Thinking about breakibg up with my BF because of this

[stripypillowcase]

We are both in London but 45m to 1h a part travelling by tube - on a good day. We don’t have cars. Together nearly 1 year.

I’m a single parent of a teen with some MH issues meaning I don’t ever receive any visitors except from family sometimes. So BF never came to mine.

So the deal is that I go to him either straight to mine or after dates when we meet somewhere. Obviously sometimes we do an activity and each go to their own places but if we want to be in, I go there.

Thing is - When I go to his, I end up coming back home very late, on public transport and it is rare I get home before midnight. Because of that we see each other 1x a week which is perfectly fine for me but next day I’m always exhausted - I think the stress and hypervigilance of travelling alone late at night insidiously takes it toll on me even though I was never a victm of any incidents or violence.
But when there are delays it is tough.
Drunk people at stations and tube are super annoying too.

Another thing - in nearly 12 months we have never spent the night together. Isn’t that weird? If we spent the night together at least I would travel following day during the day.
He never asked for me to stay.
At the begining it was fine as we were getting to know each other and I wanted to come home to my teen but teen is capable to stay overnight. Nevertheless the fact that he has never asked or even expressed desire of me staying the night is bothering me.

In other areas everything is great. He is responsible and emotionally intelligent, has all the qualities of a good partner so far but now I’m thinking maybe not fully emotionally available. I also don’t think he is grasping how the travelling could be dangerous for me.

Time to let go?

I have no intention to get married, move in together or have more children btw

The travel is your decision though due to your child at home. You could break up, but would that make you happier? Is the tube busy when you go on late? I find it is busy enough to be safe. Normally it is the walk home that can be a bit more isolated.

Does he know that your teen can now be left on his own overnight? Sounds like that was not the case at the beginning and if its changed he perhaps just hasn’t cottoned on to it?

But yes, after a year, once a week and not being asked to stay would bother me and I’d wonder how into me he really was. Esp if he was expecting me to travel late at night alone.

From the tube to home is the worst part and the tube is usually very busy which is a good thing but also can be stressful.
Every time I hear a horror story I feel grateful is not me but always the feeling it could be me next

And even if it is always my choice to go back home, isn’t weird that not only once in nearly 12 months he expressed he ‘wished’ I could spend the night? Or if there were alternatives for my teen at home?

I would want to stay the night and make a real relationship so I would ask him if you can and explain it's ok now? If he prevaricates there's your answer.

Have you tried saying, 'I'd really like to stay overnight.'

Just talk to him. Men are quite simple creatures I'm afraid

Can you leave your child alone if you stay over? Sure you should speak to him about it, might be a misunderstanding. Can you get a quick cab home at the station?

That is exactly the point. Nearly 12 months on and he never once asked. Or expressed desire for me to stay / find a way to stay.

And I have been talking about the travelling. The other day I said that there is no way I’d be the only one travelling if I could receive viitors. He would have to come to mine too.

After a year, I find it strange that you don't feel comfortable talking to him about it.

Maybe he doesn't want you to stay. But maybe he thinks asking you would be putting pressure on you (in terms of your teen) and is waiting for you to raise it. Why don't you invite him to yours?

Just also to say as a side issue: is the travel hypervigilance proportionate? I don't know your experience but is there a back story. I feel ok on London public transport at midnight, but maybe your story is different.

Yes. That is what I’m thinking.
I gave it nearly a year. I tried. Seems like a comfortable FWB although we are exclusive.

Now time to find the right words to discuss the situation and perhaps come to an end.

Communicate with them. How are they meant to know all this from your situation? And you may find out their thoughts of not staying overnight together etc..

It is not even about him asking or me staying
But you know when you are with someone and they say ‘I wish you didn’t need to go’
Never happened

And to be perfectly honest, I don’t feel like it either. Maybe because it is past the time when this should happen.

The teen has severe social anxiety even with people she knows and family - having people in the house is extremely stressful for her and if he was to come it would be a very uncomfortable situation for the 3 of us.
Also I don’t feel it is time to introduce them to each other.

Seems like the lack of intimacy thst spending the night / waking up together brings is making me feel meh

Have you tried talking to him?
"DP, traveling back is really tiring can I stay over sometimes?"
See what his response is.

I feel ok, as I said never had a problem.
But when I have to do it week after week knowing I just had to leave his house…especially cold nights.

Outwardly I don’t feel I’m hypervigilant and I seem very confident but the exhausting next day is disproportionate - I feel completely dead next day hence me thinking that on the subconscious level, something is going on.

Thats just weird, he expects or wants you to leave after sex of an evening every time? Think that would make me feel kicked out after a shag. He's not BF material, better to move on as this has not progressed far in a year.

Well, have you ever once suggested or expressed your wish to stay over?? If not, why not?

If yes, what did he say?

Oooh, no way I’d never say that even though I know I should and it is normal

I just think it should come from him

Exactly even though there is not even sex every time but that is exactly how I’m feeling

No I have never and I won’t

It is his house, his call, that is how I see it

If he wanted he would say something, anything

'I just think it should come from him.'

Wouldn't it be nice if men were more like woman! Sadly you need to be straightforward!!

It is his house, I’m a guest

Also I dont want it to happen because I asked (and I’m 100% sure he would say yes, no doubt) but not necessarily because it is what he wants but because I asked and said that I don’t want to travel.
Of couse he know if he said no with any other excuse, that would be the last time seeing me

But
I want to know if this is something he wants and the only way is by him bringing this up not me

I have already mentioned all the issues with travelling

I think at the moment it is just too convinient for him

What's the point of being in a relationship if you can't sit down and communicate?

Why can't you say that the travelling home late at night is stressful so how would he feel if you stayed over and left in the morning now that your child is old enough to be left alone one night a week?

He will either say yes I would love that or he will have a reason for you not to stay.

No op! This isn’t right. Trust your instincts. I’m with you all of the way on this.

Sorry to say but when a man is not concerned about your safety and isn’t making you feel particularly welcome, then I would conclude that you are “convenient” but not the love of his life.

Time to give him the big heave ho!

You really deserve much better 💐