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Original poster

My husband met up with....

684 replies

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:12

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

OP posts:
PloddingAlong21 · 26/04/2024 13:39

Your initial post and I would think nothing if it and be fine with it. Likely never mentioned her because she’s been irrelevant and just popped back into his head. No issues in male/female friendships.

However what I think is weird is the way it’s come about. If she messaged as she’s coming by the area and remembered he lived there, cool.

However it sounds like they’ve agreed to each drive 50 miles to meet up where they both live so the circumstance hasn’t arisen for them to meet, they’re going out of their way too and have not bothered before now when the situation could have occurred. Why now? What made him message her out of the blue and ask to meet up as presumably she wasn’t driving past the area by chance. He’s asked to meet up.

Invite her to have lunch at yours. If she isn’t a threat and it’s platonic your husband won’t see that as weird to do.

ForLovingGreenDog · 26/04/2024 13:43

I understand completely why you're upset. Something similar happened to me recently, when there was a possibility of my girlfriend meeting up to go running with a man. However, having said that, I have had close female friends since being a young adult, so uour man meeting with a female friend means nothing in itself. I trust her completely, but what was hurtful for me was my girlfriend's unwilingness to talk about why i found it difficult and how it impacted my insecurities. Maybe try and talk about it, and chat about if it'd be possible for you both to meet her too, given that any old acquaintance may well want to meet someone so integral to their friend's current life.

Isthisreallyithopenot · 26/04/2024 13:44

SabreIsMyFave · 23/04/2024 00:16

Posters pretending they wouldn't care if their husband went to see another woman that they didn't know, (for one to one meet-ups that excluded her,) are the ones that are 'cringe.'

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Edited
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👍

Dinkydo12 · 26/04/2024 13:52

You are overreacting get a grip. Fact that he has not mentioned her means nothing. I would be concerned if he was always mentioning her. Probably she was in the area contacted him for a catch up and to chat about old times. If he hasn't seen her for 20 years she's going to look a lot different. Stop being so insecure.

mammaCh · 26/04/2024 13:56

Strange as it sounds, I do remember some phone numbers from when I was a kid, so not impossible.
I don't see it weird that he wants to meet up with her. Or why he would need to tell you he'd be messaging her, most definitely not need to show you messages.
He shouldn't have to ask your permission to see anyone.
Just because it's a female doesn't mean he is playing around.
But if you don't trust him, which clearly you don't, that's a different matter. Why doesn't he have your trust?

MILTOBE · 26/04/2024 13:57

Dinkydo12 · 26/04/2024 13:52

You are overreacting get a grip. Fact that he has not mentioned her means nothing. I would be concerned if he was always mentioning her. Probably she was in the area contacted him for a catch up and to chat about old times. If he hasn't seen her for 20 years she's going to look a lot different. Stop being so insecure.

You really have very poor comprehension skills.

Did you see that he contacted her first and that he travelled 50 miles to see her?

MummyJ36 · 26/04/2024 14:03

I wouldn’t normally suggest this but….ask him to swear on your son’s life that nothing untoward has happened between him and this woman. His reaction will tell you a lot.

Bookworm20 · 26/04/2024 14:13

SamW98 · 26/04/2024 11:34

The biggest red flag for me is he knows how much this is upsetting you but he won’t do anything to put your mind at rest. If this is as innocent as he claims, he could have reassured you days ago. The fact he hasn’t tells its own story I’m afraid

Its very likely because what is in those messages will be even more upsetting to the OP than what is currently happening.
So hes hoping it'll all get brushed under the carpet.
Because in his head at the moment, OP doesn't know. For sure.
He knows if she saw the messages it would be game over for him.

So if he stands his ground........
She currently can't 'prove' anything so he is holding onto that for dear life. Regardless of the fact that she is hurting and they are now in seperate rooms.
He would rather all that happen, than for he to see those messages.
So its pretty obvious whats in them.
No normal innocent person, however stubborn they were, would take it this far, when they could stop the whole thing by just showing a few messages.
So showing her them, he knows will hurt OP a hell of a lot more than not showing them to her.

Mavenss · 26/04/2024 14:20

Dinkydo12 · 26/04/2024 13:52

You are overreacting get a grip. Fact that he has not mentioned her means nothing. I would be concerned if he was always mentioning her. Probably she was in the area contacted him for a catch up and to chat about old times. If he hasn't seen her for 20 years she's going to look a lot different. Stop being so insecure.

..say you’re an lovely chap without saying you’re a lovely chap

Uniqueusername2 · 26/04/2024 14:20

So you just say ok, I’d love to meet your friend from the past. When’s the next meet up? I look forward to hearing all about what you were like in the old days! Can’t wait to meet her.

Nettie1964 · 26/04/2024 14:35

He didn't tell you he was messaging her. He won't show the messages. he is using what is usually family time to meet her. He "remembered" her number. The clues are all there. I watched a similar situation unfold. I even offered to host the ow he started taking his phone everywhere. We split up. They got together for a few weeks. Sorry but until it happens it's very easy to say " why isn't he allowed "to have friends he is but not a close female friend, because it's never just friendship. Never.

rxp · 26/04/2024 14:37

Sounds quite suffocating to me. Perhaps he would like to start doing things without you and would that be ok?

