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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you date someone (male) from the MET police?

229 replies

Givemeonegoodreason · 23/04/2024 21:51

Interested to know, would it be a non starter? I'm female and happy (lucky) to be single but might change it one day!

OP posts:
MississippiAF · 24/04/2024 06:51

Not a chance.

Perfect28 · 24/04/2024 06:57

@Shoxfordian someone's choice of career reveals a lot about them though doesn't it, their values and principles.

Freezingbluetits · 24/04/2024 07:19

I married one and he is the kindest, most loyal and genuine man I have ever met. But, he was five years short of retirement when I met him, so is not one of the current breed. As pp said, he may be a diamond among rocks. And his previous marriage went awry mainly because of the insane hours he worked, so in general it's probably best to steer clear if you want a family life.

User1979289 · 24/04/2024 07:20

No.

BathshebaEverdene1 · 24/04/2024 07:22

No I don't think somebody who chose the police force would suit me at all.
What drove them.to join? Power and control.

AnImaginaryCat · 24/04/2024 07:22

PoopingAllTheWay · 24/04/2024 01:14

Every man is different just the same as every woman is

What an odd world

Exactly what I was thinking. Before I opened this thread i didn't know this was a thing.

It's so odd!! What other profession is avoided? Teachers - because they are all controlling? Investment bankers because they are all drug addicts? There could make a rhyme too! A teacher will beat her. A banker will shank her.

TheFormidableMrsC · 24/04/2024 07:26

Absolutely not. For a million reasons. Just no. They are a breed.

AgnesX · 24/04/2024 07:27

I went out with both when I was younger and single (when I were a lass...) in an era that was much more male-centric than it is now.

We parted ways because of the hours they worked. If I wanted a partner who's never at home because of shifts or detachments etc I'd have picked them to marry. There were other reasons but that was one of the main things.

Southwestten · 24/04/2024 07:29

decionsdecisions62 · Yesterday 22:21
I would absolutely never date a policeman. It's against my principles.

Against which principles?

TheChippendenSpook · 24/04/2024 07:29

Deepdivesueandyou · 23/04/2024 22:30

there is a saying...

Fireman cheat, policeman beat.

Always proves true IME.

Always??? Yeah right.

2Old2Tango · 24/04/2024 07:30

My DD dated a lad that joined the MET. He was a lovely guy to start with but it killed their relationship. The workload was relentless as the MET were always cancelling his leave, and he'd be on his MET tablet at all hours while at home. Also, the way it all affected his moods. He became depressed (early 20s), was lousy at taking his meds, and brought it all home with him. DD was also terrified for his safety as he was often threatened by people wielding knives or guns.

PlanetDog · 24/04/2024 07:30

AnImaginaryCat · 24/04/2024 07:22

Exactly what I was thinking. Before I opened this thread i didn't know this was a thing.

It's so odd!! What other profession is avoided? Teachers - because they are all controlling? Investment bankers because they are all drug addicts? There could make a rhyme too! A teacher will beat her. A banker will shank her.

It’s personal preference and in the case of police officers, it’s often women using what they know to protect themselves. Nothing odd about any of that, we don’t owe anyone a date.

beAsensible1 · 24/04/2024 07:37

No. Not from any force in any country ever.

aside from all the usual generalisations I do not trust that in situation where they were doing me harm their colleagues could be relied on If I needed to report.

the reality is they protect their own, that is part of the job. As a partner you are vulnerable to that mentality it has potentially lethal outcomes.

not worth the risk.

perimumma · 24/04/2024 07:39

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 23/04/2024 22:07

I've avoided men from the military and from the police force. It's personal preference on dating sites who I choose to match with. In real life I would give them a chance but online it's a no.

It's the culture, and that their trained in how to be coercive, use force etc.
the amount of domestic abuse that gets covered up.

Yes there are some good ones in there but personally I avoid

That a bit harsh.

ICanFixHim · 24/04/2024 07:40

Never. No police or military.

There's plenty of other occupations I avoid but they're the top two.

beAsensible1 · 24/04/2024 07:41

cuckyplunt · 24/04/2024 06:33

So much prejudice, these are public servants doing a dangerous demanding job. Of course there are bad ones, like there are in any profession, but would you really write a whole group of people off like this?
If you do it because of race, it’s racism; sex, it’s sexism! What’s the difference?

Because it’s not a lasting characteristic, it’s a job.

and people are allowed to control who they have relationships with?

ShowOfHands · 24/04/2024 07:47

I am married (25yrs) to a police officer who is generous, kind and gentle. Despite his specialisms meaning he is often armed in a way a regular copper is not, he has never drawn so much as a baton in the course of service. Never reached for his taser. Never placed a hand on a person when not necessary. He has a reputation for never resorting to physicality. His few friends from work are all the same.

I've also met officers through the course of being married into the job who are arrogant and a disgrace and of course the job attracts those types. It's institutionalised and I loathe it. Many police officers loathe it as well. No natural power or authority? Wear it as a costume.

So it depends. The not online, but if you met more naturally eg through friends advice is sound. I think it's no different to the risk of dating any man if you do due diligence.

twentysevendresses · 24/04/2024 07:47

Jesus this is an appalling thread!

There are some horrible 'men'. Absolutely!
There are some horrible 'women'. Of course!

