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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband met up with....

684 replies

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:12

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

OP posts:
SamW98 · 26/04/2024 09:11

OldieWoldie · 25/04/2024 18:39

My husband and myself do everything together, we spent enough time apart when we were working, doing things with the children when they were young etc. I know it may seem strange to some of you but we actually like each other . If one of us wanted to meet up with an old friend of either sex, we'd probably arrange a meet up together or if separate we'd tell each other about it and we certainly wouldn't hide our phones from each other or hide our pin numbers. I'm not surprised so many marriages fail when couples don't seem to actually enjoy each other's company.

It’s nothing to do with ‘not enjoying each others company’ - many people would feel suffocated spending all of their spare time with one person.

Having your own lives and friends outside of your relationship is healthy and essential for most people as well as their couple time.

justasking111 · 26/04/2024 09:13

Doesn't sound great, is he in a rut. Middle aged, men can be so daft. Mine goes off most mornings with his other old codgers they do jobs related to their hobby though.

TrueMonday · 26/04/2024 09:18

Surely all the talk about relationships in general and whether or not people in those relationships should have time apart from their OH is irrelevant?

The key point is that there has been a dramatic change in behaviour on the part of OP's husband.

6pence · 26/04/2024 09:56

I’ve Facebook stalked lots of friends from years ago, both male and female. I’d quite like to talk/see some of them, but I’m happy in my relationship and wouldn’t want to open up a potential can of worms. It’s really not appropriate to message secretly the opposite sex without being completely transparent about the messages.

I think the happy in relationship is the key bit. Why hasn’t he contacted her before now? Why now?

Cel03xx · 26/04/2024 10:57

Why hasn’t your husband said anything about this friend before , there must have been contact
I’m talking from experience my ex husband
I thought we was happy but he told this friend it’s time for an upgrade from me
which I only found out by accident
which destroyed what we had .
just have an honest conversation about this friend because it might be innocent, but who came looking for this friendship,

MsNeis · 26/04/2024 11:14

I hope you can continue to trust your gut, OP, regardless of all the cool girls' voices over here. Fortunately, there have been many PP commenting this before, and I totally agree: you are NOT being unreasonable, the oddness of the situation stands out, and his reaction to you sharing your feelings about it reeks of gaslighting.
I hope you can figure out how to move forward, and that you have people around to support you.

SamW98 · 26/04/2024 11:34

The biggest red flag for me is he knows how much this is upsetting you but he won’t do anything to put your mind at rest. If this is as innocent as he claims, he could have reassured you days ago. The fact he hasn’t tells its own story I’m afraid

user1492757084 · 26/04/2024 11:34

You willonly solve the mystery of what will happen to your relationship by talking.
You and your husband are not generic characters. Each of you is a unique individual. You need to get in touch with how each other feels and how to proceed.

Sweden99 · 26/04/2024 11:35

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/04/2024 23:26

In your opinion.

My BIL had no friends. He chose to spend all of his time alone or with my sister. Now he has opened his social circle a little bit as my DP took him to an event connectedto a job that they both used to do and he has realised that the very thing that isolated him, isolated all of them too. So he is opening up a bit. People self isolate for complicated reasons, self esteem (or lack of), confidence (or lack of), trauma, fear, laziness....who knows? Its individual. It may not be healthy, in your opinion, but its certainly not uncommon.

So if he suddenly made a huge effort to see someone my sister didnt know existed and he refused to discuss or share messages about, yeah that would be a massive red flag.

Show quote history

And that is very unhealthy. There will come a time when your BiL needs someone to lean on emotionally and unless your sister is exceptional, he will be very isolated.

CrunchingNumbers · 26/04/2024 11:38

SamW98 · 26/04/2024 11:34

The biggest red flag for me is he knows how much this is upsetting you but he won’t do anything to put your mind at rest. If this is as innocent as he claims, he could have reassured you days ago. The fact he hasn’t tells its own story I’m afraid

Exactly this. He has the power (information) to make all of this go away (or at least start to be put right)...unless the information he has will escalate, rather than diffuse.

