Thinking about breakibg up with my BF because of this

[stripypillowcase]

We are both in London but 45m to 1h a part travelling by tube - on a good day. We don’t have cars. Together nearly 1 year.

I’m a single parent of a teen with some MH issues meaning I don’t ever receive any visitors except from family sometimes. So BF never came to mine.

So the deal is that I go to him either straight to mine or after dates when we meet somewhere. Obviously sometimes we do an activity and each go to their own places but if we want to be in, I go there.

Thing is - When I go to his, I end up coming back home very late, on public transport and it is rare I get home before midnight. Because of that we see each other 1x a week which is perfectly fine for me but next day I’m always exhausted - I think the stress and hypervigilance of travelling alone late at night insidiously takes it toll on me even though I was never a victm of any incidents or violence.
But when there are delays it is tough.
Drunk people at stations and tube are super annoying too.

Another thing - in nearly 12 months we have never spent the night together. Isn’t that weird? If we spent the night together at least I would travel following day during the day.
He never asked for me to stay.
At the begining it was fine as we were getting to know each other and I wanted to come home to my teen but teen is capable to stay overnight. Nevertheless the fact that he has never asked or even expressed desire of me staying the night is bothering me.

In other areas everything is great. He is responsible and emotionally intelligent, has all the qualities of a good partner so far but now I’m thinking maybe not fully emotionally available. I also don’t think he is grasping how the travelling could be dangerous for me.

Time to let go?

You could always just take the time-honoured route for teenage dickheads and be really horrible to him until he breaks up with you, OP.

OP - it sounds like you both contribute to playing the game by not expressing your needs clearly. One of you has to break this cycle. Let’s say it’s you. Your options are 1) speak up which will lead to working through this issue or ending the relationship 2) end the relationship without discussing the issue. The current situation is making you miserable so act on it.

Instead of waiting for him to broach staying overnight why don't you mention it?

Honestly OP sounds exhausting! This is ridiculous- mention staying over or end it.

@stripypillowcase If half of us aren't getting it can you try to articulate it?

@stripypillowcase

"Do you agree that I should not ask to stay and it should come from him?"

You are COMPLETELY hung up on this aspect of your relationship, which seems to be the reason nothing is getting better.

Sometimes you need to put people (and your relationships) before your principles.

…but you don’t want to stay over!!

On the one hand you want him to be able to read your mind so that he can know that you want him to ask you to stay over.

At the same time you don't want him to be able to read your mind because if he did, he'd know that you've got no intention of staying over.

Crucially, what you have actually said to him in both words and actions up to this point is that you don't want to stay over.

So he doesn't ask you and from your point of view he's getting it wrong. If he does, you'll turn him down, and so from his point of view he'd have got it wrong. Either way he's in the wrong.

I mean this with the kindest of intentions but have you ever considered having therapy to explore your approach to relationships?

I thought she did want to? That's the point of the thread isn't it?

No, she wants him to want her to stay over, even though she can't because of her teenager

At 01:42 OP posted "I dont even want to stay at his - it would feel so awkward now after nearly 12 months I love sleeping in my bed, waking up in my own home"

Oh I missed that bit

Strange!

So you want him to mind read, or to dump you so you don't have to? How about you tell him what you actually want?

Very

This is just absolutely daft.

He knows you have commitments at home, so he's not pressuring you to stay over night. You're the one who wants things to change, yet you're not willing to actually have a conversation with him.

It sounds like you have an open invitation to go to his house, and presumably he's not actively kicking you out of the house at the end of the evening. You're the one who keeps getting up of your own volition and leaving, just stop doing that!

I've never had to be invited to stay or had to invite someone to stay the night. We just generally didn't get back out of bed after sex, and voila, we've stayed!

Did you ever consider that maybe he's actually being really considerate by not asking you to stay because he thinks your child needs you at home and doesn't want to make you feel torn. He's not a mind reader. Tell him you can stay, but realistically where is the relationship going if he can never go to your house?

But she says she can't stay overnight anyway because of her teenager, and even says she wouldn't want to even if she was asked

It's bonkers.

I grew up in a ‘3rd’ world very violent country where petty thieves and police alike carries actual guns so I think the hypervigilance comes from there. It is learned cultural behaviour.

I used to live in London and know exactly what you mean about the midnight tubes. I can understand how you feel wiped out the next day, too.

He's got it all his own way, hasn't he? He's able to stay at home while you make all the effort to get there and back.

If he was a really decent guy he'd want to talk to you about the possibility of you staying over. He might suggest you coming over for the day instead so that you could get home easily. Once a month he might pay for an Uber for you. He's doing none of these things, is he?

Maybe he's trying to be sensitive to your situation and not put pressure on you? I was in a long distance relationship and my partner would say at the end of our time together I wish you didn't have to go etc and honestly ot just made me feel like crappie and guilty that I lived so far away and couldn't move in together/or near due to my family situation. Having an honest onversation with him is the only way to resolve this.

She doesn’t want to stay over!!

Well, but she explicitly doesn’t want him to come to hers, so it’s not really ‘have it all his way’. And she also told him that she can’t stay over because of her DC.

Maybe I dont feel like I want to stay over because I have the impression that he doesnt want me to stay

But she can't stay over because of her teenager (and doesn't want to anyway according to her later posts). He can't stay with her either because of said teenager.

She just wants him to ask her to stay, even though she'd say no anyway!