But you are slating an entire profession! That's appalling!

Have you actually met every single police officer? Every single member of the armed forces? Or are you basing your accusations on 'your cousins best friend's sister who dated one once'?

And no...I'm not a member of either profession, nor am I married to one.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 24/04/2024 07:48

I dated a couple of men from the military. On the plus, they do their own ironing (and mine). Generally quite gentle.

One turned out to be a liar and a cheat and was in debt up to his eyeballs and had abandoned his kids.
Another one would give the shirt off his back to help a stranger.

I had a brief fling with a man who was both ex-forces and ex-met. Very sweet, lots of fun but went for my throat. I see that as a red flag. I’m glad it nothing serious.

I wouldn’t recommend dating serving forces members or police officers because the job is really tough on relationships. And I would say ‘proceed with caution’ when dating ex military or police types.

Startingagainandagain · 24/04/2024 07:49

No.

I would avoid anyone in the army and the police.

I know it is not fair to the many decent men in these professions but unfortunately there are too many instances of domestic violence and abuse to take the risk.

Also those are stressful and dangerous professions with long hours and time away from home which is not easy to cope with.

CleanShirt · 24/04/2024 07:51

I'm getting divorced from one. I thought he bucked the trend but he was as cliché as the next copper.

Everyone told me not to do it and I didn't listen.

ShowOfHands · 24/04/2024 07:54

BathshebaEverdene1 · 24/04/2024 07:22

No I don't think somebody who chose the police force would suit me at all.
What drove them.to join? Power and control.

Well yes sometimes.

But lots join to serve and protect as well.

I fully support people having a line and that line being not dating police officers. Despite being married to one, if my life changed, I wouldn't date a police officer and I'd never date anybody in the military.

But we can't make sweeping generalisations about why people join in the first place. A certain type will be attracted to it. More than other professions. But not all.

newyorkhotel · 24/04/2024 07:56

No, I would not. My experience of the police as a victim of a few crimes has been awful.

I dont care if all are not like that, its my preference and I would not date one.

Resilience · 24/04/2024 07:57

Stereotypes and prejudices persist because there a lot of people within any given group who conform to the stereotype. It's still prejudice though.

I'm ex police. I had rank so supervised a lot of officers. Young-in-service officers in frontline were actually among the most enlightened you'll find in society. Many of these male officers were doing school runs/child care/dentist visits etc far more than your average father. Partly because shifts enabled it but also because they wanted to - I know this because I was the person they had to ask if they wanted additional time off for a child-related reason (or any other reason for that matter). I didn't stand for misogyny on my time and very rarely saw it as a result.

I've seen some appalling misogyny in other areas of the force and the Crown Prosecution Service - all of which I've called out. Is the problem solved? No, of course not. There's still far too much. But it's got a lot better and its refusal to disappear completely sadly reflects the society from which police officers are drawn. You'll never get a truly equal police force until you have a society and government that is demonstrably pro women.

Some cops are good. Some cops are bad. The bad ones are always in the news/TV documentaries because that's what gets viewing figures up and suits the government narrative to keep wages low. No one ever reported on the number of times me and my team talked someone down off a bridge, took someone to safety, reassured victims and prosecuted abusers, comforted someone who'd just been told their loved one has died, administered first aid at a road traffic collision etc. All those qualities of patience and empathy are qualities I'd actually consider quite desirable in a date tbh.

I did not join the police to control people. Like thousands of other officers I joined to help people. I was a victim of domestic abuse in a previous relationship and it was life-changing. The police who came out to me were great and I decided I wanted to join to help others like me. What I and many others realised is that you can't reason with unreasonable people. You NEED to have the legal power to physically stop someone beating up their partner/child/random person on the street if they don't want to stop voluntarily. That's vastly different from joining up to deliberately lord it over others. I always used my legal powers very sparingly but absolutely had no hesitation when it was necessary (such as searching a domestic abuser's home for a hidden device on which he was tracking his victim).

All that said, I wouldn't advise anyone to date a police officer unless they're also one or in a similar high-stress role. My long, happy marriage would not have lasted had DH not also been in the job and understood why I regularly couldn't finish work on time for something important, why I often came home and couldn't really interact with anyone because of what I'd just had to deal with, why I'd lie awake at night worrying if impossible decisions I made were going to result in someone dying and me going to prison. That part of dating someone in the job is less attractive admittedly.

Recognition of red flags is important. Using someone's profession as a red flag is more akin to random gambling and not a smart strategy. The waitress test on your first date would be far more accurate.

ADogCalledThor · 24/04/2024 07:57

cuckyplunt · 24/04/2024 06:33

So much prejudice, these are public servants doing a dangerous demanding job. Of course there are bad ones, like there are in any profession, but would you really write a whole group of people off like this?
If you do it because of race, it’s racism; sex, it’s sexism! What’s the difference?

Our dating lives don’t have to align with the equalities act.

For a start, when dating, I discarded 50% of the population because I’m not a lesbian. I would never date anyone who is religious, believed in gender, were above or below a certain age, had certain disabilities etc. I could be as ‘discriminatory’ as I liked when dating.

The difference is that dating isn’t an exercise in equal opportunities, it’s about who we find attractive and who would be a good fit for us.