

He then told me he would make their breakfast so it wasn't late like last week. I reminded him about the conversation we'd had about walking the dog first thing so that he isn't doing his business on the lawn too often (we have a small patch of grass which the children play on) and he had agreed with this weeks ago as the children are always doing roly polys on the grass.

So he went to walk the dog and their breakfast was late again as I was busy drying my hair and getting myself ready for work and doing the children's hair and school lunches.

All because he didn't get up early enough.

I know how trivial all of this sounds but he was like this when we were together- wouldn't get up until the last minute whilst I was up earlier getting ready etc. He had 2 jobs this morning,I had many. I would be loathed to do everything as normal and pretend he wasn't here, but he was here. And now the children know he slept in my bed too.

Logistically there is no easy way for us to date so please no "suggestions" there are many nuances to this situation and I don't want to have to go into all of the whys it's difficult for us to to date weekly outside of the home in this thread. I can not stay with him for other reasons i can not go into.

We had discussed the roles we would each have in the mornings but he still found some loophole where he could maximise his time in bed regardless of the children finding out he'd stayed over. I feel like I'm micromanaging him already having spoken to him before he left this morning and him finding an excuse for everything.

Is this a red flag or a minor disagreement at this point?

The issue with dating someone you’ve broken up with. Is all of the things you broke up because of…are still there. They don’t magically disappear. So the things that irritates you are still there….

WoodBurningStov · 29/04/2024 08:45

Just tell him he doesn't have to agree. It only takes one person to end a relationship and you're ending it. I'd not even bother to try and discuss it with him, he's not emotionally intelligent enough to be able to see anything other than his own perspective, which means you'll never be able to have an adult conversation or compromise

diddl · 29/04/2024 08:46

Doesn't matter if he agrees or not does it?

So he's supposed to walk his dog & spend a bit of time with/do an easy task for his kids.

But it's all too much for him?

Why isn't he walking his dog every day?

Why isn't it with him?

Sounds unbothered about his kids & his dog!

Abeona · 29/04/2024 08:46

Post removed: wrong thread.

Jeezitneverends · 29/04/2024 09:02

DrBlackbird · 29/04/2024 08:11

@Marsmalteser I know that an explanation isn’t an excuse and behaviour is behaviour, but I wondered if the ex-DH is on the ASD. The not seeing situation from anyone else’s perspective, the reflexive arguing back, the ‘disconnect’ from emotions (alexithymia), an inability to shift routines / need for routine etc. Particularly the arguing back.

Understanding this may be an explanation for his behaviour doesn’t mean accepting it, but you could suggest he read up about it to better understand himself.

Edited

Or a selfish bastard?

FlexIt · 29/04/2024 09:12

Well done @Marsmalteser for having boundaries and sticking to them

GerbilsForever24 · 29/04/2024 09:24

Well done OP. It doesn't matter if he thinks you're ridiculous, you want to end it because it's not working for YOU.

It's that classic, "well, she had such high standards that no one could live up to them" bullshit that so many men pull out. So it's YOUR fault that he couldn't meet totally normal standards.

DrBlackbird · 29/04/2024 09:33

@Marsmalteser You’re right that if he doesn’t/won’t recognise the need for help, there’s not much that you can do.

@marzipanlover81 really none of your business and whether you mean to or not, using ‘fascinating’ sounds both patronising and judgemental. It’s not a huge stretch to imagine that having children together might be part of it.

@Jeezitneverends maybe that too. Maybe both. But it can help to know where / why behaviour is occurring even if that knowledge doesn’t ultimately change the outcome.

User0224 · 29/04/2024 09:34

To be honest I don’t think it’s ever worth going back to a relationship that’s already proven at least once that it doesn’t work.

BananaLambo · 29/04/2024 09:51

Well done, OP. You’ve done the right thing for you and your children.

Shinealight99 · 29/04/2024 09:56

Personally speaking although I can appreciate the vast majority of responses I have a different point of view. When I look around me and see the struggles many families have, financial worries, unable to put healthy breakfasts out for their children, (never mind a little late) disabilities, coping with cancer etc. I'm sorry to say in the greater scheme of things in this world this complaint pales into insignificance. Children deserve better from two supposedly well off healthy adults with few worries in life, at least according to the information provided. I'm sure your a brilliant mum OP and your ex being a deputy head Teacher by all accounts must be good with children. This is just my personal opinion of the situation as it's been told on this thread.

ifeelgood · 29/04/2024 09:56

It appears to be too late now .... but I would have left it down to him to drop the kids at school.

betterangels · 29/04/2024 09:57

LamonicBibber1 · 27/04/2024 08:45

With kindness.... What the fuck are you doing? How did you and your children's mental stability slip to the bottom of your priority list? How the fuck is he a deputy head if he can't even see the ramifications of his actions? If he can't perform two incredibly basic tasks?! He can do it. He's CHOOSING NOT TO, to keep you in place.

