Thinking about breakibg up with my BF because of this

[stripypillowcase]

We are both in London but 45m to 1h a part travelling by tube - on a good day. We don’t have cars. Together nearly 1 year.

I’m a single parent of a teen with some MH issues meaning I don’t ever receive any visitors except from family sometimes. So BF never came to mine.

So the deal is that I go to him either straight to mine or after dates when we meet somewhere. Obviously sometimes we do an activity and each go to their own places but if we want to be in, I go there.

Thing is - When I go to his, I end up coming back home very late, on public transport and it is rare I get home before midnight. Because of that we see each other 1x a week which is perfectly fine for me but next day I’m always exhausted - I think the stress and hypervigilance of travelling alone late at night insidiously takes it toll on me even though I was never a victm of any incidents or violence.
But when there are delays it is tough.
Drunk people at stations and tube are super annoying too.

Another thing - in nearly 12 months we have never spent the night together. Isn’t that weird? If we spent the night together at least I would travel following day during the day.
He never asked for me to stay.
At the begining it was fine as we were getting to know each other and I wanted to come home to my teen but teen is capable to stay overnight. Nevertheless the fact that he has never asked or even expressed desire of me staying the night is bothering me.

In other areas everything is great. He is responsible and emotionally intelligent, has all the qualities of a good partner so far but now I’m thinking maybe not fully emotionally available. I also don’t think he is grasping how the travelling could be dangerous for me.

Time to let go?

Mine is 17 and very mature in some areas, I leave plenty of food and snacks and I’m on call all the time glued to my phone that is never on silent

I believe she could stay by herself overnight, she would just go to sleep. She would not miss my company one night a week only. She is all the time in her bedroom anyway.

She rarely sees her dad but she rarely sees anyone

Is there a chance he could be writing the reverse post on another forum. My girlfriend doesn't want to stay over/leaves after sex?

Sounds like you don't communicate at all, and without it there can't be much depth to the relationship.

If you think he really is happy with the set up, then I'd agree with others; it's a FWB situation, and if the travelling causes anxiety then call it a day.

This is a case of you wanting something without telling him you want it, then getting annoyed he hasn’t read your mind.

But go ahead and break up with him over it!

Yes, over 50, never married
Said not against marriage just never found a woman he wanted to get married to
All of his family and friends are married, I joke he is the only single guy in his circle which is true

I haven't rtft, but the fact you've never raised that you have an issue travelling home after would lead him to think you're fine with it.
Have the conversation with him, why should it be down to him?! And staying it's his house etc is ridiculous, you need to communicate, imagine if you had any real issues in your relationship, how would you deal with those?!

I can only WFH because teen has online tutoring and I have to stay in but when I go out on days off to whatever, she is fine

If only there was some way to find out what he is thinking...

You guessed wrong! She had quite severe ones but we’ve had to navigate through them. I want my teen to have a full life and I want to have a full life too! Therapists say sometimes they have to get out of their comfort zones to get better - some of that was lead by my DD wanting to get better. I saw the therapist as she refused. My teen much better after 18 months of hell and hopefully off to uni 🩷

The fact you're only replying to the posts that make out your BF is in the wrong and ignoring all the posts that say he might be trying to not pressure you and you need to talk to him says everything.

You seem like hard work and he probably deserves someone who can communicate with him like an adult.

At the begining it was fine as we were getting to know each other and I wanted to come home to my teen but teen is capable to stay overnight

I'm assuming you communicated this to him. So less than a year ago you told him you didn't want to stay over because you had to go home to your teen. And you haven't communicated anything since (and are flat out refusing to).

How in the name of God is he meant to know that things have changed? You told him you didn't want to stay over, so he's respecting that and not pushing your boundaries.

And you don't even want to stay over now? You are expecting telepathy and setting him up to fail tests he doesn't even know about. This is truly toxic game-playing. If you don't want to continue the relationship then you don't need any of these made-up reasons, you can just end it if it's not working out for you. But he hasn't done anything wrong.

