Thinking about breakibg up with my BF because of this

[stripypillowcase]

We are both in London but 45m to 1h a part travelling by tube - on a good day. We don’t have cars. Together nearly 1 year.

I’m a single parent of a teen with some MH issues meaning I don’t ever receive any visitors except from family sometimes. So BF never came to mine.

So the deal is that I go to him either straight to mine or after dates when we meet somewhere. Obviously sometimes we do an activity and each go to their own places but if we want to be in, I go there.

Thing is - When I go to his, I end up coming back home very late, on public transport and it is rare I get home before midnight. Because of that we see each other 1x a week which is perfectly fine for me but next day I’m always exhausted - I think the stress and hypervigilance of travelling alone late at night insidiously takes it toll on me even though I was never a victm of any incidents or violence.
But when there are delays it is tough.
Drunk people at stations and tube are super annoying too.

Another thing - in nearly 12 months we have never spent the night together. Isn’t that weird? If we spent the night together at least I would travel following day during the day.
He never asked for me to stay.
At the begining it was fine as we were getting to know each other and I wanted to come home to my teen but teen is capable to stay overnight. Nevertheless the fact that he has never asked or even expressed desire of me staying the night is bothering me.

In other areas everything is great. He is responsible and emotionally intelligent, has all the qualities of a good partner so far but now I’m thinking maybe not fully emotionally available. I also don’t think he is grasping how the travelling could be dangerous for me.

Time to let go?

It does feel like FWB yes even though we do a lot of activities and he does stuff for me on Xmas, B’day, Valentines, celebrates my little wins

but there is a bond that is created with sleeping : waking up together and it is missing - but it isnt his fault really

“I have no intention to get married, move in together or have more children btw”

Is it possible that he knows this and maybe doesn’t want to invest too much emotionally in your relationship because he thinks you don’t want it to progress to a deeper level? It may be ‘self preservation’ on his part if he thinks the relationship won’t go anywhere because of your DD circumstances.

I dont think that at nearly 54 he has any of those plans either

@stripypillowcase regardless, the rest still applies. You're behaving like a seventeen year old, not like a parent of a 17 year old.

I completely get where you are coming from, so if you had a conversation, which you'd need to have if you finished the relationship, so you've nothing to lose by saying "this relationship isn't evolving the depth of feeling isn't here" or however you want to phrase it.

I think putting a post up on mn helps because even if only half of posters understand, you still get some clarity from the posts who tell you to communicate like an adult 🤔 either you know that you've tried that, or you realise that the problem is that communication is all surface, or you realise it's not that you can’t communicate but rather you fear that real honest mutual communication will end a relationship which ticks along because there is no deep digging.

Good luck.

So often on these threads, posters who put up a thread to mull over their expectations are told off for not being able to communicate.

Often relationships operate because of a mutual (conscious or unconscious) "contract" to not go there. At the beginning, this makes sense, because in this modern dating world, women are often reminded, "he owes you nothing", or "chill" or "work on yourself!". "Have boundaries!" But remember, chill, he owes you nothing.

A year rolls past and what was not so glaring a year ago is now a bit of an elephant in the room.

I think posting thoughts helps get clarity, you see how you feel in your reaction to various posts advising you to move on/expect less/expect more/have a conversation.

Having a conversation is always best if you have it clear in your head what it is that isn't enough, how that leaves you feeling, and what you want to do/say about that.

In younger years, I may have raced to communicate before my own thoughts were really clear. It's pointless to do that.

Bit of thinking and elbow temp your own waters is a good plan.

I think there are 2 possibilities:

• he doesn’t care whether or not you stay
• he would love you to stay over but thinks you can’t and doesn’t want to put pressure on you by saying how much he’d like you to.

You won’t really know until you ask him about staying over.

It sounds like he is happy with the current set up so has no reason to change it and he thinks that it suits you too.

This guy is not a keeper at all. Forget all the rest of it but you are having to travel alone at night scared of the what ifs whereas a gentleman would be be at your side making sure you get home safely.

As for the hypervigilence I have that I have ptsd and it’s horrendous . Mines all related to years of domestic violence and being attacked and raped by a stranger. It’s utterly exhausting as my mind counts every threat when it goes into overdrive. It developed into agoraphobia for me and I will probably never manage strange new settings or the tube etc every again.

Your mind is worrying and it will exhaust you even though nothing has happened, have you had past trauma of some sort?

Or the ones who validate your feelings are as bad as you at communicating, like playing games and are just as much of a headfuck as you are.

You've created this situation to suit your own needs (not allowing anyone in the housecwith your teen, not leaving your teen overnight). Now you want to change the situation but want your bf to raise it rather than doing it yourself. But you also don't actually want to change the situation, you just want him to say hecwants to change it.