He values you even less than you think, and clearly wants you to just be quiet and let him underachieve. I'd get formal contact in place for the kids and then finally fully flush this turd.

Yes, this. You got out once. There was a reason for that. Stay out.

TheIranianYoghurtIsNotTheIssueHere · 29/04/2024 10:32

He's an ex for a reason...

MsLuxLisbon · 29/04/2024 10:33

Shinealight99 · 29/04/2024 09:56

Personally speaking although I can appreciate the vast majority of responses I have a different point of view. When I look around me and see the struggles many families have, financial worries, unable to put healthy breakfasts out for their children, (never mind a little late) disabilities, coping with cancer etc. I'm sorry to say in the greater scheme of things in this world this complaint pales into insignificance. Children deserve better from two supposedly well off healthy adults with few worries in life, at least according to the information provided. I'm sure your a brilliant mum OP and your ex being a deputy head Teacher by all accounts must be good with children. This is just my personal opinion of the situation as it's been told on this thread.

What an absurd post. You're right that your opinion is in the minority, because it's wrong!

NonPlayerCharacter · 29/04/2024 10:35

Marsmalteser · 29/04/2024 08:20

He refuses to acknowledge the likely ASD @DrBlackbird . This has been an ongoing issue. A whole other thread. By profession, part of my job is to assess for autism ironically. However the distinction here is that he won't accept any help or guidance which I've learned is more of an arsehole thing than an ASD thing.

I'm no expert, but this is my experience too. Most people I've known with autism are keen to try to learn and while they are rigid with rules and things being straightforwardly right or wrong, it's the routine/system/rules that they are defending rather than their own sense of "I am right".

TheIranianYoghurtIsNotTheIssueHere · 29/04/2024 10:36

Shinealight99 · 29/04/2024 09:56

Personally speaking although I can appreciate the vast majority of responses I have a different point of view. When I look around me and see the struggles many families have, financial worries, unable to put healthy breakfasts out for their children, (never mind a little late) disabilities, coping with cancer etc. I'm sorry to say in the greater scheme of things in this world this complaint pales into insignificance. Children deserve better from two supposedly well off healthy adults with few worries in life, at least according to the information provided. I'm sure your a brilliant mum OP and your ex being a deputy head Teacher by all accounts must be good with children. This is just my personal opinion of the situation as it's been told on this thread.

So what would she have to go through for her struggles to count in your point of view so that she can dump him? Emotional abuse? Domestic violence? Jesus fucking Christ.

LostittoBostik · 29/04/2024 10:41

. I think for me, his stone walling reaction to anything I raise is worse than him opting for bare minimum. The lack of effort from him hurts the most. He will not understand the issues at all and will be telling himself that it isn't working because of my "changeable moods."

OP, I'm exhausted reading this. Don't settle for this. You'll be much happier on your own.

needsomewarmsunshine · 29/04/2024 10:45

Wife and housekeeper who provides sex and child care. He's got it sorted still got his own bolt hole when family life sneaks in.
Yes, he's a real catch OP but one you don't need. The dc aren't stupid they will know 'walking the dog' really?

Do yourself and the girls a favour, get your lives back to a happy threesome.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/04/2024 10:47

He is disconnected from his emotions - this is the main reason we split. I felt emotionally very lonely

I had one of those and they don't (can't?) change; there's absolutely no empathy and if they engage in counselling at all it's only to make it once again about them

Sounds as if you've made the right decision OP, but at least you tried and can never say you didn't make every effort

horseyhorsey17 · 29/04/2024 10:57

You ended things for a reason. It sounds like those reasons are still as valid as they were two years ago.

You tried. It looks like it really is time to move on now - and I know it's slim pickings as far as eligible men in their 30s (and 40s and 50s) are concerned, but unfortunately that's a man problem and not an 'us' problem. Men as a general rule need to do and be better!

oakleaffy · 29/04/2024 10:59

So you are basically shagging...and That's it?

Buy a vibrator instead.

Far less irritating.