Thinking about breakibg up with my BF because of this

[stripypillowcase]

We are both in London but 45m to 1h a part travelling by tube - on a good day. We don’t have cars. Together nearly 1 year.

I’m a single parent of a teen with some MH issues meaning I don’t ever receive any visitors except from family sometimes. So BF never came to mine.

So the deal is that I go to him either straight to mine or after dates when we meet somewhere. Obviously sometimes we do an activity and each go to their own places but if we want to be in, I go there.

Thing is - When I go to his, I end up coming back home very late, on public transport and it is rare I get home before midnight. Because of that we see each other 1x a week which is perfectly fine for me but next day I’m always exhausted - I think the stress and hypervigilance of travelling alone late at night insidiously takes it toll on me even though I was never a victm of any incidents or violence.
But when there are delays it is tough.
Drunk people at stations and tube are super annoying too.

Another thing - in nearly 12 months we have never spent the night together. Isn’t that weird? If we spent the night together at least I would travel following day during the day.
He never asked for me to stay.
At the begining it was fine as we were getting to know each other and I wanted to come home to my teen but teen is capable to stay overnight. Nevertheless the fact that he has never asked or even expressed desire of me staying the night is bothering me.

In other areas everything is great. He is responsible and emotionally intelligent, has all the qualities of a good partner so far but now I’m thinking maybe not fully emotionally available. I also don’t think he is grasping how the travelling could be dangerous for me.

Time to let go?

The problem is not communication eithet

You don't know what he wants. He doesn't tell you. You think about how things 'should' be, but he doesn't seem to know about it, and you're not getting what you want, without him realising.

The problem is communication. If you can't talk about something this basic after a year, you're not even friends, let alone 'in a relationship'.

What would the relationship look like, if he suddenly started doing things 'the way they should be'?

Where is he supposed to get the information, by the way, of how a relationship 'should' be? You seem to know, and he seems not to. None of which makes sense.

I agree with this. He isn’t a mind reader. You told him you can’t stay because of your teen, and he probably thinks he’s being considerate by not putting pressure on you. If you now said “teen has made real progress and is happy to be left overnight alone” he’d probably go “great, want to stay over?”

Alternative view though: your expectations of a relationship are not how he behaves. You will tie yourself in knots given you both seem like you don’t want to communicate. You might be better suited to someone with a more open communication style.

I think you're being silly about it, sorry.
You set the boundary for him at the start that your house is off limits.
You also set the boundary that you would need to go home to your teen (presumably that was your decision at the time).
He knows your teen has some health issues. How is he supposed to realise that the boundaries are changing?
If the rest of the relationship is good, then all it takes is a conversation that says 'hey, X has said they feel comfortable enough to stay alone. Shall we plan a night together?'. If his response isn't what you want, then chuck it in, but it sounds like you're just trying to find an excuse- if you're not feeling it then just be honest and finish it.

Being unable to communicate your needs in a relationship is never going to result in a healthy relationship. While in an ideal world he would have expressed a wish for you to stay, you don’t know without communicating whether he might just be being very sensitive to the fact you’ve got a teenager you don’t feel comfortable leaving alone.

Yes because if it is only me trying to add depth it feels one sided

I wished he would break up so I would’t have to

There is nothing blatantly bad or toxic so I will have to use the famous ‘it is not you, it is me’ line

Still not easy and a bit sad

@stripypillowcase I’ve read most of your responses and it seems this man is emotionally quite guarded or potentially quite immature or selfish.Does he ever say to you, messsge me when you get home? Just that sentiment would say it all! I get you, lone travelling in London can be scary and unpredictable. I think you both spending limited time together has maybe stumped the relationships growth or maybe you have reached as far as you would get with this man?
I am guessing he’s mid 40s to 50 and never been married?

He does come to my area when I’m not up to travel or go to his but then we just stay in public and yeah, never suggested a hotel near me or call me an uber

Actually, he walks me to the station from his everytime - once when it was very cold and at the start of the relationship - he mentioned calling me an uber but I believe he was talking about an uber from his to the station. The look on my face made him change his mind very quick. He was already trying to create more comfort in his comfort zone.

Of course an uber from his to the station is not a bad idea, but too easy for him and for his convinience only

If it was an uber all the way to my home, then it is real concern for my well being

Just ask him to stay the night. He’s not a mind reader and he may think you want to travel back to your teen.

Does he actually know your teen can stay home alone now? If he's anything like my dp and he thinks they can't, he won't be going round expressing how he wishes you could stay over because he'll feel like he's putting pressure on you

But I do think you should make it clear that you can stay over night! He might just not want to put pressure on you. How is he at communicating with you and giving you affection ect? Look at the whole picture. Would you miss his company if you were to end it?

I think I could love him if there was a bit more depth from him

I want a stable relationship, don’t need to live together to achieve that

When I mentioned I was getting fed up with the travel and things would have to be different if I could host he said that we would have to figure out how to take in turns…then I said easy, always your turn, haha
Then we agreed that we would go to whomever is closet to whatever activity or depend on the next day’s plan
But of course this is easy to say knowing chances of it happening are slim and I will be the one travelling

The look on my face made him change his mind very quick. He was already trying to create more comfort in his comfort zone

But why wouldn't you want him to be comfortable in his comfort zone?! This is odd, OP. It's like you don't want to tell him what you want, and you don't want him to do what he wants. And you're insistent that you don't have a communication issue, despite

I wished he would break up so I would’t have to!

