Thinking about breakibg up with my BF because of this

[stripypillowcase]

We are both in London but 45m to 1h a part travelling by tube - on a good day. We don’t have cars. Together nearly 1 year.

I’m a single parent of a teen with some MH issues meaning I don’t ever receive any visitors except from family sometimes. So BF never came to mine.

So the deal is that I go to him either straight to mine or after dates when we meet somewhere. Obviously sometimes we do an activity and each go to their own places but if we want to be in, I go there.

Thing is - When I go to his, I end up coming back home very late, on public transport and it is rare I get home before midnight. Because of that we see each other 1x a week which is perfectly fine for me but next day I’m always exhausted - I think the stress and hypervigilance of travelling alone late at night insidiously takes it toll on me even though I was never a victm of any incidents or violence.
But when there are delays it is tough.
Drunk people at stations and tube are super annoying too.

Another thing - in nearly 12 months we have never spent the night together. Isn’t that weird? If we spent the night together at least I would travel following day during the day.
He never asked for me to stay.
At the begining it was fine as we were getting to know each other and I wanted to come home to my teen but teen is capable to stay overnight. Nevertheless the fact that he has never asked or even expressed desire of me staying the night is bothering me.

In other areas everything is great. He is responsible and emotionally intelligent, has all the qualities of a good partner so far but now I’m thinking maybe not fully emotionally available. I also don’t think he is grasping how the travelling could be dangerous for me.

Time to let go?

You are choosing to communicate poorly and make your life unnecessarily difficult. Why?

You - I'd really like to stay. What do you think about that?

Him - I would love that - I haven't asked because I haven't wanted to put pressure on you/can I think about that/I wouldn't like that because of x, y and z.

It's a crappy relationship if both of you are unable to have a basic conversation.

Thanks

Do you agree that I should not ask to stay and it should come from him?

I would ask "why haven't you ever mentioned me staying over?"

This is not how it works when a man really cares for a woman

Or at least this is not how I wanted my relationship to be

Good luck with the mind reading and hope the refusal to ask for your needs to be met goes well!

I e been married for over 20 years and I'd really recommend asking for what you want and listening to his answer. At the moment you're playing all this out in your head and he probably hasn't got a clue. Don't test him, just ask and let him show you who he is. Then you can decide what to do next.

The teen has severe social anxiety even with people she knows and family - having people in the house is extremely stressful for her

Yet he doesn't care you have to travel late on the Tube which is not on. (I wouldn't even do that).

He doesn't care about you, sorry. Just wants the fuck. (I get it, I love it too).

I'm a single mum and no way would I let some random man who obviously does not have my best interests at heart come before my child. Just have to accept sex takes a back seat.

What would happen to your child if you were attacked or had an accident? Have you sorted out your administration, who will take care of her if something happened to you? Have you made a will etc.?

Thank you

Spot on

I really don't see it is spot on.
How is he meant to know that you want to stay over if you don't talk to him?
If you don't want him over he might just have thought you also didn't want to stay over.
Unless you talk to your partner about what you want you are relying on his mind reading skills and that makes life difficult for you both.
If you don't tell him that you find traveling at stressful and dangerous how is he meant to guess that?
He might be a selfish arse after you talk to him, in which case ditch him. But currently you just don't know that.

My DH cares for me and vice versa but we have learned to communicate about our needs and wants if they aren't getting met.
Communication is really important in relationships.

He obviously doesn’t want you to stay the night and you don’t seem to be very close, so I would say it’s time for you to finish the relationship.

And maybe he thinks you need to volunteer you’re comfortable?! I can’t deal with people who are incapable of articulating their wants in a relationship but are deeply unhappy their partner is equally incapable, even though if anyone has a reason to respect your inability to stay it’s him!
i also don’t find the tube at midnight at all exhausting.