Glitter87 · 26/04/2024 14:53

I'm sorry you are going through this. Your husband is disrespecting you and your son with his selfish behaviour. He is hiding something if he has a lock on his phone and won't show you the messages. She is not a friend after no contact for 20 years. It sounds like she is either an ex girlfriend that he has reached out to which is disgusting if this is the case or someone new he has met online maybe and he's lying about it being an old friend. No one would travel 50 miles to meet unless there is a relationship forming of some kind. He will try to make you feel like you are being irrational but you are not. Trust your gut instinct. This will destroy your family if he carries on meeting this other woman. Next time he says he is going to meet up say your going with him. If he insists he's going in his own then set yourself up on a dating app and do the same. He will not like it. Treat others how they treat you including your husband. Tell him your looking for a real man who respects you. You deserve much better.

Lola2321 · 26/04/2024 15:10

An old school friend contacted me many years after we’d left. We’re now married!

it’s odd, you either stay in touch and meet up or there is a reason to contact ie they moved to another country/city and you’re now visiting and it would be nice for tips/someone to show you around etc and this would include all you family

Scirocco · 26/04/2024 15:13

@BirdieMK3 up until the miraculous 'remembering' of the phone number which just happens to still be in use, I wouldn't have been bothered, but that puts a whole different spin on it.

He's driven 50 miles to have 'lunch' with someone he knew decades ago, with an implausible explanation for how they got back in contact, and not saying why they got back in contact now. I can see why you'd have concerns about that.

What do you want to do next?

MyUnpopularOpinion · 26/04/2024 15:13

MariaLuna · 23/04/2024 01:40

It's just us, thats how we are, we do everything together.

I would feel stifled by this.

So stifled that you would cheat on your partner? And then insinuate they were to blame?

Because unless that's what you're saying then there's literally no other reason for you to make that comment.

Arwenellie · 26/04/2024 15:19

Tell him thats bizarre as you bumped into an old male friend and are doing the same- meet up. If its reasonable...it works both ways. His face will give you all the answers you need and I'm pretty sure it wont be a happy one. Inequalities? Good luck.

MyUnpopularOpinion · 26/04/2024 15:20

I can remember my childhood telephone number but that proves nothing.

How likely is it that a happily married man with a child would one day randomly think to himself "I wonder how Sandra from 20 years ago is doing? If I think hard enough I can remember her number, I'll give her a call."

Not impossible, but highly, highly unlikely. Even less likely that off the back of a random phone call from someone she knew 20 years ago, Sandra would be willing to travel 50 miles to meet for a catch up.

The whole story reeks of bull.

More likely is that he's been chatting to someone off Tinder and wants to go and meet her in plain sight. The callous and dismissive way he's treated your very valid feelings about all this only goes to support the already very strong evidence that he's being a shady cunt.

I wouldn't believe anything he told me and would demand to see those messages or he leaves.

Griff1963 · 26/04/2024 15:21

Upinthenightagain · 22/04/2024 23:34

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck it’s a duck.
you’ll get tons of ‘cool wives’ on here saying they’d be ok with it, pleased even! I wouldn’t be. I’d be pissed off and yes he definitely fancies her. Men just don’t bother with women unless they fancy them

Absolutely not true. I have a few female friends and my relationship with them is purely platonic.

Upinthenightagain · 26/04/2024 15:52

Griff1963 · 26/04/2024 15:21

Absolutely not true. I have a few female friends and my relationship with them is purely platonic.

Show quote history

I probably should have said ‘don’t bother to this extent’. This guy is putting this woman above his own wife’s feelings and travelled 50 miles to see her.

bringoutthebranston · 26/04/2024 15:53

Did he have a relationship with this person 20 years ago? If they have only ever been friends then maybe its feasible he wanted to catch up with them for old times sake.

Why don't you ask to go along to meet her next time? see what his reaction is to that
How would he react if you randomly messaged an old male friend and met up after 20 years?
He seems very dismissive of your feelings which to me ring alarm bells that he's testing you which isnt fair. If you are the most important person in his life, why would he continue to see her if he knows you arent happy?

rainingcatsandogs · 26/04/2024 15:59

Sorry OP but definitely something amiss here. Has he got secret social media or even Linkedin? No way would he remember a number and I think he is gaslighting you.

MarieG95 · 26/04/2024 16:11

Aww so sorry you’re feeling like this! I personally wouldn’t be ok with this either it seems a bit off to randomly remember a woman’s number from 20 years ago, not mention any of the messaging, not show you the messages on his phone and drive all that way to meet her!! X

LT1982 · 26/04/2024 16:11

OK after the first post I thought he waw just meeting for lunch and he went back to work after the hour lunch. But to drive 50 miles is a bit much in my eyes and why can't you read the messages? Is she single?

zingally · 26/04/2024 16:23

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:32

They met half way, around 50 miles. He 'remembered' her number....

"Remembered her number" my arse.
I certainly don't remember the phone numbers of any friends from 20 years ago. Plus its a massive assumption to assume someone still has the same number they had 20 years ago...