Turquoise123 · 26/04/2024 11:40

For what it’s wortr - I can remember pretty much all of my friends’ phone numbers from years back . Heck I even know my NHS number . And yes I do work with numbers

Superstoria · 26/04/2024 12:10

I wouldn’t have a problem with my partner meeting an old female friend for lunch.

My alarm bells would however be ringing at how it’s come about in this case- it seems like he’s gone to a lot of effort to seek her out and make this happen.

Sweden99 · 26/04/2024 12:10

Turquoise123 · 26/04/2024 11:40

For what it’s wortr - I can remember pretty much all of my friends’ phone numbers from years back . Heck I even know my NHS number . And yes I do work with numbers

Yes, but you probably also have access to your husband's phone.

KmcK87 · 26/04/2024 12:15

I’d be feeling the same as you OP. Too many women are too naive or just trying to be the laid back partner, but men very rarely message other women/hang about with other women without there being some sort of attraction there. If your partner is the type to befriend women and keep it purely platonic, you’d already know about it. This is out of character for him, and he’s being shady which means there’s more to it than it being a friendly lunch

Wasityoubecayse · 26/04/2024 12:15

Look the racing driver thing needs to be expanded on. This is wild. I feel gaslight that no one is questioning this.

Usernamechange1234 · 26/04/2024 12:32

Wasityoubecayse · 26/04/2024 12:15

Look the racing driver thing needs to be expanded on. This is wild. I feel gaslight that no one is questioning this.

Talk about making this about yourself! Being gaslit… jeez!

Read her posts. She clearly states he was a racing car driver and went all over the country at weekends.

I can’t believe you can’t just read her posts yourself?

Usernamechange1234 · 26/04/2024 12:35

@BirdieMK3 just hoping you’re ok. 💐

SuperGinger · 26/04/2024 13:06

I can't believe people on MN I've met up with old friends, both male and female, I haven't seen many in over 20 years and it was in no way inappropriate just nice to be reminded of a different time.

Scorchio84 · 26/04/2024 13:13

@SuperGinger it's not about reconnecting with old friends, no one has a problem with that part 🙄It's his subsequent behaviour.. jesus do people even bother reading the OPs updates?

ForgottenPalace · 26/04/2024 13:14

Upinthenightagain · 22/04/2024 23:34

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck it’s a duck.
you’ll get tons of ‘cool wives’ on here saying they’d be ok with it, pleased even! I wouldn’t be. I’d be pissed off and yes he definitely fancies her. Men just don’t bother with women unless they fancy them

Yes! I so agree!!!

justasking111 · 26/04/2024 13:14

Well is he hot still @BirdieMK3 would middle aged women be queuing up to jump his bones?
Is he wealthy so they're prepared to ignore the big belly, thinning hair bad teeth?

Devonshirerexx · 26/04/2024 13:22

I would be furious
The pin on his phone should be open , if he has nothing to hide
Does he have a thumb print as you could gain access whilst he is sleeping.

I won't make any assumptions as I don't know you as a couple but he should allow you to see the messages to put your mind at ease.
I hope you get your answers and soon.
I feel upset for you.
He's going out of his way to meet an old friend but won't allow you to see it is innocent, I would say that to him you know you are his wife and no.1 priority.
He is definitely out of order.
Good luck.

justasking111 · 26/04/2024 13:24

My husband has moved from a an open phone to a thumb print for security reasons he says. He's 74 though.

Devonshirerexx · 26/04/2024 13:25

Just an idea you are in separate rooms do you have an old mobile phone with voice recorder , you could pop under his bed or living room couch , then if he calls her and it sounds off you will know.

eatingandeating · 26/04/2024 13:27

"He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.!
How very exciting to meet someone from the distant past! It'd be even more exciting to include you in this meeting -- as you're part of her (this female's) 20 missed years of his life! Hope they both see the benefit of catching up with 20 past years of his life (which, of course, includes you)!!