I’ve tried to put myself in his shoes.

He knows you’ve got a teen with issues. He’s ask to stay at yours but it was a flat no.
Maybe he doesn’t ask as he thinks you’ll say no &/or doesn’t want to put pressure on. I know others have said this but that’s my view. You won’t know unless you ask and you can’t expect him to be a mind reader. He might be thinking exactly the same thing. “Why does she never say she wants to stay?”

If you want it to continue I would recommend that you talk to him. Not at the point of sleeping over but away from that so you can have a proper discussion about it and he can be honest.

If you don’t, the fairest thing is to tell him it’s over.

Right, so you do want to break up with him because you're not feeling it. That's perfectly valid, you don't need any deeper reason to call something off. But you're so passive and afraid of communication that you have to frame him as the "bad guy" in some sense. This is a you issue. Just break up with him!

Suggest booking a hotel for a night for a treat and see what he says.

So you don't even want to stay over?! So what you want is - for him to express he wants you to stay over (even though all he's heard from you is that you cant) and then you tell him no??? Thats just.. not a relationship. Its a game.

This. I think you're making a bit heavy weather of a late night Tube journey, tbh. I've done it a million times and I really don't feel it requires "hypervigilance". The Tube is very safe, and so is walking around most areas late.

YANBU to end a relationship for any reason if you feel it isn't meeting your needs, though.

He isn't using you for sex as you often go there and hang out and play board games. He walks you to the station every time. He's clearly been very understanding that you can't ever have him over (which would be a big deal for a lot of people). He understands that you can't stay over due to your daughter. He doesn't put any pressure or emotionally blackmail you to stay. He sounds lovely!

However unless you are going to have the actual decency to communicate with him like a normal grown up, I think you should break up with him so he can find someone that can as it sounds like he deserves that tbh.

Okay, having read the more recent posts, yes you should break up with him because apparently you aren't ready for a relationship.

I dont even want to stay at his - it would feel so awkward now after nearly 12 months. I love sleeping in my bed, waking up in my own home

So you want him to to want you to stay over, but actually if he asked you wouldn't actually want to stay anyway?

It all sounds incredibly childish given you're both in your fifties and you have a teenager at home.

Sounds like a fwb situation. He gets what he wants (as you do, I suppose) but you don’t stop over. He’s happy for you to travel alone in the tube?? I know you make the decision to do that but doesn’t seem like he’s that bothered.

That is wonderful to hear
I know exactly what you mean

They just need their own time and go through what they have to go through and meanwhile it is imperative we carry on living a full life (with reasonable adjustments) and not become co-dependent

uhh?
I agreed with some posters that said I could talk

But obviously the ones who validate my feelings have a better grasp of what I’m clumsily trying to convey

It does seem like a communication problem and sure there is a percentage of it but the core issue is something else that not all here seemed to get

When it gets to the point where it seems too much effort then it's ok to reassess. It worked for a while.

I had similar experiences. Living different sides of the same city, no cars, we got together before Christmas so it was all new and exciting for the cold weather, then spring, then summer, then..... WINTER. we got through that winter but then covid hit and that really clarified what winter difficulties raised.

OP - if you want to end it, end it. You don't need to make it his fault.
The poor bloke hasn't done anything apart from respect your wishes. Do the brave and kind thing and rip the plaster off.

Op I know this isn’t AIBU but I do think you’re being unreasonable to expect him to read your mind. I have a 16 year old and I can’t imagine leaving her on her own at night in a year’s time. I’m not saying you’re wrong, you know that she is mature enough, but he might have the same view that you wouldn’t leave her - especially if he can’t meet her because she has anxiety. Maybe he would love to have you all night but thinks your daughter takes priority which is why he hasn’t asked. Maybe he doesn’t feel like this, but until you have a conversation you won’t know.

Except I’m not 50