I think I could love him if there was a bit more depth from him

But you can't even tell him something as shallow as 'I'd like to stay the night'. How is he supposed to be deep with you when you won't even share practical matters with him?

He sounds like my husband great in most areas but needs direct to the point communication. If you were happy traveling to begin with how is suppose to know it’s now an issue?

Before breaking up I would have a conversation about what could change / say your frustrations. Give him a chance, if he doesn’t change or see you points then go your separate ways

Does he ever say, 'no, please don't go, stay, can you stay? If not now, next week?'

This is exactly the point, he never ever said it. Regardless of how late I’m leaving.
And is not that I go there for sex only. Sometimes there is no sex at all.

TBH he is always up to do something, I’m the one who loves staying in, so sometimes I just go there to chill while he is cooking. We play board games or watch movies. Or just order food.

So it just breaks the flow when I have to keep checking the time and then get ready to go out again in the dark / cold etc

How old is your teen? Any younger than 18 I would not be leaving them on their own until midnight once a week, I’m guessing they don’t see their dad. Is he really worth it?

Yes he always say text me when you get home and is awake when I do, replies back straight away, still…

There is this too, I won’t know if I don’t ask

I think you are making this more difficult than it needs to be to be honest.

You didn’t stay over through you own choice, one of the reasons being your teenager. You can’t have him at the house Due to your teenagers mental health. You are really busy with work and other things that you have going on.

He probably feels like saying things like ‘wish you didn’t have to go’ or ‘do you want to stay’ is putting pressure on you and it would be unfair to that. I would never ask someone to stay knowing they had previously expressed they couldn’t, in part, due to the fact that had a seriously mentally unwell child at home. I would expect that person to tell me they think their child would be ok at home alone.

Then you say ‘wish he would break up with me so I don’t have to’, why? You want to break up because he doesn’t just know the situation has changed. He doesn’t just know that you now want to stay over. But you want him to do the breaking up. Despite you being the one wanting to break up.

You need to start taking charge of your own part in the relationship. You want change of the status quo. Speak up. Don’t expect him to just know. You want to break up, do it. Don’t expect him to just know you don’t want to be with him and do it for you.

It’s all very strange. You are really passive in these decisions and out the responsibility onto him to just know what you want, what your are thinking and do it all for you.

No one gets all their needs met in a relationship by chance. Or because the person just knows exactly what you want and when you want it. It’s communication. People in good relationships, listen and learn and eventually they can get better (not always) at anticipating your needs.

If you don’t want to be with him that’s ok. Just end it.

I think the Op has enough restrictions on her life without putting this one on her too! My teen is 17 and happy to stay home alone till late, I just make sure she feels safe / has plenty of food on hand or I order her something to be delivered. Unless her teen has expressed a wish not to be alone, I think it is fine and a good way for them to grow up and become a bit more independent. I think the teen is an older teen from what I’ve read earlier.

He was raised in the US and I bave been here for 18 years. I’m not a native speaker but I don’t believe there is a language barrier

If he was in the US, his date / GF would have a car or he would have to drive her home.
In my country of origin would be the same.

But here in London public transport makes car redundants for most part

I’m guessing your teen hasn’t got mental health issues and so much anxiety that they can’t have anyone else in the house, she’s already leaving her for work and I’m not saying OP shouldn’t have a social life but I feel it’s a lot.

Christ this is exhausting to read, never mind be part of.

OP you say you want a stable relationship, but a big part of that is communicating with the other person.

I'd think he doesn't ask you to stay so as not to make you feel pressured or guilt-tripped when (to his knowledge) you can't. If you'd come here to say 'I can't stay over at my boyfriend's place because of DC but he asks me to every time' then he'd be the bad guy.

You need to TELL him that the situation has changed or he won't know. But given that you don't actually want to stay over anyway, and all this angst is based on conjecture and assumption, then perhaps you should just TELL him that it's over as that sounds easier for everyone.

At the start of my previous relationship, I wasn't happy leaving my teens alone overnight. As time went on, they matured and they were able to be left alone overnight.

X never asked me to stay over, because he'd listened to me when I said I can't stay over.

As soon as I said "It is alright to stay over tonight, isn't it?" , I learnt that he didn't ask me to stay, as he was being respectful and had listened to what I'd said. He didn't want to put me in a position where he made me feel I was choosing my children or him. So he never mentioned me staying over, as much as he'd wanted me to.

Most men accept the situation for what it is. They don't say what they would want, as they know it's unrealistic. He's never going to ask you to stay, or indicate he wants you to stay, if he knows you can't.

If after a year you can't have this simple conversation with him, then yes, end things. He needs someone who'll be open and honest with him rather than expect him to do what you want him to do without you telling him.

What happened in the beginning? Did you express a wish to always go back home to your teen?

You say you have a "deal" how did that conversation go?

Basically, does he not care, or have you drawn a boundary in the beginning that he is now not crossing over/isn't aware it has changed.

If you don't want to be direct , maybe mention your teen is ok to be left overnight now and that's great because you can do x,y,z and see if he picks up on it.