@siameselife

I spoke about the travelling already

I dont even want to stay at his - it would feel so awkward now after nearly 12 months
I love sleeping in my bed, waking up in my own home

The point here is that I find it weird he NEVER ever mentioned anything of wshing could stay - wishing he could wake up next to me in the morning…the kind of things a man in love would say…

The problem is not communication eithet.

I wanted to hear the above for the sake of it. Without having to ask. Sure it is normal?
I’m sure is not unrealistically too romantic.

However when comes to emotions he has never been verbally expresive. I go by his actions - but if I think about he leeting me travel alone late night, this is the only time his actions seem to lack.

Yes I agree with this.
If you are confused in any way in a relationship it’s because you are not being treated right.

If a man is really into you, you will know for sure. This man is treating you as a convenience and not being concerned for your safety on public transport late at night is a HUGE red flag !!

Listen to your gut !

I find the tube at midnight exhausting and dreadful

What I want is for him to say without me having to ask - hence I can’t say what I want

Any other issue communication is good

It sounds as though you want a different approach to your relationship, more romance and emotional conversations led by him.
If it isn't working for you then you can end it.
If you don't want a conversation first you can just end it.
It might be he doesn't particularly want you to stay but equally wouldn't mind if you did.

To add to what I’ve already said,OP, aside from him showing no concern for your safety at night, this is too one sided for a healthy relationship. You’re doing all the work and he’s sitting back doing nothing.

Knowing your situation, he could at least suggested meeting you more locally to you and then travelling back himself. Even suggesting a hotel for the night together would be nice occasionally.

He makes no effort for you.
If he was really interested in being with you, distance would be no issue and he’d make it work for both of you.

People suggesting he’s not aware your teen can be left overnight are just making excuses for him. He should be interested enough in you and your life to find out for himself.

Dump and move on.

Could you mention that you have a night away booked soon 'it's great that I can do that now as DD is OK to be left alone for the night'. Or have a night away the two of you? See what he says.

Do you love him?
I don’t understand where this is all heading if neither of you want to live together.
45min-1hr on the tube wouldn’t be my idea if fun.
When you mentioned your DD to him and said if not for her you would expect him to tube to you, what did he say?

It sounds like you are fed up… it’s run its course perhaps.

So you stay at his, spend the evening together, have sex and you get the last tube home?

Does he ever express concern and ask you to text him when you get home?

Does he ever say, 'no, please don't go, stay, can you stay? If not now, next week?'

This sounds like a fuck buddy to me otherwise.

I dont even want to stay at his - it would feel so awkward now after nearly 12 months
I love sleeping in my bed, waking up in my own home

You want him to ask you to stay over.
But you don't want to let him know that it's an option.
And you don't even want to stay over anyway.

Sorry but you sound incredibly hard work. There is a communication issue and it's at least 50% your doing. As far as he is aware, you can't stay over because of not wanting to leave dd at home overnight - that was the situation earlier, and from what you've posted, you've never told him any different. So a decent partner wouldn't push the issue - they wouldn't suggest it or mention it because it would be pressuring/guilt tripping when they believe it's not even an option. They would also be reasonably expecting you to tell them if circumstances had changed making you available to stay over.

However, if your teenage dd really has such severe social anxiety that they can't cope with anyone coming to their home, then I'm not sure it's a good idea to leave them alone overnight. What if there was some kind of emergency, or even just a caller at the front door? If your bf knows much about your dd, then maybe he thinks it's not a good idea to leave her alone overnight anyway.

OP are you and your boyfriend from the same culture and country?

Is there a language difference?

(dating in London is always very international!).

You are just scared he might say no when you ask to stay over. Get over it. Not every man conforms to a textbook of how every man should act and what they should say.

Just ask him, for God's sake. Otherwise, you'll be waiting for him to make a move every time.

Maybe he's aware you have a child at home and doesn't wnat you to feel pressured into staying over? So he never mentions it as he knows you're already finding once a week to be an annoying struggle and he doesn't want to add any more pressure??

You're making a lot of assumptions on what he might be thinking/feeling

Why not just talk about it?