Seriously? What century are some of the posters on here living in? Wanting a man to spend 1.5-2 hrs on a round-trip to sit next to their girlfriend on the tube on her way home is crazy. It's also very infantilising, women are more than capable of using the tube by themselves at night. As evidenced by the fact that nothing has actually happened in the year the OP has been doing it.

Not reading 5 pages of 'no I haven't ascertained my kid can be left and I would like to stay over, I want him to say it anyway'.

This is a you problem. Sounds like he set off at your pace (or what he thought was your pace) and has stayed there. Ask him. He hasn't said no, he just hasn't steered things in that direction but he's had reason not to. If he says no, then decide what to do.

Otherwise what do you want to hear?

Forget all the rest of it but you are having to travel alone at night scared of the what ifs whereas a gentleman would be be at your side making sure you get home safely.

Are you quite mad? You think he should do a two hour round trip on the tube at midnight to make sure she gets home safely? 😳

I think I’ve read most of the updates so let me get this straight.

1. you expressed you can’t stay at his and he can’t stay at yours because of your teen (fair)
2. you have a lovely time together and often meet to do things other than just go to each others places
3. he is aware of your home situation and you said work/life is quite stressful
4. you want him to WANT you to stay over even though YOU initiated the original boundaries
5. he asks after you to ensure you have got home safely/waits up until he hears from you
6. he walks you to the station
7. he often wants to ‘do’ something other than hanging out at his flat but you are the one that prefers to just chill at his place
8. you have mentioned he has never suggested staying at a hotel near yours for example - would this be together? - again you initiated the boundaries the fire it would likely not have even registered that this is an option
9. YOU want him to do xyz and seem cross with him he doesn’t do/say certain things yet you don’t communicate your wants/needs (he may feel the same way about you)

i may have missed something but to me he seems lovely. He is respecting your boundaries that you set and isn’t pushing you. He likely won’t say ‘I wish you could stay’ as he doesn’t want to guilt trip you into something you have already said you can’t do.

despite all the obstacles you see each other once a week and have a great time together.

you don’t see marriage/kids/living together in your future (which is fine), but where is this going?

God above the reason this relationship isn't progressing is you. This man isn't doing anything wrong at all! You say he is a good partner. He makes sure you get back safe, doesn't put pressure on you to stay when he knows the situation with your DC and is understanding. My DP would be the same - if I said at the start I couldn't stay he would leave that ball in my court until I said otherwise! You need to communicate, however I think you want him to do all the work (you make him walk you, even though an uber makes more sense because you don't want it too easy for him! WTF!?! imagine if roles were reversed.) and I don't think you actually want this to properly work.

You’ve very adroitly summed up everything that I got from this thread as well.

Yes, with all updates, I take back what I said about dumping him.

Sounds like your attitude is the problem ,OP.

Do you want this to work or not ?

This. What the fuck? And those disapproving that he "lets" her travel on the tube alone?

I have never wanted a man to infantilise and limit me, ever, ever, and I'm constantly surprised at how many women seem to long for it.

Is it possible that he hasn't suggested staying over because he thinks you need to get back home to your teen? I would have a chat with him and explain how you find the travelling home late at night stressful? If you're happy with the relationship in general, I think it's worth having a discussion before you decide to end things. If it feels like seeing him is just not worth the effort of making the journey, perhaps the time has come to admit that it's run it's course.

It'd never occur to my DP to think I wasn't perfectly capable of taking a tube by myself! Being and adult you know...

I’m thinking @stripypillowcase that you really need to just broach the conversation with him. You seem to enjoy each others company and he doesn’t put pressure on you. See how he feels and say how you feel - it may feel uncomfortable at first but bring in a relationship sometimes requires lots of these and compromise. Unless you really feel he’s not the one for you then it’s ok to end it too!

I hope your daughter gets better, I know it’s a very tough situation for you too. It’s not east speaking to other parents who aren’t in the same boat and do not understand how it works with teenagers and MH. It’s pretty much all on you and so if your BF makes you happy then stay in it for the right reasons and do talk to him x

Meant “being in a relationship”!

I think you just aren’t into him.

it’s not working for you and you are looking for reasons to just end it.

The hoping he ends it, is weird. You don’t want to see him anymore AND want him to be the one to end it,

I actually think nothing will change. In a year you will still be unhappy he hasn’t magically figured out you are now in a position to stay over. He won’t ah e ended it. You will be doing a journey you don’t like and complaining about the whole situation.

Despite the situation being entirely of your own making. And entirely in your control to change.

Absolutely. A childish game at that.